Bank One Ballpark Chase Field

Thursday, May 24, 8:40p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, May 25, 8:40p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 26, 8:40p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, May 27, 3:40p.m. CDT – KNWS

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Thursday
Wandy Rodriguez (2-3, 3.99) v. Micah Owings (2-1, 4.96)

Wandy’s fortunes with the W/L Gods have changed recently. From repeated hard luck loser to winner of his last 2 starts, thanks to decent run support and a lack of the “Wandy-Inning” (patent pending!).
Other than Livan Hernandez and Scott Hairston (both 2 for 2, each with a homer), the D-Backs haven’t done much against Wandy. Byrnes, Young, and Jackson all have a hit off him, but minimal damage otherwise.
(edited to fix my accidental Giants coverage… Sorry to bring back nightmares of Omar Visquel’s vacuum-like glovework)

Owings got shelled in his last start, at Pittsburg. He gave up 7 earnies in 2.2 innings against the Pirates, including two bases loaded walks. He faced Houston earlier this year out of the bullpen, and pitched 1 1/3 innings and gave up one run.
Berkman and Biggio both got hits off of him. Berkman’s double drove in Biggio. 4 other Astros have faced him, and they’re all 0-1.

Friday
Woody Williams (1-6, 5.52) v. Randy Johnson (2-2, 4.54) Edgar Gonzalez (1-2, 4.81) probably.

Woody has his quality start streak come to crashing halt against the Rangers in his last start, getting shelled and leaving the game before he completed 5 innings. For reasons I don’t understand, Woody tends to pitch up in the zone a lot. When you’re throwing 80ish miles an hour, that seems like a recipe for disaster… Or at least for burnt popcorn. Hopefully he can right the ship again against the D-Backs.
Eric Byrnes(4-9), Conor Jackson (5-14, 2 dingers), Chris Snyder (5-15), and Chad Tracy (8-28, 2 dongs) all tune up pretty good on Woodrow. Tony Clark (6-26) and Orlando Hudson (3-18) haven’t done much. Thank God Livan Hernandez isn’t pitching against Woody today, he goes 3 of 7 against Woody with 3 RBIs.

If you’re like me, you’re wearing a cumberbund and nothing else. Also, you’re wondering who the hell Edgar Gonzalez is. So are most of the Astros, except for Adam Everett. He is sporting a shiny 8.10 ERA in the month of May, 3 runs in 3.1 innings of bullpen work. If ever there was a game the Good Guys SHOULD win, its this one. Assuming that Livan Hernandez doesn’t pinch hit with the bases juiced, of course.
 The Good Guys have had a lot of success against Edgar in limited numbers. Adam Everett is 4 for 6 with 3(!!!!!!) home runs. Carlos Lee is 1 for 1 with an RBI. Mark Loretta is 2 for 3. Berkman is 2 for 5. Everyone that has faced him has a hit off him, but those are the ones that stand out. Bidge is only 1 of 5 against him. But, he’ll be fine.

Saturday
Chris Sampson (4-4, 3.31) v. Brandon Webb (3-3, 3.86)

What can you say about Chris Sampson? Guy has done everything you could possibly ask of him. He goes out, throws strikes, keeps the ball down, and keeps the Good Guys in games. He should be 6-2 by my count, but run support has been hard to come by.
 It has been feast or famine for the D-Backs against Chris. Chad Tracy (3-3, 3 doubles), Chris Young (3-4, 2 solo homers) had a good game against Sampson in Houston. Byrnes (1-3) and Snyder (1-3) both tallied singles. Everyone else that faced him, 0’s. Not too shabby, I’d say.

Oh how I hate Brandon Webb. Every pitch he throws looks like that funky Albers slider from the other night that JD said looked like a Whiffle ball. I have to believe that even Webb doesn’t know exactly where his pitches are going. Just that they are filthy.
 Carlos Lee (8-15), Mark Loretta (7-22),and Jason Lane (2-3) hit Brandon pretty well. After that things get dicey. Everett is 4 for 16, Iceberg is 2 of 12, Twinkie is 2 of 17, Officer Brad is 1 of 15, and Bidge is a miserable 1 of 21. On the plus side, Bidge’s one hit was a home run. The Muppet Messiah is 0-4 against Brandon, but don’t tell ESPN!

[b]Sunday[/b]
Roy Oswalt (6-3, 3.04) v. Livan Hernandez (4-2, 3.66)

Roy managed to turn a victory in to a loss in San Fran, pissing away a massive 2 run lead in the middle innings. I suspect that Roy can bounce back from the devastating loss, but we’ll just have to see. He has such a fragile ego, I’m not sure that 2 run single by Slo-Mo-lina is something he’ll ever recover from.
 The D-Backs haven’t had a ton of success against Roy. Chris Young (2-3), Chris Snyder (2-5), and Steven Drew (3-9) are the only real success stories. Livan Hernandez has a hit off Roy in four trips, la-de-dah. Byrnes (3-12), Tracy (4-18), and Orlando Hudson (2-13) join a not-so-exclusive club of guys that struggle against Sparky.

Giveaways this series …

Saturday visors and Sunday kid hats. Who Cares?

]Injury Report

Houston –

No new DL moves. Jennings should be activated soon, but he won’t pitch until after this series is over.
Giminez still is resting his torn labia.
Backe is still chomping at the bit, but won’t be back any time soon.

Brad Lidge went to Houston for a MRI on his knee. I’m sure it was Albert Pujols’ fault somehow.

D-Backs –

Jeff DaVavnon was just sent from the 15 day DL to the 60 day with some form of shoulder injury.
Chad Tracy is on the 15 day DL with a rib injury.

Not on the actual DL, but on the day to day list:
Randy Johnson will miss his Friday start with tendonitis in his throwing arm.
Chris Young has a strained vaginerrrr groin, but should be ready to play at some point in this series.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

[list][li] Hopefully the injury bug isn’t contagious. The D-Backs are struggling with a multitude of day-to-day injuries.

[/li][li] A new Astro-Killah is born. Chris Young (No, not Chris Young or even this Chris Young… Yeah, THAT Chris Young), bitter and pissed due to Houston completely ignoring him in the draft despite his 100 HR a season potential in Minute Maid Park, will probably run roughshod on the Good Guys again. Hopefully his groin injury keeps him in check until the series is over. [/li]

[li] The triumphant return of Morgan Ensberg… For at least one at-bat, it looked like maybe the MoBerg that actually swings the bat more than once a game had decided to return from his Fortress of Solitude. Course, he grounded into a double play his next at bat, so maybe there will be some kind of home run hitting/walking/double play hitting hybrid Ensberg (Caption to this picture: That’s right where the ball I dove for Wednesday night bounced off my glove) this go round. Or maybe Loretta will take over and everyone can just be happy (except Paul). [/li]
[/list]
 
And now, my open letter to the Houston Astros:

Dear Astros,
 STOP TAKING FUCKING STRIKE 3 YOU BUNCH OF SLAPDICKS!

 Love,
  Zipp’s Lackey
p.s. Jason Jennings, I apologize again for the laxative laced brownies Alkie sent you. I told him it was a bad idea but he wouldn’t listen. Who knew you could strain a tendon in your arm on the shitter.

Discuss today’s game in the  GameZone, but be nice to the Clarks. Those other Astros Message Boards are just too rough for their delicate sensibilities.

The Great American Bandbox

Monday, May 7, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, May 8, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 9, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 10, 11:35 p.m. CDT – FSN

Okay. I’ve tried being funny. I’ve tried… Allright, funny is all I’ve tried, other than asking a plastic kid’s toy how a series would turn out. Nonetheless, I’m sick of the Good Guys winning one out of three in the previews I do. It’s time to get this ship pointed in the right direction, hoist the Jolly Roger, load up the cannons, hoist the mainsail, and take care of business!

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Roy Oswalt (4-2, 3.06) v. Kyle Lohse (1-2, 3.12)

Roy O upped his record against the Reds last week to 18-1, going 8 innings and utterly destroying the Reds save a solo shot by Adam Dunn that barely snuck over the right field wall. It’s a pretty well documented fact that Roy owns the Reds, so I’m not going in to any great detail about it. Roy, stare at this for at least 30 minutes before game time. Alex Gonzalez (5-13) is the enemy. Destroy him by any means possible! And if you’re feeling generous, please plunk Griffey Jr. for me at some point in the game if the Good Guys manage to get a lead.

Kyle Lohse was re-signed via arbitration by the Redlegs with hopes of him filling out the middle/bottom the rotation. Lohse hasn’t done anything spectacular since his first few years with the Twins; mostly he eats innings and gives up a lot of fly balls. He gives up more hits than innings pitched, and his ERA has hovered around 4.50 higher for most of his career. The 3.12 ERA he is sporting right now will almost definitely go way up before the season is over, especially when you see his ground outs to fly outs split favors fly balls. And we all know that fly balls in The Great American Who Fucking Cares mean homeruns, and lots of ‘em.
On paper, the Astros own Mr. Lohse. The following players hit .333 or above against him: Roy Oswalt (1-2), Jason Lane (1-2), Brad Ausmus (2-5), Carlos Lee (16-41!), Craig Biggio (3-9), Orlando Palmeiro (1-3), Adam Everett (2-6), Mike Lamb (4-12), Pence!!! (1-3). Everyone else pretty much has sucked against him.

Tuesday
Wandy Rodriguez (0-3, 4.09) v. Eric Milton (0-4, 4.85)

Wandy and Woody are fighting hard for the “Last Starter To Get A Win” award, Houston Division. Wandy had one bad outing against the Brewers, which is the only thing keeping his ERA above 4. He has given up 3 or less runs in all but that one start, and has done a great job battling through the infamous “Wandy Inning” he was known for last year. Wandy has only walked 8(!) so far this year, while ponche-ing 32. That is pretty damn impressive.
Aside from Griffey Jr. (6-8), Wandy has done a pretty good job against the Reds in his career in limited numbers. Adam Dunn and Brandon Phillips are both 2 for 5 against him. Other than that, he has kept the Reds he has faced in check. The only homer Wandy has given up to a Red was Griffey’s cannon-shot during the Reds series at MMP last week.

Eric Milton generally sucks. He’s only made it through 6 innings once so far this year, with a couple of 5 inning outings and a 4 and one third outing too. And we all know what happens when you turn the game over to the Reds’ pen early in the game… Boom boom, out go the lights.
Morgan Ensberg (7-13, 2 HR, 3 BB) absolutely owns Milton, as does Brad Ausmus (10-27). Lance Berkman sports a Moberg-like OBP of .400, despite only having one hit in seven at bats. Other than that, the Astros haven’t done much against him in limited chances. Adam Everett (1-11) and Jason Lane (1-10) pretty much bring up rear.

Wednesday
Woody Williams (0-5, 5.49) v. Matt Belisle (3-1, 4.10)

This is the most painful match up of all for me. I really want Woody to turn it around and get a W, but I really don’t want it to be against Matty B. Woody has been good against the Reds, holding everyone but Ken Griffey Jr. (13-31, 5 HR) and Josh Hamilton (2-3) both in the ballpark and low in average. Adam Dunn has hit 4 big flies against him, but only has 9 hits in 40 at bats against Woody total.

Matt has limited exposure to the Astros, with Craig Biggio, Brad Ausmus, and Carlos Lee taking 5 at bats against him each. Believe it or not, those 3 are a rather shocking 0-15 against Belisle. Guys with success against him in their limited ABs: Mark Loretta (2-2), Fat Elvis (2-3), and Luke Scott (1-2). Matt hasn’t given up a homer to the Good Guys, and in fact has only given up one extra base hit to the current Astros, a Lance Berkman double.

I’m rooting for this one to go to the Red bullpen in a 1-1 tie, and David Weathers to give up 2 or 3 grand slams in the late innings to propel the ‘Stros to the win.

Thursday
Matt Albers (1-1, 3.32) v Aaron Harang (4-1, 4.78)

Fat Albers struck back for his first win in the Majors against the Redbirds last week, pitching 7 1/3 of fantastic baseball on short rest before yielding to the pen in Saturday’s 13-0 laugher. The bad news is Albers has been tattooed by the Reds in his short MLB career. Half the starting lineup is hitting over .400 against him in limited exposure, mostly thanks to his inability to get out of the 3rd inning in a stinker against the Reds last week at Minute Maid. Granted 3 of the 6 runs he gave up were unearned, but he still managed to give up 8 hits in 2 1/3 innings. Scott Hatteberg (3-6) has the most success at the plate against him, but a long list of 1 for 2’s follow: Griffey Jr., Alex Gonzalez, Josh Hamilton, and David Ross. Brandon Phillips (1-6) and Edwin Encarnacion (1-4) have the most at bats that sucked against him.
I hate Aaron Harang. He’s like 9 feet tall, throws about 15 miles per hour, and it’s my understanding he stole Christmas back in 1995. He is somehow 4-1 with an ERA near 5, and always seems to have big games against the Astros. He also has royally fucked me the two times he was on my fantacrap baseball team, but that’s neither here nor there. Jason Lane (5-14) has had good success against him with 2 homers in his 5 hits. Luke Scott (4-12, 2 triples!), Adam Everett (8-27), and Mike Lamb (8-28) have all had also hit him well. Bidge has 12 hits off of him, but in 42 at bats. Berkman struggles to hit for average against him (7-32), but 5 of those 7 hits have been homers, and another was a double. Amazingly, Lance’s 6 extra base hits have netted him 6 whole RBIs. Way to set the table, guys. Ensberg (3-18), Burke (2-12_Ausmus 4-23) and Loretta (4-23) have all struggled against him.

Notable giveaways this series…

Not much to report here. Apparently the Reds are cutting their bleacher prices on Monday. And some kind of hair cutting deal Thursday. Frankly, who gives a rat’s ass?

Injury Report

Houston –

Nothing new to report here.
Jason Jennings is still a few weeks away per Garner.
Giminez is still out for the year.
Brandon Backe is still planning on coming back as soon as possible.

Cincinatti –

To the best of my knowledge, Jared Burton and Elizardo Ramirez are residing on the 15-Day DL with a bum hamstring and right shoulder problems respectively. Always a damn shame when El Lizard isn’t pitching. What an awesome name.
Eddie Guardado and Chris Denorfia populate the 60-day DL with injuries to their pitching elbows.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

I managed to prevent Jason Lane from even seeing playing time with my kiss of death/Interesting Things To Look For feature last preview, so we’re just going to stop talking about Astro players all together…

[list]
[li] Roger Clemens completed the circle of assholeness by returning to the New York PoleSmokes. There are few sports teams in this world I hate more than the Yankees, and Rog going to play out that way makes it easy for me to go from vaguely liking him for being an Astro to hating him for being the colossal cock-sucker that he is.
Foghorn said it best…
“Not to go all Denny Green, but Clemens is who we thought he was. Don’t ask Satan to the prom and then get upset when he whips out his fire cock and butt rapes you.

Or something.[/li]

[li] Hopefully, with the Clemens Horse-shit Express Train pulling in to New York, the Astros can start to bear down and play some real baseball, instead of this “Leave 10 guys on base every goddamn game” nonsense they’ve been pulling. [/li]

[li] Along that same line of thinking, I really think the Good Guys are just another hit or two away from breaking out in a big way for more than one game a week. If Lance would just get his big ass in gear, things might just start falling in to place. The pitching has been great so far, and the bats need to stop pissing away all these excellent starts. [/li]

[li] If you listen carefully, you will probably be able to hear the Coach and me cursing whichever team is doing better on Wednesday. That is going to be a painful one. [/li]

[/list]

Discuss today’s game in the GameZone.

Edited to fix link.

Astros @ Co-ards – “I Hold The Future In My Fingertips…”

New Busch

Friday, May 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 5, 12:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, May 6 1:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

Due to the lack of time I’ve had to write this preview, I decided to consult my oldest and dearest friend, The Magic 8 Ball for help in predicting this series. When I asked The 8 Ball if people would like this idea, it said, “Most Likely Not.” This is going to be a long and irritating series preview…

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Woody Williams (0-4, 5.66) v. Adam Wainwright (1-2, 6.14)

Due to an apparent sinus infection, Woody has been moved up to take Sampson’s place tonight, moving Albers to Saturday and Sampson pushed back (tentatively) to Sunday afternoon. Obviously, this led to some quick cutting and pasting, so if you see a sentence in there that doesn’t make sense, blame it on Chris Sampson’s fucked up sinuses.

Wainwright mowed down the Good Guys in his last start, going 7 innings while giving up 5 hits and one run in early April. After dominating the Piroots in his next start, the wheels started coming off. He gave up 4, 7 and 6 earned runs in his next 3, leaving him with a sparkling 6.14 ERA. In 2 home starts at New Busch, Wainwright has given up 10 earned runs in 10.1 innings, earning an even more dazzling 8.71 ERA and an 0-2 record. The Astro hitters have limited at bats against Adam, with Mike Lamb (2-4), Craig Biggio (2-5), and Lance Berkman (2-7) having decent success against him. Notably, Morgan Ensberg is a 0 for 6 and El Kabong is 0 for 3.

Williams has settled down in his last few starts after getting roughed up pretty good at the beginning of the season. Holding the opposition to 3 runs in his last two starts, with 6 and 7 innings pitched respectively, Woody may finally be hitting his stride. On the down side, Woody is 0-2 on the, road sporting a 5.92 ERA. He’ll be looking to bring that number down some against Cards batters that have had mixed results against him. On the good side: Dicknose Pujols (3-5), Preston “My swing is uglier than the schnoz on Owen” Wilson (6-17), Aaron Miles (4-10), and that Asian outfielder is Soooooo Taguchi (2-2). Sucking versus Woody: Anaheim Jimmy Edmonds (4-22), Scott Rolen (2-19), and Gary Bennett (1-10).
So, Magic 8 Ball, will Woody Williams have a good outing tonight?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: “Yes”

Magic 8 Ball, will the Astros get a win for a starting pitcher other than Sampson and Roy this series?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: “My Sources Say No”.

Well fuck. I guess you can’t win ’em all.

Saturday

Fat Albers (0-1, 5.02) v. Kip Wells (1-5, 5.56)

Wells’ story could be called “Wainwright Part Deaux”. After a nice start, including 7 shutout innings against Lance Berkman and his Whiffle-Bat Posse, Wells has self-destructed of late. Apparently, giving up 7 earned runs per game is not a recipe for success, as Kip has proven in his last 2 starts. Kipper is 0-3 with a 6.11 ERA, which I’m sure NEVER would’ve happened at Old Busch. Damn new ballparks and their inability to prevent Kippy from sucking. Astros have seen a ton of Kipster: Mike Lamb (5-16), Fat Elvis (9-29), and the surprising Brad Ausmus (7-24). On the minus side, Craig Biggio (10-37) has ponched 10 times in 47 Abs against him, Jason Lane is 1 for 10, and Luke Scott is a big fat 0 for 3.

Albers got shelled his last start, but the two previous starts were both of the decent variety. Sporting a 3.75 ERA before his Cincy meltdown and a 5.02 ERA after. Funny what 6 earned runs in 2 and one-third inning will do to the ol’ Earned Run Average. If Albers keeps the ball down, he’s pretty nasty. If Albers struggles with location, look out. Matt has never faced the Redbirds, so I’ll just use this space to ask the 8 Ball some more entertaining questions…

Will the Astros win the division this year?
8 Ball Final Decision: Outlook Not So Good

Will the Astros win the wild card this year?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: Absolutely!

There you have it, folks. Nuts to Kevin and his prognosticating! The 8 Ball says we’re the Wild Card! So take it to the bank!

Sunday

Chris Sampson (3-1, 3.55) v. Braden Looper (3-2, 2.84)

So, if you’re at all like me, when you heard Braden Looper was going to start for the Redbirds this year, you laughed until you ruptured a kidney. Well, guess what? We were both wrong. Looper has been the best option on the hill for the Cards this year with Carpenter out. Other than an awful outing against the Brewers earlier this week, Looper has given up 3 or less earned runs a start. His ERA before the Brew Crew game was 1.91. Hopefully the Brewers cracked his fragile ego, and Braden will melt down like Tim Redding with a one run lead. Twinkie and Iceberg are both 4 of 8, Lamb is 3-8, and Saint Biggio is 4-12. On the sucky side, Ausmus (1-11), Mr. Peepers (0-5), and Luuuuuke (0-2).

Sampson sprang back to Sampson-esque form after getting bombed in Philly, dominating the Brew Crew for 6 and a third while only giving up one run. Chris has very limited numbers against the Cards, facing only his Cocksmokeyness, Albert Pujols. Albert is 0 for 1 against Sampson in his career. Aside from the previously mentioned start against the Phightin’ Phils, Chris has given up 2 or less runs in every start.

I asked the Magic 8 Ball if the Astros would win this game. It’s response, “Ask again later”. So instead I asked my useless coworker who works on computers all day to front for his night-gig as a typical Austin musician, Frank. Instead of responding to the question at hand, Frank asked me if I liked the Doors.
I punched him in the face and decided to ask the 8 Ball again.
8 Ball’s Final Decision: Outlook not so good.

Notable giveaways this series…

Saturday is Mini Bat Day, and Sunday they’ll be giving away AT&T Lapel pins. Yee-fuckin-haw.

Injury Report

Houston –

Sixteenth Verse, same as the first! Jennings still out with tendonitis. Backe and Giminez both on the 60 day DL. Lets kick it over to our future-telling friend again.

Will Jennings recover from his tendonitis and pitch again for the Astros?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: No Way!
Ouch.

STL –

Carp is still on the DL with swelling in his right breast… Err, Elbow.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

So, last time I did a preview, I did an El Kabong themed Interesting Things To Look For, and he went into a slide that ended about 2 days ago. So, I’ll go ahead and feature someone that already sucks, as to try and propel them into decentness.

Our Interesting Things To Look For… Jason Lane Edition!

[list]
[li] Jason has 5 extra base hits on the young season, 4 of which are home runs. Normally you’d be excited by that, until you notice that those 5 extra base hits are half of his total hits, and he is batting a salty .217. On the bright side, his slugging is .500! Wow! [/li]

[li] Lane has only one multi-hit game so far this season, and it only took him 8 at bats in the game to do it. Against the Pirates on April 25th, Lane hit 2 singles and drove in a shocking 0 runs. [/li]

[li]Jason has played in a total of 23 games, broken down as such:LF-1, CF 9, RF 10, PH 3.[/li]

[li]Making a list about a player that is sucking hind tit this year sucks. Unless he breaks out beeegtime, I won’t be doing this again…[/li]
[/list]

At this point it would be retarded of me (and Alkie might just kill me) if I don’t recommend you go out and buy The Impossibles Anthology. Not only is the song Eight Ball awesome, this whole CD is full of all kinds of awesome Punkish Rock.

In closing, I decided to ask the 8 Ball just a few more questions:

Will the Astros sweep the series?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: My Sources Say No.

Will the Astros take 2 out of 3?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: Outlook Not So Good.

Will the Good Guys win A game in the series?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: Ask Again Later.

At this point I’ve decided to go buy a real Magic 8 Ball and break it, just for good measure.

The Magic 8 ball says “All Signs Point to Yes” when asked, “Will the readers enjoy the games more if they discuss them in the GameZone?

Edited to fix game times.

After a quick two game cornholing of the Reds bullpen, lets hope the momentum carries over to the Brew Crew.

Miller Park

Friday, April 20, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, April 21, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, April 22, 1:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Matt Albers (1-1, 6.23) in AAA Round Rock( No ML starts this year) v. Ben Sheets (1-2, 5.85)

The much anticipated return of Fat Albers, pitching against Astros nemesis and famed musician Ben “Folds” Sheets. This game is pretty much a dice roll. Albers has been all over the place in AAA, throwing great one start then melting down Carlos Zambrano style against (ironically) the Iowa Cubs. Albers has yet to face any Brewers, so lets all hope for an Astros-against-a-new-pitcher-like performance by the Brew Crew.
Sheets has thrown one beauty and a couple of clunkers. His first start was a complete game 2 hitter. Since then, Ben has given up 12 earned runs in his last 11 innings. Adam Everett (15-41 with 2 dingers), Fat Elvis (18-54 with 4 dingers) and Jason Lane (8-23) all rake against Benny, while Luuuuuuuke (2-13) and MoBerg (2-22) basically stink up the joint against him. I wouldn’t be shocked to see Mike Lamb (9-29) playing at 3rd tonight.
I fully expect him to get back to his Astrokillah ways for this game, so Albers better be ready to throw everything at the Brewers, including Luke Scott’s Ninja Outfit, as well as Ensberg’s Not-Sunglasses (no photo available).

Saturday
Wandy Rodriguez (0-1, 2.77) v. Chris Capuano (2-0, 2.81)

Alkie’s ranting aside, Wandy is off to a great start this year. Avoiding the implosion inning he was famous for last season has really helped him to become a stable and useful tool in the rotation. As long as he can keep the ball down and doesn’t struggle with his control and issue a bunch of untimely free passes, Wandy should continue to have success on the mound this season. Geoff Jenkins (5-13) and Corey Hart (8-13) both mash Wandy, but the rest of the Brew Crew’s numbers are decent at best.
Capuano had a breakout year in 2005, and his 2006 campaign mirrored the success numbers-wise, despite the dropoff in wins from 18 to 11. Chris brings a solid approach to the mound and has been an innings eater the last 2 years, averaging 220 innings and about 35 starts since his full-time job in the starting rotation began in 2005. From 2005 to 2006 he halved his walk-per-start numbers, and is off to a good start in 2007 walking 4 to his 15 ponches. Lance Berkman (9 for 20), Mark Loretta (4-9), Brad Ausmus (2-4 with 8 walks and a homer), Wandy (2-4), and Chris Burke (1-1 with a double) all have had success against Chris, while Biggio and Ensberg are both 2 of 14, and AE is a dismal 2-15. Maybe Loretta will be playing 2nd or short tonight.

Sunday
Roy Oswalt (3-0, 2.89) v. Dave Bush (1-1, 5.82)

Having Roy finishing a 3 game series is just about the best news ever, assuming that Fat Albers and Wandy can assure the Good Guys a win out of the 2 games they’re pitching. The only eye-popping numbers that jump out from the Brewer Roster against The Wizard are Bill Hall’s (17-42). Geoff Jenkins (14-50) sports a decent average, but its not quite as impressive when you notice that of his 36 non-hit at bats, he has ponched 20 freakin’ times!
Dave Bush is a middle to bottom of the rotation kind of guy. He hasn’t been around for very long, but had a decent year last year as an innings eater. Nothing ridiculously impressive or bad about this guy, just decent numbers across the board, but a nice walk/strikeout ratio at 38/166 in 2006. Lance Berkman (6-12) and OP (2-2 with a double) are the only guys with any serious success against Dave, but AE (2-11) and MoBerg (1-6) have not exactly shined in limited exposure.
Expect a fast-moving and tight game here. Roy should win this one, assuming the Good Guys can rally for some runs behind him. If Geoff Jenkins starts, Vegas odds have him going off at 15/1 that he’ll strike out in one of his first two at bats.

Mark’s Official Prediction
Friday – In a closely contested race, Chorizo will pull out the win, much to the delight of the 6 Latino citizens of Mikwakuee.
Saturday – Brat in a runaway.
Sunday – Hot Dog will win in a close race, but will promptly be disqualified when the costume is removed and Sammy Sosa is discovered inside, wrapped in cork.

Notable giveaways this series …

Friday – How cool is this?! Cecil Cooper Bobbleheads!
Saturday – The first 10,000 kids in the door get a set of Brewers Trading Cards.
Sunday – Well, this sounds… Interesting?
“The first 10,000 fans will receive the Brewers 1982 American League Champions Medallion Collection Album. The album will hold 23 spectacular medallions featuring coaches and players from the memorable 1982 team. From April 23rd to May 18th, a new medallion is released each day and available only with the coupon printed inside the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. Fans simply take that day’s medallion coupon to a participating retailer to purchase their medallion.
first 10,000 fans”
Injury Report

Houston –

Only new addition to the Triage Unit is Jason Jennings, who is recovering from tendonitis in his throwing arm.
Brandon Backe still recovering from Tommy John surgery.
Giminez still recovering from labrum surgery.

Milwaukee –

The Brewers are completely injury free, except for Laynce Nix,* who is recovering from the stupid “y” in his first name as well as a strained oblique.

Our Interesting Things To Look For: Carlos Lee Edition!

[list]
[li] El Kabong’s return to Mikwaukee. Sure he spent a year at the Rangers, but honestly, does anyone acknowledge them as anything but another also-ran in the Who Gives A Shit League? [/li]

[li] Carlos averages more than 10 stolen bases a year, with a career total of 97 to only 33 caught stealing. He also has never struck out more than 94 times in a season, and less than 90 a season since 2004. [/li]
[li] Carlos Lee has kids. Yeah, I know, not that interesting. How about this though: He has two daughers, named Cassandra and Karla. And a son… named… Karlos. That is kind of interesting, no? Hey! Wait! Come back! The preview is almost over, I promise! [/li]

[/list]

On a somewhat personal note… I’m glad the Good Guys got out of town without having to face Matt Belisle. I’ve been an Astros fan all of my life, but I’m disgustingly torn when trying to decide what I want to happen when Matty-B is on the hill. Of course, with the way the Redleg Bullpen looks, it seems like a safe bet to hope Matt shuts down the ‘Stros for 7 and then we score 15 on Dave “Stormy” Weathers and his Get Shelled Posse.

And on a less personal note…
You ever wonder if Corey Hart ever hates his parents more than a little bit for not naming him Sam or Bob or Jason?

Discuss today’s game in the  GameZone.

* I couldn’t find any weird picture that showed how much I dislike Laynce Nix, so instead I decided that you’d enjoy a picture of Alex Rodriguez and Laynceyboy looking weird together.

So, now that we’ve gotten a few practice games out of the way, its time to start the season, right? Wait, we started 3 days ago? Son of a bitch.  Well, the Good Guys have some work to do at this point. Getting pecker-slapped by perennial cellar dwellers in the Central is not exactly a good way to start the season. Scoring less than 3 runs a game against the Pirate pitching staff with our new and improved lineup also doesn’t bode particularly well. The only good thing about a slow start is the number of fair weather fans that fall off the bandwagon. The bad news is, the air waves will be even more filled with their cries for a new closer, Roger Clemens, and <insert real CF here> .
The Co-ards aren’t in much better shape. With a similarly dismal start against the goddamn fucking Mets, they also stand at 0-3, hanging out with the Astros at the bottom of the Central. As has been covered repeatedly in the TZ and everywhere the BfiB complain on a regular basis, Chris Carpenter is suffering from some elbow tenderness, and the Co-ard rotation is looking shakier than a late night CoRussa sobriety test.
Anyway, hopefully its time for the Astro bats to come out of their early season slumber and whip some Redbird ass.
Minute Maid Park

Friday, April 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, April 7, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, April 8, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Adam Wainwright (0-0, 0.00) vs Wandy Rodriguez (0-0, 0.00)
Last Season: Wainwright (2-1, 3.12, 5 saves) vs. Rodriguez (9-10, 5.64)

Saturday
Anthony Reyes (0-0, 0.00) vs. Roy Oswalt, (0-0, 1.17)
Last Season: Reyes (5-8, 5.06)

Sunday
Kip Wells, (0-1, 3.00) vs. Jason Jennings, (0-0, 1.50)
 
Notable giveaways this series include Jeff Bagwell figurines and posters on Friday, 2007 wall calendars on Saturday to the first 30,000 fans, and Junction Jack Plush Dolls on Sunday to the first 20,000 youngsters through the gates.
You didn’t hear it from me, but I think that Kip Wells would really appreciate being bombarded by 20k or so plush dolls around the start of the 3rd inning.
Injury Report

Cardinals – No listed injuries yet, but they are in the process of evaluating Carpenter’s elbow soreness. Preliminary reports say its nothing serious, but he is definitely missing his start this weekend..

Houston – Nothing new to report here. Backe and Giminez both on the DL, and Luke Scott spent a few days in a Bacta Tank healing up his dinged up elbow. He should be good to go Friday, according to the  Astro Training staff.
Our Interesting Things To Look For
·   Adam Wainwright, strictly as a reliever, has pretty much owned the Astros. Only Good Guys worth a damn against him are Bidge with a hit and two RBIs in two at bats and Mike Lamb, who is 2-3 against Adam. Moberg is 0-6 with 4 ponches.
·   Astros to watch against Anthony Reyes: Mike Lamb, 2-3 with a double. Bidge 2-4 with a double, a dinger, 2 walks, and 3 RBIs. Morgan Ensberg, 0-6 with 5 Ks.  I would venture to say we might see some Mike Lamb this weekend
·   .The Astros have faced Kip Wells a lot. A combined 256 at bats, with a batting average of .270 against him, but that number should be slightly higher since it includes some appearances by Woody Williams. RoyO is 0-3 against Kipper with 2 Ks, but I don’t know why you’d care about that at all, so just ignore it.
·   Wandy put up decent numbers against the Co-ards last year, holding them under .260 as a team. Jennings has held current Cards to a sparkling .227 average. Thank the BBGs that Mark Mulder isn’t around for the Cards still; he owned Jennings while at the plate, sporting a gaudy .400 average in 10 at bats.
·   Biggio Hit Watch: 2934 down, 66 to go!
Discuss today’s game in theGameZone, but for God’s sake, keep it upbeat. Alkie is on suicide watch already.