2002
Well, it is that time of year again. A time to look upon the best and worst of TZ. But this year’s TZ Hall of Fame Spectacular is even more significant! Why, you ask? Because this year’s event WILL BE THE LAST IN THE HISTORY OF TZ!
There have always been reasons to stop doing this, but the main one this time around is that 2002 is going to be the final season for ASTROSCONNECTION.COM. Kev & Scott made a decision back during spring training to make this year the last hurrah, and make the announcement during what we consider the most important days on the ASTROSCONNECTION calendar – the July HOF activities during MLB’s All Star break. So here we are, ready to receive our plaques, bronze busts and custom Harley Davidsons from a grateful and heartbroken nation as we set out on the farewell tour.
Additionally, there has been speculation over the past few days as to whether or not ASTROSCONNECTION had received a “cease and desist” letter from MLB. Indeed, such a letter was received at ASTROSCONNECTION World Headquarters on Friday afternoon. While the Fearless Hosts are certainly aggravated that MLB’s legal initiative undercuts some of the drama of today’s announcement, we have always made it a policy to inform our loyal audience and the TZ community of any developments that potentially impact the function of the website. The possibility of MLB squaring off against the Big Freight Train is something that had been planned for, and we can tell you that for the record, Kev & Scott’s intent remains exactly as it was at the start of the year, to go the distance of the 2002 Astros season, whether that winds up being mid-August, early October, or heaven forbid, late October… and then blow this thing sky high.
Of course, updates on the status of the site will be provided as necessary, but right now consider it business as usual around here until seasons’ end. For complete info on our decision to retire from the Astro web community however, you can check out a special issue of the Pine Tar Rag.
We are sure that you have questions, and we have plenty of answers, but we’ve already wasted enough space in the hallowed halls of the TZ HOF on this. Again, a complete statement on the Fearless Hosts’ decision to shag and their perspective on MLB’s current actions can be viewed in the special Pine Tar Rag issue.
All right… here are the FINAL TZ HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES. As usual, some of this stuff contains bad language, and just about all of it is inappropriate, so proceed at your own risk. At the bottom of the page, we identify the 2002 TalkZone MVP, the last individual who will hoist the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…
LEGEND INDUCTION
Various
We’d like to start this section off with recognition of a couple folks that wind up just short of Legend status as we pen the final HOF Spectacular… Foghorn and HudsonHawk. By our estimation, they would’ve arrived in the promised land within two seasons. Give us a thousand like these two and you’ve got the best board on the planet. OK, here we go…
Limey
Limey clinches his position among TZ’s immortals with another spectacular year that shattered the myth of the Golden Scott curse – the dark phenomenon that has caused former TZ MVPs to drift into obscurity, professional responsibility or simple yardwork. What does it say about this country that a freaking Brit can reach such heights in a forum that claims to be more or less dedicated to that uniquely American (and well, Japanese) institution that is baseball?
In 2002, his unorthodox perspectives resulted in the creation of “Limey Time”, and he became TZ’s unofficial World Cup correspondent this summer. While the Astros were listing right off the NL radar screen, a whole new generation of Zone-dwellers were learning about corner kicks and headers. A credit to the european continent. We couldn’t do without him.
Noe in Austin
Probably the most well-respected, thought-provoking and informed message board inhabitant in the business. Noe’s contributions have been relevant and appreciated since the moment he hit the old TZ back in ’98. Known primarily as a voice of reason, he nevertheless can sling shit with the best of them.
His ability to take difficult baseball-related or social topics and generate smart, coherent takes differentiates him from the average TZ-dweller, even if these takes wind up being painfully long-winded. His inaugural series preview is still the longest on record. Regardless, we consider him one of the greatest talents on any message board anywhere and a great asset to this site.
Hetero Doxy
The Fearless Hosts also wish to take this opportunity to remember the contributions of longtime TZ-dweller Hetero Doxy by bestowing honorary “Legend” status. We understand that this is a controversial move, but hang on.. there is a legitimate case. We’ll take a moment to explain.
During his tumultuous stint in TZ, HD’s abrasive style, litany of insults, and wacko leftist agenda served to alienate and offend thousands, but his unpleasant presence also served to maintain a key sense of balance on the board. We always liked to think of HD as TZ’s ‘great red spot’, an “El Nino” in the TZ atmosphere if you will. (Editor’s aside: Can’t think about El Nino without recalling Chris Farley’s classic El Nino bit on SNL… “I AM THE GREAT EL NEEENYO! IN SPANISH THAT MEANS… THE NEEENYO!”)
Anyway, it may surprise many of you to know that HD was one of ASTROSCONNECTION’s most loyal supporters and a stalwart defender of the site until the bitter end last fall. The final days of the Hetero Doxy experience bring to mind a memorable quote from the underrated television series Spenser: For Hire…
“What fueled Hawk through life was a smoldering, controlled rage. When it erupted, as it surely would… it would come as a frightening force.”
Okay, maybe ‘smoldering’ and ‘controlled’ is a little generous, but we were determined to get a Spenser reference on the site eventually, so let us have our fun.
In late 2001, as the Enron Corporation as we knew it was set to crumble, HD’s posts suddenly reached what was described by the night crew as “caustic levels.” Staff had been monitoring this in GAMEZONE, his favorite playpen, for several weeks, but it had now spilled over into the mainstream of the big board. TZOL delivered the usual shots across the bow, but the bottom line was that after nearly five years of successful cohabitation despite equal and opposite sociopolitical philosophies, the dark one finally dropped the hammer. Within days, the rest of the world would know the wrath of the most hate-filled liberal in east Texas.
Lots of things were important to HD. Things like Marxism, Julio Lugo, and homophobia. The most important was probably anonymity. Ironically, this well-preserved cover was blown wide open in the New York Times and Washington Post of all places during the Enron collapse. Their descriptions of an unmistakable blend of vitriole, then directed at Enron CEO Ken Lay, was instantly recognizable to TZ veterans. No doubt here that our f-bomb spouting whistleblower had a hand in bringing the energy giant to its knees. His saga would be chronicled by other media in the weeks ahead.
Officially canned for ‘postings that the company deemed offensive’, HD now participates in a class-action lawsuit while roaming the net as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem that requires a political progressive, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire… HETERO DOXY.
His impact on TZ was profound and is still felt to this day. Surely experienced Zone-dwellers get a warm, fuzzy feeling all over whenever they hear terms like ‘anklegrabber’, ‘polesmoke’, and of course, ‘bushneck lackey’ and its widely accepted derivative… ‘neck’.
A grudging move by the organization to be sure, but ultimately appropriate as his presence lingers still. To quote Sybok from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier…
“This is who (we) are. Or didn’t you know that?”
Adios ‘Jay’. Here’s to happier days.
SOME FAVORITE TZ EXCERPTS
Various
Wild Dog:
“‘Angel Hernandez’ and ‘good umpire’ should never appear together in a sentence that does not also include ‘is not’.”
Waldo:
“We, the fans, are just pawns in this game of checkers.”
Hetero Doxy:
“it’s always amazing to me when any of these bush primates pretends to have an intellectual scoreboard over anyone from civilization.”
geezerdonk:
“The EFUS roof is quicker to its left than Biggio.”
Talkzone Overlord:
“I will eat your fucking spleen.”
pravata:
“No doubt Mr. Mclane has a far more sinister use for all this hoarded roux.”
Lug:
“Just as Twisted Sister admonished us to ‘Stay away from Captain Howdy’, may I humbly suggest you stay away from Sheriff Blaylock.”
Andyzipp:
“Look at my watch…You’re getting very sleepy…your eyelids are getting very heavy… Everyone loves Sheriff Blaylock… Everyone.”
Jim R:
“irrelevant.”
Fazio2B:
“Swallows in Capistrano and Monarch Butterflies in Mexico are dwarfed by the wonders of ‘WFW’.”
pravata:
“I guess most of you prefer listening to the wind whistling through the veldt of your own idiocy.”
Fredia:
“What was once fixable by a band aid now needs a full blown tounrinquett”
Breedlove:
“There is absolute proof in this thread I don’t bogart the Nyquil.”
Alkie:
“This Benadryl kicks ass.”
Tony Roma:
“Empty buzzphrases like ‘zero tolerance’ are nothing but nice big boats upon which to sail down Egyptian rivers”
MusicMan:
“Alex from Strohs is to analytical thinking as Dante Bichette is to soap.”
Breedlove:
“Hostess twinkees are ding dongs’ bitch”
Jim R:
“i disagree completely.”
AstroMan Tex:
“Ain’t nothin’ funnier than watching the stinkin’ Stem begin to squawk feces before the season has even started.”
Andyzipp:
“Just because your lips move when you type doesn’t make it talking.”
Waldo:
“I take pride in the rotundity of my head.”
Michael N:
“There’s lotsa hot chicks from the 80s I’d rather see than a bunch of extremely flammable, chord-crunching, sock-enhanced LA faggots.”
A-Train:
“Screw vegetarianism! I’m going to die with a cheeseburger in my hand, a smile on my face, and my coronary artery 90% clogged, baybeee!”
Stain:
“Izz you Izz, or Izz you ain’t my closer?”
todd the bod:
“Randy Johnson brings in AIS. Barry Bonds brings in AIS. Sosa. When Tony Eusebio was on his hitting streak, that brought AIS.”
Limey:
“…trying to get inside Jimy’s head ain’t the easiest thing to do despite all the space in there.”
Trey:
“you didn’t buy this post at the Shed, did you?”
SOME OTHER FAVORITES
Various
Navin R Johnson suggesting that Carl Everett and John Rocker should drive from city to city in a ’77 Dodge van, solving crimes.
Limey on Wendy’s hamburgers: “Pig swill squished between two pieces of bread.”
Fredia: “I am on dish.”
HudsonHawk: “Is that what the kids are calling crack cocaine these days?”
AstroMan Tex and his countless ‘High Heat 2001’ references.
Stain after Injuns hurler Chuck Finley got his ass kicked by his wife: “Where’s Bobby Cox when you need him?”
HudsonHawk’s reaction to Channel 51 not getting their application in on time to be included in the local DirecTV package: “Great…now I have to continue with the freaking rabbit ears or watch Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio morphed with Bill Baeza and Linda Lorelle.”
Hetero Doxy’s reaction to Channel 51 not getting their application in on time to be included in the local DirecTV package: “necktown ladies sing dat song, doo-dah, doo-dah”
Michael N on Callista Flockhart: “McPipe needs to eat a few steaks. Regularly.”
Limey on Rudy Rudiger: “All that football practice stunted his growth, and turned him into a halfling.”
Jim R on Roger Clemens: “screw him”
Curly cracking himself up simply by posting in a thread started by Neil T. “Ha..Curly Neill….knyak knyak!”
Foghorn making the very rare and difficult Barry Bonds-Joe Don Baker comparison.
Jim R starting two threads in the same day.
BEST HOT STOVE SCOOP
Breedlove
When HD rang in the new year with a “reynolds for batista” trade proposal, MusicMan suggested that Shane was probably worth more than a single dead Cuban dictator. Breedlove, however had the inside track…
“Astros Trade Reynolds for Batista
The Houston Astros greeted the new year with a startling move late Tuesday, trading longtime starter Shane Reynolds for Cuban dictator Fulgencio Batista.
Reynolds, whose ERA has risen since the Astros moved to hitter-friendly Enron Field, was surprised by the move.
‘I felt like I struggled some, but I strung together some good months the last couple seasons,’ Reynolds said.
‘I figured they’d want me to offer some guidance to the young pitchers on the team. I was real happy in Houston and I think I gave that franchise a lot of good pitching, but this just goes to show you baseball is a business.’
‘We hoped that in addition to cutting some payroll we’d be able to get younger, but the players just weren’t available,’ said Astros GM Gerry Hunsicker. ‘It may take some time for the fans to see the value here.’
Batista, who died more than fifteen years after being ousted as dictator of Cuba in 1959, was unavailable for comment.
‘The years of experience and leadership Batista offers will be invaluable to this pitching staff,’ Hunsicker said, ‘and we think a deceased lefty like Fulgencio will create match-up problems for other managers.’
Batista’s pricetag was also attractive to the Astros, who will pay $230.98 a season in maintenance fees to Batista’s cemetery.”
Later that afternoon…
“Reynolds for Batista Trade Dead
The Houston Astros’ acquisition of Fulgencio Batista for starter Shane Reynolds ran into problems Wednesday morning that killed the deal.
Hurdle one was a grievance from the Major League Baseball Players Union. In a 10 AM release, an unnamed Union official stated that Batista’s salary demands were out of line and that he had to accept more money.
The Astros were prepared to remedy that with the league minimum’s worth of fresh flowers at Batista’s grave before the second objection became clear. Examination of birth records revealed that the Cuban Batista was born in 1897 not 1902 as had been previously reported. Astros team officials were shocked.
‘We feel we were misled,’ GM Gerry Hunsicker said. ‘Baseball performance is limited by age in many respects, and for Fulgencio to be dead at 105 years old instead of 100 is unacceptable.’
In Houston on a book-signing junket and on hand for the Astros’ press release, ESPN columnist Rob Neyer added, ‘There is no question five years is make-or-break. The expectations for a 100 year old versus a 105 year old are radically different no matter when he was planted.’
Hunsicker was still considering his options early Wednesday, including possible compensatory draft picks for the age violation. The fear remained that Batista’s health would be an issue, but after a routine physical from the Astros medical staff Batista was cleared to play.
At 11 AM, a weary Hunsicker admitted the deal just wasn’t going to happen. ‘It looked attractive from our end, but Batista’s heirs were unwilling to meet Shane’s complicated salary requirements, which include a daily supply of the fresh mudfish and radiator-baked roadkill on which he was raised.’
At noon, Astros owner Drayton McLane announced that he was very pleased with the deal. ‘Fulgencio is going to be a great addition for us. He’s an exciting player. The Astros will continue to reach out to our friends in the Hispanic community.'”
FINEST DISS OF A LOUISIANA TOWN
pravata
When Julio Gotay received a job offer in Shreveport and asked if anyone lived there and what the Astros coverage was like, pravata weighed in…
“No one ‘lives’ in Shreveport. In fact, if I had one week left to live, I’d move to Shreveport because it would seem like a freakin eternity.”
BEST MUSICAL SCORE
hebreezedhim
Not long after Shane Reynolds got torched by the Padres in a game last July, where five of the run scoring hits came on 2-strike counts, hebreezedhim got the blues…
I got the Two-Strike Blues
I got the Two-Strike Blues
Oh Lord I got to lose ’em
Gotta lose those Two-Strike Blues
Ya get up in the morning
And ya know you’re gonna start
You’re a freakin’ major league pitcher
And you damn sure know your art
No trouble with the strike zone, no problems with the ump
Ya zip the first two in there, hitter looks just like a chump
So instead of workin’ the corners, making ’em chase a pitch or two
Ya float it right down the middle to see what they can do
Five or six runs later, you’re out there gettin’ the hook
You tell the skipper you did your best, something must be wrong with the book
‘Specially the one on the pitcher, who shouldn’t be worth a shit
But you work for the ‘Stros and God only knows
You gotta give him a hit
Now I know that it’s exacting
And I know that it’s a bitch
To get a million dollars
Because you allegedly pitch
Though I’m a simple layman
There’s one thing I know to be true
NEVER give ’em a pitch to hit when THE COUNT IS OH AND TWO!
I got the Two-Strike Blues
I got the Two-Strike Blues
Oh Lord I got to lose ’em
Gotta lose those Two-Strike Blues
BEST INSIGHT INTO THE MILOISM
Andyzipp
This valuable mini-guide to the ramblings of the Captain was posted after Fredia was asking about nicknames for the ’02 rookie crop…
“As far as Milo and nicknames go, you take their last name (Bagwell), truncate it (Bag) and add the long “e” sound to it. (Baggy.)
This includes Cammy, Doggie, Ossie, Vizzy, Baggy, Hampy, Doty, Ensy, Lugie, Berky, Aussie.
The varation that you see most often from this policy is take the player’s last name (Truby) and just Truncate it or truncate it and make it plural (Bidge or Trubs).
A even more rare variation is using the first name (Shane)and adding the “r” to the end of it. (Shaner, or sometimes, THE Shaner.)
If you ever hear Milo say anything else, he stole it from somewhere or someone.”
BEST GENERAL MILO COMMENTARY
Capntime
During a spring training game against the Dodgers, when Internet listeners could select between the Houston or LA broadcast…
“I’m sitting here, listening to the dojer broadcast, and it suddenly hits me: this is really nice. No irritation, no frustration, no smacking my forehead; just nice, happy baseball.”
MOST APPROPRIATE NAMING-RIGHTS SCENARIO
JB
Shortly after the Astros bought back the naming rights to their yard from Enron, JB caught wind of more news…
“Astros To Play at Beelzebub Ballpark
HOUSTON — In the second press conference in one day, Drayton McLane announced Wednesday afternoon that the Houston Astros had resold naming rights to Astros Field just hours after buying back those same rights from financially and morally bankrupt Enron Corporation. The new owner of the stadium naming rights is none other than the Lord of the Underworld himself, Beelzebub. A grinning McLane described the deal, reportedly worth $100 billion over the remainder of McLane’s life, as ‘clearly in the best interests of the Astros, their fans, and the City of Houston.’ He added, ‘Given my desperate financial situation, it was either Satan or Mattress Mac, and this seemed the lesser of the two evils.’ As a result of the deal, McLane replaces Bill Gates as the richest man on earth and, it is believed, as heir apparent to the Throne at the Right Hand of Lucifer.
In a statement read by underworld spokesdemon Hasmodeus, Arch Cacodemon of Injustice, Satan was quoted as saying, ‘For a mere pittance, I have acquired not only the soul of a Texas Baptist Grocer, but naming rights to the site of tortures and unholy atrocities unknown outside the deepest bowels of Hades.’
‘This unquestionably eclipses all prior dealings between the Dark Underworld and MLB, including the selling of Babe Ruth and the move of Nolan Ryan to the Texas Rangers,’ the Hellish statement continued.
Asked by reporters why he had not included a World Series or two in the price of his soul, a perplexed looking McLane responded that it had never really occurred to him.”
GREATEST TYPO
MusicMan
Something of an upset here. In a year that saw harried or fat-fingered Zone-dwellers produce such masterworks as “gorvel”, “pithing”, and “ot the cnadles”, MusicMan pulled double duty on this otherwise average assessment…
“He may not be the greatest of clumbhouser leaders, but he’s still a hell of a ballplayer.”
We’ve recreated this incident in a test environment several times, at varying speeds, and still can’t manage to duplicate the mangled ‘u-m-b’ combination. Nicely done.
WORST HAIKU
Limey
Prior to the start of a 4-game set against the Cubs to determine control of the NL Central last July…
“Cubbies come to town
Orange Whoopass awaits them
Buh-bye Central lead”
MOST HEARTWARMING BRUSH WITH GREATNESS
David in Jackson
Back in March during spring training, the day after Il Brutto announced his retirement, TZ was rehashing favorite Bichette moments…
“Friday night, I’m in Vero Beach to see the Dodgers and Expos. About 5 minutes before the national anthem, I’m in the bathroom down the first baseline next to the clubhouses. I’m standing at the urinal, and Bichette, in his uniform, comes in and stands next to me to relieve himself.”
BEST INSIGHT INTO THE COLORADO FRONT OFFICE
pravata
This spring, when Jason said he hadn’t realized that Chris Holt and Tim Bogar were among the growing number of Astro castoffs in Rockies camp, pravata explained where scrubs come from…
“At midnight, on the night of a full moon, when the fog rolls in thick on the pumpkin patch, Dan O’Dowd finds the biggest pumpkin and rolls it over, before the scrub can scamper away he snatches it by the hind legs, whacks its’ bottom and stuffs it in his payroll reducer sack.”
BEST SUBJECT LINE
‘stros-‘rays
From GZ toward the end of spring training…
“Hearing Ashby talk about slapping around teenage girls reminds me of that time Pat Boone put on leather and released a heavy metal LP”
BEST “FREDIAN” SUBJECT LINE
Fredia
“Where is Miss Cleo when you need here, there has been more prediction on this site lately than at a physics convetnion. (nm).”
BEST “NM” RESPONSE
HudsonHawk
The context of this should be familiar enough as to require no set-up..
.
“But Lopez is blind with no sense of smell or direction. It’s physically impossible for him to find the proverbial acorn (nm)”
MOST CREATIVE REACTION TO THE STATUS QUO
buckner1986
Shortly after the Astros went three and out to the overmatched Braves in the ’01 playoffs…
“Atlanta to petition MLB regarding Houston
(ATLANTA) – An angered Braves GM John Schuerholz today petitioned MLB to disqualify Houston from any future postseason appearances, because the perennial first-round participant Astros cause the Braves problems in the second round by failing to provide adequate competition in the first round.
Schuerholz explained the difficulties: ‘It’s not just the extra off-days, it’s the lack of intensity in these games. This will put us at a severe disadvantage going into the NLCS.’
Manager Bobby Cox agreed: ‘Take the fellas over in the other series. Arizona, St. Louis. Now those guys show up. They’re playing real ball. They’re getting battle-worn, and we’re certainly going to be rusty and unprepared for either one, after waltzing through these cream-puffs again.’
In response to a Houston reporter’s question about solutions, GM Schuerholz conceded that it would be unfair to disallow the Astros from winning their division each year, so he suggested a compromise: ‘It’s not like we’re saying that the division banner should go to the 2nd or 3rd place team in the event of a Houston 1st-place finish.
That’s fine, let them have their flag. But, come on, don’t let them mess up our World Series run in the process; this isn’t the special olympics.’
‘We’d be much better of playing intra-squad games, or calling up the triple-A guys for a week,’ said Cox.
Braves Strength & Conditioning Coach Frank Fultz was unable to provide a clearly embarassed Houston beat reporter with an answer to the question whether or not Gonad transplants have ever been successful in humans, raising suspicions as to Drayton McLane’s off-season health plan for his team.
Noted enthusiast Bob Costas cited the Houston squad as ‘Yet another reason why the wild-card is an abomination. We wouldn’t even have to bother with them if the divisions were still intact’. As to the Braves’ petition, Costas offered a counter-proposal: ‘look, once you’ve gone down the slippery-slope of allowing a 3-division-plus-wildcard setup, there’s nothing you can do about second-tier jagoffs like Houston. So, I’d propose an invitational tournament like the NCAA, the Astros could be the baseball equivalent of an N.I.T. tournament winner, ignored by the national scene, but enough of a boon for the struggling mid-market teams to keep the local yokels happy’.
Braves pitching coach Leo Mazzone illustrated his utter lack of focus on Houston as a legitimate threat by mumbling ‘Yeah, definitely. Counting cards counting cards. Two minutes to Wapner. Quantas never chrashed.’
Larry Dierker wasn’t available for comment, but was seen elbowing Alan Ashby and grabbing his equipment.”
MOST DISTURBING REVELATION
Sheriff Blaylock
During GZ in April, the ballclub’s official gourmet chose to make an appearance at a point in the discussion when the origin of the nickname “Cathead the Asshole” was chalked up to Larry Walker’s infamous ‘Astrodome smells like cat piss’ blast…
“Don’t knock cat piss. The nacho sauce hasn’t been nearly as bright since we left the dome.”
EEEYAA!
FINEST BIOGRAPHICAL WORK
Andyzipp
The following epic also requires no set-up…
“Born to swamp ridden poverty, Scott Calbert was able to rise above his environment, and for a brief moment inspire a nation. But that was followed by a tumultuous period marred by alcohol abuse, depression and black market antacids. Coming up next we’ll look at the rise, fall and relative obscurity of Scott Calbert… on ‘Behind the Gluttony’…
Scott Calbert was born in what most would call a hard, rural part of Lousiana.
‘We barely had enough to make ends meet. My older brother, Kevin, was always the first to get fed, and somedays there just wasn’t enough food to go around.’
At a pivotal moment in the second grade while tramping around in the local swamp, young Scott made a discovery that would shape his future for years to come.
Scott was hungry. Older brother Kevin Calbert had eaten the last of the ‘gator N biscuits’ his mother was famous two swamps over for. All that young Scott was left with was a coffee can full of used bacon grease, a stick and some Chouola Hot Sauce.
‘Generic brand Molasses, at that. We didn’t want Scott gettin too bad for his britches.’
Scott, lousy with the creativity that would become his trademark later in life began the first of many culinary experiments.
Scott captured one stray nutria that lived in his back yard and threw it in the bacon grease that he had heated on a back yard fire. After covering the ‘swamp rat’ in hot sauce, Scott Calbert knew he’d never go hungry again.
In high school, while many of his friends were gaining recognition for knowing the alphabet or being good with knives, an older, but more reckless Scott was known as ‘the kid at the other end of the cafeteria who would eat anything.’
‘We were always proud that Scott stayed out of prison. We were in a tough neighborhood, but you’d never know it watching Scott eat. Nutria, Gator, Taco Bell, Jack In The Box. It didn’t matter, Scott was a machine. He’d sop it all up with a biscuit and swaller it down.’
In one of the episodes that demonstrated how wild he was, Scott took on a trash-talking, trash-eating goat from neighboring Slidell.
‘There were a lot of people in the press and even in my family who were saying that there weren’t no way I’d be beating that goat.’
Not only did Scott win eat more than the goat, to seal the victory, he ate the goat.
‘Scott was always on to go above and beyond to win a match. He’s always been very competitive.’
It was that competitiveness that was ultimately his downfall.
From that point on, Scott’s career was one fairy-book championship after another. Most Pizzas eaten, 1987. Most Valuable Customer, 1980’s at the Baton Rouge Waffle House. Scariest Mo-Fo We’ve Seen Yet at Happy Family Chinese Buffet in 1993.
With a consistency, and gorging capability unseen before his time, Scott touched a nation when he surpassed a 70 year old record held by Babe Ruth in 1998. Eating that record sandwich was the pinnacle of his career.
‘I was very proud. So proud, I didn’t know it was the beginning of the end.’
Less than one year later, Scott retired from his profession. In a bewildering, brief press conference, Scott Calbert mysteriously stepped down to private life, citing the need to retire at the top of his game.
Rumors circulated that his most valued asset, his cast-iron stomach had given out. Combined with persistent whispers of poor choices in antacids, a string of questionable financial decisions and a reported conflict of interests with the Carl’s Jr franchise that he was a minority owner in, Scott’s star was tarnished.
Today, Scott has passed through the bad times, seeking a private life far less glamorous than the jet-setting, heavy cream, real butter lifestyle that had been the 90’s for him.
‘I learned that sometimes salad is a good alternative to rack of lamb. I learned about Equal. I learned to be a man.’
And although he still can shut down any sort of all-you-can-eat establishment at will, he has also learned that he doesn’t have to.”
BEST WEATHER REPORT
Noe in Austin
As the Astros prepared to drag into St. Louis for three…
“Showers, lots of them. No, I’m not talking about Missourian’s deciding to bathe today, but that the weather outside may turn frightful today on into the night. Bad break? Not if you’ve got a tired bullpen and a pitcher whose last outing was a 125+ six inning affair it isn’t.
You’d almost want to go out to the privacy of your own back yard iffin’ you?re the manager of said team and do a nekkid rain dance. Add in some dead veggies sacrificed to Jobu (use something in the gord family, he likes that) and you’ll assure yourself of thunder and lightning.”
MOST HARSH GENERALIZATION OF REDS FANS
Stain
Just before the first set against the Reds in April, Red Blooded American asked when the smack-running Reds fans would start posting. Stain’s response:
“Right after the Paxil kicks in. A couple will probably come running through with their pants down anytime now. If the Dickities happen to win a game, then it will start to look like the monkey cage at the zoo on Shit-Throwing Day. Only the monkeys are wearing red caps and stupid-looking vests.”
LEAST IMPRESSIVE SLUMP-BUSTING RITUAL
Foghorn
From this past May when the Astros had followed up a 7-game win streak by dropping six in a row…
“Thats it. I’m gonna take one for the team. Today for lunch I will sacrifice a chicken (OK, 20 chicken wings at BW3) and throw the bones over my left shoulder while singing “Here Come the Astros” over and over again. I will follow that up with a spider. Thats right–I’m gonna eat me a spider. Any of you johnny-come-lately’s want to join me? Not one of those bigs ones mind you, I’m not that crazy, but one of those itsy bitsy ones that likes to crawl up water spouts.”
GREATEST PERSPECTIVE ON OPS
HudsonHawk
There are several topics guaranteed to generate long discussion threads. Normally these have nothing to do with baseball (beer, Alyssa Milano, 80s hair bands), but thankfully a couple of them do (Todd the Bod trade suggestions, Shaune Bagwell and OPS). Much has been written about OPS. Indeed it is one of the most hated and exhausted topics in the history of this great board. But not until HudsonHawk rambled off the following simplistic drivel just last month did someone finally capture the essence of this most controversial of statistics and define its place in the baseball universe…
“I carry 13 clubs in my golf bag. Now, if I could only carry one, it would be a 7 iron. But why would I do that? I also have the 4 iron, the driver, the putter, etc. I can use anyone of them at any time, and I can use different ones on different shots on the same hole. Now here’s the whacked part…OPS is like a 7 iron. It’s useful for some things, and if I could only get one offensive stat, that would be the one. But too many people only use that one, and they try to force it into every situation whether it’s the best “club” for the job or not. Sometimes, I might choose the 5 iron and then the sand wedge on consecutive shots (actually, I use that combination often), I might not even bring the 7 iron out of the bag. So while the 7 iron (OPS) is a good club to have around, you’re really putting a crimp in your game by limiting yourself to only its use.”
TAKE OF THE YEAR
Paul G
Paul G’s triumphant return to TZ last October after apparently becoming burned out on fantasy football was not only memorable, but his public resolution to reacquire the mantle of TZ greatness conjured up memories of the golden age of the board… back when Dave Clark sucked, Chris Holt was just a hard-luck pitcher, and Lima Time was set to rule the world… back when you could get called a ‘neck even if you were from the north, and waste hours playing YACKBALL… those were the days indeed…
“Ah yes, the glory years, when I could hit 90 on the gun. When I could take a hanging slurve and deposit it against the school wall (before they built the new ‘stadium’ at the school of course), when I could deliver the high hard one with deadly accuracy and intent, ah yes… when Houston was even better than in 1994, when things were nice and the Astros were winning, when I stumbled across this site because I was addicted (even more so than Alkie) to John and Lance’s radio show every morning, and that addiction soon became an affliction for I had to log on every chance I could to see what HD was going to say to piss me off again or if I could get an “advanced look at the Astros Minor League System” by someone who (for all I knew) was playing Bob Uecker in Major Leagues and making up shit, when my ‘homepage’ was astrosconnection.com, when I had a Latina wife and danced nekkid around the house, when I would get torn between the ‘ballplayer’ inside and the fantasy geek I had become, when trochanters and inserion points and bone articulations and rotator cuffs and labrums were important and this site was even more important, when I read Andy’s Epic Journey (or whatever the hell he called it), when I could not wait for Jim to blast away at some ‘pencil necked Adam Wexler looking wanna be an athlete but ended up spilling all my freakin’ water when you brought it out to me idiot’ who could not even hold a bat, much less swing it… when my name shone in bright lights in the 1998-1999 TZ Hall of Fame (even though I am very bitter about the ROY honors that year, something still smells very fishy about Noe winning it and all those gorditas Scott ate), when I learned the word emoticon ;p, or when pravata would send my brain scrambling like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee, oh how I enjoyed those days, oh how I wish I could return, oh how I want to be a part of it… the TZ, TZ… you know, I wonder, if I work really hard, conjure up the ghost of Dave Bell or Derek Clark, or whatever that wasted sperm was called…could I do it again? Could I post with regularity and become a valued part of society (because we all know, value is earned through a keyboard), could I hit the weights, and get back in shape? Ah screw it… I am back for good this time. I ain’t changing my number so I can sell my gear, I ain’t changing my name so everyone reads and wonders… “Is that him?” I am coming back in, I am rededicating myself to the cause…or something like that.”
He hasn’t been heard from since.
2002 TALK ZONE MVP
Noe in Austin
Despite Limey delivering the strongest showing ever by a defending champ, the incomparable Noe in Austin clocks a well-deserved Golden Scott, becoming the first former TZ Rookie of the Year to take the fabled hardware, and ensuring that there will be no repeat winners of TZ’s highest accolade.
The longtime BBS veteran been always been among the strongest of TZ, but has not had the sheer numbers until this past year. Granted, much of the volume came in the form of response after sarcastic reponse to the ignorant assertions of various board villains, a clear attempt to give these folks plenty of rope with which to hang themselves – but Noe’s skill at leading people to hoist themselves on their own pitard is a big part of his game and matched only by TZ legend pravata.
Add this to the general value of Noe as illustrated in the “Legend Inductions” way up the page, and you’ve got a performance worthy of an MVP and KING OF THE ZONE. Congrats Noe, thank you all, and good night.