2003
When we started this website 9 months ago, we had one goal in mind?to waste your time as well as our own. Thanks to you, the loyal TalkZone denizens, we’ve done just that. The fact that you stuck with us through the heartbreak of losing the legendary Astrosconnection, the “dark ages” before we were up and running, and the early trials and tribulations of getting this puppy off the ground is testament to not only your enthusiasm and loyalty but to your lack of responsibility as well. So with coming of the first All-Star Break in OrangeWhoopAss history, so too arrives the very first annual Academy of OrangeWhoopass Arts and Sciences Awards, or simply, The “Waldos”.
Before we proceed, it’s necessary to say a few words about our legendary mentors, the Batman to our Robin, the Yogi to our BooBoo, the George Washington to our Alexander Hamilton?.Kevin and Scott. Kev and Scott not only filled our brains with guidance and strategy, but they have also graciously allowed the use of many of the TZ features that we have all come to know and love. Their generosity has allowed such classics as Pine Tar Rag and Bleacher Rap to continue to delight and thrill audiences from coast to coast. For that, we are forever grateful. Party on, dudes!
And now, without further adieu, we proudly present the winners of the inaugural Waldo Awards?the envelope please?
WORST PRESEASON PREDICTION
Cam Bonifay
During the regularly scheduled preseason pooping matches and sizing up of the competition, the renowned Pirates fan boldly made this prognostication:
“Well the Pirates will finish above Houston, but the Reds and Cubs above Houston is a stretch.”
BEST OLD MAN SMACK
Andyzipp
After getting all nostalgic, wondering about destination of his lost youth, Jim R pondered, “was I ever 23?” Andy fired back:
“No, you were XXIII”
BEST OLD MAN RETORT
Jim R
While discussing a list of cool old-time nicknames, the following ensued:
Cuban: You forgot Three Finger…hey, wasn’t he your old pitching coach?
Neil T.: Other way around.
Jim R.: yep, and i figured out how to improve Mordecai’s curve–i cut off two fingers, and voila!
BEST PERSPECTIVE OF THE YANKEE NO-HITTER
Limey
In a post simply titled, “Priceless”
“Roy Oswalt, $500,000
Pete Munro, $305,000
Kirk Saarloos, $300,000 (I think)
Brad Lidge, $300,000
Octavio Dotel, $1,600,000
Billy Wagner, $8,000,000
No hitting the $152,000,000 NY Yankees…”
BEST PLAY-BY-PLAY IN THE GAMEZONE
‘stros-rays
While the GameZone can be hit or miss some nights, nothing prepared us for this awe-inspiring performance. Play by play wrapped around the musical stylings of 80’s classics. We didn’t get the first two innings, but starting in the third?
3rd Inning: Blue Oyster Cult
4th Inning: Dead Kennedys
5th Inning: Gang of Four
6th Inning: The Clash
7th Inning: Elvis Costello and The Attractions
8th Inning: Van Halen and David Lee Roth
9th Inning: Ian Dury and The Blockheads
If only the GameZone were like this every night.
BEST SLAM OF A FRONT-RUNNING TROLL
MusicMan
One day when Cam Bonifay was droning on and on about how great the Pirates once were, and how the Astros have not finished better than Pirates “year after year”, MM was there to pop this cap in his ass:
“So finishing behind the Astros for 9 consecutive seasons – that is, *every year* they’ve been in the same division – does not qualify for “year after year”?
How many times do you have to get your ass kicked before you realize you’re not Bruce Lee?”
BEST PERSPECTIVE OF A POSSIBLE ORLANDO MERCED/RICHARD HIDALGO PLATOON
Breedlove
“He (Merced) is probably is a little rickety for a pure platoon, but I’d still try to start him twice a week. After all, Hidalgo’s typically a little gimpy himself, and I’m not even counting the times people have shot him.”
MOST FRIGHTENING VISION OF THE APOLALYPSE
Andyzipp
A terrifying snapshot of what would happen if HD were to partner with Alan Ashby as the radio play-by-play guys for the Houston Astros.
Ashby: It’s a beautiful day for a ballgame as your Houston Astros will be facing the St. Louis Cardinals here at Minute Maid Field. Alongside me as always is my broadcast partner, Clayton Vernon.
Vernon: First of all, schlong gorveler, unless you’re only broadcasting to the white republicans who still listen to AM radio, these aren’t “their” Houston Astros. They are sickening shiny baubles for the Drayton family Christmas celebration.
Ashby: The Cards come in having won 4 of their last 5, with the signing of Chuck Finley really solidifying their staff.
Vernon: I can’t wait for a real baseball team from a real city to come and stomp the shit out of Drayton MKKKlane’s welfare babies. Good luck renting a car in this town, lackeys.
Ashby: And as always the Astros pitchers are going to face a big challenge facing a fine lineup that includes Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen and Astro-killer Jim Edmonds.
Vernon: I can’t wait for HunDickSucker to get his comeuppance, seeing as he has single handedly eliminated all dark skinned players from the team. Pujols alone is better than this sick joke/lie of a team Drayton and Huncocksmoker have perpitrated on the City of Houston.
Ashby: The Astros will counter by sending Roy Oswalt to the hill…
Vernon: another mediocre white talent forced into the big leagues too soon…
Ashby: And Roy-O will be supported by the fine hot bat of Richard Hidalgo, who comes into today’s game hitting .324 with 5 home runs and 20 RBI.
Vernon: Lying whoredog pole-smoker…
Ashby: And we’ll be back to set up all the action after these words from Anheiser-Busch.
BEST BLAST OF WOMEN IN A BASEBALL POST?
pravata
“Women. I dont care if the TV is framed by naked Charlie Dimmock and Nigela Lawson. If I’m watching the Astros dink the AAA crap the Brewers were throwing up in the 13th and 14th on Saturday, I’m expressing anger. For about 3 days.”
MOST BIZARRE TAKE ON THE ASTROS’ BULLPEN SUCCESS
Arif
I don’t even want to know.
“i’m spoiled, watching the bullpen hold leads has become as much a part of my day as doing vaginal exams.”
BEST TAKE ON THE ASTROS’BULLPEN FAILURES
Stain
“I cut my Chen shaving this morning. But the bleeding stopped quicker.”
BEST TAKE ON THE RANDALL SIMON SAUSAGE INCIDENT
‘stros-rays
“Actually, I am not surprised he did this. In Curacao, a running sausage is a bad sign. A very bad sign. Could mean anything, all the way up to the nutmeg trees have the blight.”
BEST TAKE ON DUSTY BAKER
Stain
“What the Cubs need are a bunch of Irish black guys, like the lead singer of Thin Lizzy. They can hold their liquor, AND stay out in the heat.”
BEST ADDITION TO THE SITE GLOSSARY
pravata
Blutarski Line – a statistical average of 0.00 (zero point zero zero)
MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR
stros
“who gives a rat’s arse what gammons thinks?
he looks like a dirty old man who probably watches bosox games in his bra & panties with 8 year old boys dancing around. not exactly a vote of confidence in his “expert” status.
when has it really matter what he thought. everytime i see his name, i want to puke. quit quoting him – just let him embarrass himself with his personal bosox/brave lovefest.
sure, williams-cox-larussa micromanage the game. i think it is fun to watch, but at least the actually pay attention to the game and TRY to win. other “player” managers seem to let the inmates run the asylum (ie: pirates, mets, etc.).
truth is: this team is looking like a championship team (i know we are only 40 games or so in), but champions win 1 run games and champions come from behind (over and over). champions have good bullpens.
who would have thought that we’d be 3 games over with Oswalt at 2-4 and Miller at 1-4?
this should be a great season.
summary: gammons smells funny, astros will be fine.”
UNSUNG HERO AWARD
Various
Lots of this one to dish out for our first time around.
First of all, No? in Austin gets top billing for all of the excellent work on the OWA graphics.
Greg D and Jacksonian are worthy of praise as well, for stepping into the temporary void left by Michael N and providing excellent coverage on the minor leagues.
Our forum moderators and writers HudsonHawk, Andyzipp, and Arky Vaughan work hard to keep the front page ripe with news and the TalkZone devoid of undesirables.
Without the efforts of these people, you’d likely be staring at a blank screen, or at least a really boring site.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Lissi
There’s no denying that this strong contributor from UCLA hasn?t made an impact already. It was only a few posts into a Gamezone report on a night when Noe in Austin was doing play by play that Lissi announced her love for baseball, beer and the two being tops on her list. Noe proposed marriage on the spot, but came to his senses when 1) Lissi admirably turned him down without shattering his emotions and 2) Noe remembered he was already happily married.
Whether it’s sporting the Rainbow Gut behind the dugout at a Jints game or providing comprehensive coverage of the draft in the GameZone, there’s no mistaking that Lissi is no frontrunner. You go girl!
And finally, what you’ve all been waiting for?Post of the Year!
SECOND RUNNER UP
Breedlove
This is Breedlove’s old grandfather typing. Sorry for any mistakes, I’ve never seen a word machine like this.
When I played ball we used to have guys who got lefthanded hitters out. We called them pitchers. We used to have closers, too, only we called them starters. A hold was what you put on a fella after he spiked you.
Now I’ve heard there’s a great invention called the pitch count. I take it this allows you to actually know the number of times a pitcher has thrown the ball. That sounds great. Sure wish they had invented counting when I played.
Anyway, I’m real happy they’ve got pitch counts now. I guess with a number out there for everyone to see there are fewer injuries these days. And since starters know their efficiency is being monitored the counts must be very low. And ERAs must be miniscule since guys get yanked before they can begin to wonder what getting tired feels like. Yes, this must be a golden age for pitching.
Now except for Kevin Brown, today’s futuristic players still don’t piss WD-40 or shit nuts and bolts, because they’re not robots. So I guess they’ve got some kind of pitch limit based on personal stamina, and now managers can consult that chart to make decisions. Heck, they probably don’t even have to use up a trip to the mound anymore. They just tell the kid before he goes out there, “Son, you’ve got four pitches left.” If he’s not out of the inning by then he just calls time and leaves the field himself. Really, the best thing for a young pitcher to focus on is how long he’ll get to stay in the game.
You know, the funny thing is we used to use something similar to pitch counts. We would think about the walks and hits a pitcher gave up, whether he was in a lot of jams, how many innings he’d gone, if he was keeping the other guys from scoring, if he looked tired, and whether we needed a pinch-hit. But pitch counts seem a lot better. Nobody has to think at all, and that’s perfect for today’s game.
FIRST RUNNER-UP
Fredia
…in this now classic…
“I be in Houston.Business actually. Hunting the perfect prom dress for my daughter and maybe buying a shot gun.”
AND THE WALDO GOES TO…
Alkie!
Alkie explains why squibbler ground balls die between third base and the pitcher’s mound costing the Astros extreme heartache, not to mention games. The reason? Sacred burial ground:
“It was 20 years ago tonight……
On that very spot……
A young ex-boxer named Bloody Harry, who had been living at the streetcorner now occupied by the 3rd base side of the infield, buried his prized possession, a marmot named Jed.
Harry loved that marmot.
After Jed died, Harry vowed to find the man that shot and killed his marmot….Mr. Larry Squibbler, CPA/CMA/MTax.
One night, a week later, at the very same spot, Harry was overcome with rage, overcome with anger, and overcome with Southern Comfort. He died on the very spot where he had buried his marmot, where the 3d base side of the infield now lies.
Now you kids wouldn’t know it, but the tale goes that before Harry died in a drunken stupor, he put a curse on that street corner that Larry or anyone in his family, any Squibbler, would die a slow, painful, disasterous death if they should ever pass by Jed’s old grave, where the 3rd base side of the infield now lay.
But I don’t really believe that story. I’m pretty sure Jed was a vole.”
ORANGEWHOOPASS LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
Last, but certainly not least, we’ve started a new tradition here at OWA. Each year, we will bestow upon an individual who has gone above and beyond the call of duty in making this place what it is, the OrangeWhoopass Lifetime Achievement Award. Someone who not only sacrifices his own time, but that of his boss, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or parole officer. In this inaugural season, there is but one clear choice. A man who’s dedicated himself to the creation and perpetuation of this hallowed ground?.the man after whom these here awards are named?our very own, Waldo. It’s been said that running a website like this is a labor of love, and if you don’t love to labor on your love, then maybe you oughta find something else to occupy your time. Fortunately for us, his love for this site is rivaled only by his love for the Astros?and maybe his old lady. Without his tireless work and dedication none of this would be possible, and we thank you. So here’s to you my good man?let us know when you turn 21?we’ll buy you a beer.