2004 – 2006

Welcome to the 2nd “Annual” Academy of OrangeWhoopass Arts and Sciences Awards, or as you know ’em and love ’em: The 2006 “Waldos”.

The few of you who can actually count probably realize that you should be reading the 4th edition of these awards. We could throw around a bunch of excuses (like Waldo taking a stab at writing them but getting discouraged that no one else thought crafting the awards in binary was a good idea) but the bottom line is something that you are all familiar with and aware of: We are a bunch of lazy bastards.

So instead of the best posts, takes and one-liners from only one year, we?re giving you nearly triple the funny as a regular Hall of Fame. Also, if you?re an award winner, you can consider yourself at least a 3-time award winner, which should make you a hit with the ladies while also looking sharp on a resume, or C.V. if you speak Latin.

Before we begin, the admins would like to thank all of the posters and lurkers, especially the 6 of you who aren?t moderators. You six make the board worth coming to at least every 3rd day with your witty observations and entendres. And you do it for none of the perks that the moderators get. But what?s a rub girl worth these days anyway. They?re liable to leave one of your windows open when you go out for breakfast while their dancer friends empty out your apartment. Not that I?m bitter.

So without further ado, here are your 2006 Waldos?

THE MOST INCREDIBLE PREDICTION IN THE HISTORY OF THE TZ
Kevin

The Houston Astros were in a tailspin in 2005 and the Houston Chronicle printed an obituary complete with a tombstone to pronounce the team’s playoff hopes dead. The TZ is dismal and in rushes Kevin with the following on 05/24/05:

“Maybe half an hour ago, after hearing JD say something like this is the worst start ever by an Astros team through this many games, I experienced a strange calm.

Call it a hunch or psychosis, but I am being led to predict that May 24 will represent a turning point for the club, for the better, by some measure.

So I’m just getting this posted as a matter of public record. Thanks for your time.”

Dude was dead spot on, as the Houston Astros not only made the postseason, but went all the way to the World Series. Players were asked about the miraclous turnaround to the season and to a man, they all said they reached rock bottom on 05/24 and from that day forth, they played their best baseball. Jason Stark even accented the prediction by offering up a column on ESPN.com right before the start of the World Series referencing 05/24 as the turning point date for Houston.

Awesome.Read More

2003

When we started this website 9 months ago, we had one goal in mind?to waste your time as well as our own. Thanks to you, the loyal TalkZone denizens, we’ve done just that. The fact that you stuck with us through the heartbreak of losing the legendary Astrosconnection, the “dark ages” before we were up and running, and the early trials and tribulations of getting this puppy off the ground is testament to not only your enthusiasm and loyalty but to your lack of responsibility as well. So with coming of the first All-Star Break in OrangeWhoopAss history, so too arrives the very first annual Academy of OrangeWhoopass Arts and Sciences Awards, or simply, The “Waldos”.

Before we proceed, it’s necessary to say a few words about our legendary mentors, the Batman to our Robin, the Yogi to our BooBoo, the George Washington to our Alexander Hamilton?.Kevin and Scott. Kev and Scott not only filled our brains with guidance and strategy, but they have also graciously allowed the use of many of the TZ features that we have all come to know and love. Their generosity has allowed such classics as Pine Tar Rag and Bleacher Rap to continue to delight and thrill audiences from coast to coast. For that, we are forever grateful. Party on, dudes!

And now, without further adieu, we proudly present the winners of the inaugural Waldo Awards?the envelope please?

WORST PRESEASON PREDICTION
Cam Bonifay

During the regularly scheduled preseason pooping matches and sizing up of the competition, the renowned Pirates fan boldly made this prognostication:

“Well the Pirates will finish above Houston, but the Reds and Cubs above Houston is a stretch.”

BEST OLD MAN SMACK
Andyzipp

After getting all nostalgic, wondering about destination of his lost youth, Jim R pondered, “was I ever 23?” Andy fired back:

“No, you were XXIII”Read More

2002

Well, it is that time of year again. A time to look upon the best and worst of TZ. But this year’s TZ Hall of Fame Spectacular is even more significant! Why, you ask? Because this year’s event WILL BE THE LAST IN THE HISTORY OF TZ!

There have always been reasons to stop doing this, but the main one this time around is that 2002 is going to be the final season for ASTROSCONNECTION.COM. Kev & Scott made a decision back during spring training to make this year the last hurrah, and make the announcement during what we consider the most important days on the ASTROSCONNECTION calendar – the July HOF activities during MLB’s All Star break. So here we are, ready to receive our plaques, bronze busts and custom Harley Davidsons from a grateful and heartbroken nation as we set out on the farewell tour.
Additionally, there has been speculation over the past few days as to whether or not ASTROSCONNECTION had received a “cease and desist” letter from MLB. Indeed, such a letter was received at ASTROSCONNECTION World Headquarters on Friday afternoon. While the Fearless Hosts are certainly aggravated that MLB’s legal initiative undercuts some of the drama of today’s announcement, we have always made it a policy to inform our loyal audience and the TZ community of any developments that potentially impact the function of the website. The possibility of MLB squaring off against the Big Freight Train is something that had been planned for, and we can tell you that for the record, Kev & Scott’s intent remains exactly as it was at the start of the year, to go the distance of the 2002 Astros season, whether that winds up being mid-August, early October, or heaven forbid, late October… and then blow this thing sky high.

Of course, updates on the status of the site will be provided as necessary, but right now consider it business as usual around here until seasons’ end. For complete info on our decision to retire from the Astro web community however, you can check out a special issue of the Pine Tar Rag.

We are sure that you have questions, and we have plenty of answers, but we’ve already wasted enough space in the hallowed halls of the TZ HOF on this. Again, a complete statement on the Fearless Hosts’ decision to shag and their perspective on MLB’s current actions can be viewed in the special Pine Tar Rag issue.

All right… here are the FINAL TZ HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES. As usual, some of this stuff contains bad language, and just about all of it is inappropriate, so proceed at your own risk. At the bottom of the page, we identify the 2002 TalkZone MVP, the last individual who will hoist the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…Read More

2001

Where has the time gone? It seems like we just finished putting last year’s list together. Anyway, welcome to the Kev & Scott TalkZone Hall Of Fame Spectacular for the 2000-2001 program year. This compilation of memorable TZ moments immortalizes favorite posts and standout individual performances in the sole opinions of the fearless hosts themselves. Is every great post, embarrassing meltdown and above-average TZ-dweller represented here? Hell no. Unlike you, Kev & Scott only have so much time to spend reading this crap, and TZOL does not care about your human need for props and recognition. So save your hate-mail and Cliff Floyd references. Know that you are appreciated, and we sincerely thank all of you for your contributions and fierce loyalty to this ridiculous site.

OK, enough of that BS. It is time to roll the ugliness. Some of this stuff contains bad language, and just about all of it is inappropriate, so proceed at your own risk. Like years’ past, at the bottom of the page, we identify the 2001 TalkZone MVP, that rare individual that is allowed to hoist the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…

LEGEND INDUCTION
pravata

Let it be known that pravata becomes the latest TZ-dweller to achieve Legend status. This long overdue recognition of TalkZone’s quickest wit comes in perhaps his finest season, as the drooling mainstream finally began to grasp the complex, experimental nature of his work. Master of the one-liner. Creator of the ‘pravataism’. A Zippian penchant for sarcasm. An understated, biting style that has influenced tens. An accomplished student of the game. A Legend.Read More

2000

Unfortunately, it’s that time again. Time for us to take a look back at a few of the more memorable TZ moments that have amused, irritated and horrified Zone-dwellers over the past year. Some you will remember, some you won’t, but all struck us as unique. Like last year, at the bottom of the list, we identify the 2000 TalkZone MVP, so you might be interested in checking out who’ll be hoisting the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…

THE JOE NIEKRO “UNSUNG HERO” AWARD
Wild Dog

Let it be known that Wild Dog becomes the first winner of the AstrosConnection Joe Niekro Unsung Hero Award. Named after the tremendous, yet often overshadowed ex-Astros pitcher, this prestigious honor is presented to deserving Zone-dwellers for unique service to TZ. Props and thanks to Wild Dog for his tireless efforts towards creating a better-informed TZ through the weekly tradition “Rev. Wild Dog’s Sunday Morning Trivia Service.” Not only does this spectacular, if unofficial public service cleanse TZ of residual vitriole from Saturday, but is considered by hundreds of Zone-dwellers to be a legitimate substitute for church. Hail to Wild Dog – you da maign.Read More

1999

NOTE: you will find that a number of this year’s HOF takes are quite lengthy. Much like the Guinness Book of World Records discourages people from trying to break the record of that a-hole who ate a bicycle in 15 days, Kev & Scott would like to emphasize that the place for extremely long takes should be our Bleacher Rap column. We would just like to say that despite appearances, “size doesn’t matter” when selecting the year’s best takes. Like last year, at the bottom of the list, we identify the 1999 TalkZone MVP, so you might be interested in checking out who’ll be hoisting the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…

THE FOURTH LEGEND

Ray K

Let it be known that Ray K becomes only the fourth individual in AstrosConnection history to receive the title of “TZ Legend”, joining Prince of Heck (1997), Michael N (1997) and Andyzipp (1998) at the highest permanent position a Zone-dweller may achieve. Ray K clinches the honor absolutely and with authority for many reasons – here are a few: Huge number of quality posts, ability to deliver crushing blows to a wide range of opponents, his mind-boggling “Astro League” simulation, the fact that he rarely makes a fool of himself in the TZ, and of course the philanthropy extended to less-skilled Zone-dwellers through the mighty family of ASS software.Read More