Braves at Astros – It’s the End of the World As We Know It… And I Feel Fine

Posted on September 28, 2007 by MRaup in Series Previews

By MRaup

Minute Maid Park

Friday, September 28, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, September 30, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

Well, here it is. The moment we’ve been dreading. Craig Biggio is riding off into the hustle-colored sunset. Apparently hustle and the constant smog over Houston look a lot alike. Drawing the last preview of the year is both a blessing and a curse. This will be the preview you remember going in to the void.

Or it will be the preview you wish you could forget about all off-season… No pressure or anything.

Astros at Reds – Roadkill on a Bed of Noodles

Posted on September 24, 2007 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott

Great American Ball Park

Tuesday, September 25, 6:15 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, September 26, 6:15 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, September 27, 6:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

This series will wrap up the Astros’ road schedule for the year. Their record away from home is 28-50, which is the worst in the National League. The Astros could conceivably pass the Reds for fourth place in the Central standings before the end of the year; not that it really matters, but at least we wouldn’t have to stand downwind of them all winter.

Also, here’s my Public Service Announcement for Astros rookies, since this is their first visit to Cincinnati:

* If someone offers you a Three-Way, DO NOT take it. They aren’t offering you a half-hour with the Brady girls. No, a Cincinnati Three-Way is a bowl of noodles with a pile of shit on top. With chocolate and cinnamon garnish. An hour after eating this, your ass will start wafting “Cincinnati Air Fresheners.”

* If you’re in bar and a guy says, “Hey, let’s grab our sacks and play some Cornhole,” it’s OK. But this offer is only good in Cincinnati, and never, ever in San Francisco.

No decent giveaways this series, though fans who run onto the field can go to jail and play in a free cornhole tournament with the Bengals.Read More

Astros @ Cardinals – A Beautiful Fucking Day In The Neighborhood (Sep 20-23, 2007)

Posted on September 21, 2007 by Dark Star in Series Previews

By ‘strosrays

The Most Fucked-Up Fucking Series Preview in the Fucking History of Western Fucking Civilization

Astros (66-86) at Retardinals (71-80)

Fuckin’ Busch Stadium (III)
700 fuckin’ Clark Avenue
St. Louis, fuckin’ MO 63102

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▪Thursday, September 20 (7:10 p.m. CDT) – FSN (Fucking bullshit Sports Network)

▪Friday, September 21 (7:10 p.m. CDT) – FSN

▪Saturday, September 22 (6:15 p.m. CDT) – KNWS

▪Sunday, September 23 (7:05 p.m. CDT) – ESPN (Especially Suck-ass fucking Penile Network)

**********

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck” – Noe

There apparently isn’t going to be an official, sanctioned Series Preview posted for this series. That isn’t really any big deal, it has happened before. Sometimes life and the resulting responsibilities (or the utter lack of any creative ideas, which is even scarier) intrude into the Preview writing process, and you, gentle readers, will just have to fucking excuse us for it. We got lives, too, motherfuckers! Well, at least some of us.

Anyway, I believe this particular Preview was assigned to Foghorn. I’m not really surprised at his no-show, he has been kind of scarce around here lately. That is nothing against Foggy at all who, aside from being one of my favorite people on the planet and a constant inspirational beacon of utter vulgarity, is also involved in work much more important than my own, I believe. If a Series Preview isn’t written because Foghorn is helping save someone’s fucking life or sumpin’, who the fuck am I to complain? Plus, there are some rumors out there (admittedly started by me, mostly) that Foghorn has recently been engaged in serious medical research with a 17-year-old female Swedish exchange student he is hosting in his home this semester. Now, I ask you. . . Series Preview? Or Swedish exchange student? I’ll let you decide.

I read somewhere recently that the movie The Usual Suspects contained 98 instances of the word “fuck” or one of it’s forms or derivatives in it. I always liked that movie, now I know why. Anyway, 98 fucks is impressive, and may even be a record, unless there is some Joe Pesci-Harvey Keitel movie out there somewhere I’ve forgot. So impressive that I am using those 98 fucks as a goal and the perpetually profane Foghorn as an inspiration here. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Special Encore BONUS Series Preview, Astros at Co-ardinals, the uncut Fuck-all Version. Read it and fucking weep.Read More

Screw-all

Brewers at Astros: A Rear Guard Action

Posted on September 17, 2007 by Taras Bulba in Series Previews

By Taras Bulba

Brewers (76-72) at Astros (65-84)

Monday, September 18th, 7:05pm CDT-FSN
Tuesday, September 19th, 7:05pm CDT-FSN
Wednesday, September 20th, 7:05pm CDT-FSN

The Brewers (them again) are in town and playing for something. They’re sitting one game back of the Cubs. The Astros are smack dabbed tied with Florida for the worst record in the NL. To riff on strosrays’ bizarre WWII analogies from the Pirates series, the Brewers are Zhukov’s Red Army and Minute Maid is Berlin, defended by a hapless cast of youths and old men from a Volkstrum unit. Or, something.

Pirates @ Astros – Long Slide (For An Out) (Sep 14-16, 2007)

Posted on September 14, 2007 by Dark Star in Series Previews

By ‘strosrays

The Pirates Look At 40

Pirates (65-81) at Astros (63-83)
Minute Maid Park, 501 Crawford St., Houston, TX 77002
a/k/a “The Wal-Mart at Union Station”

*********

▪Friday, September 14 (7:05 p.m. CDT) – FSN

▪Saturday, September 15 (6:05 p.m. CDT) – KNWS (Kick-ass Nineteen Watt Signal)

▪Sunday, September 16 (1:05 p.m. CDT) – FSN

********

Ahoy and Avast, the Pirates Suck Ass (ah, but so too the hometown Astros)

Now is the silly time of the season for also-rans like the Astros and the Pirates. They can expand their rosters to up to forty players each, and there are so many farmhands wandering around, you wonder how they can all fit on the bench during games. The Astros and Pirates have a lot in common these days, it seems. They have similar records this season, and one or the other will finish in the NL Central cellar. Their immediate prospects for the future don’t look so good, either. The Pirates are in the midst of a stretch of mediocrity of historic proportions, 15 straight losing seasons, and no end in sight. They probably have no chance of turning it around until the current inept ownership sells the team to someone with enough sense to hire good baseball people and open up the checkbook and stay out of the way. The Astros are at the beginning of a downward spiral that probably won’t wind completely out until the current (gutless) proprietor/huckster figures out his endless meddling in baseball decisions and his Dale Carnegie bullshit isn’t going to get it anymore, and decides to go elsewhere, where there are people who want to be champions, today (there is of course the possibility this will never happen, fans.) Drayton McLane can micromanage in the business world, and force his silly motivational crap down the throats of all the underlings he pays $7.50-an-hour with meager benefits to wear blue aprons, and fake smiles, while they move his cheap, Chinese-made merchandise, while he gets rich off of the disadvantaged and disaffected. . . but his business ideas and his brand of hypocritical pandering don’t work quite as well on professional baseball men, or on millionaire players, either.

You had some good times in Houston, McLane, but you have stayed on too long. Save your legacy, do us all a favor, and take your hoary bromides and your polished Florsheim loafers and your idiot offspring and just get the fuck out. Sell the team. I don’t care to who. Please, Drayton. Don’t leave mad, just leave. Shove off.Read More

Fuck McLane, Ginsberg howls, kolaches

Cubs @ Astros – If Ever There Was a Time To Stop Sucking, This Series is It!

Posted on September 11, 2007 by MRaup in Series Previews

By MRaup

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday, September 11, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, September 12, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, September 13, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

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