2004 – 2006
Welcome to the 2nd “Annual” Academy of OrangeWhoopass Arts and Sciences Awards, or as you know ’em and love ’em: The 2006 “Waldos”.
The few of you who can actually count probably realize that you should be reading the 4th edition of these awards. We could throw around a bunch of excuses (like Waldo taking a stab at writing them but getting discouraged that no one else thought crafting the awards in binary was a good idea) but the bottom line is something that you are all familiar with and aware of: We are a bunch of lazy bastards.
So instead of the best posts, takes and one-liners from only one year, we?re giving you nearly triple the funny as a regular Hall of Fame. Also, if you?re an award winner, you can consider yourself at least a 3-time award winner, which should make you a hit with the ladies while also looking sharp on a resume, or C.V. if you speak Latin.
Before we begin, the admins would like to thank all of the posters and lurkers, especially the 6 of you who aren?t moderators. You six make the board worth coming to at least every 3rd day with your witty observations and entendres. And you do it for none of the perks that the moderators get. But what?s a rub girl worth these days anyway. They?re liable to leave one of your windows open when you go out for breakfast while their dancer friends empty out your apartment. Not that I?m bitter.
So without further ado, here are your 2006 Waldos?
THE MOST INCREDIBLE PREDICTION IN THE HISTORY OF THE TZ
Kevin
The Houston Astros were in a tailspin in 2005 and the Houston Chronicle printed an obituary complete with a tombstone to pronounce the team’s playoff hopes dead. The TZ is dismal and in rushes Kevin with the following on 05/24/05:
“Maybe half an hour ago, after hearing JD say something like this is the worst start ever by an Astros team through this many games, I experienced a strange calm.
Call it a hunch or psychosis, but I am being led to predict that May 24 will represent a turning point for the club, for the better, by some measure.
So I’m just getting this posted as a matter of public record. Thanks for your time.”
Dude was dead spot on, as the Houston Astros not only made the postseason, but went all the way to the World Series. Players were asked about the miraclous turnaround to the season and to a man, they all said they reached rock bottom on 05/24 and from that day forth, they played their best baseball. Jason Stark even accented the prediction by offering up a column on ESPN.com right before the start of the World Series referencing 05/24 as the turning point date for Houston.
Awesome.
SOME FAVORITE TZ EXCERPTS
Various
Kevin – How in the hell do you break dance while dressed as a giant lima bean? Where do you put your legs? How do you hold yourself up?
HudsonHawk – Don’t ask me, I just recently found out that my “li’l red laptop” was really an Etch-A-Sketch.
Taras Bulba – Stain might have been a dick, but he could fart like a champion racehorse.
Alkie – Here, Carlos, show the jury on the Teddy Bear where it hurts.
HudsonHawk – On a side note, I wouldn’t toss him off either.
Jacksonian – I was planning on presenting him a lovely young ewe once the honeymoon/newlywed phase was complete.
Jim R – if i ever listen to Rome by mistake, i go to confession. that confuses the priest because i am a Methodist.
Limey – 7 saves in 8 opportunities. I bet you couldn’t wipe your arse eight times and not get shit on yourself more than once.
HudsonHawk – I’ll never look at chocolate mousse the same way again.
strosrays – “Basically, you swaggered out into the street at high noon, then promptly shot your nuts off drawing your pistol out of the holster.
Foghorn – Ohio is where you’d stick the hose if you wanted to give the US an enema.
Jim R – his “physical issue” is that his body has his head attached to it.
The Spleen – Introducing your 2007 Kansas Chicago Pirate Rays!
austro – Stay away from my left-handed, red-headed daughter.
Sphinx Drummond – Rita Cosby talks out her ass and her voice sounds like she wipes her butt with a porcupine.
Navin R Johnson – This blogger needs to call Mike Barrett for a reference on a good doctor to mend his broken pee pee.
MusicMan – Tom Arnold just called to say he thinks that’s fucked up.
JimR – if Mordecai Brown were Billy’s catcher, he would have two fingers too many.
MusicMan – The second move would be to have Jack Bauer torture the birds to find out who they were working for.
Limey – At least he didn’t blame God, who was clearly rooting for his opponent that day.
SoonerJim – Frankie say, “Relax.”
Homer – Biggio knows that Wagner trusts his stuff.
Don_mynack – I seem to remember him fighting Han Solo once. I know that Gary Busey tried to poke him with a stick once and paid the price.
OldBlevins – I think dreadlocks would be more likely to help his throwing.
Homer – Yes, but he makes a damn fine encyclopedia.
HudsonHawk – We got discussing Mexican whorehouses, which naturally turned the conversation to Alkie
Limey – I wasn’t a fan of the salt rim, but once I’d cleared a hole, I was hooked.
Taras Bulba – Is fantasy baseball a substitute for masturbation?
Golden Sombrero – I’m pro-2 way.
Limey – Highlight of the day? Nicky and a foot long hotdog.
The Spleen – I wouldn’t hit that with a rented dick…
Alkie – If “burning someone in effigy” isn’t really “breaking the law,” then why in the world would “burning someone in kerosene” be any different?
Senor Stan – Like feeding mayonnaise to tuna fish.
BEST TALE OF MISSPENT YOUTH
Dobro
Sounds like the ol’ gal I picked up one night at Triggers in Kenefick. We bought a case of Keystone (said it was her favorite) and a bottle of Strawberry Hill at the closest shop that sold suds. Next thing I knew, we were tuggin’ on the Boones, shotgunnin’ the Keystone, and headed to Saratoga to see the “light” (she said it was romantic). By the time we got to Saratoga, I was three sheets to the wind and don’t remember much about the game of Twister that we played in the backseat of her mother’s Gremlin. A few hours later, as we sat on the side of a dirt road that was about 9 miles long waiting for the ever elusive “light”, we talked about our chemistry, what we would name our kids, and other things of the sort. With sweet thing behind the wheel and about a half tank of gas, we left the excitement that is Saratoga with a mobile home park on the outskirts of Hardin set firmly in our sights. She was chompin’ at the bit to show me off to her sister-in-law, who was not only her best friend, but her skeet-shooting partner at the Hull-Daisetta Fall Festival. Who was I to argue? With the Gremlin wound up tighter than Dick’s hat band, we screamed through the streets of Sour Lake at close to 20mph over the limit and not a care in the world…until we passed Johnny Law pulling out of the local laundromat. As he flipped on his bubble gum machines, she panicked and dropped the hammer. I said, “Now hold on darlin’. What in the hell are you doin’?” Her speech was shaken and she was crying, but I managed to cipher a few words here and there as I held on for dear life. I clearly heard her say something about not being old enough to drive and her daddy being a Liberty County deputy. Well, ol’ Dobro boy might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but he didn’t just fall off the turnip truck yesterday either. With the officer about a quarter mile behind us, I forced her to whip the Gremlin into the Dairy Queen parking lot and I bailed out and hit the ground runnin’. Off throught the piney woods I went for what seemed like a country mile before I came out on a 2 lane road that turned out to be Highway 105. Shirtless and with one shoe on, I managed to flag down some road lizard driving a log truck for Paul Brockner out of Cleveland. She closely resembled Limey’s mom, so I immediately felt comfortable and at ease. She turned her Marshall Tucker tape down and told me that she was headed to Weimar. I asked her if she would drop me off on Memorial Drive on her way through the city and she agreed. Sad thing is I left my damn wallet in the Gremlin during my slapdash exit and 48 hours later Dobro was on his way back to East Texas…in the back of a patrol car.
BEST METHOD OF ATTRACTING WOMEN
Drew, Foghorn
Drew – Only there’s nothing really to say other than the wonderment that is unfolding here is quite the sight to be seen.
Foghorn – Why are you unfolding your wonder meat?
Drew – For the ladies my man. For the ladies.
BEST ESTIMATION OF PHIL GARNER?S WORTH
Budgirl
Andyzipp ? BudGirl, Garner never showed up for his interview.
Budgirl ? Guess they told him he wasn?t worth a hummer.
BEST TALKZONE HEALTH DISCLAIMER
Taras Bulba
Yes, Waldo, many thanks for your hard work and the site is indeed impressive. However, since I registered, my bank account has been frozen and i’m receiving tons of gay porn and Cialis pop ups (NTTAAWWT). But after Jim R. checks in with his first “Fuck Off” it will all be worth it.
BEST SHAUNE BAGWELL TAKE
EasTexAstro
Suggested Slogans for advertising on the former Mrs. Bagwell?s Profundities
“If you can read this, you need to back away slowly”
“This side up”
“Warning: Overexposure could cause impotence”
“If this turns you on, you don’t need Viagra”
“Where’s the beef?”
“Long-haired, Freaky people need not apply”
“What can Brown do for you?”
“The right stuff; the right price”
“It’s our turn”
“Help support the victims of disaster”
“Press here to donate”
“The good hands people”
“What’s in your wallet?”
“Computer: $1000. High Speed internet: $30. eBay account: $10. Selling ad space on your boobs: classless”
“Is it in you?”
“Not going anywhere for a while?”
“Want to get away?”
“The best part of waking up”
“It’s the real thing”
“Meet the Fockers”
“Farfednuggen”
“Friends don’t let friends drive drunk”
BEST BABLEFISH TRANSLATION
Andyzipp
We?re not sure how you win an award for cutting and pasting something into bablefish, but somehow this counts. At the very least it gave ?jugador of the five herramientas? to the world.
To listen to each one of the supplies
Thursday, 28 of October of 2004
By Fernando Ribas Kings
CARLOS BELTR?N arrived last night and Scott Boras will arrive in two weeks, and followed several could come from the equipment that is interested in the tradeable central gardener.
The ‘jugador of the five herramientas’ it returned last night to Puerto Rico, one week after to have lived postemporada that exposed it to all the American market and that left him like one of the main ones – if not best the free agents in the dead season.
“I thank to God that it I could do at the moment adecuado,” Beltr?n said, that added that it was surprised of how well could play in that stage of the season.
Beltr?n said that the name of its family and God could put the stop and added that, next to that pedestal, the name of Puerto Rico and its native Manat? also cheered putting stop to him.
And to that it did not fail to him either went to his agent, Scott Boras, to that much more, in fact, will make the work easy, because the performance whom it had its client is for ‘echar itself for atr?s’.
And after him, Beltr?n said, also must come the interested equipment.
“Mi agent comes in two semanas,” Beltr?n said.
“Los equipment is going to come to Puerto Rico. I do not know when, but in the free agency they go to venir,” Beltr?n said.
The Stars of Houston are one of the equipment that could come, although Beltr?n said that the management of the equipment had not communicated him anything to the respect in the days that was ’empacando’ its luggage in Houston.
From being thus, also they could come to Puerto Rico representing of the Puppies of Chicago, of the Filis de Filadelfia and, naturally, of the Yankees of New York, the equipment with which has said that it would play and the one that, is said, had the money to pay the pelotero promoted one.
The Puppies and the Filis were mentioned by Beltr?n to their arrival to Puerto Rico because they are equipment that has let know how the interest to him to obtain a central gardener of their quality.
“Houston is an equipment that I am going to consider mucho,” it commented on the equipment that that has said it will do everything what is about to to its reach to retain to number 15.
“Vamos to listen to them all, the Cubs and Filadelfia, that are trying to look for a gardener central,” it added. “Los Yankees shone well in the offensive. I believe that the problem of them was pitcheo,” it said letting understand that the main priority of the Yankees is to contract throwing, nonplayers of position.
“Hay many equipment interested in uno.”
On a press conference to his arrival to the Island, it was insisted to him to Beltr?n that gave details on how many years and of whichever money it wanted to assure his contract.
Beltr?n never has signed a multiannual contract in the six seasons that have played in the Great Leagues, five and average with the Real ones of Kansas City. To his 27 years it seems to be ready to make sure by several years.
What it did not say was until when and by how much.
“Lo more than pueda,” it said on the years of duration of the contract. “El money that is, would be a surprise for m?,” it added the pelotero that gained $9 million in the 2004.
The postemporada one already arrived. The free agent already arrived at Puerto Rico. Now the table is made… the one of Christmases and the one of ne gociaciones.
MOST CONCISE DESCRIPTION OF THE ASTROS FREE AGENT STRATEGY
pravata
This probably needs to be updated with ?Owns or would like to own a Ranch.?
History of injury, check, native, check, might sign for cheap, check, crap shoot, check.
BEST FFA SLAM
strosrays
I didn’t realize Scottish sheep had lights. The East Texas one’s don’t…which was probably a good thing for the FFA boys back in high school, who used to put on their cuffed pants in the evening and go ‘mingle’ with the flock.
BEST MARGARET WISE BROWN RIP-OFF
Andyzipp
Good Night Mets
In a shit, shit park,
There was a big red apple,
Just like a balloon,
And a picture of,
Pedro, a jericurled baffoon.
And a fan with Zmed hair,
Trying to steal her chair.
And old Trach pitchin’.
And a former Brave bitchin’.
And little Fishy Looper.
And a catcher who likes it in the pooper.
And a Kris, with a rash,
from his wife, skanky trash.
And a central gardener who was whispering “cash”.
Good night Mets.
Good night goons.
Good night apple balloon.
Good night jericurled buffoon.
Good night gaggle of Zmed hairs.
Good night former Brave…nobody cares.
Good night Floyd and good night Looper.
Good night catcher, plug in his pooper.
Good night Kris and Good night rash.
Good night empty seats.
Good night wifey trash.
And good night to the central gardener whispering “cash”.
Good night planes, Good night subway fare,
Good night Shitheads every where.
MOST ZAPRUDER-LIKE DESCRIPTION
Jackstro
Wasn’t that just fucking perfect? I backed it up and watched it about a dozen times, and every single time Carlo$ made the half-hearted grab of the ball, I had to go to slow-mo to pinpoint the exact moment that his spirit breaks. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight………….. there.
Yep, that’s the moment that the “why did I do it” chatter that’s been getting louder in the back of his head finally shoved his inner Boras out of the way and grabbed the reins. All the pent-up angst over being booed, all the anxiety over the constant locker room advances from Piazza, having to look at Pedro’s greasy fucking mop day after day after day AFTER FUCKING DAY…
The cameras cut away, but I like to imagine him sobbing gently, alone in right-center, wondering why he isn’t the one in the middle of the man-slapping lovefest at home plate. Why the goddamn uppity Ivy Leaguer with no stick is the hero, as he’s left to dry his beautiful, marketable eyes with crisp $10,000 bills.
It continues like this for some time, but you get the idea. That’s how it looked on my Tivo, anyway, but I had quite a few St. Arnies before the 9th. What’d it look like to everyone else?
MOST WELL-ARTICULATED VENOM FOR CUBFAN
Joey Trum
loveable losers loveable losers loveable losers. there’s a certain personality flaw in certain people that just happens to be manifested in the concept of cub fan. it’s analogous to a recent article in the SF weekly about how retarted people are drawn to Huey Lewis and the News. there’s just something comforting about the cubs to certain personality-challenged individuals across our great nation. it’s not unlike the congregation of a joel osteen or that weird lady with the big hair, the cubs give the weak-willed among us a sense of empowerment. the cubs offer an excuse for the helpless idiocy demonstrated in the dumbfuck daily lives of so many. the cubs give an identity (even an outfit) to these people, a way of life through which they can feel special. the cubs offer an endlessly comforting message to its followers, “it’s okay if you’re an idiot. it’s alright if you’re a poser. we’re here to help you celebrate your meaninglessness. you may be a loser, but you’re loveable too.”
the cubs are, to me, the sports equivalent of all those power pop (or pop punk) bands you see and hear these days on Fuse network and on the radio (Simple Plan, Good Charlotte etc.). just as those bands offer a conformist’s version of individualism, the cubs offer a way to be different without actually being different at all. those types of bands co opt past images of the musical counterculture (punk haircuts, piercings, tatoos, metal attitudes, ambigious drug and sex references), and recycle them in a catchy, easy to digest format that requires no familiarity with the past and no concept of the future. thus, people can feel like they’re from the counterculture without ever going anywhere near it. the cubs similarly package classic images of devotional sports fandom & celebration of competition into an easy-to-follow code of ethics that doesn’t require any testable knowledge of the past or any of the emotional turmoil that usually comes with rooting for a sports team. and just as with the pop punk bullshit, occassionally something will come along like a green day american idiot that gives a convincing illusion of quality while only really serving to further blind its followers to the richness of the past and the deeper nuances of the present, the cubs have stuff like the ’03 season, ron santo, ernie banks with his “mr. cub” hat, mark grace, sammy the clown etc. that reinforces cub fan’s special feelings about itself by canonizing the predictably unpredictable moments of success.
as i’ve said before, the only real cub fan (the only ones immune from my argument) are men (or women) of polish descent who look like they have bowling balls strapped around their wastes, who put old style in their cereal, who eat bratwurst in the shower, and who have a steady stream of convincing insults ready to fire at white sox fans. i have no problem with these people. they are the real cub fans. everybody else is worthless, and should find something else to do during the offseason of american idol than inflate the ratings of wgn.
BEST ACT OF CONTRITION TO THE BBGS
Alkie
Baseball Gods, Are You There? It’s Me, Alkie.
You don’t know me, but I’m a big fan. You see, I don’t believe in superstition. I don’t believe in religion. I don’t believe in fate or destiny or things happening for a “reason.” I believe you make your own luck. I believe in the soul. The cock. The pussy. The small of a woman’s back. The hanging curveball. High fiber. Good scotch. I believe that the Astros losing another home series to the Cubs will actually cause me to vibrate until my organs burst. I believe in forcing my wife to call in sick so we can drive 767 miles across the biggest goddamn (real) state in the union to watch two baseball games. I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me. I believe Alou was safe at 3rd. I believe Bill Spiers was the greatest utility player of all time. I believe Hatcher’s homerun went 8,000 feet. I believe GameFive was somewhere between the birth of my daughter and the day I met my wife. I don’t believe in heaven, but I do believe in Hell. I believe good pitching beats good hitting, unless it doesn’t. I believe in playing to win, not playing not to lose. I believe in Gar, and Baggy, and Bidge, and Cruuuz, and that fat, lazy, head-up-his-ass tub of goo who keeps hitting big HRs the last week.
I also believe in you, Gods of Baseball. I believe I erred (E-Alkie?) last week when I purchased NLDS tickets behind the plate with money I didn’t have, a week before we even could have clinched. I apologize. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t cool. “My bad.”
All I ask is this. One more chance. I deserve it. You took my World Series Game 4 and 5 tickets away from me and my wife last year, but I didn’t leave.
So, today…when you’re trying to decide if Rocket pulls his hammy in the top of the 2nd and whether or not I have to watch Zeke Astacio try to put us in the playoffs, remember this: you still have the chance to make a little Braves fan cry again. And really…isn’t that what it’s all about?
Thank you.
Love,
Alkie
MOST OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN ?LETTER TO THE EDITOR? WRITING
Craig the Bastard
Dear Mr. Madden,
I realize that the only time New Yorkers think of the Houston Astros is when you’re making up rumors about a trade for Roger Clemens. Or when we no-hit the Yankees. Or when the Mets sign away our free agent outfielder and catapult into the playoffs.
And I also understand why New Yorkers would be upset about the Red Sox naming themselves co-champions of the division. Because the exact same thing happened to the Astros in 2001, but not as you described it.
You wrote today: “At game’s end, the Green Monster scoreboard minions had dutifully moved “Boston” on top of “New York” in the final AL East standings. That’s what the Houston Astros did in 2001 when they were the wild card to the National League Central champion St. Louis Cardinals, a gesture that to this day still rankles Cards manager Tony La Russa.”
Now, as an Astros fan, I already know this is total BS. The ASTROS won the NL Central in 2001. But just to be sure, here’s a story from MLB.com that explains it:
The Link
Here’s a quote: “The two teams finished the season at 93-69, but the Astros won the season series 9-7 and therefore are the division champions while the Cardinals are the Wild Card team.”
The ASTROS were the 2001 NL Central champs, and the Co-ardinals named themselves Co-champs. (And the Co-Ardinals’ move was supported and encouraged by the MLB marketing geniuses, I might add.) Imagine the Astros’ surprise when they got to Busch the next year and saw the “Co-Champions” banner. A sight Yankee fans will now get to enjoy in perpetuity at Fenway.
Still, maybe I’m missing something here. I mean, I’m just some hayseed Astros fan who knows how to use the internet. So I used my extensive Google skills (searched for “2001 NL Central co-champions”) and verified in 1.71 seconds that yes, in fact, the Co-Ardinals were actually the 2001 NL Wildcard.
So I’d love to hear how that fact “to this day still rankles Cards manager Tony La Russa.”
Maybe you could call and ask him about it. You must have misunderstood him the first time.
– Craig xxxxx
Las Vegas, NV
BEST OLD MAN SMACK
Andyzipp
Actually, I’ve always wondered about Jim’s career as a towncrier.
“9 o’clock and Fuck Off! 9 o’clock and Fuck Off!”
QUICKEST NATURAL EVOLUTION OF A NICKNAME
Limey, pravata
Limey: Berkman is ripped. he only looks podgy because of the numerous bags of sunflower seeds he has stashed in his uni.
Pravata: He’s a homerun hitting vending machine.
MOST WELL-FOUNDED FEAR OF SPACK MCGRIMM
The Spleen
After a tremendous amount of Clarkfestation, followed by a Spack McGrimm rampage, most of the TZ was put on Defcon 5 red alert. This caused The Spleen to opine:
Can’t sleep! Spack will eat me!
BEST EARLY 80’S PORN REFERENCE
The Third Man
I don’t know how anybody can presume to get into Lidge’s mental state anymore than I can figure out what Seka was thinking when Ron Jeremy was astride her like a furry avalanche.
BEST DESCRIPTION OF WESTERN OHIO IN APRIL
pravata
They’re kind of excitable in Cincinnati right now. They can’t decide whether being in first in April has any meaning. They want it to but they keep hedging. They’re excited about beating Oswalt and lifting “The Curse”. Sounding like they’re mounting a revival of “No, No, Nanette”. That Phillips guy has them running in smaller and smaller concentric circles. They’ve got Bronson Arroyo pitching on short rest like it’s the playoff. To put it succiently, they’re dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots they’re so excited about not being crappy.
BEST TRADE SUGGESTION
Astrojo
I bet the guys on the team would trade Gallo for V.D. and a round of penicillin shots.
BEST WINDOW INTO HIS OWN LIFE
EasTexAstro
Morgan is just like a married man at the beach.
He just watches’em go by, saying “I’d hit that.”
RUNNER-UP WINDOW INTO HIS OWN LIFE
HudsonHawk
You have to remember, I’m also the one who has this fantasy involving Katie Couric, Rachel Ray and a bottle of baby oil on a sheetless waterbed.
BEST REFLECTION ON COLLEGE STATION, TX
Lefty, pravata, MusicMan
pravata: That kind of thing never leads anywhere good. The Santana deal was just one of those things. I noted it in inarticulate, non-judgemental aggravation.
Lefty: I believe your quote on a similar subject was “That way lies madness.” I was interested more for reasons of morbid curiosity than of fingerpointing and assflapping.
pravata: That’s how it always starts. All innocent like. Pretty soon, somebody loses a finger and somebody’s horse is pregnant. Every time.
MusicMan: Aaah, Friday nights in College Station.
THE ?WHAT’S A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?? AWARD
Various
At least once a year, some Clark wants to know the Zone Dwellers? answers to the provocative question, ?What Brings You Here? ?
MusicMan: Heard it referenced on the 610 morning show. The first hit was free.
strosrays: Well, I have a ranch in the area, so. . .
Houston: I don’t remember how I found this site, but I am a little disturbed at how this site keeps finding me.
strosrays: OWA just happens to be one island in the vast sea where the bullshit meter is set low, and the first instinct when some yahoo like Ass- er, Barzilla wanders in with his weak-ass shit is to whack him over the head with a carp. Or a garfish. Or whatever the virtual equivalent is. Repeatedly.
MOST DEFINITIVE DECLARATION OF THE FOOTER INFALIBILITY DOCTRINE
JackAstro
I just want to clarify that I don’t think there’s even a remote chance that Footer has ever been wrong. She is far too dreamy for that to even be plausible. If anything, she may occasionally be victimized by complex typos that appear to be misinformed, but are actually the fault of either the technology or her editor.
YOU CAN LEAD A PIG TO SLOP BUT?
HudsonHawk
After numerous attempts to explain Jason Lane’s waiver situation fell on deaf ears?
Fine. Don’t believe me. Wallow in ignorance.
THE ?WHERE’S A CARP WHEN YOU NEED ONE?? AWARD
Limey
On the issue of what we weighed in our youth?
I used to weigh in at 185lbs, and was once described as “deft” (to which I, of course, replied “Pardon?”).
MEDICAL ADVICE OF THE YEAR
JackAstro
On not aggravating a groin strain?
Berkman is way too savvy to aggravate the injury. He’s going to move the ding-dongs, twizzlers and snack mix that were strapped to his ankles and calves up to his midsection, to avoid tweaking the groin on a hasty stretch for foodstuffs. He may not have what you would call “situational awareness” at times, but the man knows how to manage his snacks.
BEST DESCRIPTION OF ANGEL HERNANDEZ’S VERSITILITY
MusicMan
Yes, but the difference is that Angel is disrespectful AND incompetent.
THE ONLY STORY ABOUT MIA HAMM?S SISTER EVER POSTED IN THE TZ
Alkie
We (our gang of morons) were at this party that was mostly athletes (male and female) and their others at UT. I got invited thru my roommate at the time, who was best friends with most of the guys on the tennis team (most of whom he grew up playing against in SA).
Anyway, we were at this party and all the single guys seemed to be taking turns hitting on the 5’8 brunette bombshell (who was in ridiculously good shape) by the wine table. Everyone was striking out.
As is the way with women, she knew I was not out “looking” at the time (I had just broken up with a particularly difficult girl the week before) and started talking to me. I was my general charming jackass self. She laughed at all the jokes, we shared cheese and a glass of terrible wine. I told her I was going to a ska show that night and she insisted she come with me. Oh, at this point, I had absolutely no idea who she was.
In the middle of talking to her, my best friend Mark comes out and says “you won’t believe what Matt’s doing in there.” (Matt is the Drink That Boone’s Baby guy).
Matt had a slight problem with depression and apparently still refused to take his meds. Matt was sitting in a chair, in the middle of the living room, with a white towel draped over his head, crying. Apparently, he had become some sort of a shrine at the party and drunk athletes would come by and throw pennies at his stomach, then make a wish.
When it was time to leave, hours later, he walked over to ask if he could come to the show. She looked at him. Looked at me. Looked at him. Looked at me and said “HE’S going with you??” (she didn’t know the guy with the towel was in our group).
She said she had to meet some friends, but gave me her phone number.
As we got into Nick’s car to leave the party, he gave me that “nice work, buddy” pat on the leg that pitching coaches give relievers. I asked him what the fuck that was for and he congratulated me on getting Mia Hamm’s sister’s phone number. I had literally no idea.
I called her and spoke to Mia Hamm’s father, who told me she had gotten married (this was the next night) and not to bother calling anymore.
It was pretty fantastic, and the sort of thing beer commercials are made from.
BEST DESCRIPTION OF SPACK MCGRIMM THAT IS LIKELY TO CAUSE SPACK TO EAT HIS OWN SPLEEN
Limey
The Master of the Revels despises us all for vagrants and peddlers of bombast.
BEST UNDERSTANDING OF HIS OWN LEGACY
Kevin
After the Astros had to go to St. Louis and take Game 6 because Brad Lidge blew Game 5 at home, Kevin rushed into the TZ to offer hope to all those in dispair, literally offering a guarantee of a Roy Oswalt win. Oddly this is only his second best prediction.
“Like Moses, it is important to stand at the shore of the Red Sea where the people can see me and have hope.”
BEST JUSTIFICATION OF DONTRELLE WILLIS? ARREST RECORD
Andyzipp, pravata
Andyzipp: Marriage will make you do all sorts of things in the streets.
pravata: I think we all can relate. I can’t count the number of times I’ve found myself, 4:30 in the morning, pissing on my Bentley.
JESUS? OPS HAS TO 1.000, DOESN?T IT?
Taras Bulba
Satan pitched him low and away but Jesus was able to lay off that stuff. He walks a lot. Sometimes on water.
The BARD OF THE ZONE AWARD
strosrays
The World Series is long gone, as is The Rocket, of course
And the front office boys they’re all trying to endorse
The tired and hoary tactic of ?staying the course?
But the town has a need to be nervous.
The ghost of Bagwell?s shoulder gives the cynics fits
Ortiz alone has already been through several snits
While we all think longingly of Yvette Caceras? tits
The local paper has the job to alert us.
Jesus is in a quandry
He ain’t got no news
Justice is a ninny
?Cause he don?t want to choose
I’m lining the bottom of this cage
With the Tombstone Blues.
BEST SOUTHIE IMMITATION
OldBlevins
Hey, Rahah, yah f***in’ f***, why da f*** doncha come back here to pitch? F***IN’ SOX RULE!!!
BEST CAREER ADVICE
Foghorn
To Waldo, on his burdgeonning radio career?
See if you can work the phrase “slop jar full of nuts” in somehow.
BEST DRESSING DOWN OF A CLARK’S SUGGESTION
pravata
No, he’s tried cortisone injections, having his shoulder scraped, pins put in his shoulder, he’s tried having fake cartilage injections, he’s tried lasiks, (but only after his wife had it first), he had a piece of armour especially designed for his left hand, he’s tried shot putting the ball, running the ball in, flipping it to Richard Hidalgo for him to throw, he’s tried creatine, weight lifting, changing his stance, growing an Amish beard, orange sunglasses, he’s thought about throwing left handed (for a half a second while trying not to laugh),he’s considered retiring, being traded to the American League, becoming a free agent, he’s defied Lloyd’s of London, Drayton Mclane, and howling packs of call in show goons, but I’ve never heard whether he’s considered throwing sidearm.
MOST DIRECT WARNING FROM AN ADMIN
HudsonHawk
Do not insult the board, or I will beat the living shit out of you.
WORST SUGGESTION FOR JEFFREY ROBERT BAGWELL
Otterj
I’d like to suggest to the Astro organization that they bring a sphincter specialist into spring training. That way, Bagwell could just cut a hole in back of his pants and after placing the ball back there, simply shoot it out of his ass to second base. Odds are, he hasn’t thought of this possibility yet.
EXACTLY WHY THAT WAS THE WORST SUGGESTION FOR JEFFREY ROBERT BAGWELL
Craig the Bastard
Holy Toledo, Baggy shat a blue star on that one! It looked like a can of corn, but he shitlelaghed it to over to turd base just in time. Boy oh boy, Baggy’s really swingin’ the wagongate today.
SUBJECT LINE OF THE YEAR
Trey
Joey Gathright apparently looks like a telephone
MOST COLORFUL DESCRIPTION OF HUDSONHAWK?S EATING HABITS
Davek
Actually it was an official 2005 commemorative pretzel… Took HH nigh on 3 innings to gnaw it into submission…A bit like watching a terrier at work on one of those oversized rawhide bones…
BEST HANDLEY RAMIREZ TAKE
Limey
As discussed in the latest Series Preview, Handley Ramirez had a hard time coming to grips with the bigs. Maybe his hands were a bit slippery, but he was juggling balls all over the place. He almost got two at one point, however, by taking one in the throat.
He’ll get less tight with experience, I’m sure, and will soon be rounding the bases like a pro.
BEST TAKE INVOLVING SPELLING
JaneDoe, Limey, HurricaneDavid, lc_db, austro
JaneDoe: Ensberg has a staph infection
Limey: It’s spelled with a “ph”?
HurricaneDavid: That’s just how the hip youngsters spell it these days, like “phat.”
lc_db: So telling Clarks to phuck off would be cool?
austro: WPHW
BEST REASON FOR A WALL ON THE BORDER
UpTooLate
My barnyard animal comes from Mexico so she doesn’t have any photo id. On the bright side, I got her in the red light district and she does tasks that American barnyard animals are unwilling to do.
I AM HE AS YOU ARE ME AS WE ARE ALL TOGETHER
strosrays
One possible solution occurred to me over the weekend — when referring to yourself and your favorite team collectively (if you must), employ Jamaican/Rastafarian patois.
“I and I were nearly swept by the Reds.”
“I and I need some pitching help, mon.”
This does two things: it takes the red flag “we” out of the equation, and somehow it confers more personal accountability onto the user.
“I and I should’ve signed Carlos Beltran, mon.”
“Oh yeah. Well, why the hell didn’t you?”
(NOTE: To Biggio and others – continue to use “we” when referring to yourself and any small rodent you may have somewhere on your person.)
BEST ADVICE ABOUT NYC
L.I. Bill
Couple of suggestions when using the subways.
– That critter climbing around on the tracks is not a large armadillo, it’s a small rat.
– The guy sitting near you talking into his lapel does not neccessarily have a hands-free cell phone.
BECAUSE REAL PLAYERS DON?T WEAR PINK
Craig the Bastard
If the Pink Bats for Breast Cancer thing catches on?
And on Father’s Day they’re going to make semen-colored bats to raise awareness for prostate cancer. You don’t want to know about Colon Cancer Awareness Day.
BEST ADVICE IN REGARDS TO TRUSTING ONE?S STUFF
Homer
Clearly you don’t have your best stuff right now Joey. You’re not spotting your Clarks and your sarcasm doesn’t have the same bite. I don’t think you have mentally recovered from the last parade of Clarks that you gave the benefit of the doubt. You need to try harder to trust your stuff and be more like that dominant thread closer Spack.
MIXED METAPHOR OF THE YEAR
HudsonHawk
I’m not spell checking, but those who brag about their IQ probably should. I’m just saying…those who live in glass houses shouldn’t complain about the neighbors watching them masturbate in the shower.
BEST RESPONSES TO A TROLLS QUESTION
Various
IndianAstro asked: ?How did you become an Astros fan?? in an attempt to embed himself in the TalkZone
Ty in Tampa: That’s a great question. When I was a kid, my parents ran away to a hippie nudist commune and left me with my mom’s parents who resented the hell out of me so they kept me locked in an upstairs room 21 hours of the day. The only time I got to spend out of the room was when the Astros were on TV so I kinda got to liking them then. When I stabbed my grandfather with a kitchen knife, that all ended but I still got to see the Astros at the juvenile detention center when I was on good behavior, which was not alot of the time. When my mom ran off with the yoga instructor, my dad came back and got me out of juvi and the first thing he did was take me to a bar, where the Astros game was on. That pretty much solidified my love of the Astros.
strosrays: I was just coming into sexual awareness – about age 5 – and John Bateman was the Astros’ catcher. Strong, stolid, low OPS but good mechanics – I naturally fixated on him, and his team. Some of my most fevered memories of my early pubescence one way or another involve John Bateman, squatting behind the plate and giving hand signs from between his legs. My pre-adolescence was shattered, then, when I came home from 2nd grade one day and heard that Bateman had been left exposed (oooh, exposed, I thought) by Spec Richardson to the expansion draft, and had been taken, just had been willfully taken, by some foreign team called the Expos. Then Spec brought in some new catcher, a lefty, from out of Cincinnati. Probably was gifted, too, but my early obsession with Bateman could not be overcome, and I began to really resent this Johnny Edwards guy. Later, my adolescent shrink told me it was what was called in the profession an Edwipal complex.
Guinness: one day (and that day may never come) I was taking my socks to the cleaners when they got mixed in the laundry with some pumpkins and they turned orange. Since there were teams called white sox and red sox, but no orange sox, I had to look for a team to support. A man with a turban riding on a flaming pie flew down and said “From now on you shall support the Astros of Houston”, and I said Thank you Mister Man, then he tried to sell me insurance but I didn’t buy it (although I did eat the pie…mmm….pie…..). Since this happened in 1933, I had to wait to be borned, but once I was, boy howdy….!
JackAstro: Some folks say I was born a fan. Others claim it happened when a lightning strike left me with a freakish orange stripe of hair running through my otherwise dark brown locks. Still others tell the tale of a young boy who began following the team through an intoxicating blend of geographic proximity and paternal influence. Me? I think it happened the night I walked in on my mom “turning a double play” with Craig Reynolds and Billy Doran. Or was it Scrap Iron and Dickie Thon? The years since have really blurred the memory for me, but I do know that it wasn’t Denny Walling, because, you know, that would’ve been a little weird.
BEST RECAP OF EVERY CARL DUKES RADIO SHOW
Joey Trum
I know a guy named Carl something, Carl Dudes I think, who’d probably be able to help you. Give him a call some time, but be prepared because he’s probably gonna ask you what your choices are. Don’t worry though, anything you say will be okay, and you’ll probably receive a good-natured chuckle from ol’ Carl. He might even ask some of his friends to give their opinions on the subject of your query, and it could stoke a pretty deep dialectic. Good luck with your journey, Indiana Astro. God speed. I know that some day you will ease your flummoxed mind and find out who indeed is the most overrated and most underrated Astro. You must discover the truth Indiana, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, stop until you have found it. But be careful, because there are those out there who do not want you to find it. These people might seem like your allies, they might even seem like your best friend, but you must not let them derail you. You must stay true to your vision, stay true to your quest, keep asking this question and do not accept false answers. Ask ask ask until the world becomes so tired of hearing it, so tired of giving diversionary non-commital platitudes, that they have no choice but to give the truth to you, no choice but to squeeze out the answer, the revelation of who indeed is the most underrated and most overrated astro.
BEST RIDICULE OF THE PINWHEEL
IndianaAstro, Gizzmonic, pravata
IndianaAstro: In your opinion, who is the mose underrated Astro? Who is the most overrated Astro?
Gizzmonic: Dick Justice, is that you?
pravata: Only way to tell is if he answers Chris Burke to half of the question, then, wait 3 days, he answers Chris Burke to the other half of the question.
MOST ARTICULATE TAKE FROM FREDIA
TheWalrusIsAl, Fredia
TheWalrusIsAl: Anybody else notice that the Astros have worn the Sunday red jerseys for every game of the current road trip?
Fredia: maybe it is to cover up the bleeding
EXHIBIT A ON WHY WE DON?T GET MORE OF THE BFIB IN THE TZ
JackAstro
foulpoleincenter: He (Edmonds) baits or tries to bait people into running on him quite often. And the ball was there in plenty of time to get Burke at 3rd.
JackAstro: Fair enough. Let’s assume that you’re right. Let’s all believe that Edmonds was not in fact whipping out his compact to touch up for the cameras, and was not in any way caught unawares. Let’s accept that he had a diabolical master plan to lure young Chris Burke into a carefully laid trap at third. Because he does this QUITE OFTEN. He then is not lazy, after all. He is a fucking idiot. Because he has all of 6 outfield assists this year, which is good enough to be tied for 44th among outfielders. So in all the many, many times he has executed his crafty ploy this season, it has worked for him 6 times at the very most. Perhaps LaGenius should pull him aside and alert him that regularly giving runners free bases in the hopes of occasionally securing an out is not a tremendously effective way to win ballgames. Though I’m sure all the times his little bait trick didn’t work are mostly the fault of bad tags and poor umpiring. No doubt he should keep trying until he gets it just right.
2006 TAKE OF THE YEAR
strosrays
In response to Bizidydizidy’s unwillingness to admit his implied unfounded accusation that Kip Wells took steroids leading to his blood clot and repeated backpedaling from the accusation and the subsequent responses from a number of users calling him on it.
Perhaps this can made into a template and put in the FAQs.
Step 1 – Log in
Step 2 – Post a stupid, unsupportable message
Step 3 – Get hammered for it
Step 4 – Come back and say your original message didn’t really say what it says, or doesn’t say what it appears to everyone else but you it says
Step 5 – Get hammered for it
Step 6 – Come back and try to defend to original premise, the one you disowned in Step 4
Step 7 – Get hammered for it
Step 8 – Come back and say you are misunderstood, that you did not say what you said, or mean what you meant… but if you had, you would’ve been right, anyway. Give evidence to support this.
Step 9 – Get hammered for it
Step 10 – Take the high road, and say ‘I am done with this’, in a lofty way
Step 11 – Get hammered for it
Step 12 – Come back in (presumably on a lower road) and say, ‘Yes I was done with this, but…’ and proceed to rehash arguments made in Steps 4, 6, and 8
Step 13 – Get hammered for it
At this point, you can quit in indignant exasperation, or put in a go loop here and start the thing all over again. Either way, congratulations! You are now an OWA troll. ”
ASTRO WHO WE MOST WISH WERE OUR ASTROS BUDDY
Lance Berkman
Lots of fansites like to give out MVP awards, but the AWWMWWOAB is given out for a different set of reasons. This year, without a doubt, no one has provided better topics of conversation, and better yet quotes than one Lance Berkman. Below is a sampling. Congrats Lance!
“The funniest thing to watch during pre-game warmup is Brad Lidge taking groundballs in the infield. It’s like watching a baby giraffe trying to stand up for the first time.”
(on a pending Richard Justice appearance on a radio show): “Coming up next, the writer of wrongs!”
“Yeah, look at this body, does it *look* like I use steroids?”
“My intercoastal muscles ache, so I think I’m going to use pizza and cheeseburgers to cure it from within.”
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
homer
It?s hard to come to a place like the Talk Zone, and not only just fit in, but feel comfortable enough to wheel your beat-up La-Z-Boy, prop up your feet and just take a beer out of the fucking fridge. Since 7/10/2005, homer has not only that, we?re pretty sure that he?s borrowed money from HudsonHawk and is dating Waldo?s mom. Mmmm?Waldo?s mother. Anyway, after a couple of false starts, homer could be counted on to bring it strong and nearly from the very start. Here are some selections from your Rookie of the Year
? Man, you need to go abuse a dugout phone or something.
? Pooholescabreja
? I’ll have to say, Farnsworthless was visibly shaken on Sunday.
? Remember when I owned these bitches last year? That was AWESOME.
? Guess what… its not all about you or the rest of the fart wearing co-ard fans
? Man, you must be desperate to be reading over there at that fucktard convention.
? Memo to dumb blonde bitch, its fucking hot as hell already.
? That is the only useful thing I have found for most of the crap in my head too. It works best when you work it into conversation as if it were common knowledge.
? He should probably send one of his kids to Rafael Palmeiro too…he probably deserves it more.
? His discs aren’t herniated. They are just rusty.
? I think Secada was trying to impersonate Neville. Badly.
? I heard Ozzie chokes chickens as part of his religion. That excites me.
? He is a fat guy in overalls. People can relate to him.
? Fredia? (the spelling, not the pants…)
? Piazza could have showed him the other things and saved him a trip to the can.
? Sometimes I want to kick him/her so high that the bluebirds build in his butt before s/he comes back down.
? When I think Kenny Rogers, I think chicken… or good poker etiquette.
? Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR – 1ST RUNNER UP
Taras Bulba
What do you say about a person who brought the funny on such a consistent basis that most of the voters ignored the fact that between AC & OWA, he actually has been posting here for years? Maybe that he’s just that forgettable? It couldn’t be, because the body of work speaks for itself. Whatever, it was a strong 1st year(and second…again sorry we’re late) for Mr. Bulba.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR – HONORABLE MENTION
Various
Joey Trum, YouTube.com (for being Limey’s new girlfriend)
AND THE 2006 WALDO GOES TO?
strosrays
There are all manners of dwellers on this site. There are Popes and Clarks. Stat geeks and the folks that hate them. People who follow soccer and Americans. But there are only a few legends. Beyond going all Hammurabi and cranking out the standard field guide for spotting trolls, he?s consistently hilarious, insightful, and has allowed us to grab his cousin?s ass more than once. He is able to blend his knowledge of baseball, music, literature, and Florence Henderson into a tapestry of words that upon first glance appears to be nothing more than mocking commentary. Well, 9 times out of 10 it is mocking commentary, but that 10th time?it?s like magic.
Also, he manages not to be an idiot most of the time. Most of the time. Something all you people should be aspiring towards.
Anyway, congratulations are in order for strosrays. Here are some samplings of the genius. Please don?t stare directly at them.
? And she is impressive-looking, I like the mole.
? I like Gipson, for no supportable reason.
? I think it is actually FOX they’d be pissing off especially; which makes this option even more attractive.
? The fat kid sitting up in the gym bleachers playing chess while everyone else played dodgeball. Ooops! Ball got away from me again…
? In addition to the Cub pedigree, he carries the stigma of that horrid Abe Lincoln-looking thing growing on and under his face from a few years back. Which reminds me, has Marfan’s disease been eradicated? Or is it still around? I figure someone afflicted with it — extra long arms and fingers — would make a hell of a pitching prospect (in addition to President, and maybe lead guitarist.) Note to self: Check into this.
? A one-trick pony with zero imagination — of course he went into teaching.
? Tavarez has Gary Gilmore eyes.
? Solution: Bring in Damon to mollify the Montrose fan base.
? It’s because they suck. And you can tell ’em I said so.
? Y’know, speaking of foreign countries, you’ve pretty much had this in Louisiana for 100 years. Not as charming as the Old Sod maybe, but closer.
? I’m sure his homespun Virginny philosophy of life will go over well in the bucolic environs of The Big A.
? Ass-zilla jacking himself off in public takes into account the balls Biggio doesn’t get to anymore? How is that? On second thought, don’t answer. I’d rather not know. I think I am finally getting a fix on how range factor is figured, though.
? It was down to either Dahmer, or Eugene Tooms.
? Absolutely. If more people read Dear Abby, the world would be a better place.
? Don Juan, the Yaqui Indian Carlos Casteneda conjured up whilst under the effects of psylocibin, said you could piss on your hands and then close them into fists, and then when you flung out your fingers, you would shoot sparks from them. (I actually tried this once. Didn’t work. Perhaps Don Juan’s urine consisted of something other than almost pure grain alcohol, which I believe mine did at that time… come to think of it, maybe you could get drunk and light your piss? I’ll get back to you.)
? Possibly because a relatively high percentage of fans in that location are not generally familiar with indoor plumbing.
? It’s all that H.E.B. beef, hormones and shit. Penicillin the milk. That’ll fuck you up, boy.
? I just inadvertantly came across a nude picture of Lily Munster which may screw me up for some time, especially when I’m watching TV Land.
? I may have mentioned once before, I’ve had this ongoing fantasy since I was about nine, of me and Mrs. Brady and a bottle of Wesson Oil, and a tarp on the living room floor… and when we’re done, Ms. Brady pours the oil off the tarp back into the bottle and says, ‘Look! We only used one tablespoon!’
? My friend the Aggie was telling me this at some point last night at the after-party, almost teary-eyed. This was right before he took a couple of swings at me.
? Another place is any Chinese buffet. I remember when that cuisine was just hitting mass popularity here. Word was, besides, tasting good, it was healthy to eat. “You never see a fat Chinaman, do you?” Well, no. But somehow I don’t think the average citizen over there is eating two or three plates piled high with fried pork and spicy noodles at dinner, either. Anytime I get to thinking I am part of a culture that has evolved beyond something from the Middle Ages, I go to an All-You-Can-Eat. Or Wal-Mart.
? …the feds are dragging me out the back door of this head shop, and I’m screaming, “I did disclose my true identity, you fascist fucks! I’m stros-rays, motherfuckers! Stros-fuckin’-rays! S-T-R-O….”
ORANGEWHOOPASS LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD – THE KATY FEENEY AWARD
Greg D and Craig The Bastard (Co-Feeneys)
Isn’t this very St. Louis of us? There are a lot of behind the scenes folks around here, and there are some who are the frontmen prancing around like gay marriage was all of a sudden legal.
Greg and Craig represent the best of both.
Greg D. is intregal in the extremely popular Minor Leagues area of this site. A contributor since the days of AstrosConnection, Greg has his ear to the pulse of all the Astros minor league affiliates, the comings, the goings, the WTFs that are the minors. He puts in an inordinate amount of work to make that area one of the featured attractions of this site.
Craig the Bastard, besides possessing and utilizing both the most amazing command of the English language and the ability to generate flatulence on demand, has contributed the vast majority of the Series Previews for the past few years. Not above driving a joke into the ground, but careful about which one he drives, Craig has labored on a thankless task for a long time without ever asking about the money we keep promising him.
Both Greg and Craig are well deserving of this honor (such as it is) and have helped make the site the best fansite (such as it is) in baseball (such as it is).
Hoist a beer or six in their honor!