In 1972 , a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem…if no one else can help…and if you can find them…maybe you can hire…The A- Team.

(If you can read that and don’t hear the opening strains of the A-Team right now, there is something wrong with you)

I’m not really sure what else to say about the two “A” teams meeting here.

Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum

Monday, April 15th, 9:05pm (Hahaha, you actually think you’ll get to watch this?)

Tuesday, April 16th, 9:05pm (Hahaha, you actually think you’ll get to watch this?)

Wednesday, April 17th, 9:05pm (Hahaha, you actually think you’ll get to watch this?)

Monday

Eric Bedard (0-0, 0.00 ERA) vs. Tommy Milone (2-0, 4.50 ERA)

Bedard has thrown 7 1/3 innings of shutout baseball and has only given up 2 hits. He nailed down his first career save on opening day, and had a great start cut short due to… well, I don’t even know why and I don’t feel like looking it up. Anyway, he’s been great so far this season, and has fantastic career numbers against the A’s (4-0, .55 ERA).

Current A’s bat .115 against Bedard (3-26). So, expect 4-5 innings of well pitched baseball before the game is turned over to our dumpster fire of a bullpen.

Tommy Milone sounds like someone’s little brother. He faced the Astros once when he was with the Nationals.

Current astros bat .111 against Milone (1-9). He’s been pretty meh so far this year, so hopefully the Astros can jump on him early before Bedard’s quick exit.

Tuesday

Brad Peacock (1-1, 4.82 ERA) vs. A.J. Griffin (2-0, 1.93 ERA)

Peacock had a short start against the A’s earlier this year where he gave up 2 earned runs in 4 1/3 innings and took the loss. His other outing was a pretty solid one against the Mariners.

A.J Griffin sounds (and looks) like the douchey guy that would hit on your girlfriend at a bar on a Wednesday night. This is only his season season in the big leagues, but so far, he’s looked pretty solid.

Griffin has only faced one Astro in his career, Mr. Happy’s best friend Carlos Pena. Carlos is 2-3 with a double and 2RBIS, but Mr. Happy would like to point out that his other at bat was a strikeout.

Wednesday

Bud Norris (2-1, 1.96 ERA) vs Bartolo Colon (1-0, 4.15)

Bud has really come on strong early on this season. He’s really put it all together so far, and if he keeps this up, he’ll have a good chance to win 6 or 7 games before the season is over.

Current A’s are batting .227 (10-44) against Bud. Jed Lowrie (2-3, HR) does the most damage against him, that traitorous bastard.

Bartolo Colon is a big fat tub of goo. That’s neither here nor there, but should be said. It’s rare to see a pitcher with an ERA that matches his weight, but there it is.

Current Astros bat .309 against Blubbertolo (17-55). Jason Castro, Justin Maxwell, and J.D. Martinez all are 2-3 against him, and Carlos Pena is 10-33 with 3 home runs against him. You can hear Mr. Happy grinding his teeth all the way from here!

Injury Report From Astros.com

Astros:

John Fields is on the 15 Day DL with a forearm strain.

Fernando Martinez is on the 15 Day DL with an oblique strain. He started a rehab assignment Sunday in AAA.

Alex White underwent Tommy John surgery and is out for the year.

A’s:

Travis Blackley is on the 15 Day DL with a shoulder strain.

Yoenis Cespesdes is on the 15 Day DL with a hand sprain.

Coco Crisp is off the DL, but still day to day with a groin strain.

Hiroyuki Nakajima is close to coming off the 15 Day DL with a straight hamstring.

Fernando Rodriguez is out for the year recovering from Tommy John surgery.

Adam Rosalez is on the 15 Day DL with a strained intercostal.

Scott Sizemore is out for the year with a torn ACL.

Giveaways This Series

The Astros were given away to the AL. Fuck Bud Selig.

Other

• Brad Peacock looks like the after picture of a Bud Norris miracle diet commercial here.
• These first few weeks have been really interesting to watch. The team went from a total strikeout fest every game to suddenly taking close pitches instead of flailing at anything within 5 feet of the plate. It’s rare to see a turnaround like that happen so quickly. One has to wonder exactly what happened. Did Bo Porter just finally send in the “Don’t swing at every pitch ever” sign?
• Although I’ve been keeping up with the team mostly, I’m having a really hard time getting as emotionally invested in writing about the Astros. There just isn’t that much to be excited about playing on the fucking west coast at fucking 9pm every fucking night against fucking teams I fucking don’t care about. Aside from waiting for Pujols to suddenly age like the bad guy at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (or like Dick Clark finally did), I’m just sort of along for the ride so far. I’m trying to muster up hate, but so far it’s pretty lukewarm annoyance.
• Please, for fuck’s sake, put someone that maybe has just a LITTLE bit of gas left in them in the closer’s spot. If I’m going to watch someone blow games, at least make it someone interesting to watch pitch.

Talk about tonight’s ridiculously fucking late game in the GAMEZONE!