Miller Park

(NOTE: Throughout this preview you will see intercepted text message conversations from both the Astros as well as the Brewers players. Don’t ask how I intercepted these messages, and especially don’t go look to see if they’re really from www.textsfromlastnight.com.)

With the chance to continue treading water and split a 4 game series with the red-hot Marlins (Jose Valverde: I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit? ), your Houston Astros elected instead to crap the bed to the tune of a 9-2 shellacking. How bad is this team right now?
Stretch Suba: if only i could text you this smell.

Friday August 15, 7:05pm. FS-H HD
Saturday August 16, 6:05pm. FS-H HD
Sunday August 17, 1:05pm. FS-H

Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

Wandy Rodriguez (11-6, 2.51) v. Yovani Gallardo (10-9, 3.54)

Michael Bourn: How crunk are you?
Wandy Rodriguez: I’m a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins

Wandy recovered nicely from his strained hamstring in his last start, tossing 7 shutout innings on the way to a 2-0 Astros win against these very same Brewers. Corey Hart (11-27) and Rickey Weeks (5-16) mash Wandy. The rest of the BrewCrew sucks against him, especially Jason Kendall (0-8).

Yovanni was on the losing end of Wandy’s peckslapping of the Brewers, also pitching 7 innings but was the hard luck loser after giving up 2 runs. His numbers are good, but the Brewers keep finding ways to lose when he pitches. Current Astros do okay against Gallardo, with Bourn (3-8) and Blum (3-10) leading the charge. The Good Guys sport a .264 team average against Yovanni in 106 at bats, but have only hit 3 home runs.

Randall Simon (to Yovanni Gallardo): Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Bratwurst suit so I can molest you while I wear it?

Saturday

Brian Moehler (7-8, 5.40) v. Mike Burns (2-4, 5.89)

(414): I’m surprised I didn’t puke tonight
This perfectly describes how I feel about this pitching matchup.

The Brewers shell Moehler to the tune of a .366 batting average and a 1.045 OPS. In 7 at bats, no Astro has a hit against Burns.

Sunday

Roy Oswalt (6-4, 3.87) v. Braden Looper (10-6, 4.99)

Roy scuffled in his last start against the Fish, giving up 6 runs but not taking the loss in an absolute embarassment of a ball game. His back is obviously not 100 percent, but he’ll still trot out there and give it the old Mississippi try. Kendall (17-44), Hart (8-16), and Braun (5-11) all wear RoyO out. Everyone else is pretty meh.

Roy: maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn’t such a great idea after all.

Braden Looper sucks. Current Astros batter him pretty good, with PENCE!!! (10-22), Twinkie (10-27), Kaz (6-12), Erstad (5-12), and Coste (3-7) leading the charge. Kabong (6-28, no homers) sucks against him though.

Random Brewers Groupie (about Braden Looper): He told me he had never done that before…I responded with “clearly”

Notable Giveaways This Series

Friday – Not a goddamn thing.
Corey Hart: dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

Saturday – Not a goddamn thing again.
JJ Hardy (on the reason he was sent to AAA): I skipped work to stalk him.

Sunday – Finally, something free for the cheese eaters! The first 10,000 fans will receive a Bernie Brewer Tidal Towel! What the hell is that, you ask? I don’t know either. Oh, and the first 10k will ALSO get a Kalahari VIP Savings Card. No, I don’t know what that is either.

Prince Fielder (to Rickie Weeks) : I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I’ve talked to you on the phone while having sex.

Combined Injury Report

Astros

Aaron Boone is playing ball in the minors, and hoping to make it back to the big club in September.

Brocail is back on the DL again, and the note for this one says “GM is ‘worried’ about 3rd DL stint of ’09”. Thank God those MLB guys make the big bucks.

Hampton is falling apart at the seams. Apparently his left shoulder seam is giving out now. He’s day to day, but really, aren’t we all day to day?

Wesley Wright is on the DL and desperately trying to learn to throw right handed, since his left shoulder is about to fall off.

Brewers

Dave Bush is on the 15 Day DL with Chronic Masturbation Arm (CMA).

Chris Capuano is on the 60 day DL with Tommy John surgery. Probably from CMA also.

Corey Hart is out with a vaginectomy. Not sure if they’re removing it or just sprucing it up, but he’ll be able to come off the DL on the 15th of August.

Seth McClung also out with CMA, sprained elbow.

David Riske on the 15 day DL with a torn elbow tendon, return unknown.

Jeff Suppan strained an oblique, and could also be activated on the 15th.

And Rickie Weeks tore a tendon in his wrist trying to get away from Prince Fielder’s text message mentioned earlier in this preview.

Damn, look at all those injured pitchers. Is Cecil Cooper managing the Brewers too?

Texts To Match Players

Discuss todays game in the GameZone, preferably from your favorite cellular device!

Minute Maid Park

Following a 3 game pecker-slapping of the Co-Ards, the Good Guys play host to the Goddamn Fucking Mets.

Unsurprising Newsflash of the Day: I hate the fucking Mets.

The GFM (Goddamn Fucking Mets) are 2-5 since the All Star Break, and have basically stunk up the joint with their ridiculous payroll/lineup so far. They’re 10 1/2 games back of the Phightin’ Phillies and frankly, I couldn’t be more excited about it.

Friday July 24, 7:05 p.m. FSN-HD
Saturday July 25, 6:05 p.m. FSN-HD
Sunday July 26, 1:05 p.m. FSN-HD

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Johan Santana (11-7, 2.92) v. Mike Hampton (5-7, 4.63)

Despite GFM suckitude, Santana has continued to be a dominant number one pitcher. He’s got a 15 inning scoreless streak going, and is one of the premier starters in the game. Also, he’s the most dominant pitcher after the All Star break in the history of baseball (with 75 or more starts), sporting a ridiculous 59-17 record.

And on to the good news, Santana has a career .98 ERA against the Astros, and Houston hitters sport a horrific .213 average against him in 239 plate appearances. Miggy (11-34, 2 HR) and Kabong (10-32, 3 HR) have done pretty well against Johan, but everyone else is pretty awful. Don’t expect to see Coste (0-8, but he did draw a walk once)starting against Santana. Erstad (10-41) would probably be a better choice.

Hampy has scuffled pretty badly against any team not named the Pirates, so this one could get ugly in a big ass hurry. Mike ‘s ERA after his last two starts (both notably not against the Pirates) is over 9, and things aren’t exactly looking up after checking his numbers against the GFM.

The Mets bat a robust .375 against Hampton as a team, with a 1.078 OPS. That isn’t a typo. David Wright (3-13, 1 HR) and Gary Sheffield (7-27) scuffle against him, but the rest of the lineup pretty much beat Hampy like the rest of the TZ beat up towlie once upon a time.

Saturday

Jon Niese (0.0, 5.91) v. Russ Ortiz (3-4, 4.33)

Thsi game was supposed to belong to former Astro Fernando Nieve, but ‘Nando managed to tweak a leg muscle running the bases and is on the DL. So, Who the fuck is John Niese? I don’t know. Obviously, neither do you. He’s been in the minors for the Mets since mid-May, and apparently has been dominating the shit out of AAA hitters, sporting a .72 ERA in his last 7 starts down in the minors. That isn’t a typo, .72. He hasn’t been named the starter, but Astros.com declares him the “most likely candidate”. And really, writing about TBA is boring, that dude sucks.

The Astros have never faced him, and we all know how well that usually turns out.

Reliable Russ Ortiz, after basically calling Cecil Cooper 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag, went out and bitch-slapped the Dodgers for 6 innings in his first start after the break, giving up 2 earnies and not getting a win because Arias decided to trip all over his own dick, making approximately 253 errors consecutively in one inning.

Russ has problems with the usual suspects: David Wright (6-11, 1 HR), Gary Sheffield (5-13, 3!!!!! HR), and Carlos Delgado (2-3). The rest of the GFM just do okay against him, which is… ok.

Sunday

Livan Hernandez (6-5, 4.93) v. Brian Moehler (7-5, 4.92)

The grizzled one has scuffled a lot in the last month, losing 4 starts in a row before finally facing the Nationals and notching a win against his former club. Livan’s ERA in July 10.93 even counting his 7 innings of 2 run ball against the Nats.

Now on to the good news. The Good Guys hit Livan at a .341 clip in 167 at bats, including Thunderpants and Erstad (4-7 each), Miggy (6-16), Kaz (10-35), and the recently DLed Twinkie (10-33).

Moehler checked in with a quality start in his last outing, going 6 1/3 inning and giving up 2 runs on his way to a win against the Redbirds. After some seriously bad outings earlier in the year, Brian appears to have righted the ship and is pitching pretty damn well for the slop throwing veteran that he is.

Moehler has not fared very well against the GFM, as indicated by the .333 batting average and 1.006 OPS they sport against him. The only good news is that a signifigant chunk of that damage is done by Carlos Delgado (9-29, 4 HR), who, as you’ll read about in a few minutes, is still on the DL. Other current Stem that crush Brian: Carlos “Holy Moley” Beltran (10-19, 4 doubles), Jose Reyes (5-14), and David Wright (5-13).

Notable Giveaways This Series

I have no idea what the fuck a webkinz is, but this is what it looks like. If you know what it is, just keep it to yourself. I’m happier not knowing. Anyway, they’re giving them away on Friday night.

Saturday they’re giving away a Young Professionals Pack. There is absolutely no info about what the hell that is either, so I’m just assuming it’s some kind of folded up hooker in a backpack. Oh, you also might get one of these. Both of those go to the first 10,000 lucky fans.

Sunday you don’t get shit. Deal with it.

Combined Injury Report

Mets
Holy shit! These guys are banged up about as badly as the Padres were.

Carlos Beltran – Out until late July due to his mole becoming self-aware. Both Carlos and Molos are in therapy right now.
Alex Cora – Out recieving hormone therapy for having a name that sounds way too much like a female.
Carlos Delgado – Broke his hip when he lost his grip on his walker rounding 3rd on a home run.
John Maine – Right Shoulder Fatigue. (Insert masturbation joke here)
Ramon Martinez – Actually a puddle of Pedro Martinez’s hair-grease that came to life.
Fernando Martinez – An early attempt at a hybrid of Fernando Nieve and Pedro Martinez. This experiment failed horribly when Fernando injured himself climbing out of the test-tube he was created in and immediately went to the DL.
Fernando Nieve – Post partum depression. (See above)
J.J. Putz – Anyone with the last name Putz is bound to end up on the DL eventually.
Jose Reyes – Groin fatigue after being fellated for 5 years straight by ESPN’s Baseball Tonight crew.
Gary Sheffield – Available as an emergency pinch hitter. Also, his giant ego is being used as a substitute apple for the Met home run celebration until Mets officials can figure out what the hell is wrong with the regular one.
Billy Wagner – Finally popped off to the wrong person. He 86 year old grandmother laid him out with a right cross after Billy said grandma “has honestly got to step up and know that we’ve just used every other pie filling in the fridge” after having a slice of her homemade apple pie.

Astros

Aaron Boone – <3s the Astros.
Doug Brocail – is rehabbing in AAA then AA.
Chris Sampson – can come off the DL July 25th. Suffered shoulder spasms in his throwing arm.
Lance Berkman – strained his calf while reaching for his gummi-bear stash he keeps in his sock. Tried to play through it, but finally admitted he needed some time off for it to heal. Word on the street is that the hot-dog vendors in the stadium are upping their inventory 100% for Lance’s DL stay.

Our Interesting Things To Look For:

Follow the action in the Game Zone, that is of course unless your daughter is bleeding. And if she is, for Christ’s sake, put a leash on her and take her to the vet!

Petco Park

After a Valverde tainted almost-sweep of the Detroit Tigers, the Good Guys hit the road on a West Coast swing to take on the Whale Vaginas of San Diego. Here’s my break down of it down and dirty style, mostly because I hate Mondays almost as much as I hate West Coast Road Trips.

Projected Starters from Astros.com

Monday

Roy Oswalt (3-4, 4.30) v. Josh Geer (1-2, 5.68)

Oswalt is rounding out in to form nicely right now. His last two starts he went complete game style against the Twins in a loss (gave up 5 runs, but 2 of them came in the 8th inning, when things were looking pretty grim already) and got a no decision against the Royals desipte leaving with the lead after pitching six masterful innings of one run baseball. He has good career numbers against the Padres, at Petco, and against most of the Padres hitters. The few notable exceptions: Brian Giles (15-50, 1 HR), David Dickstain (10-34, shockingly NO RBIs), Cliff Floyd (8-27, 2 HR and I didn’t even know he was still in the majors), and Adrian Gonzalez (6-13, 2 HR).

Geer sucks on ice. His ERA has been 5+ every month so far this year, he’s given up 17 home runs (7 of which were given up at home in 7 starts. Think about that for a second. 7 home runs AT Petcave!!!) in 70.2 innings. The bad news is, his last two starts have been decent to the tune of 3 runs over 6 innings. The Astros haven’t seen much of him, but their team numbers are pretty promising: 7 hits in 16 at bats, with a Miggy home run included in there.

Tuesday

Mike Hampton (4-5, 4.70) v. Josh Banks (0-0, 2.84)

Hampy is coming off the DL and going straight back in to the rotation for this start. He’s had a rollercoaster first few months of the season, pitching great in most of his wins and getting shelled in most of his losses. Petco should be a nice welcome back for Mike, as he can make some mistakes up in the zone without watching them scrape the ceiling, kill someone in the Crawford Boxes, shatter another windowpane on the left field wall, or put another dent in the goddamn train tracks. The Padres have managed to not see much of Mike, the only guy with any decent numbers against him is Brian Giles (15-39, 1 HR). Floyd (6-24, 1 HR) does okay against him. Everyone else that’s seen him hasn’t had any success at all.

I know what you’re asking now. Who the hell is Josh Banks? Well, I don’t know either. Apparently he was the Padre long reliever until Wade LeBlanc finally sucked enough to get sent back down to AAA. I can’t even imagine the things I would do to not get sent to Portland, but I’d imagine ol’ Wade’s knees are probably carpet burnt all to hell from his last ditch attempt to convince Kevin Towers to not ship him out. Unsurprisingly, none of the Astros have seen much of him. Three total hits between three players in seven tries between Miggy, Keppenger, and Jason Michaels (who hit a 2 run shibby in his only appearance against Josh).

Wednesday

Brian Moehler (4-4, 6.05) v. Walter Silva (0-1, 9.35)

The only person happier to be in San Diego than Lance Berkman (YIPPIE! They’ve got an awesome Zoo/Aquarium!) is Brian Moehler. Petco’s spacious outfield borders just might be enough to slow down the alarming ratio of giving up a home run every 5 innings. Brian Giles (6-19, 1 HR), Adrian Gonzalez (5-10), and David Dickstain (3-7) all have had some success against Brian.

Once again, I can hear you asking, “Mark, who the hell is Walter Silva?” And again, my answer to you is, “I have no fucking idea.” From what I can gather though, he isn’t exactly Cy Young. In 4 career starts, he’s given up 18 earned runs in 17 innings, including 3 home runs. His last start was a disaster, with the Rangers clubbing him for eight earned runs in 2 1/3 innings. Unsurprisingly, the Good Guys haven’t ever faced Walter… So expect him to actually channel some Cy Young this game.

Thursday

Wandy Rodriguez (6-6, 3.35) v. Kevin Correia (5-5, 4.23)

Wandy started the season off looking amazing, and has since slid back down to mere mortal levels, and his last 4 starts have either been amazing or so-so/terrible. The good news is, he’s definitely due for a good one against the Padres. Dickstain (7-18), Scott Hairston (4-9, 2 HR), Adrian Gonzalez (3-9, HR), and Brian Giles (4-13) all have had pretty good success against Wandy. Everyone else is pretty awful.

And once again, it’s time to play everybody’s favorite gameshow! WHO! THE FUCK! IS THIS PADRE PITCHER?!!?!? Again, I have no idea. Never heard of him. He had a pretty impressive June though, sporting a 4-2 record with a 3.08 ERA and a 34/6 K/BB ratio. The Astros haven’t seen much of him, and as a team are batting .240. Kaz is a putrid 0-8 against him, and pretty much everyone else has one hit in somewhere between two and six at bats. Kabong, on the other hand, is three of five with 2 doubles against him.

Notable Giveaways

Not a goddamn thing. No stupid looking bobblehead. No hobby horse. No nothing. You get nothing and like it. GOOD DAY SIR!

Injury Reports

Astros

Nothing new to report here. Aaron Boone still is recovering from a busted ticker. Doug Brocail is still suffering from some horrible torn something in his leg that makes me cringe every time I think about it.

Padres

Jesus Christ, I’m going to need to hire a temp to enter all this information…

Cha Seung Baek is the chinese chicken. With a strained tendon apparently.

Cliff Floyd is old… And on 60 day DL with a torn labrum.

Brian Giles has a right knee contusion and is on the DL until July 4th.

Jake Peavy has a partially torn tendon in his ankle, and is set to be examined on June 30th.

And here’s a list of the rest of the schlubs:
Luke Gregerson
Shawn Hill
Nick Hundley
Mark Prior
Will Venable
Mark Worrell

Our Interesting Things to Look For

Keep up with all the work-week action in the GameZone, if you can manage to stay up late enough to actually keep up with any of the games.

***WARNING: If you are faint of heart, don’t find me ranting incoherently funny, or do not like reading long strings of swear words, this is NOT the Series Preview for you. You should probably go re-read one of strosrays’ previews and just pretend it’s about this series. Odds are you’ll learn more that way anyway.***

Minute Maid Park

The Astros are starting to play some decent baseball. They’ve won a few series in a row, things are starting to look up as a few of the important bullpen parts are close to returning fairly soon, and there might just be a small light at the end of this early season tunnel… Or that light might just be the oncoming train full of drunken, shirtless cocksucker Cub fans on their way to Minute Maid to out-cheer, out-drunk, out-obnoxious, and out-asshole the Houston fans. It could be either one.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday

Ted Lilly (6-4, 3.28) v. Brian Moehler (2-4, 6.37)

Fuck Ted Lilly. I hate that guy. He’s a slop throwing lefty that sucks shit through a straw, but for whatever reason, he has a lot of success against Major League hitters (as well as the Astros). As a team, the Astros are hitting .209 against him. Fan-fucking-tastic. Keppinger is the only one with anything approaching success against Lilly, sporting a robust .350 average (7-20). Pudge (6-22) doesn’t suck horribly, but that’s about it when trying to find a silver lining. And speaking of lacking a silver lining…

Brian Moehler should be in the fucking bullpen. He’s a slop throwing righty that is solid for about one and a half times through the order. After that, the Astro Brass starts handing out hard hats so people standing by the Conoco Pump don’t get concussed by screaming, lopsided baseballs being launched their way until Coop wakes up decides the fans have been punished enough and brings in whatever former/future starter he’s deemed not good enough to start but good enough to clean up Moehler’s mess. And here’s some solid news: The Cubs as a team hit .297 against Brian. Milton Bradley and Geovanny Soto are a combined 3 for 19 against him. The rest of the starters light ol’ Moehler up like a christmas tree. Fuck.

Wednesday

Carlos Zambrano, RHP (4-2, 3.72) v. Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (5-5, 2.97)

FUCK Carlos Zambrano. If there is a just God in the universe, Carlos will manage to either miss his flight or end up catching the wrong plane and landing in Houston, Alaska. And while he’s there, maybe the natives will mistake him for a fat seal and club the hell out of him. The Astros hit a dismal .226 against Fat Fuck, so don’t expect an offensive explosion today. Kabong (17-49, 4 dingers), Miggy (7-15, 1 bomb), and Pudge (3-10, 4 Ks) are the only guys with any success against him.

Wandy has just been absolutely crushed all over the yard in his last few starts. Apparently, acting manager Geoff Blum brought this up on the radio today, and it’s been confirmed by Astros.com. I sure as hell hope he’s just tipping his pitches and not running out gas this early in the year. Wandy has been pretty awesome up until the last few games, and seeing him check in with a full season of domination would certainly make me feel better about this team’s pitching staff in the long run. Current Cubs hit Wandy at a .277 clip, with almost all the damage being done by Derrek Lee (12-24) and Ryan Theriot (9-18). I can understand Lee, but come on… Ryan Theroit? Seriously? Fuck that guy.

Thursday

Ryan Dempster, RHP (4-3, 4.12) v. Roy Oswalt, RHP (2-3, 4.66)

Fuck Ryan Dempster. He balks every fucking time he pitches. He sucks ass, but somehow doesn’t get shelled, and on top of all that, his name is about as close to dumpster you can get without seeing/smelling a former dot.com millionaire. The Good Guys hit Dumpster at a .280 clip. Kabong (7-20), Thunderpants (8-17), Kepp (5-12), and Bourn (3-9) all smack his bitch ass around pretty good. Everyone else either sucks or kind of sucks against him.

I won’t treat Roy Oswalt like a Cub. I will say, however, that Roy needs to nut up and start pitching like an ace again. I’m sick of watching a guy that can hit the mid-90s on the gun nibbling like he’s fucking Jamie Moyer. And while we’re on the subject, FUCK Jamie Moyer. But, I digest. Anyway, The Cubs hit .261 against Roy, with only a few standout performers. The Game of Temper Tantrum (3-8, 1 HR) and Micah Fucking Hoffpauir (2-3, 1 HR, and yes, his fucking middle name is Fucking, shut up) both have had good success against Roy in limited quantities. Derrek Lee (16-55, 3 HR) has decent numbers, and ErrorMiss (16-63, 4 HR and 15 RBI) has good power numbers. Everyone else is eh to meh.

Notable Giveaways This Series

Tuesday is Double Play Tuesday. We’re looking at you, Miggy and Carlos.

Wednesday is 10th Season Tee Shirts.

Thursday is the stupidest looking bobble-head I’ve ever seen. Attention Astros Marketing Department: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? STOP THAT SHIT!

Combined Injury Reports

Cubs

Chad Fox is on the 15 day DL with a right elbow injury. His return date is Unknown. Ohhhh, mysterious.

Ryan Freel is a cocksucker. And he strained his hamstring and is on the 15 day DL.

Rich Harden mildly strained his back while giving Carlos Zambrano a horsey-ride. Don’t ask. He’s gone until mid-June. Good riddance, says I.

Aaron Miles is listed on the 15 day DL, but I’m pretty sure he’s an asshole… and will be playing during this series.

Aramiss Ramirez is on the 15 day DL STILL after he dislocated his shoulder early this year and isn’t expected back until mid-July. Fucker.

Houston

Aaron Boone left his heart in San Fransisco…

Brocail is still out with a torn fucking hamstring. That makes me cringe more than a Cub fan in a sports bra.

Geary is getting close, but still on the 15 day DL with tendonitis in his right arm.

Felipe Paulino strained his right groin yesterday. Insert your own joke here.

And Papa Grande is getting close to returning as well, as he threw a few simulated innings before the game yesterday and is feeling pretty decent.

Our Interesting Things to Look For:

• This series should be a pretty good test to see if this mild resurgance is the real deal or not for the Good Guys. The Cubs have been struggling pretty badly recently, and few things in this world make me smile more than peckerslapping those lovable fucking losers from Shitcago.
• Just like SXSW in Austin, look for a bunch of pasty faced drunk ass fuckwads to be hanging around Houston/Minute Maid all weekend. They’ll be hammered drunk, smell vaguely like your gym shorts the last week of high school, and mostly annoy the shit out of you. Just remember Mark’s Golden Rule of Dealing With Cub Fans: FUCK ‘EM. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF ‘EM.
• FUCK THE CUBS

And on a more personal note, I’d just like to congratulate two more Talk Zone regulars on tying the knot. Congrats y’all!

Minute Maid Park

After a split (that could’ve been a 2 game sweep, Thanks Gerry Coop) with the Fuck the Cubs, the Astros cruise home to play the Wrigley North temporary residents, the Brew crew. The Good Guys have been on a decent hot streak recently with a 3 game sweep of the Padres, 2 out of 3 from the Rocks, and the above mentioned split with the FTCs. This series should be a good test to see if this upswing is fo’real, or just a pale mockery of the first few months of the Reds’ season.

Tuesday, May 19, 7:05p.m. FSN-HD

Wednesday, May 20, 7:05p.m.

FSN-HD Thursday, May 20, 7:05p.m.FSN-HD

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday Dave Bush (2-0, 3.83) v Mike Hampton (2-3, 5.31)

Bush has started off the season pretty strong, despite an early relief appearance in which he gave up 2 earned runs in just one inning. Since then, he’s started 7 games and gone 6 innings in them all, while allowing 3 or less earned runs all but once. The Good Guys do decently against Mr. Bush, with Hunter Pence and Geoff Blum (5-11 each, Blum with a homer) leading the charge. Twinkie (11-32, no homers but 4 doubles) smacks him around pretty good, Michael Bourn (2-5) has had some success in a small sample size, and Miggy (6-20)hits him okay too. Kabong (4-18), and Kepp (3-12) hit Dave decently, and the rest of the team pretty much sucks on ice against him.

After a great first month of the season numbers wise, Mike Hampton has struggled pretty badly in May. His ERA has ballooned from 3.86 on April 25th all the way up to 5.31 now, and the only win he’s has in 3 starts this month was in a shootout with the Rockies, playing just south of outer space. That being said, Hampton has been suffering mostly from one bad inning/pitch, giving up a home run as he tires in the 5th or 6th inning. I’m of the opinion that, if he can keep his composure about him, he’ll bounce back fine now that we’re playing closer to sea level.

Now on to the bad news: The Brewers absolutely tee off on Hampy. They sport a team average of .322 in 118 at bats. The biggest threats are Bill “Generic Nickname for a Generic Name” Hall (3-7 with a dinger), Ryan “Fucknose” Braun (3-3, all singles), Mike “Q-Killer” Cameron (10-33, double, triple, yacker), and Jason “How the hell am I still an effective Major League Baseball Player” Kendall (14-39). Prince Fielder only has 1 hit in 3 at bats, but it was a solo homer. The rest of the team either has a tiny sample size or hasn’t done shit against Hampy.

Wednesday Yovani Gallardo (4-1, 3.09) v Wandy Rodriguez (4-1, 1.90)

Yovani has a funny name, but that’s just about the only thing funny about him. He’s been pretty damn consistent so far this year, only giving up more than 3 runs in a start once in 7 tries. The Astros collectively hit .262 against Gallardo in 61 at bats, with only a few guys carrying the load. Kaz Matsui (3-7), El Kabong (3-9, 1 Kabong), and Michael Bourn (2-3) are the only guys with gaudy numbers against the Yoyo, and the rest of the Stros are below average at best. Puma and Pence are both 2 for 10 against him, and all 4 of those hits were singles and didn’t drive in any runs. It only gets worse from there. I’ll spare you the details.

Wandy gets the nod for the Good Guys tonight, and oh what a start he’s off to. In his two losses he gave up 3 runs in 6 innings and 1 run through 6 innings, so you can’t fault him for either of the “L”s he’s taken. Also, he’s struck out 48 and only walked 15. All around, he’s been pretty awesome so far. In 37 at bats, the Brew Crew hits .280 off of Wandy, with Corey Hart (10-23) and JJ Hardy (5-17, 2 bombs) doing most of the damage. Does anyone know a cool guy named JJ? All I can think of is JJ Hardy, who I don’t care much for and JJ Abrams, who is so obsessed with lens flare that it makes want to punch baby penguins every time I watch one of his movies.

On a semi-related note, anyone know where I can find a baby penguin in the Greater Austin Metroplex? I’m supposed to go see Star Trek again later this week.

Thursday Jeff Suppan (3-3, 4.63) v Roy Oswalt (1-2, 4.50)

Jeff Suppan is what he is. And that’s an inning eater that will give you the occasional good start and the occasional stinker. Take his last start for example: 6 innings, 6 hits, no runs, 2 walks, 2 strikeouts, and 18! ground balls. Then, take the start just before that one against the FTCubs: 5.2 innings, 8 hits, 4 runs, 3 of them earned, 2 walks, 3 strikeouts, 13 ground balls. Despite his middle-of-the-roadness, he’s pitched for 3 of the Astros’ NL Central Rivals, so I fucking hate him. The Astros have seen plenty of Jeff Suppan, and sport a team .292 average in 264 at bats. Geoff Blum (14-26,2 homers) wears Suppy out, Fat Elvis (14-34, 3 homers) mashes him , Pudge (6-17) knocks him around some, and Miggy (8-29, 11 RBIs but no homers) hits him pretty decent too. Carlos Lee struggles against him in the average department at .239 (16-67), but has hit 3 homers and 12 RBIs off him to make it more interesting. Everyone else pretty much sucks hind tit.

Roy Oswalt… Well, it’s Roy. I don’t have much to say I haven’t said 1000 times before. He just needs to read this thread and go from there. The Brewers are better than average against RoyO, but that isn’t saying much since average is pretty low. They sport a team batting average of .275 in 229 at bats with Corey Hart (6-13, 1 homer), Jason FUCKING Kendall (Man I hate this guy 16-41), Ryan Braun (3-8, with 2 homers), and Bill Hall (14-41, 1 homer) leading the charge.

Notable Giveaways This Series

Tuesday is Double Play Tuesday, which as far as I can tell, means that you get to pitch to Miggy and Kabong with a runner on first.

Wednesday they’re giving away Etched Crystal Minute Maid Park replicas to the first 10,000 fans that are drinking their 7 dollar beers with their pinkies in the air. Somebody get Bizidy on the horn, STAT!

Thursday is Price Matters day, which I can only assume is about Tampa Bay Pitcher David Price. Don’t get me wrong, being one of only 4 players to ever win a World Series Game before winning a regular season game is impressive and all, but couldn’t we at least honor an Astro or something? Or maybe a Raup Appreciation day. I’m out there fighting the good fight, roasting Clarks and calling people idiots so you can sit on your lazy ass and read this board. Where’s MY day Drayton?!

Combined Injury Reports

Brewers

David Riske is on the 15 day DL with tightness in his right elbow. He’s due back at the end of May, allegedly.

Rickie Weeks managed to tear the sheath in his wrist while swinging and missing. How shitty is that?

“So, Grandpa Ricky, how did you destroy your wrist and ruin what was shaping up to be an amazing season for you and the Brewers?”

“Well, sonny, I was facing slop-jar-full-of-nuts Todd Wellemeyer, and I swung and missed at strike three and my wrist imploded.”

“Wow grandpa, that story sucks.”

“Yeah it does, sonny. Yeah it does.”

Astros

Brandon Backe still has a strained beach muscle. He’s been rehabbing for about 3 years now, and Cooper/Wade/Pam are still trying to decide if they should just leave him in Corpus to “rehab” for the rest of his career or if they should call him up and take over pinch hitting duties for Jason Smith.

Aaron Boone is still shot through the heart, and you’re too blame.

Doug Brocail tore a tendon off the bone in his hamstring. I’ll repeat for emphasis: HE TORE A FUCKING TENDON IN HIS HAMSTRING OFF HIS FUCKING LEG BONE! He’s due back around late June, hopefully.

Geoff Geary is on the DL for general suckitude, which is listed politely as “right biceps tendonitis”. I apparently had that injury my entire pitching career.

El Papa Grande is still out with a strained calf. Now, I’ve strained my calf before, but I can assure you I never had to drain any fluid out of it afterwords, so I’d say this injury is a lot more serious than than the name implies… Then again, Valverde strained his closing a Major League baseball game, I strained mine getting off the couch to go grab another beer. So maybe it’s just a big league calf strain. He started throwing again last week, and is hoped to return in early June. That far off F-bomb you just heard was Latroy Hawkins also reading this news.

Our Interesting Things to Look For

• Much wailing and gnashing of teeth by John B. Brewerfan (the B is for bratwurst) about the loss of Rickie Weeks. My take? If he didn’t want to be so injury prone, he’d drop that wussified “ie” at the end of his name and just go with “y”. I can’t think of a single Rickie that has done a damn thing I care about in my life. But I can think of tons of Rickys that I appreciate: Ricky Ricardo, Ricky Williams, Ricky Martin… uh, anyway… Moving right along…

• It really is a struggle for me to dislike the Brewers (except for Jason Kendall and Ryan Braun, FUCK those guys). But, the more they’re in contention, the easier the hate flows. Nobody will ever top the Cubs in my Baseball Hatred List (patent pending), but the Brewers and their annoying habit of being not-terrible lately are starting register. The Pirates, on the other hand, love ’em! And, I bet you didn’t even know this, but Chad Duffy, former Pittsburg Pirate and all around speed merchant, is on the Brew Crew roster.

• Over/Under on the amount of snacks that Prince Fielder bums off Berkman in this 3 game series starts at 15.

Discuss today’s game in the GameZone, but if you see FiLoE make a stupid comment, let it slide. I’ll take care of it as soon as I get back from the computer.

Oh, and one more thing: Lets Go Red Wings!

The Edifice of Greed Turner Field

After taking 2 out of 3 from the goddamn Reds, the Good Guys are off to WhiteTrashville (population 3,000,000 toothless inbred yokels, and that just covers the Chipper Jones Fan Club).

I hate a lot of teams, but there’s a special place in my cold black heart just for the Braves. I can’t see that stupid logo without thinking of “strikes” 3 inches off the outside corner, The Mongoliod Hitting Machine (Seriously, what grown man wants to be called Chipper?!), or years and years of playoff domination before the Astros finally broke through.* Fuck, I hate the Braves.

Friday, May 1, 6:30 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 2, 2:30 p.m. CDT – FOX
Sunday, May 3, 12:30 p.m. CDT – My20

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Mike Hampton (1-1, 3.86) v Derek Lowe (2-1, 3.10)

Hampton checked in with a pretty blah outing against the Brew Crew his last time through the rotation, giving up 4 earnies through six innings. He struck out 4, walked 3, and was cruising in the 6th when he gave up a big fly to Bill Hall that tied the game. The bullpen went on to completely shit the bed, as Valverde inexplicably threw Prince Fielder an 0-2 fastball up that Big Tubby promptly deposited in right field. Fast Forward a few innings, and the Good Guys lost. Thanks Gerry.

Hampton has only seen a few of the Braves at all. Chipper Jones (19-50, 18 singles and one home run) and Garrett Anderson (3-4, all singles) are the only guys that have had any success against him. David Ross (1-6) and Omar Infante (0-3) are the only other people that have ever faced Hampy, and clearly they suck.

Lowe is off to a pretty good start this year. He’s had one bad outing, giving up 4 runs over 5 innings against the Fish. Other than that, he’s been business as usual, getting more groundouts than flyouts (49/37) and keeping his team in the game. His last start was a doozy, 8 innings and only gave up 2 hits.

The Good Guys knock Derek around pretty good, posting a team batting average of .302 against him. Miggy (10-33) and Kabong (30-11) both have taken him deep twice, Erstad (9-24) has hit 4 doubles off him, Geoff (8-25) and Twinkie (6-20) both have taken him deep as well, and Kaz (5-11) sports a gaudy .455 average. Jason Smith (0-8) sucks against him and Pudge (5-22) has scuffled some. Everyone else has miniscule numbers of at bats against him (see Bourn and Pence, both 1 for 3).

Saturday
Roy Oswalt (0-2, 3.94) v. Jair Jurrjens (2-2, 1.72)

Roy continues to make Astros fans throw shit at their TVs, Oswalt Inninging away any lead that the offense stakes him to. He had a great outing against the Reds, giving up one run in seven innings of work. He only struck out 2, but the dominant Oswalt at least peeked his head out of the hole he’s been hiding in.

Apparently the Braves roster has mostly cycled over, as only 3 of their guys have ever faced RoyO. Chipper Jones (3-13, 3 K), David Ross (1-4), and Greg Norton (0-1) all have faced him, and all have sucked.

Jair Jurrjens parents must have hated him. What a horrible name. He sounds like something a teenage boy’s mother wouldn’t be thrilled to find on her son’s bedstand next to a wadded up Kleenex. And, judging by this picture, Jair is that teenage boy. What, too much? Anyway, Jair has somehow managed to lose two of his starts despite giving up less than 2 runs a game, a 3-0 shutout at the hands of the Pirates and a 3-2 thriller against the Redbirds in his last start.

Current Astros are a whopping 1 for 2 against him. Jason Smith has the only hit. We’re doomed. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Sunday
Wandy Rodriguez (2-2, 1.69) v. Jo-Jo Reyes (0-1, 4.26)

Wandy has been nothing short of awesome so far this year. When his curve is on, he’s a strikeout machine. When his curve isn’t sharp, he’s still finding ways to get outs. Against the Reds in his last start, Wandy was nothing short of brilliant, giving up just 1 earned run over 7 innings of work while striking 5 and walking only 2.

And now the bad news… Current Braves (21-64 for a .328 average with a .983 OPS)rip Wandy like the Talk Zone rips Bizidy and his extended pinky. I won’t get in to the details because this needs to be done before the game starts, and writing out 3/4 of the Braves roster will take for-damn-ever. Slacker Jones (4-7, 2 dongs), Yunel Escobar (3-6), and Brian Barton (2-3) are the ones that I’d be watching out for the most though.

Fuck Jo-Jo Reyes. A grown man named Jo-Jo gets NO love from me. Attention Jo-Jo, Joseph and Albert are BOTH acceptable names for adults. Jo-Jo is your kid sister’s name, not yours.

Current Astros crush Joseph Albert in small samplings. Carlos Lee (3-7), Miguel Tejada (1-2), and Jeff Keppinger (4-7) all knock him around good, again in small sample size. Fat Elvis (1-8), PENCE!!! (1-5), and Towles (0-2) all suck against him, say it with me now, in a small sample size.

Notable giveaways this series…

Sunday is “Bark in the Park” day, whatever the fuck that means. Kids run the bases too. Yee-fuckin-haw. That’s it. Nothing at all being given away this weekend. And people think Drayton is cheap…

Injury Report

Combined Injury Reports

So, in case you didn’t notice, MLB.com went to a new format for their injury report. The injury link takes you to a page with every team’s report on it. Pretty snazzy, until one notices that it says “Fantasy Baseball” at the top of it. Fuckers. (repeated from last week because, hey, its true.

HOU –
Aaron Boone is still on the DL with a broken heart, and probably won’t be playing at any point this season/ever again.
Brandon Backe is rehabbing in AAA right now with the Express.
Brian Moehler got shelled in Midland starting for the Hooks the other night in a rehab start.
Q is on the 15 day DL after an intense makeout session with Mike Cameron near home plate ended in disaster when he developed a sore shoulder.
El Papa Grande is on the DL with an exploded calf muscle. He can come off the DL on May 12th, but I’m not holding my breath on that after hearing they drained 15 gallons of fluid from his calf the other day. Gross.

ATL –
Garrett Anderson is on the 15 day DL with a strained quad following a ballroom dancing incident gone horribly wrong. He is scheduled to be back around May 5th.
Jorge Campillo is on the 15 day DL with tendonitis in his right shoulder, and… wait. Who the fuck is Jorge Campillo?
Tom “Snivelling Woman #2” Glavine is on the 15 day DL with an inflamed rotator cuff after throwing his arms up in frustration after not getting a strike-call on a pitch 2 feet off the outside corner.
Tim Hudson is on the 60 day DL after not using enough Jair Jurrjens while flogging the dolphin and tearing a ligament in his elbow. He’s not due back any time soon.
Brian McCann is on the 15 day DL after being too close to Hudson during the above described incident and being hit by the “splashback” in his left eye. They expect the infection to heal up in the next week or two, and Brian has said repeatedly that he’ll always wear protection from here on out while “catching” for Glavine.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

All this and more on this weekend’s… SERIES PREVIEW!

Discuss today’s game in the GameZone.

*You thought I was going to talk about Walt Weiss, didn’t you? Well, I won’t. Except for right now… Fuck.