Astros at Stem – These Met Stains Will Never Come Out

Posted on September 7, 2007 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott
Shea Stadium

Friday, September 7, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 8, 12:10 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 9, 12:10 p.m. CDT – KNWS

The Astros are having another dogshit roadtrip, or so I hear. After several days of fucked-up satellite receivers and fucked-up blackout rules, I haven’t seen the Astros play in a week or more. But the stench is strong enough that I can smell it through the internet, so I’m just assuming dogshit roadtrip.

The cockslobber Mets have the best record in the league and the largest divisional lead. They’re much better on the road than at home this year, mainly because they get to relax at so many airports. The Puerto Rican Whore is leading the team with 27 homers, and David Wright has 26. John Maine has 14 wins, but the Astros won’t see him this series.

Also, the Stem can take their shitty blue-and-black USFL batting helmets and go pound them up each other’s asses. It’ll be like when Anna Benson was in town, but without so much lube and penicillin.Read More

Old Style and Agony: No Place but Chicago

Posted on August 31, 2007 by Taras Bulba in Series Previews

Astros (60-74) at Cubs (68-64)

Friday, September 1st, 1:20pm CDT-FSN
Saturday, September 2nd, 12:05pm CDT-KNWS
Sunday, September 3rd, 1:20pm CDT-FSN

Your newly enthusiastic and fortified Houston Astros roll into Wrigley for a three game set with the temporarily division leading Cubs. Chicago is a mediocre 5-5 over their last ten games but appear to be feeling their oats and spouting off a lot of cocky drivel about being in a pennant race, etc. Perfect timing for the annual summer rite whereby the hopes and dreams of pathetic Cubs fans everywhere are brutally eviscerated by that mean ass son of a bitch, the God of Baseball, in the guise in the next three days of your Houston Astros. It’s coming a little late in the season, but nevertheless, it’s here. Allah, akhbar!
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Coardinals @ Astros – Birdland Über Alles (Aug 28-30, 2007)

Posted on August 27, 2007 by Dark Star in Series Previews

By ‘strosrays

Birdland Über Alles

Cardinals (63-64) at Astros (58-73)
Minute Maid Park, 501 Crawford St., Houston, TX 77002
a/k/a “The Juice Box”

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Tuesday, August 28 (7:05 p.m. CDT) – FSN

Wednesday, August 29 (7:05 p.m. CDT) – FSN

Thursday, August 30 (1:05 p.m. CDT) – FSN

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”Don’t crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.” – Noe

Well, save for the appropriate and somewhat moving ceremony on Sunday to retire the number of franchise hero Jeff Bagwell, this homestand has been something of a king-hell bummer, has it not? It is hard to remember now, but the Astros came into it after that rarest of things in Astros history, a successful West Coast swing; and they still had not entirely insane hopes of somehow throwing everything together right at the end to pass up the stumbling Cubbies, the bumbling Brewers, and the staggering 3rdinals and take the Central Division crown this season, after all.

Of course, losing 6 of 8 to the Naxpos and Pirates in the last week-plus killed that crazy idea dead. And now here come Tony LaRussa and his fighting Co-ardinals, on a bit of a roll themselves, having gone 8-4 since mid-month. And a little roll here at the end is about all it will take in the Third World-like NL Central this season. It is easy to say now, but I have been convinced for about a month, since whenever the Hothouse Brewers began to seriously wilt, that the Redbirds would take this thing, in the end. I am no less convinced of it now. The Cubs appear to be blowing their chance, as we suspected they would; and the Brewers (7-16 so far in August) have been godawful. Meanwhile, the Tank Commander’s patched together team is hitting its stride. There is slightly more than a month left, of course, and with the top three teams in the division seperated by two games at this writing, literally anything can still happen. But my knowledge of recent history and my grudging respect for LaRussa the manager, irritating quirks and all, has me thinking the Co-ards are gearing up for a postseason run; and the Astros laying down for them this series is an integral part of their plans.

Meantime, the Astros are occupied by reverently burying their recent past, and appear to be mailing it in, otherwise. I am a bit sad to see that past go, but of course it must. The problem is, I am not convinced anyone, in the Astros’ organization or out of it, has any clear idea of what comes next. The future’s so bright, I gotta wear Q-beams.Read More

Bagwell redux, dog days, like an inca

Pirates at Astros – Last Ride of The Traveling Horse Shit Show

Posted on August 24, 2007 by MRaup in Series Previews

By MRaup

Minute Maid Park

Friday, August 24, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 25, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 26, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

Nationals at Astros – Nat Fade Away

Posted on August 19, 2007 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott

Minute Maid Park

Monday, August 20, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, August 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 22, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 23, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

The Astros finally had a winning road trip, splitting with the Dodgers and taking two of three from the Friars. But the trip was costly as Roy Oswalt and Carlos Lee both strained something in the same game.

The Astros are still eight games behind the barely-mediocre Cubs, who are sure to collapse into a steaming pile of Suck sometime soon. The Brewers are busy tripping over their own dicks, and the Jakes are lurking back there staring at Bernie Brewer’s ass. The Astros have a week full of gNats and Pi-Roots ahead, so if they’re going to kick it up to .500 by the end of the season, now would be a good time to start.

Meanwhile, the Nationals just lost five of six at home, including a sweep by the ball-licker Mets. The Nats are in last place in the NL East and have lost seven of their last 10 games. They just picked up Wily Mo Pena from the Red Sox, and as for their rotation, well, Tim Redding is about the best they have.Read More

MusicMan Special Guest Prevew! Astros @ Padres

Posted on August 17, 2007 by MusicMan in Series Previews

By Musicman

Astros (54-67) at Padres (65-55)
PETCO Park

Friday, August 17, 9:05 PM, FSN
Saturday, August 18, 9:05 PM, KNWS (“the blowtorch”)
Sunday, August 19, 3:05 PM, FSN

First things first: Yes, this is a rushed, pinch-hit job, and yes, I will work in as many “Anchorman” references as the law will allow.

San Diego. It does not translate as “Saint Diego”. It is from the German “Sahn Diagho”, meaning “Michael Barrett’s Vagina”.

Ever since the great trade of ’94, it’s been hard to work up too much hatred for the Padres. With so many players switching sides, there became some sort of odd bond between the two franchises. The Plumber (whose name should be banned just as equally as a certain shortstop from the Deep South) did his best to break these bonds, but to this day, the Padres keep a soft spot in my heart. Mister Peepers becomes the latest in a long line of such transplants, and I wish him well.

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