After an absolutely dismal start to the season, The Good Guys started June by ripping off five wins in six tries against the decidedly mediocre Nationals and the decidedly they can go fuck themselves Cubs. Now the Astros hit the road, starting with four games against a just slightly above .500 Rockies team that has stuggled offensively in the last few weeks. Recipe for some Astros wins? Possible. Recipe for Rocky Mountain Oysters? Absolutely.

Coors Field

Monday June 7, 7:40pm FSH-HD

Tuesday June 8, 7:40pm FSH-HD

Wednesday June 9, 7:40pm FSH-HD

Thursday June 10, 2:10pm FSH-No HD for you!

Projected Matchups From Astros.com

Monday

Wandy Rodriguez (3-7, 5.07) vs. Jason Hammel (2-3, 6.09)

Wandy has really scuffled this season, but he put together a really nice (albeit short) outing against the Nats last week, throwing 5 innings of one run baseball. He struck out 8 and walked 3 while scattering 5 hits. That’s the good news.

The Bad news? The Rocks sport a team .329 batting average against Wandy, with Todd Helton (11-22), Ryan Spilborghs (5-13), and Ian Stewart (2-5) doing most of the damage. Brad Hawpe is 4-21 against him, but 2 of those 4 are homers. My suggestion? Pitch around Todd Helton at all costs.

Jason Hammel’s Prince Fielder-sized ERA is a bit misleading, as he’s had several good starts in a row since he came off the DL in early May.

Fear not though, because the Astros… Aren’t so great against him. A team .275 average is greatly boosted by Michael (SW) Bourn’s 4 hits in seven at bats. In 41 times facing Hammels, current Astros have walked exactly one time. ONCE! That is fantastic. Nice work, Geoff Blum.

Tuesday

Brian Moehler (0-2, 6.49) vs. Jeff Francis (1-2, 3.70)

Moehler has been given the enviable position of keeping Bud Norris’s spot in the rotation warm until Bud gets back from the DL. Against the Nat’s last week, he went 5 2/3 while only giving up 2 runs. Not bad for back of the bullpen slop.

Mother of God… The Rockies hit Bri-bri to the tune of a .400 clip. Break out the crash helmets, gents. This one is gonna get ugly. The following people are hitting below .250 against Moehler: Miguel Olivo and Chris Ianetta. Yeah, that bad.

Jeff Francis is one season removed from shoulder surgery, and despite a pretty lackluster record, his ERA is looking pretty spiffy. I don’t know about you, but I can’t help but think of this every time I hear the name Jeff Francis.

And the even better news, the Astros hit like burros against Francis. The only guy with significant at bats aginst him is Feliz, who is sporting a meaty .244 average (10-41). Kabong (3-7) has hit him well in limited chances. Most of the team hasn’t even faced him before, so you know what that means.

Wednesday

Felipe Paulino (1-7, 4.01) vs. Aaron Cook (2-3, 5.00)

Paulino absolutely dominated the goddamn motherfucking Cubs in his last start, smashing their ugly faces for eight innings while only giving up one run. In my book, he’s a hero. If he wants to put it in cruise control for the rest of the year, I say he’s earned it.

Paulino, despite HORRIBLE numbers against the Rockies historically (from Astros.com: He faced the Rockies twice last year, going 0-1 with an 8.10 ERA. He’s 0-1 with a 6.19 ERA in three career starts against the Rockies, including 0-1 with a 15.75 ERA in his only start at Coors Field.), has done pretty well against their current hitters in limited numbers. Hawpe (4-6), Helton (2-6), and Tulowitzki (3-8) are the only ones that have done any damage other than Ian Stuart (1-2, with a homer).

Aaron Cook had a few bad outing early that blew up his ERA, and since has been plugging along giving up 3ish earned runs over 6ish innings. His out pitch is a really heavy sinker, but it is spottier than Sydney Crosby’s playoff beard.

Twinkie (7-19), Thunderpants (4-11), and Carlos Lee (4-14) round up the questionable success the Astros have had against Cook. In 107 at bats as a team, they’ve driven in seven runs against him to match their inspiring ZERO homers. Inspiring.

Thursday

TBA vs. Jhoulys Chacin (3-4, 3.77)

Well, I don’t think the Astros have any choice but to start Gustavo Chacin to counteract the Rockies “Family” Jhoulys Chacin. In all honestly, I don’t know who will start tonight. Even Astros.com isn’t predicting who might start for the Good Guys.

Jewels for the Rockies is a 22 year old with a lot of promise. in 43 innings, he’s struck out 45 to only 18 walks.

Great news, everyone! The Astros have exactly one AB versus Chacin. Pedro Feliz (0-1, K).

Super.

Notable Giveaways This Series

Tuesday you get a coupon for dollar hot dogs. Not actual dollar hot dogs, but a coupon for them. Not sure if that means in the ballpark or at the store.

Wednesday you get a coupon for a haircut at Great Clips.

Wow, go Rockies marketing department! I am BLOWN AWAY!

Ridiculous Fantasy Sports Injury List

Arias is doneski for the yearski.

Bud Norris is on the 15 Day DL, and nobody is sure exactly when he’ll be back. But don’t worry, Uncle Moehler has it covered until he’s back!

Chris Sampson just got a coritsone shot to help with bicep tendonitis. Hurry back Chris, Alkie is lonely.

Interesting Things to Look For

Go Astros! Keep the hot streak up, but don’t do it against Matty B!

This guy!

So yeah, like a schlub, I managed to completely drop the ball on the fact that I drew the short straw for the Rockies 2 game series currently going on. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it? Anyway, it’s probably for the better, since I can’t really muster any hate for the Rockies. As everyone that’s ever talked about baseball with any male member of the Raup family for more than five minutes knows, a high school teammate of mine is pitching out of the Rockies pen. That makes watching the Good Guys (and Bretty Myers) play even more painful than usual, as even the rare offensive explosion from the Astros can quickly take a turn for the worse if Matty comes in and gives up some runs. So, root for the ‘Stros and root for Matty B to pitch well and the relievers after him to blow it.

Anyway, here is a down and dirty series preview for you. I can’t promise to quality, but hey, what else is new?

Minute Maid Park

Wednesday May 19, 7:05pm FSH-HD

Thursday May 20, 7:05pm FSH-HD

Projected Matchups From Astros.com

Tuesday

Greg Smith (1-2, 6.35) v. Felipe Paulino (0-6, 5.72)

Well, this game already happened, so I won’t sit here and bullshit you about anything. Go read the recap about this game. I promise it is better than anything I would’ve written about it.

Wednesday

Ubaldo Jiminez (7-1, 1.12) v. Roy Oswalt (2-5, 2.62)

Ubaldo has been a bonafide badass so far this year. He has electric stuff, and pretty much is blowing away opposing hitters. He’s already tossed a no hitter (against the Bravos), and his two “bad” outings were seven innings of two run baseball. Yikes.

But there *IS* some good news. The Good Guys actually hit Ubaldo pretty well as a team, sporting a .313 BA against him. Blummer (6-15) leads the charge, but Twinkie (4-11), Bourn (3-10), Spaz (3-10), and most impressively Feliz (3-4 with a homer and 3 RBIs) all have had some success against him. Kabong (1-7) hasn’t done much against Jiminez though, and Kepp (0-3) has really scuffled in a small number of at bats.

Roy has been pitching like an ace so far this year, but hasn’t gotten any run support at all for the cavalacade of slapdicks and freaks we call an offense so far. Maybe things will turn around…. Yeah, and maybe I’m a Chinese jet pilot.

Roy has pretty much owned the Rockies with a few minor exceptions, as indicated by the team batting average of .228 . Melvin Mora and Seth Smith both are 2 of 4 against him, but other than that, things look pretty grim for Los Rockies. Ageless Helton has hit a few homers off Roy, but nobody else has done much.

Notable Giveaways This Series

Thursday: Hot Damn! A laptop sleeve. Hey Drayton/Pam, when your product on the field is fucking terrible, usually it’s a good idea to try and bribe people to come to the ballpark with something cool. Not a fucking laptop sleeve. Wow.

Obnoxious MLB.com Injury Report Page

Astros
Arias is still out for the year.

Byrdak has a strained hammy and is out until late May.

Rockies

Taylor Buchholz shredded a ligament in his elbow, but is due back in June.

Jorge De La Rosa, Melvin Mora, and Franklin Morales all may or may not be injured. Fuck you, MLB.com, for your awful Fantasy Injury report.

Greg Reynolds had bone chips in his elbow, but is scheduled to have a few rehab starts soon.

Huston Street had a setback in his rehab from shoulder tightness in mid-May. No schedule is set for him yet.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

Hell, don’t ask me. I can’t even remember which previews I’m supposed to write.

Anyway, Go Astros! And Go Matty Belisle! Sorry again for the lateness, and I promise my next preview will be full of hate and anger and not apologies for being a dumbass.

Remember that time when the Astros were terrible and everyone in the media was dogging them? Then remember how they climbed out of the cellar and ripped off eight wins in ten games and everyone pretended like they weren’t surprised? And then remember them getting absolutely crotch-kicked by the shit-ass Reds? That was awesome.

On the plus side, the Braves suck just as bad as the Astros do. They’re on a 1-9 skid at the moment, and hoping that some home-cooking against a team that’s just as awful as they are will turn this shitp around.

Turner Field

Friday, April 30, 6:35pm FSH-HD

Saturday May 1,  2:10pm BIG FOX

Sunday, May 2, 12:35 FSH-HD

Projected Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

Brett Myers (1-1, 3.81) v. Tommy Hanson (1-1, 2.14)

So far, Myers has been exactly what this rotation needs. A guy that will battle and eat some innings, and keep the club in the game if they can score a few runs. His last start, by the numbers, looked pretty awful. Brett gave up 11 hits over six innings, but managed to keep the damage to a minimum on the way to a win, only allowing two runs.

The Bravos sport a robust .339 batting average against Mr. Myers, which doesn’t bode well for the Good Guys. Chipper (12-35, 3 homers), McCann (12-33, 2 homers), McLouth (3-8, 2 homers), Matt Diaz (3-4),  and (who the fuck is) Martin Prado (3-3) have done most of the damage.

Tommy Hanson is one of 3 brothers that play on the Charlestown Chiefs… What? Oh, right. He’s some guy I’ve never heard of on the Braves. Big difference.

The Stros have faced Hanson once, and sport a shiny .240 average against him. Feliz (2-3), and Kabong Berkman and Matsui (1-3) are all the damage that’s been done to him. Feliz has the Good Guys lone RBI. Oof.

Saturday

TBA v. Tim Hudson (1-1, 3.28)

I like the look of this matchup! The Astros are hoping that Wandy, with an extra day of rest, can fill this spot. Back spasms are making him miss his scheduled start Friday. Wandy’s stats against the Braves aren’t exactly stellar anyway, so no rush to get back, big guy!

The Bravos bat .317 as a team against Eny. Chipper (4-12, 2 homers), Diaz (5-12), Yunel Escobar (4-9), all do pretty well against him. It isn’t a matter of one guy just crushing Wandy, but everyone seems to have a few knocks against him. This could be a long day for Astros fans and a short day for Lil’ Lefty.

Timmy Hudson is a cocksucker. I don’t have any particular reason to say that, I just don’t fucking like the guy.

The good news for the Good Guys is that they knock Timmy around a little bit. The team sports a .330 average against him, with Kabong (11-27, 10 RBI) leading the charge. Matisu-san (5-16), Kep (3-7), and Blummer (4-12) all knock him around pretty good too.

Sunday

Bud Norris (1-2, 5.60) v. Derek Lowe (3-2, 5.79)

Norris has never faced the Bravos. Bud has really scuffled early on. His first three starts lasted exactly 5 innings, and his fourth start only lasted 2.2. Bud clearly isn’t trusting his stuff enough.

Derek Lowe is still pitching in the big leagues? Wow. News to me.

The Astros absolutely whallop Rob Lowe’s less successful brother. Kabong (14-35, 2 homers), Twinkie (8-26, 2 homers), Kaz (8-18), Bourn (5-10, with a triple), and PENCE!!! (3-7) all rake against him.

Notable Giveaways and Promotions

Friday: Brings Friday Night Fireworks to Turner Field. Fucking Copycats.

Saturday: Entertain yourselves, damnit!

Sunday: Kids run the bases. Meet Terry Parker. Bark in the Park. Meet Marty P… You know what? Click on the link and read about it yourselves. I don’t know who the hell Terry Parker or Marty Perez are, and frankly, I’m in too big a rush to write out all this bullshit.

Ridiculous Fantasy Injury Report Disguised as MLB.com Injury Report
Astros

Alberto Arias has been shut down for the year after surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. Ow.

Chris Johnson has a straight Intercostal Muscle. I don’t know what that is, but he’s supposed to be back within the week.

Wandy Rodriguez has back spasms. Not news, we already talked about this.

Braves

Yunel Escobar is day to day after straining his left adductor. Isn’t that some kind of doppelbock?

Jair Jurrjens is day to day with a strained hammy and an overdose of the letter J.

Scott Proctor tore a tendon in his left elbow. Ouch. It’s unsure when he’ll be back.

Jo-jo Reyes is out with a really girly name. And some kind of knee problem.

Jordan Schafer is out with some kind of wrist problem that required surgery. Thanks MLB.com for such in-depth descriptions on these injuries. You’re making me look soooo smart.

Our Things to Look For

• Yokels, a lots of ’em.
• Hordes of adoring Hooters waitresses and underage girls squealing every time Chipper Jones comes up to bat.
• Some cocksucker in the Gamezone reminding us all of Walt Fucking Weiss. (Beat you to it, cocksucker)
• The stink of bad baseball. So help me BBGs, the next time Hunter Pence clanks an easy fly ball or Carlos Lee loafs a pop up into a double, I’m going to snap and kill someone.

Prediction: The Goddamn Braves take two out of three. You’re better served watching playoff hockey.

Wow, that was a fun way to start the year. Nothing says “Hooray, baseball is finally back!” like a 3 game cornholing from a team that, by most measures, will land in the middle of the medicore NL West. What? Now the Phillies are coming to town? Oh boy.

I’m sure you’re wondering about the Facebook mention in the title. Well, Mr. Impatient, I’ll explain it now. I’m going to share some of the wisdom of fellow Astros fans I’ve pulled from Facebook. Names have been omitted to protect the idiotic.

Now on to our first submission:

What the Astros need to get going – “would love to see Brad Mills get a little angry, crazy-mad at their performance or lack, there of. I am getting tired of the same old comment, “now we know what we have to work with……” Isn’t that what spring training is for? Maybe that will wake up this team….we certainly need it.”

Friday, April 9, 7:05pm FS-H HD
Saturday, April 10, 6:05pm FS-H HD
Sunday, April 11, 1:05pm FS-H HD

Notable Giveaways and Promotions

Friday – Pretty sweet lookin’ Anniversary Cap to the first 10,000 fans.

Saturday – Even sweeter lookin’ throwback Shooting Star Jersey to the first 10,000 fans.

Sunday – Apparently you can bring man’s best friend or your really unattractive wife to the game with no repercussions today. I don’t get it, but hey, the other two giveaways were pretty damn sweet.

Here’s a crackerjack ramble, some hate I approve of, and the quickest fix this team has ever seen – My sister in law once bought me a broom when the Cards swept the Stros. There is nothing I like more than beating the Cards. Let’s trade for Pujols, PLEASE!

Projected Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

J.A Happ (southpaw, no stats yet) v. Bud Norris (northpaw? no stats yet either)

In very limited numbers, the Astros have hammered Happ to the tune of a .389 BA (7-18). J.R. Towles leads the charge with a double, a single, and a walk in his three at bats. Thunderpants has two singles in three attempts. Kabong has two singles in three attempts as well, with an RBI. Kaz is only one for four, but that one was a two run homer.

Bud faced the Phigtin’ Phils once last year, and clocked a pretty good outing against them. Rollins and Ben Fransisco both hit solo homers off him, but he the rest of the Phils roster only scattered four more total hits (total of six in twenty four at bats).

What does this team need to succeed tonight? – Hunter will come through tonight…GO ASTROS!!!

Saturday

Jamie Moyer (old as dirt, no stats) v. Felipe Paulino (25% more aerodynamic than last year, no stats)

Moyer has been around a long time. No. Seriously. A LONG time. He’s 47, allegedly. Moyer has repeatedly denied the allegation that Geoff Blum is his son but frankly, I’m not buying it. Now the bad news. The Astros are a dismal fifteen of seventy five against Moyer. That’s a .205 average. Kabong has six hits off of him, but that’s in thirty at bats. Maybe he really is Blum’s daddy, since Blummer sports a sparkling one for ten against Grandpa Jamie. Moyer definitely isn’t any relation to Pence!!!! though. Pence has rocked Moyer in six at bats, with two homers and a single as well as two(!!!!) walks. Wow! Who saw that coming.

Paulino, like Bud, faced the Phils once last year. He gave up a lot of hits (six in sixteen at bats to be exact), but only gave up one RBI. Ben Fransisco (who the hell is Ben Fransisco anyway?) went three for three against him with two doubles. Rollins, Ibanez, and Werth all went one for three with a single apiece. Ryan Howard went oh for one with a pair of walks.

Name your Favorite Player From the 1960’s – Lance Berkman
Next Response? – Ditto
More Gems – Biggio by far…he is awesome !!!!!
Come on Peeps, it’s without a doubt #34 NOLAN RYAN!!!
Best Response – derek bell

Sunday

Roy Halladay (1-0, 1.29) v. Roy Oswalt (0-1, 4.50)

Halladay started the season the way you expect a badass number one to start it. He mowed down the hapless (not to be confused with J.A. Happless, which is what everyone but the Phillies are) Nationals on the way to an Opening Day win. Great news though. The Astros, at least on paper, beat Halladay around pretty good (to the tune of thirteen of thirty nine). Kabong is seven of ninteen with three dingers against Roy. Blum is three of seven with a homer. Feliz is two of six with a couple of RBIs. That about wraps it up though, as nobody else on the roster except for Michaels (big fat oh for four) and Kepp (one for three) have even faced him.

Roy struggled in front of the Spikesnstars Opening Day morons crowd, giving up three runs before being lifted for a pinch hitter in the sixth when it became obvious the regular eight plus pitcher weren’t going to get a run across without some serious help. Long story short, even pinch hitting couldn’t save the Good Guys. The Phils do allright against RoyO (48 hits in 156 at bats). Placido Palonco rocks Os to the tune of ten of twenty one. Ryan Howard also bashes Roy, with eight hits in nineteen at bats, two of which were homers. Chase Utley, on the other hand, sucks on ice against Roy (three of twenty).

I think I found Fredia on Facebook – 0-3 way to be stros where the h is are o ffense at lee bourn pence where yall at this aint spring training this is for real…. good luck aginst the fightin phills

Fantasy Baseball Injury Report That Just-So-Happens To Be About Real Baseball

Phillies –

Joe Blanton tweaked something, he’s out for a few weeks. Pussy.
Brad Lidge bruised his Pujols, which apparently led to needed knee and elbow surgeries. He is due back in late April.
J.C. Romero is off directing the next in his long string of Zombie Baseball movies. This one is called “Bullpen of the Living Dead – The Real Story Behind Jamie Moyer”.

Astros –

Arias is on the fifteen day with rotator cuff weakness.
Yorman Bazardo’s strained his shoulder carrying around his badass last name.
Sammy Gervacio’s funky delivery apparently made his arm fall off. They’re duct taping it back on, stop worrying.
And lastly, Lance Berkman’s knee buckled under the pressure of carrying the Astro offense this season. He’s due back next week some time, hopefully.

Face of the Franchise Indeed! Ohfer so far, but they love him! – pence is the only guy that prooved himself other than berkman and wandy, fire everybody else

My Attempt to Make You Bleed Out of Your Ears

And there you have it. The people that we, the SnS public, share a team affiliation with.

Enjoy!

Minute Maid Park

And the winner of this week’s Mihoba is… What? I’m not finished writing Series Previews? Ah shit.

Friday September 25, 7:05 pm
Saturday September 26, 6:05 pm
Sunday September 27 1:05 pm

Pitching Matchups From Astros.com
Friday

Matt Maloney (1-4, 5.35) v. Brian Moehler (8-10, 4.86)

A lovable movie star of the 80’s pitted against our lovable 5th starter.

Maloney is a rookie who has been up and down a few times this year for the Reds. He’s started a grand total of 6 games, and never pitched against the Astros. We all know what that means.

As a team, the Reds hit Moehler to the tune of .286 in 56 at bats. Only two current Reds have hit homers off him: Scott Rolen and… You guessed it, Willy Taveres. Brandon Phillips (4-14) and Scott Rolen (3-6) are the only two that have done signifigant damage against him.

My Prediction: Mahoney pitches a perfect game, then celebrates with Hightower and Whatever Michael Winslow’s name was in Police Academy.

Saturday

Justin Lehr (4-2, 5.30) v. Felipe Paulino (2-10, 6.06)

Okay, so figure this one out. Justin Lehr’s real name is Charles Larry Lehr. I refuse to put any effort in to this preview, so I’m not going to look up why the hell he goes by Justin when he’s got two perfectly redneck sounding names already, but if you want to find out, be my guest. In 28 at bats, the Good Guys are hitting a robust .429 off Charles Larry Doc Cousin Earl BillyJoeBob Lehr, which goes along nicely with the 5 homers he’s given up. Jeff Keppinger (3-3, 2 homers) had better be in the lineup, along with Michael Bourn (2-3) and Kaz (1-2 with a homer). Kabong and Coach Blum have the other two deep flies, but they’re not above .500 against Larry Wayne II, so screw ’em.

Man, I just don’t get how Paulino’s numbers are so terrible. I know He Who Shall Never Be Named Again jerked him around after a decent start, but man, an ERA over 6? Woof. Good news though! The Reds hit Felipe to the tune of .245 with 3 home runs in 53 at bats. Just keep Jay Bruce (3-6, 2 homers) and Laynce Nix (4-8 2b and a 3b) away from him, and things should be fine.

My prediction: Fireworks. LOTS of fireworks.

Sunday

Johnny Cueto (10-10, 4.39) v. Wandy Rodriguez (13-11, 2.97)

Cueto missed a turn in the rotation after a bout with the flu, but went 5 innings in his only start then while notching a win to even his record. Johnny 5 hasn’t had much success against Astros hitters, sporting a .344 average in 96 at bats. Twinkie (5-10, 2 homers), Bourn (4-10), Kaz (5-9, homer), Miggy (6-17), and Kabong (3-10, homer) all batter him pretty good.

Wandy is putting the bow on a pretty nice season as the Astros at least co-ace, if not actual ace. The record doesn’t indicate nearly how great he was this year. I count 8 times that he gave up 2 or less earned runs and took a ND or a loss. Ouch. The Redlegs hit a meager .212 against Wandy in 132 at bats. Joey Vatto (6-19), Jonny Gomes (3-8), and Darnell McDonald (2-5) are the only guys with any real success against the Lil’ Lefty.

Combined Injury Report

Reds

Bill Bray – Tommy John surgery in May, out of the season.

Wilkin Castillo – Torn Labia, out of the season.

Aaron Haranutang – Appendix removed, out for season.

Mike Lincoln – Bulging disc in neck, out for the season.

Danny Richar – hangnail, out for the season.

Edinson Volquez – Elbow inflammation, out for season and part of next season.

Charles Dickerson – Severely sprained ankle/Writer’s Block, out for the season. Twas the best of sprains, Twas the worst of sprains.

Astros

Mike Hampton – Rotator cuff tear, both knees, hip replacement, being rebuilt in to a cyborg.

Alberto Arias – Strained Hammy. Ready to come off the DL so Mike Hampton will stop trying to point and at him while calling him a pussy and re-aggrivating his throwing arm.

Roy Oswalt – Going in for some truck-battery treatment after getting a second opinion from his Cousin Merle.

Billy Sadler – Right Shoulder Scapular Dyskinesis. I have no idea what that is, but it sounds terrifying.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

And remember, you can always read all about it in the GameZone!

Some Stadium in Houston, Or Something

Since the Astros have elected to go ahead and mail in the rest of the season, I figure, what the hell, I’m going to mail in this preview as well. Honestly, I’ve been mailing it in all week month year my life. Why fuck with a good thing, right?
Friday September 4th, 7:05pm FS-HD
Saturday September 5th, 6:05 FS-HD
Sunday September 6th, 1:05 my20
Monday September 7th, 1:05 FS-HD

Pitching Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Cliff Lee (12-10, 2.83) v. Wandy Rodriguez (12-9, 2.93)

I don’t know anything about Cliff Lee, and I refuse to actually look anything up.

Wandy is an Astro. Therefore he either is mailing it in or has it in for Cecil Cooper. REALLY? Yes, really.

Prediction: Cliff Lee dominates the Astros, has some BBQ, then takes a nap.

Friday’s Featured Mailbox: Limey’s

Saturday

Joe Blanton (9-6, 3.77) v. Roy Oswalt (8-5, 3.80)

Joe Blanton used to pitch for an AL team. Blanton sort of sounds like bland, so I bet he’s a boring guy.

Roy Oswalt likes to complain about stuff. Odds are he’ll find something to complain about during/after this game too. My guess, the lack of bulldozer parking around MMP.

Prediction: Oswalt gives up a towering homer to that tubby first baseman the Phillies have, but hangs on to win.

Saturday’s Featured Mailbox: Andyzipp’s

Sunday

Cole Hamels (8-8, 4.26) v. Bud Norris (3-3, 6.61)

Cole Hamels was awesome last year. He’s sucked this year, but apparently is getting better.

Bud Norris was awesome earlier in the year, but has gotten rocked in his last few starts.

Prediction: Bud pitches decently through five, but Cooper pulls him after intentionally walking Ryan Howard with 2 outs and a runner on 2nd. When Bud points out that Coop himself called for the I-walk, Cooper sends Norris down to the Instructional League for an “attitude-adjustment”. Phillies win.

Sunday’s Featured Mailbox: Bizidy’s

Monday

What the fuck? A 4 game series? I didn’t sign up for this.

Well, it doesn’t matter anyway, since neither team has announced a starter, and Astros.com has no information at all. You know what that means?

Whoever starts probably gets knocked around by a real Playoff-worthy lineup.

Prediction: Phillies kick the crap out of the good guys.

On the teh funny!

Monday’s Featured Mailbox: Kev and Scott’s

Notable Giveaways This Series

Friday – Every fan sitting in fair territory beyond the outfield walls will be given a protective device to save them from all of the longballs sure to be hit their way.

Saturday – Get your very own “Some Of These Guys Still Play For The Astros” shirt!

Sunday – WHAT THE FUCK IS A WEBKINZ!?

Monday – Your very own Rainbow Gut Grilling Apron! Also, if you’re one of the first 1000 fans in the door and look like you could pitch for a shell of a Major League team, you could be the starter for YOUR Houston Astros!

Combined Injury Report

Phillies

Clay Condrey is on the 15 Day DL with a tummyache, and has a rehab start in AAA on the 5th.

Greg Dobbs is on the 15 Day DL with a strained calf. He’s on Kabong’s ranch trying to catch a new calf.

Brett Myers is on the 60 Day DL with a hip labrum tear AND some kind of eye problem. What the hell?

J.C. Romero is on the 15 Day DL while off filming another zombie movie.

Astros

Alberto Arias is on the 15 Day DL with a strained hammy. He’s just excited it wasn’t his pitching arm that gave out.

Mike Hampton will be spending the next six months soaking in a mixture of that blue liquid barbers keep their combs in and ground up placenta. I don’t really know why, so don’t ask.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

Talk about today’s game in the GameZone! Really? Yes, really.