Cardinals at Astros – You Want Hate? Here It Is.

Posted on April 26, 2011 by MRaup in Featured, Series Previews

It’s been a stressful couple of fucking weeks for Raup the Younger here. Two weeks ago, I drove a 25 foot U-Haul from Austin to Richmond, Virginia. In case you weren’t aware of this, Richmond is a fucking pimple on the herpes sore on the ass on society. I found a nice beer bar downtown near the hotel we were staying at (and lucky for me, it was on the correct side of 5th Street, so it was safe to walk to after dark), but that was just about the only fucking highlight of the entire trip. I got home on Saturday afternoon, managed to have half a relaxing day, then get a phone call Sunday morning informing me that my mother had fallen and shattered her femur. I’m not exaggerating, folks. SHATTERED her femur. And less than a week before that, she’d managed to fall and re-break her elbow as well. The good news in all of this? I didn’t have to wake up at 5am that Tuesday and drive her to the hospital, because she was already there. Needless to say, the last week and change have been stressful and tiring and a lot of words that would probably get this website shut down by some Government Agency that monitors the internet. So, without further ado, all of my frustration, exhaustion, and downright black bile from the last few weeks will now be channeled toward the Goddamn Cardinals.

And Here. We. Go.

Friendly warning, if you find F-bombs/liberal curse words spread throughout a series preview offensive, you’d best go find something else to read. Might I suggest looking at this website instead? If you do partake in happy puppy website instead of reading this, I at least expect a nice comment for the warning and link, prick.

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday April 26th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678

Wednesday April 27th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678

Thursday April 28th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday

Jaime Garcia (3-0, 1.44 ERA) vs. Bud Norris (1-1, 4.91 ERA)

I don’t know who the fuck Jaime Garcia is, but he can go fuck himself. He’s 24 years old, and looks like the love-child of Albert Pujols and Mike Hampton.

Jaime’s numbers this year are pretty damn spectacular, but the Astros, in limited chances against him, have positively destroyed his Turdinal ass. Collectively, the Good Guys sport a .500 (9-18) average against him, and there are a lot of guys that have gotten in on the action. Kabong (2-3), Senor Sanchez (2-3, 2B, 2 RBIs), Boojwah (1-3, 2B, RBI), CJ (1-2, RBI), Downs (1-2, BB), and Billy Hall (1-1, HR, RBI). Beaker, of course, is horrible against him (0-3, K). I suspect that means he knows how to bounce a slider.

Bud Norris has been his usual obnoxious self so far this year. Way too many pitches per batter, lots of strike outs to go along with lots of hits, and a high ERA. The only real upside to ol’ Bud so far is his complete and total lack of photogenic picture taking ability. He looks like he’s either about to take a dump or he just got a whiff of what he dropped off in every profile picture I’ve seen of him.

Bud has had some decent success against the Card hitters, with a .264 BA against (23-87). I know you’re just dying to hear how Prince Fuckwad (Not to be confused with Prince Fielder, who’s first name really should be Planet instead of Prince) does against Norris. Lady Albert (4-17, 2 2B, RBI), Holliday (5-19, 2 HR, 2B, 5RBI), Yadi “Slower Than Shit Rolling Uphill) Molina (4-14), The”Quiet”riot (2-7), Rasmus (4-16, 2 RB, HR), Former President Jon Jay (1-3), and a few other fucking schulbs nobody cares about anyway.

Wednesday

Kyle Lohse (3-1, 2.01 ERA) v. J.A. Happ (1-3, 6.94)

How the FUCK does scrubby asshole Kyle Lohse has a 2.01 ERA?! That is re-goddamn-diculous. And while we’re on the topic, why does his picture on ESPN look like someone badly photoshopped an ugly landing strip goatee and a Cards hat on a picture of The Rock? I probably should know my role and shut my mouth about the whole thing, Jabroni.

Dwayne Johnson I mean, The People’s Champion. DAMNIT, Kyle Lohse, sports a decent .266 BA Against (41-151). Thunderpants blinks even less than normal (read: NEVER) against Kyle (11-31), Kabong (20-64, 6 2B, 5 HR, 9RBI), and Q (3-10, 2B, RBI) all hit him pretty well. It gets real ugly real fast after that: Michael (1-6), Hall (1-15), Bourn (4-24), and Rodeo Clown (0-2).

J.A. Happ has been pretty goddamn awful so far this year. That ERA is atrocious, and really, aside from one sparkling start (7 2/3 innings, 4 hits, 1 earned run, 4 walks, 5 strikeouts vs. Florida), he’s been a shit sandwich with extra mayo.

Ah, great news here though! The Asshole Cardinals sport a .375 batting average against (12-32). Princess Pujols (4-10, 2b, HR, 3RBI), Holliday (3-7, 2 RBI), YadiMo (3-7, 2 RBI), and Fucking Twinkie (1-2, HR, RBI) all have had a lot of success against him. More on Berkman at the end, I promise.

Thursday

Kyle McClellan (3-0, 2.16 ERA) v. Suckballs McIsFuckingTerrible (0-3, 8.55 ERA)

This is just ridiculous. The Cardinal starter ERAs look like someone is playing MLB: The Show on the Easy setting right now. 3 guys around 2 runs per 9? What is this bullshit? I don’t even know who this yokel is.

The Astros don’t do much against ol’ Kyle, either. A .243 collective batting average (9-37) doesn’t bode well. Pence!! (4-11, RBI), and Bill Hall (2-5, HR, 2 RBI) are the only guys with even decent numbers against McClellan. Everyone else sucks hint tit ( 5-26 collectively, with 1 RBI and no extra base hits).

I don’t have a goddamn nice thing to say about Nelson Figueroa. Not a single one. He is fucking awful His ERA make Happ’s look like Nolan Goddamn Ryan. He sports a WHIP over 2, and has made it out of the 6th inning once in four starts. He walks a guy every other inning, averages a over a hit and a half an inning, and generally pisses me the fuck off. I’m not clamoring for Lyles to get called up, but come on, I bet there is someone within walking distance of Minute Maid RIGHT NOW (at 4:39pm on Tuesday) that would make a better starter than him.

Now that I got that off my chest, the good news. Greaseball Figs actually sports a decent BAA against the Redbirds (.250, 15/60). Pujols (2-13, 2b), Berkman (3-14, 2B, HR, 4 RBI), Yadi Molina (3-8), and Rasmus (2-4, 2B, RBI), Theriot (2-10, HR, RBI), and Matt Holliday (1-5, HR, 2 RBI) are pretty much all the highs and lows to see here. We’ll just hope for the best/swear at the TV a lot.

Notable Giveaways and Promotions

Tuesday is Price Matters Days. Or just go buy a nosebleed ticket and pretend your George Bush. Nobody will know the difference, just head on down to the fabled “Seats Behind Home Plate”, famed location of Ybbodeus’s Mythical Strike Two Dance.

Wednesday is another Price Matters Days. Fuck this boring ass shit.

Thursday is ANOTHER Price Matters Days. Wow, they must’ve spent the entire Promotional budget on this skanky high school girls that run around between innings and get the local slapdicks to play ring toss. What a load.

Injury Report

Cardinals

Bryan Augenstein strained his groin. Fuck him.

Craig Allen strained his groin too. Fuck him twice.

Albert Pujols has left hamstring tightness. You should try giving La Genius a hummer while in a prone position every now and then, Albert. You’re 44 years old (unofficially), your body can’t handle the daily stresses that it once could.

Skip Schumaker is a douchebag. His name is Skip. Fuck him.

Brian Tallet broke a bone in his right hand. Finally, a real injury! He was placed on the DL April 13th, he should be back Mid-May. We’ll give him a pass.

Adam Wainwright is doneski for the yearski with Tommy John surgery. While this injury is also legit, fuck Adam Wainwright.

Astros

Alberto Arias is out with shoulder tendinitis. He should be back in May.

Clint Barmes is due back right after this series, he is out with broken bone in his left hand.

Jason Castro will hopefully be back just in time for the Astros playoff push in September. He has a torn right knee.

Jeff Keppinger has foot surgery, and should be partaking in some extended spring training games soon. He’ll likely have a few rehab starts in the minors before coming back up to join the big club in May.

Wilton Lopez has an irritated nerve in his elbow. He should be back shortly after this series.

Other Stuff

I’ll go ahead and start off with Lance Berkman. I posted this earlier, but I’m going to go ahead and paste it here too, just so everyone is crystal clear on how I feel about Lance.

“ou guys can pussyfoot and pansy around all you want.

Fuck Fat Elvis. He’s a Goddamn Redbird Traitor, and I’ll hate him until he isn’t a Goddamn Redbird Traitor anymore. I’d boo him at Minute Maid. I’d boo him at BFiB Field. I’d boo him while he’s asking for extra chili on his Sheriff Blaylock Nachos. And I’d boo him in line to get another Twinkie from the vending machine.

Fuck Lance Berkman.”

All the leadership talk about how he was a leader for the Astros… Hey, guess what? He was a shitty leader that didn’t lead his troops anywhere but Shitsville. Lance always seemed a lot more interested in snacky cakes and chatting with whoever was within earshot of first base than actually being a leader. Now there’s all this talk about what a great leader he is and leading by example. The only example I’ve seen him set is the example of a beloved player that basically needed to be booted to the curb to realize that he was a fat tub of goo that had eaten his way out of shape and in to constant injuries.

All that being said, I reiterate, Fuck Lance Berkman.

I hate the fucking Cardinals, so it makes it easy for me to spew some serious anger on them. Tony LaRussa is a smug cocksucker. Albert Pujols is a lying-about-his-age cocksucker. Matt Holliday is a having-too-many-l’s-in-his-last-name cocksucker. The list goes on. Fuck ’em, says I.

And lastly, I should’ve written this way earlier in the preview, but my mom is going to be okay. She’ll be rehabbing her busted leg and arm for a couple of months, but she’s already on the road to recovery.

Discuss the game in the Goddamn Gamezone. And if you have any problems or complaints after reading this, please direct them to the SnS HR Director.

Astros @ Reds – Time to Start the 2011 Season! What? 0-3 Already? Damnit.

Posted on April 5, 2011 by MRaup in Series Previews

The Great American Cookie-Cutter

Well, baseball is back… And Astros fans are already looking to declare a do-over to start the season. This is, unfortunately, starting to feel like an Opening Series tradition.

After a heartbreaking season opener, the Phillies went ahead and demolished any hopes of a silver lining Astros fans were hoping for playing against what may be the best starting rotation in baseball. The sweep-finishing game was dominated by none other than former Astro Roy Oswalt. Not exactly the start I was looking for.

And it doesn’t get much prettier. The Reds just completed a three game sweep of the Brewers, snatching victory from the jaws of Axford defeat on Thursday 7-6, hanging on to win 4-2 on Saturday, and blasting the shit out of the Brewcrew 12-3 on Sunday. If I were you, I’d buckle up. It could be a rough rest of the week.

Tuesday April 5, 6:05pm FS-H HD

Wednesday April 6, 6:05pm my20-HD

Thursday April 7, 11:35am Not on TV, suckas!

Pitching Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday

J.A. Happ (Career: 19-9, 3.27) vs. Mike Leake (Career: 8-4, 4.34 )

Homer “J.A.” Happ is the future of the Astros starting rotation. He’s got good stuff, and does a fantastic job pitching through the rough spots. He was one of the few really bright spots last season. I’m not surprised that he pitches his way out of jams, though. He’s got the crazy eyes!

The Reds, in limited chances against J.A., haven’t had much success. As a team, they’re 3-18 against him, with Brandon Phillips doing all of the damage (2-3 with 2 homers). Reteria has the other hit, just a single though. Everyone else that has faced Happ sports a big fat goose egg.

Mike Leake is a pretty incredible story. He made his professional baseball debut in the bigs with the Reds, and had a pretty damn successful season for someone with absolutely no minor-league time.

Current Astros have had mixed results against the former Texas Tech head coach, going a combined 9-35 against him last year. Bourn (3-8, but with 5 Ks), Thunderpants (3-9, HR), Chris Johnson (1-3, HR), and Jason Michaels (1-1, 2B) all have had some success. Everyone else is sucking it up pretty badly, we’re looking at you Carlos (1-9).

Wednesday

Nelson Figueroa (Career: 20-32, 4.29) vs. Edinson Volquez (Career: 28-22, 4.40)

Figgy’s mugshot is featured in the dictionary next to the word Journeyman. And oh what a mugshot it is. Yikes. There isn’t much to say about Nelson that hasn’t been said before. He isn’t flashy, he doesn’t throw terribly hard, and he doesn’t do anything spectacularly, but he gets the job done and eats innings. Which, when you think about it, is what the back end of this rotation really needs.

The Reds as a team have moderate success against Figgy, sporting a .288 average (17-59). Renteria (5-13) and Rolen (4-11, HR) have done most of the damage, with a few more hits shared between the rest of the lineup: Phillips (2-4), Votto (1-3), Bruce (1-4, HR), and Heisey (2-3… Who the hell is Heisey?).

Edinson Volquez is, allegedly, the Reds ace. He sports some unholy stuff when he’s on, but his career numbers sure aren’t indicative of how awesome he should be. Edinson gave up five earned runs in six innings to the Brewers, but the Red bats bailed him out in the ninth, with a dramatic three run home run off of the Brewer closer, Axford.

The Good Guys are a not-so-great 11-62 against Edinson. Thunderpants (3-14, HR and a double) is the only Astro with an extra base hit against him. Michaels (2-3) and Brett Wallace (2-3) are the only other hitters who don’t suck hind tit versus Volquez. The rest is pretty awful: Kabong! (0-10, 3K… But he’s got two walks, which is nice), Q (0-6), Bourn (1-9, 3K), and an assortment of small sample size 0fers round out the lineup. Ugh.

Thursday

Brett Myers (0-0, 1.29) vs. Sam LeCure (0-0, 0.00)

Myers did what an ace is supposed to do in his first start, he went out and dominated his former team. If it wasn’t for that little hiccup known as “the rest of the game”, the Good Guys would’ve started the season beating one of the Top Five starters in baseball, and maybe people wouldn’t be using clever standby nicknames like “Lastros” and “DisAstros” just yet. Oh, what could have been.

Now the bad news. The Reds rock Brett to the tune of a.349 batting average. Renteria (17-40, 2 HR. Goddamn I’m tired of typing his name), Rolen, 8-19, HR), Stubbs (3-6, HR)… Fuck! Everyone hits him well except Brandon Phillips (3-19) and Paul Janish (0-6).

Sam LeCure pitched a shutout relief inning on opening day, and now is stepping in to fill the hole left by Homer Bailey’s shoulder injury. Once Bailey comes back, it stands to reason he’ll slide back in to the bullpen.

The Good Guys have had a lot of success in very limited numbers against Sam, sporting a .357 batting average (5-14). Q (1-2), Kabong (1-4), Bourn (1-3), Pence (2-4, HR), and Chris Johnson (0-1) are the only guys on the Astro roster that have faced him.

MLB.com Injury Report

Astros

Alberto Arias has slight shoulder tendonitis, and won’t be back until late April.

Clint Barmes still has a broken hand. Should be back in late April.

Jason Castro is done until probably September after shredding his knee. He’s already had surgery.

Kepp had foot surgery, and isn’t due back until May.

Reds

Homer Bailey has a mild shoulder impingement. I don’t know what that is, but apparently it stops you from pitching. He’s due back later this month.

Jared Burton has an inflamed shoulder. He’s due back later this month as well.

Johnny Cueto has mild inflammation in his shoulder as well. He’s due back later this month.

Goddamn, I think it’s about time the Reds blocked the Spanktravision in their Spring Training complex. That is a LOT of inflamed shoulders.

Fred Lewis has a sore oblique and is due back later this month as well.

Promotions and Giveaways

Not a goddamn thing. The Reds front office make Drayton and Co. look downright generous.

This and That

I actually made an effort to watch the Season Opener, despite expecting the absolute worst. I was pleasantly surprised. Eight innings of great baseball seems like it might be a lot to ask of this team when they’re playing the class of the National League, but they actually delivered it. Myers is fun to watch pitch, and the bullpen is full of some interesting prospects.
I can’t ever decide what I think about Wandy. When he’s on, that curveball is a hammer. When he’s off, his curveball gets hammered.
Norris, despite having outstanding stuff, doesn’t seem like he’s got the control to be a front line pitcher. Everything he throws has the chance to be nasty, but too often his pitches end up right down the pipe and get smashed.
Hopefully, the Good Guys bats will have a little more success against the Reds pitching staff. I’m not expecting an offensive explosion or anything, but it would be nice to see the guys that are supposed to be plus offensive players getting it going before the Astros are 6 games back in the standings after playing six games.

Discuss the games is the Gamezone! And tell Limey to go to hell for me!

Astros @ Pirates – Shiver Me (Sep)Tembers!

Posted on September 24, 2010 by MRaup in Series Previews

Now that we’ve gotten the horrible play on words out of the way, on to the preview! Ah, who am I kidding. This is going to be full of bad plays on words, dick jokes, and general half-assery. Enjoy!

Friday September 24, 6:05pm, FS-H

Saturday September 25, my20

Sunday September 26, FS-H

Probable Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

Brett Myers (13-7, 2.76) v. James McDonald (4-5, 4.09)

Brett has been a beast all year, sporting an Astros record 31 straight starts of six innings or more.

The Pirates sport a .274 average, but a putrid .316 on base percentage. Andrew McCutchen (6-10), Pedro Alvarez (4-6), and Andy LaRoche (3-3) all hit him well. Everyone else is varying degrees of bad.

McDonald was terrible early in the year, but a 20 inning scoreless streak that was just broken last game has brought his ERA down from the middle fives to the low fours. He struggled through five innings of four walk four hit baseball in his last outing, a win that took 101 pitches to get through.

The Astros are batting a clean 1.000 against McDonald, with Anderson Hernandez and Jason Michaels both having a hit in one appearance.

Saturday

Bud Norris (9-8, 4.85) v. Zach Duke (7-14, 5.68)

Norris has given up two or less runs in his last three starts, and has lasted at least six innings in all three of them. His ERA has come down half a point, and he sports a 3.28 ERA in the month of September.

The Pirates as a team sport a .279 (17-61) average against Bud, but the damage is mostly spread around. Garrett Jones (3-9), Lastings Milledge (3-6), and Ronny Cedeno (3-4) do most of the damage. Everyone else is pretty sub-par.

Zach Duke is… well, lets just face it, he’s pretty awful. His ERA has been skyrocketing this month thanks to two awful outings in a row where he lasted a combined four and a third innings and gave up a whopping twelve runs (eleven of which were earned). His last outing was a lot better, but looks a lot more like the exception than the rule.

The Good Guys post a .280 (21-75) average against Duke, with Pence!!! (4-11), Q (2-5), and Boojwah (3-5) leading the charge.

Sunday

JA Happ (6-2, 2.99) v. Paul Maholm (8-15, 5.25)

JA has been pretty spectacular in recent days. He hasn’t lost in over a month, and despite one bad outing the offense bailed him out of, he’s put up stellar numbers since becoming an Astro in the RoyO trade. That trade is looking more and more like a huge Astros win in my eyes.

JA has absolutely dominated the Pirates, to the tune of a .182 (10-55) average. Only Andrew McCutchen (3-10, 1 homer) has more than one hit against him.

Maholm ERA is almost half a point lower than the start of September. He broke a skid of 8 straight losses or no decisions in a row with a win in his last start, beating the Redbirds while tossing seven innings of two run baseball. He’s been pretty decisively horrible since the start of August, with a few decent games tossed in there for good measure.

Ah, I knew it was coming eventually. The horrible pitcher that the Astros for some reason struggle mightily against. Current Astros bat .233 (44-189) against Paul. Pence (11-35), Q (5-15), and Angel FUCKING Sanchez (3-7) do all the damage against Maholm. Everyone else sucks eggs.

Crappy MLB.com Injury Report

Houston

Nothing new to report here. Arias and Moehler are both out for the year. Bourn is day to day with a tweaked oblique, but then again, aren’t we really all day to day?

Pirates

Holy shit, that’s a long DL list.

Jose Ascanio is probably done for the year with shoulder and hand surgery. And your mom just told you you’d go blind.

Jeff Clement is out for the season with a pulled oblique. Michael Bourn says you’re a pussy, Jeff.

Kevin Hart is out for the year with a torn labrum. Insert torn labia joke here.

Jeff Karstens is out with shoulder soreness. Probably from Dutch Ruddering with Jose up there. He might be available at the end of the season… Which is now.

Lastings Milledge is out for the rest of the year with an oblique strain. Michael Bourn thinks you’re also a pussy, Lastings. Also, your name sucks.

Ross Ohlendorf is out for the year with a right shoulder strain. Man, the fucking Pirates injury reporter is a lazy motherfucker.

Steve Pearce has patella tendonitis, out for the the year.

Donald Veal is out for the year with Tommy John surgery. He’ll come back with a very tender, delicious throwing arm next year I’m sure.

Promotions and Giveaways

Friday Night – Pretty decent looking fleece scarf and gloves. Downside, they have Pirates shit on them.

Saturday Night – A post-game concert from fan favorites, O.A.R. Wait… Aren’t those the motherfuckers that sing that obnoxious song they were using for EVERY baseball team’s promos on Fox Sports? Smithers! Have the Rolling Stones Killed!

Sunday – Fan Appreciation Day. That’s right. The one guy that has come to every home game this year is going to be honored! Well, he would be honored, but the Pirates will be sad to announce that he actually died in his seat back in 2004 and nobody noticed until today since nobody has say within 25 rows of him since the day he died.

Our Interesting Things to… Whatever.

The void is closing in fast for us non-playoff contending fans. It’s going to be a good off season though, since there is more than a little hope on the horizon. That is, there will be hope until Limey posts the Astro Magic Number on Opening Day and they proceed to go 1-161. Surprisingly, the 1 win will happen in Washington, and Das will be in attendance. The Astros will win on a pinch hit home run by Jeff Fulchino in the 22nd inning.

So ends my reign of terror as a Preview Writer for the year. Thanks for reading, and I apologize for not being strosrays.

And lastly, not that it has anything to do with anything, but Fuck the Cubs. Watching them implode ranks about half a point behind watching the Astros win on my BES (Baseball Enjoyability Scale).

Discuss the games in the Gamezone!

Astros at Diamondbacks – Me and the Astros Have Something In Common

Posted on September 3, 2010 by MRaup in Series Previews

So, a personal note or two to start things off. I’m moving to Los Angeles for a month on the 7th of September for work. So, similar to the Good Guys, I’m headed West for the forseeable future (minus the stop over in Lovableloserville). I’ll beat the ‘Stros to LA by a few days, but I’m hopeful I can catch a game or two of the Series while I’m out there since I’ll have weekends free.

I’d suggest any LA-based Stros fans meet up with me while I’m out there to try and see a ballgame, but if my trip to Houston last weekend has taught me anything, it’s that nobody on the TZ wants to hang out with me except for drunken British reprobates (thanks again, Limey).

I also mention my trip because I’ve been insanely busy getting read to go to LA for the last few days and managed to completely blank on my Preview Writing duties today until just now. So, with a little over 2 hours until game time, here’s the down and dirty series preview.

Dodger Stadium

Probable Pitching Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Brett Myers (10-7, 2.97) v. Daniel Hudson (4-1, 1.83)

Check out Brett’s picture on the probable links. He looks like a prime candidate for a neck tattoo. Hudson looks like he’s about 16, and may or may not be thinking about boobies right now.

If you’re waiting for some useful information about these guys, you’re not gonna get it. No time, folks! No time!

Saturday

Bud Norris (6-8, 5.17) v. Joe Saunders (2-4, 4.70)

Bud’s ERA has lowered every month this season so far. His stuff is awesome, but he’s still learning to pitch in the big leagues.

The bad news? The Snakes post a .409 BA against him, 9 hits in 22 at bats, 2 home runs. Yikes.

Joe Saunders posted a really nice outing against the Chargers Padres in his last start, but the four starts before that were varying degrees of ugly.

Jason Michaels only has one hit in nine at bats against him. Kabong has three hits in eight at bats. Keppinger has one hit in two at bats. Nobody else has faced him.

Sunday

J.A. Happ (5-2, 2.89) v. Rodrigo Lopez (5-12,5.24)

Jaaaaaay has been pretty awesome since coming over from the Phillies. I don’t know if this is the real J.A. Happ or if he’s just happ-y to be with the Astros, but I’ve liked what I’ve seen so far. He’s a battler.

The good news: Happ absolutely dominates current D-bag cks to the tune of four hits in thirty three at bats, which leads to a sparkling .121 batting average against.

Rodrigo Lopez… Really? Who cares. Obviously he isn’t having a very good year.

Unsurprisingly, the Good Guys suck on ice against Rodrigo. They sport a robust .211 batting average, with eight hits in thirty eight at bats. Woof. Thunderpants (3-6) takes care of business against him, but that’s about it. Kabong is a putrid two of sixteen against him.

Injury Report

Houston

Nothing new to report here. Arias is still torn up, but apparently has begun throwing from flat ground again. Moehler’s groin fell off, but they taped it back on. Paulino is throwing from flat ground again, but odds are he’ll trip on a dandelion and tear another important joint/muscle right around the time he should be returning.

Arizona

Kris Benson is a tool. And by that I mean he’s out for the year with a shoulder strain.

Brandon Webb is on the DL with shoulder stiffness, but apparently “threw very successful simulated game August 28th”. I wonder what the difference is between successful and very successful.

Shit They’re Giving Away, Road Edition

Nothing Friday, but Saturday a sweet Montero Bobblehead. Who Montero, you ask? I don’t know either. It doesn’t say. Here it is, though. I’ve never known Montero to be an Asian last name, but hey, what do I know?

Sunday is Reynolds growth charts. Yippie!

Our Interesting Things to Chat About (Since There Isn’t Much to Look For)

I’ve been enjoying the few games I’ve gotten to watch and the highlights I’ve seen over the past few weeks, as many others have said in the TZ over the last few days. Watching the youngsters play good baseball has been fun, and bitchslapping the Fuckin’ Cardinals is always a good time. I hope this isn’t just a flukey little blip on the radar, but even if it is, it sure is more watchable than anything that the Good Guys were going last year. Thanks for reading, I’m back to scrambling to get ready for my trip to LA.

Talk about the games in the Gamezone… Or don’t. See if I care.

Reds at Astros – They’re HOW Many Games Above The Good Guys?!

Posted on July 23, 2010 by MRaup in Series Previews

Wow. What a kick in the pants that was. Checking the standings of the NL Central today, I realized that the Redlegs stand a staggering thirteen games ahead of the Good Guys, and they’re not even leading the division. Jesus. Talk about franchises headed in opposite directions. That is uglier than a room full of shirtless Cub fans.

Minute Maid Park

Friday July 23, 7:05 pm FS-H HD

Saturday July 24, 6:05 pm FS-H HD

Sunday July 25, 1:05 pm FS-H HD

Projected Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

Travis Wood (0-1, 2.03) v. Bud Norris (2-7, 6.09)

Well, this is a great start. Some guy that nobody has ever heard of that apparently has just pitched like a beast since being called up versus Bud “Rock Me Sock Me” Norris. Wood has started four games for a total of twenty six innings. His stats so far: 12 hits, 6 earned runs, 2 homers, 9 walks, 23 strikeouts, .79 WHIP.

And the best news? Nobody on the Astros have ever faced him. Transation: We’re boned.

Bud Norris is basically a disaster so far this year. His ERA has hovered around 6 the entire season, and other than a gem against the Padres a few weeks ago that he still took the loss in, he hasn’t shown many signs of getting better. Looking at his game log, the number of 4.somethings and 5.0’s is pretty alarming considering how many pitches he is throwing per game.

The Redlegs bat a respectable .278 against Bud, but have only collected three RBIs against him as a team. Orlando Cabrera (2-3) and Jay Bruce (1-1) are the only ones that have great (and VERY limited) stats against him. Joey Votto (0-3) hasn’t done a damn thing. So, if you’re keeping score at home, put ALL your money on Votto going 8-8 with 4 home runs against Bud tonight.

Saturday

Johnny Cueto (9-2, 3.39) v. Roy Oswalt (6-11, 3.12)

Cueto is having a dominating year so far, like most of the Reds starters. He hasn’t given up more than two runs in his last two starts. Really, the only thing you can complain about with Cueto is he doesn’t eat innings as much as you’d want him to. In six of his twenty starts, he’s gone less than six innings.

Good news, the Astros knock Johnny C. around a little bit, sporting a .311 average and .975 OPS against him. Twinkie (5-13, 2 HR) leads the charge, with Thunderpants (6-20), MB (5-14), Q (2-6), and Paul Happy (2-3) all chipping in. Kabong (3-14) isn’t so hot, and Kepp (0-1) has never gotten a hit off him either.

Sunday

Mike Leake (7-1, 3.45) v. Wandy Rodriguez (7-11, 5.11)

Leake recently was fired from his job as the head football coach at Texas Tech, and is su… oh, right. Leake has come back down to earth a little bit, in that his ERA is actually visible to the naked eye now. Leake has given up 5 or more earned runs in five of his last eight starts, maybe showing that the league has figured him out a little bit.

Fear not though, Astros fans! The Good Guys, in their two appearances against Mike, have mustered a whopping 9 hits in 36 at bats. Four of those nine have come from Jeff Keppinger BECAUSE YOU CAN’T THROW THAT WEAK ASS SHIT TO JEFF KEPPINGER, BITCH! The other five belong to Hunter Pence (2), Pedro Feliz (2), and Michael Bourn (1). So don’t expect much.

Despite a minor setback in Fucktardville Chicago, Wandy is pitching much better as of late. A sure sign I dropped him from my fantasy team only to have him snatched off the waiver wire. Damnit.

Joey Votto (7-22), Jonny Gomes (6-13), Miguel Cairo (4-7), and Ramon Hernandez (5-13) all hit the Lil’est Lefty pretty well. Brandon Phillips (7-29), Drew Stubbs (0-7) and Jay Bruce (1-17) all stink up the joint pretty good. Wow Jay, probably should sit a few plays out, buddy.

The “Roy Oswalt Whiny Ass Trade Me Or I’ll Keep Bitching In The Media” Tour continues. Frankly, I say get the best offer you can for him and send him packing for a boatload of prospects and be done with him. If 15 million dollars isn’t enough to make you happy Roy-O, hit the bricks.

The Reds hit RoyO surprisingly well considering his historic dominance aginast them (23-2, 2.62 ERA). They bat a cool .293 as a team against Roy in 188 at bats, but only have 5 homers and 18 RBIs. Brandon Phillips (12-35), Joey Votto (8-27), Miguel Cairo (5-17), and Laynce Nix (I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY! 7-15) all hit him pretty well. Orlando Cabrera (0-9,), Scott Rolen (9-42), and Jay Bruce (7-26) struggle agianst Roy, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

Notable Giveaways and Promotions

Friday – A pretty sweet looking Blue Retro cap. Until you look inside it and realize there’s a free embroidered picture of Pam in there. WOOF! And fireworks, of course.

Saturday – A Mike Scott Bobblehead, presumably brought to you by Sure Deodorant.

Sunday – A Webkinz doll. I *STILL* don’t know what the fuck a Webkinz is, and I’m still VERY happy about it.

Stupid Ass MLB.com Fantasy Baseball Injury Report

Reds – Homer Bailey is on the 15 Day DL with shoulder inflammation. Doh!

Chris Dickerson is on the 60 Day DL with a broken hook on his hamate bone. I’m not sure what language that injury is in.

Aaron Harang is on the 15 Day DL for being an ugly motherfucker with a funny nickname. Heh, Harangatang.

Mike Lincoln is on the 60 Day DL with a pulled muscle on his right side. Wow, thrilling.

And lastly, Scott Rolen is Day to Day with a sore hammy. But then again, aren’t we really all day to day?

Astros – Geoff Blum – 15 Day DL for loose bodies in his elbow. Damn slutty elbow.

Alberto Arias is still out of the year with a blowed up shoulder.

Jeff Fulchino developed tendonitis in his elbow while proving to the rest of the bullpen he really could eat two dozen cupcakes in three innings.

Tommy Manzella’s pinky is still broken, which makes it really difficult to show his class while drinking tea.

Brian Moehler strained his groin helping carry Fulchino to the trainers room after CupcakeGate ’10.

Felipe Paulino is out for an undetermined amount of time due to a strained rotator cuff. Yeah, my rotator cuff is strained too from writing about all these goddamned injuries.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

Not much interesting to see here other than two clubs headed in opposite directions. The Reds look to be legit contenders for at least the Wild Card if not the NL Central Crown, while the Astros are headed down to the basement to play spin the bottle with the Pirates. Ugh.

I just realized that I don’t have a single Cubs series this whole season. I tried to muster up some good, old fashioned hate for this preview, but I just can’t the Reds enough to write that way. Mostly I just spent this entire time sighing and longing for f-bomb laced tirades about Fuckhead Soriano and Fat Lou, who is on his way out at the end of the year.

Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Or in the Astros case, you win some, you lose a shitload more.

I’d also like to take this time to plug a new TV show I’ve been watching recently. If you haven’t checked out The Good Guys on Fox yet, it’s hilarious. Bradley Whitford has a monster mustache, and the show is just ridiculous. Check it out, I think you’ll like it.

Discuss this weekend’s activities in The GameZone!

Astros at Brewers – Good Thing We’re Playing The Brewers, Because I Need A Beer.

Posted on June 28, 2010 by MRaup in Series Previews

Miller Park

The Good Guys broke the Rangers winning streak over the weekend, but mostly managed to just trip over their collective dicks for the rest of the series to give away the coveted Silver Boot for the 105344th season in a row. So now it’s on to face fellow NL Central Schlock-servers, the Brew Crew.

Monday June 28, 7:10pm FS-H HD

Tuesday June 29, 7:10pm FS-H HD

Wednesday June 30, 1:10pm FS-H (What is it about afternoon games that makes HD so hard to do?)

Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Monday

Bud Norris (2-5, 6.80) v. Manny Parra (2-5, 3.83)

Bud Norris truly lives up to his nickname. Like most Bud products, he isn’t dazzling anyone at all. His numbers, like Bud beer taste, are pretty blah. He has had a few good outings, but rarely lasts past the 5th or 6th inning, and has usually given up three or four runs by then.

Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, Corey Hart, and Casey McGehee all have one hit against him in a total of fourteen at bats. Craig Counsell has zero. Looks like Bud could tap a keg of the good stuff tonight.

Manny Parra is like anice cold Pacifico. You think to yourself, “Mexican beer? Ew.” But then you realize, “Hey! This shit is pretty good.”

The Good Guys sports a robust .361 team average against Manny in eighty three at bats. Kabong (8-15, 1 HR), Twinkie (5-14, 2 doubles, 1 HR), and Pedro Feliz (3-7, 1 HR) lead the charge against El Pacifico. Thunderpants (3-17) sucks pretty bad against him, but that isn’t enough to keep him out of the lineup. He’s making an All Star push, ya know.

Tuesday

Brett Myers (5-5, 3.20) v. Yovani Gallardo (7-3, 2.36)

Everything about Myers screams Pabst Blue Ribbon except for his numbers this year. So I’ll go ahead and give him the nod as Czechvar. Delicious, but then you find out the unusual history behind it and how Budweiser and the numerous lawsuits surrounding the name, it makes it even better to drink. Take that, giant shitty American brewery.

The Brewcrew haven’t had a lot of success against Chinpubes Myers. Anaheim Jimmy (6-18) is a cocksucker, but we all knew that already. The rest of the crew has managed a whopping ten hits in forty six at bats.

Yovani Gallardo is Franziskaner. His name is hard to pronouce/spell, but damn, he’s pretty good. This should be a pretty good pitching matchup.

The Astros aren’t terrible against Franz. Kabong (5-18, HR), Thunderpants (5-16, double and a triple), Bourn (5-14, but 7 strikeouts), and Feliz (2-5, HR) all hit him pretty well. Twinkie and Blum (both 3-14) as well as Q (2-9) all scuffle against him some.

Wednesday

Wandy Rodriguez (4-10, 5.64) v. Dave Bush (3-5, 4.54)

I feel for Wandy. I don’t know what has happened to him, but he’s gone from something great to something awful. He showed some signs of coming out of his season long funk against the Rangers, battling for six innings and only giving up two unearned runs. It brought his ERA down almost a half point, which should give you an idea of how awful he’s been so far.

The Brewers hit Wandy to the tune of .311. Most of that damage has been done by Corey Hart (11-27), who wears these at night. Ryan Braun (6-16, 3 HR) and Rickie Weekes (5-16) round out the big bats. Jimmy Edmonds (1-7) and Carlos Gomez (0-3) round out the ugly side.

Dave Bush compares quite favorably to his namesake as well, Busch Beer. He’s bland, not really good at all, and if you drink/watch him pitch enough, you’ll start to feel ill.

The Astros have pretty good numbers against Buschman. Hunter Pence (8-17, HR), Blummer (6-17, HR), Bourn (4-10), and Fat Elvis (11-36) all pound the Busch. Jason Michaels (0-3) and Kabong (4-20) both prefer sipping to shotgunning.

Crappy MLB.com Injury Report Geared Toward Fantasy Baseballers

Astros:

Alberto Arias still doneski for the yearski.

Tommy Manzella fractured his pinky. What a shitty injury. No chick is going to be impressed with a broken pinky.

Felipe Paulino is on the 15 day DL with tendonitis in his throwing shoulder. Fuckin’ figures.

Brewers:

Judy Gerut has a bruised heel. Wahhhhhh!

LaTroy Hawkins is on the DL with shoulder discomfort. He’s scheduled to start throwing again at the end of May, so we’ll just miss The Hawk.

Gregg Zaun is a tough sum’bitch, but he shredded his labrum in his right shoulder. He should be back next year.

Promotions and Giveaways

Wednesday is Valvoline Instant Oil Change Coupon Day! Wooooo!

Our Interesting Beers to Look For

A personal favorite of mine – Ayinger Oktoberfest. Two words, uh mazing.
Another personal favorite, and a local to Houston Brew – Southern Star Bombshell Blonde. Fantastic taste for a lighter colored beer, and a great motto “Clarity is Overrated”.
A classic German – Spaten Premium. My favorite beer to end the night with. Maybe end the night several times with.
And lastly – Ska Blonde Dubbel. Anything Ska is tasty, as long as you get it in a bottle and not a can. But this stuff is awesome.

Discuss your beer choices in the BeerZone, and happy drinking!

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