1999
NOTE: you will find that a number of this year’s HOF takes are quite lengthy. Much like the Guinness Book of World Records discourages people from trying to break the record of that a-hole who ate a bicycle in 15 days, Kev & Scott would like to emphasize that the place for extremely long takes should be our Bleacher Rap column. We would just like to say that despite appearances, “size doesn’t matter” when selecting the year’s best takes. Like last year, at the bottom of the list, we identify the 1999 TalkZone MVP, so you might be interested in checking out who’ll be hoisting the coveted Golden Scott Award aloft in victorious fashion…
THE FOURTH LEGEND
Ray K
Let it be known that Ray K becomes only the fourth individual in AstrosConnection history to receive the title of “TZ Legend”, joining Prince of Heck (1997), Michael N (1997) and Andyzipp (1998) at the highest permanent position a Zone-dweller may achieve. Ray K clinches the honor absolutely and with authority for many reasons – here are a few: Huge number of quality posts, ability to deliver crushing blows to a wide range of opponents, his mind-boggling “Astro League” simulation, the fact that he rarely makes a fool of himself in the TZ, and of course the philanthropy extended to less-skilled Zone-dwellers through the mighty family of ASS software.
FAVORITE EXCERPTS FROM TZ DISCUSSIONS
Various
“and lookee here, the greater trochanter does protect the hip bone from hyperabduction” – Paul G
“I extended an olive branch, and you guys effectively stuck it up my ass” – JJW
“you’d think with what these people were being paid they’d be able to afford their own Beano” – pravata
“if modern medical science can sew a man’s penis on after it’s been in a Slurpee drink for half an hour, surely they can repair a hatchet wound with little to no difficulty” – Andyzipp
“How did I get in this bloody nutshell? What kind of nut has a shell like this?” – Ray K
“De lahge bull fungo uhttempts to uhtract the uhttentions of de fe-male” – pravata
“That’s the last time I take a swig of Minute Maid while scanning the subject lines.” – Holly
“you may kiss my white ass, you silly little schoolboy” – Michael N
“The Lone Horseman of the OPS doth approach.” – Kevin
“I want to affirm that I am not anti-Worrell as much as I’m pro-Deshaises” – No? in H-Town
“there’s not an anti-semantic bone in my body” – TxRascal
“if it’s anything like my ‘Blitzkrieg’ maneuver in Risk, then I regret to inform you that it’s been banned in all 50 states and Puerto Rico” – Ray K
“Throngs of be-thonged women, longing to sow the Zipp seed.” – Holly
“If Wags was left off the allstar team, Bochy has a big dump in his pants.” – Navin R Johnson
“although the squirrel was actually a golf-club cover…he made some damn fine queso…” – Andyzipp
BEST NICKNAME GIVEN TO AN ASTROS PLAYER
pravata
Given to speedy pinch runner Glen Barker shortly after he got his ass thrown out trying to steal third for the final out of a game against the White Sox in June…
“Glen ‘now what did my little league coach tell me, oh screw it, feets don’t fail me now’ Barker”
JINX OF THE YEAR
Paul G
During a discussion on who exactly was to blame when Shane Reynolds lost a no-hitter in the seventh inning against the D-Backs in April, Paul G ended the speculation…
“I think it had to do with me running around the house, with nothing but ‘Stros cap on, yelling Shane’s throwing a no-no, Shane’s throwing a no-no.’ I spit on the dog, lit a huge fire (I have no fireplace) and started tossing lifesized AstrosGuy dolls in it. Of course I followed this by running outside and building a pyre to throw Mplexed on. Came back in to see the laser beam by Williams and when Shooter got the hit, I cried and called the fire dept. They were very understanding…”
BEST POEM OR HAIKU
Guardian of the Astros Faith
Guardian penned the following lyrical recount of notable ex-Astro performances in 1998…
“ex-Astros Haiku
Closer wannabe
Gone, at last he helps us win
I’m in Cincy now?
Stick man swinging stick
Tries to beat out weak ground ball
0 for 5 again
Rich man throws the ball
Feels that Coors Field whiplash
THAT was a curveball?”
MOST BLATENT CAMPAIGNING FOR HALL OF FAME RECOGNITION
Landestoy
As “Golden Scott” speculation began to reach a fever pitch in June, Landestoy could contain himself no longer, especially after Ray K asked the inevitable “what have you done for me lately” question…
“Make my presence known?!? Name me someone who not once, not twice — but countless times, has gone toe-to-toe with Michael N. and lived to smell another day. And in some cases, actually emerged victorious …”
Having already blown his own horn, it was now time to run smack at the other contenders…
“What have you ever done, Ray? You and your big ASS? Bring it on! And you, Noe, you’re crazy and short-fused, remember? You take things too seriously. Kev and Scott don’t want any part of your flakiness!! Not to mention, playing the race card, Cochran-esque, will never float the big guys’ boats!”
And finally, outright swagger…
“Let me sum it up this way: I left for a month or so, and not one of you forgot me — that’s called staying power, Gloria. It’s the biz’s backbone. Now, just where in the hell is that red carpet?”
COMPLETE COLLECTION OF ONE-WORD INSULTS USED
IN CONVERSATIONS INVOLVING CHESTER/NOSTRA/HUGH/PLEXED
chester/nostra/hugh/plexed and friends
Liar – Hoax – Bigot – Fraud – Hypocrite – Psycho – Neck – Redneck – Sham – Tool – Asshole – Moron – Idiot – Prick
BEST THEORY ON BIGGIO’S MOVE FROM CATCHER TO SECOND BASE
Ray K
Ray K attributes Biggio’s move from All-Star catcher to All-Star second-baseman to an acute case of fungiphobia rather than the universally accepted “refreshing organizational foresight” theory…
“The worst incident happened in LA in 1990. Biggio was catching against the Dodgers when Lasorda came out to argue with the ump over a play at the plate. While arguing, a stray mushroom flew out of Lasorda’s mouth (he had been eating spaghetti in the dugout) and struck Biggio on the cheek. When he realized what it was, he had a panic attack and curled up into a little ball behind home plate. After that incident, Biggio kept having panic attacks behind the plate and the team finally decided to move him to the OF (and later 2B) to minimize the risk of this happening again. The rest, as they say, is history.”
TOP 10 REASONS TO LOVE JOSE LIMA
Astrobabe
“10. Always finds new and inventive uses for gold metallic paint marker.
9. Imagine what he would do in a bench-clearing brawl.
8. He says he can win 20 and I believe him.
7. Any guy who has conversations with his glove should be feared. Where’s Jobu?
6. Without question, he challenges every hitter, all the time.
5. In-TEN-sity, baby!
4. He’s probably the only guy who’s ever tried to kiss Bagwell and lived to tell about it.
3. Whoever talks that kind of smack on sports radio and backs it up is da maign.
2. He looks damn crazy scary when staring down from the mound.
…and the number one reason why Jose Lima is da maign…
1. This guy truly, honestly, in every way, has veins pumping with boiling Orange Whoopass, 24/7. It may be damn near impossible to picture Lima playing anywhere else but Houston, because El Loco is the embodiment of a guy who absolutely and genuinely LOVES just *being* an Astro, all the while kicking ass and taking names. ‘Nuff said. We love Cy Loco!!”
BEST DESCRIPTION OF LUBBOCK, TEXAS
Michael N
“Essence of Slaughterhouse and driving to the county line for alcohol.”
GREATEST UMPIRE SLAM OF THE YEAR
No? in H-Town
No? in H-Town’s classic speculation on a horrific playoff umpiring crew of Eric Gregg – HP, Country Joe West – 1B, Balking Bob Davidson – 2B, Angel Hernandez – 3B, and an idea of how the game might play…
“If a runner happened to get on base, an unlikely event with Gregg’s strike zone but there’s always the chance of a hit batsman, then Joe West will move him along. Well, actually the runner is only protected on a hit and run play, but I’m sure Joe could find an obscure rule to cite to make his case for awarding him second. Even if Joe were to go comatose due to extreme overeating at pre-game meal, Davidson would wave him over by calling a balk on the pitcher for shaking off the catcher. The runner could then steal third without any fear of getting thrown out, since Angel would be, yet again, out of position to make a call on the tag. The runner would then get stranded on third because Gregg would punch out the next three batters on pitches near the on-deck circle. This would lead to the longest (and most boring) playoff game in the history of major league baseball. A 1-0 Astros win, 45-inning affair, lasting 12 hours, and a record 123 men left on base. Oh and it would be a pitching staff no-hitter (by both teams). How was the run scored? Mike Hampton, put in to run for Mike Magnante, stole home before Gregg could ring up pinch hitter Randy Johnson.”
MOST FRIGHTENING UMPIRE SLAM OF THE YEAR
Kevin
After the June 16 snafu at the Dome where Bruce Froemming and Mark Hirschbeck implemented the “ATL Double Standard” to perfection, El Jefe did not mince words…
“I will once again revive my long-held and strong position, that ALL MLB umpires, whether controversial calls were made or not, be beaten with a wet garden hose for half a hour at the close of every game, just for belonging to the biggest collective group of arrogant, power-tripping, cowardly, incompetent trash that walks the earth and call itself human. This website would be proud to sponsor such an enjoyable addition to America’s pastime.”
Paul G’s follow-up post was classic…
“Unfortunately, they would probably mistake the hose for a noodle and eat the damn thing.”
MOST INFORMATIVE POST OF THE YEAR
Andyzipp
In response to the deliberate harassment by Devil’s Advocate around the time of last year’s Randy Johnson deal…
“Who are you to pass yourself off around this BBS as a quasi-intellectual by arguing the opposite of everything? The origin of the term Devil’s Advocate is rooted in the mythology of a mynah-bird like demon who’s only purpose was to basically irritate God to distraction by saying the opposite of anything God said. Milton later adopted the mythology for Paradise Lost, with a court jester as the DA. It takes neither skill nor intelligence to be a Devil’s advocate. Only a soulless ability to repeat things incorrectly.”
We’re still not sure what a “mynah-bird” is, although Scott believes that it must be some kind of obscene gesture.
BEST CHARACTERIZATION OF THE TZ
pravata
Amidst the ridiculous whining by several Zone-dwellers that it’s hard to keep up with the rapid pace of TZ messages, pravata delivered one of the best takes of the year…
“You have to post like a ferret on a double espresso to stay on this thing. It’s tricker than Moises Alou’s treadmill.”
MOST EFFECTIVE POLICING OF A POP-CULTURE REFERENCE
McBrick
When Landestoy badly misused the “Mikey” reference when stating that Oakland and Minnesota were not “the Mikey of MLB” when Navin R Johnson wanted to send them Derek Bell, McBrick was there to bust his ass…
“Mikey was characterized as just the opposite of what you’re suggesting. Remember the original commercial: ‘He won’t eat it. He hates everything.’
This has been twisted (not just by yourself) into Mikey being portrayed as having the lowest possible standards, when in fact his standards are impeccible. I simply can’t allow this misrepresentation to continue.
Thank you for your time.”
POST MOST LIKELY TO GO OVER THE HEAD OF ZONE-DWELLERS
Jim T
At the height of the titanic “OPS vs. RBIs” argument to determine which is a better factor for judging the productiveness of a hitter, we knew things had gotten way out of hand when Jim T started one of his takes in defense of RBIs like this…
“Two events A and B are independent if P(A|B)=P(A) and are dependent otherwise. In other words, the probability of event A given event B has happened is equal to the probability of event A. The occurence or nonoccurence of one event has no bearing on the chance that the other event will occur.”
dwalt summed up the whole thing very accurately by stating, “my head hurts.”
MOST SORELY MISSED TZ LEGEND
Prince of Heck
Perhaps The Dark One decided to retire while on top and not risk pulling a “Ripken”. Perhaps, like Ali, too many TZ brawls finally took its toll. Perhaps he found enough damnable souls in southern California to occupy ALL of his time. Perhaps the head-spinning decline of the Dallas Cowboys was too much to bear. Perhaps he decided to step away and simply let the legend grow. Perhaps someone made a deal with the devil and won.
At any rate, the TZ has become a much brighter place since PoH went into seclusion. However, the old-timers still remember El Diablo’s infamous rants, double-edged takes and frightful undertones.
BEST EXAMPLE OF BROADCASTER HELL
Holly
Classic take on what it would be like if Rockets announcer Gene Peterson joined Milo Hamilton on the Astros play-by-play…
“Scratching-adjusting-fixing-the-hat-fixing-the-hat-fixing-the-hat, stepping-into-the-box, bouncing-kicking-digging-in-the- dirt-digging-in-the-dirt,tapping-the-bat-twisting-turning-taking-a-practice-swing *pause* he swings and… (Milo cuts in) ‘There’s aaaaaa SMASH down the left-field line’ (back to Gene) Bogar rounds third and SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORES!”
BEST SLAM OF A ZONE LEGEND
Jim R
Epic backhanded slam that occurred when TxRascal was being a smart-ass at the expense of pravata and Astrobabe’s over-explanation of their previous takes as “satire”…
TxRascal: “Is that the funny little guy with the goat’s butt and with horns on his head who frolics around eatin’ grapes and drinking wine?…”
Jim R: “no, the guy you’re describing is something Zipp, except it is cheese dip and girlie beers.”
Andyzipp: “Don’t make me gore you, old man…”
MOST UNIQUE PLAYER REQUEST
Paul G
Prior to the start of a May 19 showdown between the Plumber and Shane Reynolds on the west coast, Paul G posted the following open letter to the Astros ace:
Mr. Reynolds,
You don’t know me, well actually we met before in Harker Heights, Tx., but anyway…please, please, please pitch your ASS off tonight. There a people around (I will not name names) who question your ability to lead the team into victory. They think you are not ace material, no matter how well you pitch. Some say you give up too many hits, others argue (I was one of them) that you give up too many HR’s with 2 strikes, and still others think that you are lucky because of the run support you receive. You have exorcised the demons of pitching in Florida this year. You have not pitched well in the Ravine, please buckle down and shut Team Meltdown out. Every once in a while, buzz guys like Sheffield and Mondesi up and in. Take the inside part of the plate away. Keep your pitches down in the strike zone. And please do not give that freakin’ worthless piece of shit excuse for a ROY, Todd Notworthadamn, anything to hit. Forget the fact that The Plumber is on the hill for them, you cannot do anything about that. Pray the offense lays off those damn low and away sliders. You need to keep pace with Cy Lima, and Hambone is really pitching well. The national media is shirking the ‘Stros once again, and beating Brown tonight would alleviate that disrespect. I will make the sacrifices necessary to ensure a victory. Just like when you almost had a no-no. I will dance around the house nekkid, with only a hand made Reynolds’ cap on (with the same kind of marker Lima uses). I imported several candles from Bastrop and they will be burning bright. I will make snow angels in the sand and my diet will consist of nothing but crawdads, shrimp etouffette, and Cajun rice today. The rag doll I made of Gus himself will be burning in the pyre I spend the entire day erecting. I have also acquired an authentic piece of The Plumber’s hair and will bury it in the backyard. I also have an earring worn by Gary Sheffield that I will freeze today. I will also remove a certain person’s ASS from my computer. I am going to watch Blaze over and over again today. Please Mr. Reynolds, more rests on this game than a win. My entire existence will be validated if you can win, nay, dominate LA tonight. I will be complete and my humanness will be whole. I implore you, pitch like a motherf#[email protected] tonight.
Thank You Sir,
Paul
MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR
IceRay
After Gilla referred to Astros play-by-play announcer Milo Hamilton as a “hall of fame shill” and made disparaging comments about his broadcasting style after Milo was hospitalized with chest pains during a road trip to Philadelphia last August, IceRay had had enough…
“YOU FREAKIN IDIOT, I’LL PERSONALLY COME OVER AND PUT A FOOT UP YOUR BEHIND!! HALL OF FAME SHILL?
?? TIME HAS PASSED??? HOMER ANNOUNCER… THAT IS THE LAST STRAW. MAN YOU KNOW HOW TO TICK ME OFF! YOU ARE A PUKE, PURE AND SIMPLE. DON’T EVER SET FOOT INSIDE THE TZ AGAIN…….”
Hoooooly Toledo! That IceRay’s rougher’n a cob!
MOST COLD-BLOODED TAKE OF THE YEAR
Prince of Heck
The dark one’s response last summer to Zone-dwellers who wondered why he wouldn’t make an appearance at the official Cubs website forum to flame the previously outspoken Chicago faithful after the Astros beat the living hell out of the Cubs in three straight at Wrigley, sweeping them right out of the ’98 Central race…
“Better to let them wallow in the filthy pool of their own humility and embarrassment.”
FIRST CONFIRMED APPEARANCE BY A DEITY IN THE TZ
Thor
Another classic on the subject of (what else) Dave Clark’s horrible 1998…
“By my father’s beard, I wouldst risk the gaping jaws of the world-devourer Jormungand ere I pinch-hit with the mortal known to Midgaard as Dave Clark. Verily I say to thee, the finest bat hewn from the ash of the World Tree itself would naught but strike the wind in the hands of he. A mighty breeze, no doubt, that mayhap dwarf the mightiest storm created by mine own hand.”
Tajstah put the icing on the cake with this response to the Thunder God’s epic take…
“Thor you totally rip dude! Where did you learn how to talk like an Egyptian?”
BEST PC MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR
Michael N
In the wake of the Drayton McLane/Telemundo flap in June everyone got a little touchy. After Andyzipp (mistakenly) assumed that Paul G’s wife was Hispanic and as a result, Paul should definitely know the difference between a “real” gordita and that crap Taco Bell serves, the normally reserved Michael N could no longer remain “above the fray”…
“… because Paul is supposedly married to a Latina, he should therefore know what an authentic Gordita is? Why is this? Because Latina wives should be confined to the kitchen making authentic foods of their ethnic origin while remaining submissive to their Gringo husbands?
I am offended for Paul’s wife and all Latinas. Andyzipp is obviously insensitive and a Neanderthal. All people of conscience should boycott Zipper Flap and it is possible, if highly unlikely, that he will be banned from AstrosConnection as it is clear that he is akin to Marge Schott and Al Campanis.”
BEST REACTION AFTER AN OVERLORD SIGHTING
Paul G
Shortly after the TZOL laid waste to several idiot takes by a misguided Indians fan, Paul G played the role of shirtless trailer-park resident…
“Well, I wuz jus sittn’ over yonder, minin’ my bizness, when I heard a loud ruckuss of some sort. this thang jus camea sweepin’ down on us, whooosh!”
BEST COP-OUT OF THE YEAR
Curly
After demanding that Michael N and Ray K generate statistics to illustrate that Holt’s ’99 losses could be attributed primarily to fielding errors, Curly was informed by Holly that he should be able to get the answers himself with a calculator and a web browser. His excuse…
“I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express like some others in here today… and I am dodging a VP all day, so I am in Stealth Mode and must adhere to my hit and run style”
CHASING HISTORY: THE RACE FOR 300
Various
While most of the nation was caught up in McGwire’s chase for Maris’ home run record, the real news, as usual, was being made here at AstrosConnection. Here are a few selected takes by the TZ crowd while Scott was on his quest to set the all-time single season meatball sandwich record in 1998…
“I had informed the major media outlets earlier this season that I didn’t want to discuss the record till I had 250 in September. But all the cards and letters from the kids have driven me to address the hallowed mark of 299 long held by none other than the ever-girthy king of crass – Babe Ruth. Do I think it can be broken? Who knows, I’m just happy to be here. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and hope for the best. However, we have had to stop the after-sandwich punch-in-the-gut (a la McGwire) for obvious reasons. Fans should beware of any memorabilia from the record chase that isn’t genuine (forged signatures on Pepto Bismol bottles, etc.). No word yet from Fox on whether they’ll pick up live coverage if it gets close.” – Scott
“Any death threats? Many fans feel that this has always been ‘The Babe’s’ record. Scott, have you ever promised to eat a meatball sandwich for a dying kid? Ever “called” a meatball sandwich? I, for one, don’t think expansion has diminished this feat at all.” – David in Jackson
“I think you can’t compare the meatball sandwich records of yesteryear to any accomplished today. The meatballs Babe Ruth ate were hard to chew and digest because they were very dry. Today’s meatballs are JUICED!” – Jay P
“While Maalox is available over the counter nationwide, and isn’t banned by league rules, I think Scott should consider that the long-term effects of massive Maalox consumption haven’t been fully studied. Now, it’s his body, and he can do to it what he wants, but he really should consider all the kids out there – do we really want every high-school kid learning that it’s okay to swig Maalox like it was Cherry Coke? I think Scott should make a principled stand, accept his responsibilities as a role model, and announce that he will no longer use Maalox.” – Tom S
“You can’t take away what Scott has accomplished. He would have eaten 300 with or without the antacids. Hell, look what he did in his rookie year.” – dwalt
“Baseball commissioner Bud ‘I’m also a client’ Selig, in a move reminiscent of the late Ford Frick, has announced that while Scott’s pursuit of this long standing hallmark of the game is noble and exciting, there should be an asterisk placed next to his final numbers based on the following areas of concern:
a) The Babe consumed his 299 (possibly 300) in a 154-game season. Also the Babe was drunk the entire year, making consumption of the aforementioned sandwiches all the more difficult.
b) The unauthorized use of antacids, which besides bromo, were unavailable to the Babe. While it has not been confirmed whether or not Scott has used anabolic antacids, it has been widely suspected for the course of the year.
c) Expansion has diluted the level of meatball sandwich from Babe’s day. Much like pitching, there’s just not enough sauce to go around. Representatives from Subway and Blimpies had no comment.
d) There is also the question of what a meatball sandwich is today versus a meatball sandwich in the Babe’s day. Babe set his record during the great depression. Evidently what he was calling a meatball sandwich was actually leather shoe tongues with spicy red sauce and asbestos (they used to put asbestos in everything).
Commissioner Selig noted that, ‘While we in no way mean to diminish the incredible performance of Scott this year, we want it noted that his conditions in achieving this feat were different. Also, we think he is some sort of freak.'” – Andyzipp
MOST DISGUSTING TAKE OF THE YEAR
Lug
During an animated discussion on which beer is the best to drink while watching an Astros game on TV, Andyzipp indicated that he was partial to the Shiner family of beers but also said that “crappy” beer like Pearl and Pearl Light tasted better when the Astros were winning. Lug’s response…
“Good god. Please tell me you’ve never willingly put a Pearl to your lips? I’d rather drink Klesko’s bathwater!”
While it remains unconfirmed whether or not the Donut Truck bathes at all, Lug’s take does provide valuable insight as to how bad Pearl really is.
BEST SLAM OF CASUAL FANS
Warren A
Classic take during another discussion of why the American League sucks and how home-run madness has contributed to the demise of the educated baseball fan…
“If these so called ‘baseball fans’ are not intelligent enough to pay attention to something besides a 10-second sound-byte of a homer with some idiot, melodramatic announcer (probably a younger generation Buck or Caray) screaming into the microphone, let them go and watch another highlight of Michael Jordan traveling, pushing someone out of the way and making a jump shot with Ahmad Rashad’s lips plastered to his buttcheeks and listen to Bob Costas call him a God in the process! Leave this game to people who are smart enough to appreciate the nuances which make it the best game on Earth!”
MOST METICULOUS SLAM EVER WITNESSED IN THE TZ
JB
JB threw the book at hugh mungus after several days of salary arbitration-related flaming prior to the start of the 1999 season…
“The famous U.S. Supreme Court case of Buck v. Bell, decided in 1927, is often cited as an example of embarrassing excess in American jurisprudence. Every once in a while, however, I encounter an individual like Hugh Mungus that causes me to dust off the old law books, and ask whether Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes might not have had a point when he wrote:
It is better for all the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind. . . . Three generations of imbeciles are enough.’
Buck v. Bell, 274 U.S. 200, 207 (1927).
(1) Hugh, you’re a liar. You claim Ray and Michael made comments about Rick Helling and Jose Lima, but you can’t produce those comments.
(2) You’re also intellectually dishonest. You have ranted and raved about the importance of ERA and trends. I answered your claim in a post on Monday at 3:51 PM. You have yet to answer, so I’ll repeat it here:
Your “scientific approach to talent” using “the real stat” tells us that after the 1995 season we should have released Shane Reynolds (’92-7.11, ’93-0.82, ’94-3.05 ’95-3.47) and tried to pick up Pat Rapp (’92-7.20, ’93-4.02, ’94-3.85 ’95-3.44). They ended 1995 with virtually identical ERAs and Reynolds was on the way up, while Rapp was on the way down. Rapp had just gone 14-7 while Reynolds only managed 10-11. Hmmmmm. Wonder what happened in 1996?
Reynolds went 16-10 (despite his ERA again rising, this time to 3.65) and Rapp went 8-16 with an ERA of 5.10. Rapp would not reach double digits again until this past season when he lumbered to a 12-13 record with a 5.30 ERA.’
(3) You’re a hypocritical jerk. You complain that others cannot read or write, yet you are fundamentally incapable of using proper grammar or even the shift key on your computer. The lofty battleground on which you defend your superior intellect is your 1/19 11:11 AM post:
“yes- i claim ‘explored’ to be a synonym for ‘pursued,’ because it IS, you idiot and moron!”
Roget’s II lists the following synonyms for “pursue”: chase, run after, follow, lead, court, practice. It lists these synonyms for “explore”: delve (into), dig (into), inquire (into), investigate, look into, probe, reconnoiter, scout. I guess that Mr. Roget, like Ray K, is just an “idiot and moron.”
I am tired of you, your ad hominem attacks, and your bullshit masquerading as science and analytical reasoning. If there is a God in Heaven, the Overlord will spare us your annoying, shrill little tantrums.
Justice Holmes had a point after all.”
Yep, this take had all the elements we look for in a huge slam… smack, legal precedent, eugenicist rhetoric, grammar correction, name-calling, Latin phrases, use of the opponent’s own post against them, evoking the name of the Overlord, the ability to create a week’s worth of backlash, and of course, statistics.
Perhaps the best part of this whole diatribe was the follow-up post by Cortez… “…one should expect thus from a B&B attorney. Can you bill Hugh for the time it took to write it?”
MOST OCCURANCES OF THE WORD “ASS” IN A SINGLE TAKE
Junior
13, in the first posting of Junior’s brief stint into the TalkZone last September. However, the term “Orange Whoopass” was coined during that particular take, so all was not lost.
BEST USE OF A SEARCH ENGINE
Prince of Heck
When a number of Zone-dwellers were wasting time discussing how they originally found Kev & Scott’s AstrosConnection, we found PoH’s take to be the most interesting…
“I did a keywords search on Yahoo for:
lost+souls+eternal+damnation+pergatory+lynch+scott+boras+argue+with+michael+n.+
statistical+alien+tom+s.+waste+time+at+work'”
MOST HEADSPINNING CHANGE OF SUBJECT
Various
While not the longest thread in TZ history (those are usually reserved for discussions about beer or OPS), the events recorded on 1/20 – 1/22/99 offer a perfect example of how out-of-control a TZ conversation can get. It started simply enough, with JR commenting about how well Eusebio handles the bat and could any of the Zone-dwellers give him some info about the 1999 Astros FanFest. This launched an epic thread which included hugh mungus running Sherman Antitrust smack while stating that JB was a “threat to decent people everywhere”, No? in H-Town waxing on about Shiner Bock, Ray K quoting Exodus, Holly delivering a philosophical take on cultural evolution, Andyzipp’s admission that he has a “bad goatee”, and everyone’s views on slavery before the Overlord swept down and blasted the whole thing into oblivion.
Eons from now, when scholars begin to uncover the mysteries of the Kev & Scott phenomenon, we believe that this thread in particular will prove instrumental in proving once and for all what kind of whack individuals once inhabited the confines of the legendary TalkZone.
BEST HOLIDAY SENTIMENT
Luis Pujols
Luis Pujols chimed in during the aftermath of the Hunsicker/Team Bastard/Clemens meltdown with the following merry take on Christmas Day last year…
“Speaking of gifts.. I’m sure the Bitch that Stole Christmas was pissed when he didn’t find 24 million bones and Hunsicker’s severed head under the tree…”
Fa la la la la la la la la!
BEST TZ RIVALRIES
Various
The TZ has been the setting for quite a few “grudge matches” over the past year. Here were our favorites…
Ray K vs. chester/nostra/hugh/plexed
JB vs. chester/nostra/hugh/plexed
Michael N vs. Landestoy
Andyzipp vs. AstrosGuy
Astro Pete vs. The Iranian Stros Fan
Alkie vs. any of about 12 different frontrunning, flamethrowing idiot opposing fans
BEST SLAM OF FRONTRUNNING IDIOTS
Holly
As a parade of idiots crashed the Zone upon Clemens’ signing with the Yankees…
“And now, as has already been prominently exemplified, the boorish (dare I say it? … sure) football-like fans (and I hesitate to use the word “fan”) come storming in, hiding behind a permanently-stuck capslock key (hrm… what could possibly be down in a keyboard that makes it sticky? hint — think one-handed typing) and a glaring lack of email address to proclaim their unoriginal, hyperbolic “facts” in a decidedly junior-high-like vocabulary.
The class of these (Bronx) Zoo wannabes shines like a turd under a black light. Those who would play the entire season out, before Spring Training has even begun, are displaying an amazing lack of many attributes generally associated with creatures on the higher end of the food chain…
…to those who would do nothing better than run in, shout, and then hide in the corner — you are nothing more than a sniveling, shaky Chihuahua of a person, most likely practically evacuating your bladder all over, in the excitement of the moment when your parents are far enough away that you can quickly fire off a series of exclamation points and words you saw on Cinemax last night (when the folks decided to let you stay up past 9 pm).”
FASTEST ENDING TO A TRIVIA CONTEST IN TZ HISTORY
Edwards
Andyzipp set an all-time record for trivia question futility when Edwards swept in and busted the ass of the following question in less than one minute …
Andyzipp (11:32 a.m.): “What pitcher went 6 years between his Major League debut and his second appearance in the Show. He was 21 when he made his reemergence… ”
Edwards (11:32 a.m.): “Joe Nuxall in the 1940s.”
Andyzipp: “Damn!”
MOST HYPOCRITICAL POST OF THE YEAR
scott nelson
Less than a month after getting run by the Overlord for posting surf conditions on the TZ, scott nelson let loose with this gem during the ’98 offseason after yet another Aggie/Longhorn football debate broke out…
“Listen, I know most of ya’ll were too slow to go to a private school with actual admissions criteria, but could you at least stick to Astros talk only. This is not an all sports chat room. Most people don’t care about your pathetic little football rivalry.”
…which begged for this slam by The Netanyahu of Death…
“Giddings State Correctional School isn’t exactly a private school, so I wouldn’t brag about it… take your policing somewhere else, you mindless troll…”
BEST INSULT OF THE DODGERS AND CARDINALS IN THE SAME TAKE
No? in H-Town
No? in H-Town offered the following diplomatic advice to LA manager Davey Johnson after pitcher Kevin Brown beat the hell out of a toilet with a bat because someone else in the Dodger clubhouse had flushed it and scalded his ass while he was in the shower, thus creating even more controversy in camp …
“Bat him eighth and move Beltre down to ninth. Hey, it works in St. Louis… it would be a ‘genius’ move! All you’d have to do is tell Brown that he baseballs are made by American Standard and not Rawlings.”
BEST DAVE CLARK SLAM OF THE YEAR
Paul G
Even while providing an apparently unrelated explanation to das why Kevin Brown earned the nickname “The Plumber” (see above), Paul G was still able to deliver a classic slam on the hapless ex-Stro…
“Dave Clark tried this also, but hit just .111 against the toilet. Some things never change.”
BEST FOIL FOR MICHAEL N
Paul G
Even more irritating to the TZ Legend than Landestoy, Paul G relentlessly tests the “master”, often bringing him into the fray he so adamantly tries to stay above. The fearless hosts fully support Paul G in his continued efforts, as his tenacity has sometimes resulted in Minor Opinions columns actually being submitted on time.
BEST TAKE ON THE ALUMINUM BAT ISSUE
pravata
“Aluminum is a metal with high flexibility and median tensile strength. It is a metal which is best used as siding on houses.”
BEST IMPRESSION OF JOSE LIMA
No? in H-Town
One day this spring when Andyzipp was providing Astros/Yankees play-by-play in the TZ for everyone who didn’t have access to the actual broadcast, No? in H-Town provided the color commentary… as El Loco.
AZ: “Jim Bruski pitching for the Yankees”
Lima: “I hay dat guy maign, las jeer again dee Dou-jers hee peetch too goo. I hay dat.”
AZ: “Ryan Thompson (1-1) pinch hitting for the 9 hole doubles over the left fielder’s head…”
Lima: “ATTA BABEEEE Ryan! Ju da maign… wash out for dis guy Andee. Yerry really lie heem when hee wuz wif dee Met”
AZ: “Bill Spiers (1-2) walks on four straight pitches…”
Lima: “ATTA BABEEE Billy! Ju da maign… hee ees dee bes Andy, jus dee bess. If I wuz managing, I call for doble steel, no? C’mon now, you can’t play lie a vieja…”
AZ: “Richard Hidalgo (0-0) pinch hitting for Bell, fouls out to the first baseman, Bellinger…”
Lima: “OH MY GAWD!! Ees alright Reechar, no problem my maign. Gawd almigty Andee, hee haf a chance der to heet id a long way, hee jus miss… ees okay tho… we okay…”
AZ: “Jack Howell (0-3) hits into a fielders choice, Thompson to third, Spiers (breaking up the double play) out at second, Howell on first…”
Lima: “AYYYYYEEE! Ees okay, Yak is heeding bery gud dees spring. He cuming bac from a wris dat ees bad… ees okay maign… ah leest he no get doubled, eh?”
AZ: “Carl Everett (1-3) hits a broken bat Texas Leaguer into shallow right, scores Thompson, Howell to third…”
Lima: “JAHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Maign, Eberett ees gud, no? Ju da maign Carl”
AZ: “Everett steals 2nd…”
Lima: “Ju no Andee, Eusebio could steel second tu. I no keeding maign… sheck me out, ju see”
AZ: “His Clarkness (0-3) strikes out meekly, but hey, at least he’ll inherit the earth…”
Lima: “Ay no say nuthing anymore Andee…”
AZ: “1 run, 2 hits, 2 men left. Yankees 1 4 0, Astros 3 7 1
Lima: “Die ju Janquis! Maign I mees Alou… ju want to samba Andee?”
MOST CHILLING PREDICTIONS
Andyzipp
Yet another epic take from zipperhead.aggie.com during the ’98 offseason (EDITOR’S NOTE: best enjoyed while envisioning Conan O’Brien’s “In The Year 2000” skit).
“Ken Griffey, Jr. will simultaneously gripe about the Mariners ownership while proclaiming not to be a home run hitter.
Carlos Perez will divorce his glove after giving up a home run to Sammy Sosa, citing “irreconcilable differences” after a thorough conversation with the glove.
Gary Sheffield will cry into his pillow each night because he can’t play with his good friend, Bobby Bonilla, until the Dodgers throw another couple of million dollars at him, just to shut him up. He’ll also demand they buy him some new pillows.
Larry Walker will claim that the Astrodome is the center of hell after going 0-12 in a 3 game series in Houston. To combat this, he’ll attempt to bring in that chick that plays Buffy the Vampire Slayer to protect him until Nefi Perez informs him that “television isn’t real life.”
Dante Bichette will explode at a Shakey’s Pizza Buffet in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Billy Wagner will astound observers by learning 13 new pitches in the offseason. Despite having an ERA of 0.09, after giving up a single to Tom Selleck on a reverse knuckle curve in the last Spring Training game against the Tigers, he loses all confidence in any other pitches. He cites what happened to Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn in “Major League 2” as a reason not to get beat with anything but his best pitch.
The Los Angeles Dodgers will set a record by having a $90 million dollar payroll. This will be not only the highest payroll in history, it will also turn out to be the most paid for a .500 team, knocking the Baltimore Orioles out of the top slot.
Gary Gaetti will be “honorary captain” of the next Shuttle Mission in May (about the same time the Cubs are mathmatically eliminated) because, according to NASA, “he’s the only living American older than John Glenn. Besides, sending primates into space has a long and cherished tradition in the American space program.”
Jose Offerman will reward the Boston Red Sox on their decision by concentrating on defense at least one of the 4 years of his guaranteed contract. It won’t be in 1999 however, as he commits 2 errors for each million the Bosox are paying him until 2002.
Dennis Liborio will “accidently” lose Craig Biggio’s batting helmet to avoid a Harris County health code violation.
Gerry Hunsicker will obtain Roger Clemens from the Toronto Blue Jays for Sean Bergman, Russ Johnson and Daryle Ward. In a press conference, Gord Ash will say, “I knew once Roger demanded the trade, we’d lose some of our bargaining power, but when I picked up the video phone to Houston, Gerry asked me to stare at his watch. The next thing I know, I’m signing the papers. Also, I don’t smoke anymore and anytime I hear the phrase ‘play hardball’, I take off all of my clothes. But we’re pleased with the quality of players we received.”
Jim Leyritz will visit the Field Museum of Natural History while on a road swing in Chicago and break down in tears when he sees a display of cavemen trying to make fire. He’s effectively lost for the remainder of the season.
Ryan Klesko will have a cruel prank played on him when his teammates glue their own body hair trimmings onto his horrible mustache while he’s sleeping. Klesko gets excited for more than three months that he can actually grow facial hair for the first time in 28 years, especially hair so thick and curly. The excitement ends when he takes his annual August shower and the hair, and his dream, runs down the drain.
Mike Piazza will be quite chagrined when he finds out that in a National Poll, he’s voted only the 3rd favorite Pert Shampoo Girl behind Summer Sanders and Hunter Tylo. His response, “Dude, I’ve got jungle karma…dude…”
Casey Canadele will challenge Fernando Vina to a steel cage death match to determine once and for all who the most pip-squeaky second baseman of all time is. Eddie Gaedel is all set to be the special guest referee when it’s determined that Vina wears lifts in his shoes and isn’t tall enough for the insurance to cover the battle.
Albert Belle will not be pleased with Albert Belle’s contract. Albert Belle will talk Albert Belle into holding out until Albert Belle’s 3 month old contract is renegotiated. After all, Albert Belle cannot be penalized for fluctuations in the market or by a decision that Albert Belle made 3 months ago. Albert Belle must command market value for Albert Belle’s services. All 30 major league teams claim they cannot afford more than 1 Albert Belle on their team. Albert Belle pleads confusion to this statement.
Andres “El viejo, gordo gato” Galarraga will again charge the mound when plunked by a pitch. Unfortunately, it’ll be during the Braves annual Father-Son game. Greg Maddux’s daughter escapes with minor injuries.
Bobby Cox will finally get long time friend and employee Leo Mazzone some sort of help for that uncontrollable rocking he does during games, by switching to decaffinated coffee during games and cutting the Fruity Pebbles out of the pre-game spread.
God appears to Chip Carey on a tortilla on Michigan Avenue in Chicago and politely suggests to him that, “your blatant disregard for the 1st Commandment (thou shall have no other gods before me) in regards to the Bud Man isn’t going over real well upstairs, if you get my drift…” Carey reports God appearing to him as a sign that the Cubs are meant to win it all in 1999.
Kevin Brown is tried and sentenced as a witch during a trip to the Massachusetts area. It is determined that he weighs more than a duck, so he must be burned. He is released before the actual burning, when he is deemed a “cell-block cancer” in response to fellow witches complaints about his attitude.
Eric Karros finally stops wearing his baseball cap like a junior-high football coach. Raul Mondesi does not. The personality clashes on the Dodgers grow deeper.
Marge “Adolf” Schott sells controlling interest of the Cincinnatti Reds to smut-peddler and invalid Larry Flynt. Flynt institutes several new policies including porn theme music played instead of organ music, an all-bisexual players policy and a public execution night for Schottsie II. The players still aren’t allowed to have facial hair, to which Pete Harnisch responds, “In a lot of ways, this organization was better run when Adolf was in charge.”
After Terry Collins climbs on top of a table to hurl insults at his players for not being intense enough, newly acquired Mo Vaughn proceeds to snap Collins in two. “Halfy” Collins manages the Angels to yet another 2nd place finish. He’s replaced by the end of the season. The Anaheim search committee is determined to find a candidate who is a complete man.
Someone will finally think to have Moises Alou’s eyesight checked. Before the eye exam, 4 outfield errors in 50 chances. After the eye exam, none. Alou demands to have his eye-exams paid for by the club. When informed that they already were paying for them, and any other medical ailment he had, he demands to be traded. The Astros give him another million per year to keep him quiet.
After starting the season 20-30, Tony LaRussa will start using a super-secret “reverse” batting order, with the pitcher batting first. LaRussa, when asked to explain his strategy, exclaims, “I am the smartest man in all the land. Bow before me and worship the sheer power of my intellect!!!” Peter Gammons’ head will explode trying to explain why this will enable the Cardinals to catch the Astros.”
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
No? in H-Town
No? in H-Town takes the first-ever Rookie of the Year award amidst stiff competition in a record-setting year for TZ. A well-known refugee from the tired HSA board, No? made an immediate impact on the ballclub, delivering inside information, strong smack-running ability, a consistent perspective, and not too much Rome overkill (still got to break this guy from signing off with “Late”). Huge year for a BBS veteran new to the TZ.
HONORABLE MENTION: Paul G, Holly, pravata
There is a tie for “Take of the Year”…
TAKE OF THE YEAR (1)
Andyzipp
On a particularly slow day during the offseason, after heated debates on the definition of a “gamer” and the Astros’ need for an emotional leader, Wild Dog threw out the following trivia question: “Who is the only player to ever pinch-hit for Ted Williams?” Andyzipp’s response ….
“Gary Gaetti…I hear he was a gamer back in the 40’s.
Evidently, many of the Red Sox fans felt Williams was too laid back in 1947, not emotional enough. They wanted a sparkplug… some schlub who would walk into the clubhouse and say (emotionally)…’You guys are horrible pieces of bat guano!!! I will carry you on my broad shoulders to the promised land!!! And you’re all ugly and not nearly the gamer I am!!! Bring me your finest meats and cheeses in return for my emotional leadership!!!’ (The triple exclamination points signify three times the emotion of the average player.)
Ol’ Ted was into that whole leading by example thing and exuded quiet leadership. ‘Surely a team of 9 Ted Williams’s would be the worst baseball team in the land,’ New Englanders thought aloud. ‘They’d be far too quiet, and they have no World Series experience!!! Not near enough emotion. Why, they’ve never even yelled at their teammates for having injuries. Also, all nine would be in right field and none of them could pitch…’
‘We have to have someone who’ll come in and shoot off their mouth and if we have to sit Ted Williams, by gum we’ll do it.’
The fans originally wanted Joe Namath, but he hadn’t been born yet, so he probably didn’t know what it took to get to ‘the big game’. Plus he didn’t play baseball.
Many suggested replacing him with Babe Ruth, who had a lot more World Series experience than any of the Red Sox players. But he was spending his summers in an iron lung at that point and the Red Sox couldn’t afford the attendants to push him around the bases (curiously, when they did a trial run, they were faster than the healthy Babe Ruth ever was).
So at that point the Red Sox turned to 7th year pro Gary ‘Homo-Erectus’ Gaetti. Known for being a gamer, he strode up to the Splendid Splinter and boasted, ‘Uhhhhhhhh. I’m gonna take it one game at a time. Uhhhhhhhh… see my pitch and hit it. And I’m gonna try to hit it where they ain’t.’ Williams was so taken aback at this outpouring of pure leadership… of pure gaminess… sorry gamerness that he fainted and hit his head on the Babe’s iron lung. Gaetti was sent in to pitch hit for the Red Sox’ unemotional, boring right fielder to face the Senators pitcher, L.N. Destoy with the bases loaded.
Destoy was so overcome by the shear gamerness of the emotional pinch-hitting Gaetti that he hit ‘Homo-Erectus’ in the knee, knocking off his kneecap. As Gaetti screamed like a teenage girl watching Psycho for the first time, he fell down and hit his Romanesque nose on homeplate, breaking it in five separate places (a new record) and “driving” the winning run in.
All Destoy had to say was, ‘Well he may have been a gamer last year, but all he did was get a base on balls from me. I could tell, however that he was more emotional than Ted Williams…Ted Williams would have never screamed that way…'”
TAKE OF THE YEAR (2)
Andyzipp
Last Christmas, while many Zone-dwellers had visions of Clemens dancing through their heads, Andyzipp’s effort to put the holiday season back in perspective became somewhat skewed…
“A reading from the Book of Zipp, Chapter 2, 1-21: A Christmas Miracle.
(Loosely adapted from the book of Luke. Which just goes to prove you can find anything you want to in the Bible, if you look hard enough.)
1. And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree from Gordon Ash, that all the world should be taxed. 2. ([And] this taxing was first made when Beeston was owner of the Jays.) 3. And all teams went to be taxed, every one gutting his own city. 4. And Gerry also went up from Houston, out of the state of Texas, unto the city of Rednecks and NASCAR, which is called Nashville; (because he was of the house and lineage of Drayton.) 5. To be taxed with Drayton, his espoused owner, being great with delusions of Clemens. 6. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that Drayton should be negotiating. 7. And he wanted to bring forth his home-town pitcher, and wrap him in swaddling currency, and lay him in an eighth wonder; because there was no room for them in the BUS. 8. And there were in the same state (and surrounding ones) Zone-dwellers abiding on the net, keeping watch over their posts, and those of their neighbors, by day and night. 9. And, lo, the agent of the Clemens came upon them and the glory of the Clemens shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. 10. And the agent said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great income, which shall be to all people, at great cost. 11. For unto you can be delivered this day in the city of Ryan, a saviour, which is Clemens the ace. 12. And this (shall be) a sign unto you; Ye shall find the bonus-baby wrapped in swaddling currency, lying in a dome to the north. 13. And suddenly there was was with the agent a multitude of players union reps and future free agents praising God, and saying, 14. Glory to Hendricks in the highest, and in Houston, peace, and 43.5 million dollars for 3 years toward Clemens. 15. And it came to pass, as the agents were gone away from them into Leer Jets, the Zone-dwellers said to one another, Let us now go even unto Houston, and see this thing which is come to pitch, which has cost us good players and lots of money, that the TALK ZONE has made known to us. 16. And they came with haste and found Drayton, and Gerry and the ace toeing on the rubber. 17. And when they had seen (it), they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this pitcher. 18. And all they that heard (it) wondered about all the freaking players we gave up and all the contractual conditions, things which were told to them by the Zone-dwellers. 19. But Drayton kept all these things, and pondered [them] in his heart. 20. And the Zone-dwellers returned, shaking their heads, glorifying and praising Drayton and Gerry for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told to them, was untrue. 21. Gerry had delivered the ace for Bell and Bergman.”
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
1999 TALK ZONE MVP
Andyzipp
McGwire, Elway, Jordan… Zipp. In perhaps the greatest year-long performance ever seen on any message board, TZ Legend Andyzipp flat-out dominated. From classic bouts with arch-villain AstrosGuy (the original, evil version) to the epic, whacked-out takes that forced the creation of Zipper Flap, he raised the bar in the AZ, errr… TZ, and along with newly-crowned Legend Ray K, made the competition for quality takes extremely difficult.
Who would’ve thought that someone whose first memorable take was “Sean Berry is the best cleanup hitter we’ve seen since Franklin Stubbs” could possibly reach the lofty heights of TZ immortality? Over the past year, we’ve been subjected to his sarcastic wit, huge slams, useless pop-culture knowledge, ridiculous tales, long-ass takes, Clark-dialect, alleged death, alleged retirement, mysterious disappearances and of course the Great Experiment prior to the 1999 season. His far-reaching twisted influence can be seen in the work of rookie dwellers, and even the fearless hosts themselves. Zone-dwellers, this is your undisputed champion and 1999 KING OF THE ZONE.