***WARNING: If you are faint of heart, don’t find me ranting incoherently funny, or do not like reading long strings of swear words, this is NOT the Series Preview for you. You should probably go re-read one of strosrays’ previews and just pretend it’s about this series. Odds are you’ll learn more that way anyway.***
Minute Maid Park
The Astros are starting to play some decent baseball. They’ve won a few series in a row, things are starting to look up as a few of the important bullpen parts are close to returning fairly soon, and there might just be a small light at the end of this early season tunnel… Or that light might just be the oncoming train full of drunken, shirtless cocksucker Cub fans on their way to Minute Maid to out-cheer, out-drunk, out-obnoxious, and out-asshole the Houston fans. It could be either one.
Projected Matchups from Astros.com
Tuesday
Ted Lilly (6-4, 3.28) v. Brian Moehler (2-4, 6.37)
Fuck Ted Lilly. I hate that guy. He’s a slop throwing lefty that sucks shit through a straw, but for whatever reason, he has a lot of success against Major League hitters (as well as the Astros). As a team, the Astros are hitting .209 against him. Fan-fucking-tastic. Keppinger is the only one with anything approaching success against Lilly, sporting a robust .350 average (7-20). Pudge (6-22) doesn’t suck horribly, but that’s about it when trying to find a silver lining. And speaking of lacking a silver lining…
Brian Moehler should be in the fucking bullpen. He’s a slop throwing righty that is solid for about one and a half times through the order. After that, the Astro Brass starts handing out hard hats so people standing by the Conoco Pump don’t get concussed by screaming, lopsided baseballs being launched their way until Coop wakes up decides the fans have been punished enough and brings in whatever former/future starter he’s deemed not good enough to start but good enough to clean up Moehler’s mess. And here’s some solid news: The Cubs as a team hit .297 against Brian. Milton Bradley and Geovanny Soto are a combined 3 for 19 against him. The rest of the starters light ol’ Moehler up like a christmas tree. Fuck.
Wednesday
Carlos Zambrano, RHP (4-2, 3.72) v. Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (5-5, 2.97)
FUCK Carlos Zambrano. If there is a just God in the universe, Carlos will manage to either miss his flight or end up catching the wrong plane and landing in Houston, Alaska. And while he’s there, maybe the natives will mistake him for a fat seal and club the hell out of him. The Astros hit a dismal .226 against Fat Fuck, so don’t expect an offensive explosion today. Kabong (17-49, 4 dingers), Miggy (7-15, 1 bomb), and Pudge (3-10, 4 Ks) are the only guys with any success against him.
Wandy has just been absolutely crushed all over the yard in his last few starts. Apparently, acting manager Geoff Blum brought this up on the radio today, and it’s been confirmed by Astros.com. I sure as hell hope he’s just tipping his pitches and not running out gas this early in the year. Wandy has been pretty awesome up until the last few games, and seeing him check in with a full season of domination would certainly make me feel better about this team’s pitching staff in the long run. Current Cubs hit Wandy at a .277 clip, with almost all the damage being done by Derrek Lee (12-24) and Ryan Theriot (9-18). I can understand Lee, but come on… Ryan Theroit? Seriously? Fuck that guy.
Thursday
Ryan Dempster, RHP (4-3, 4.12) v. Roy Oswalt, RHP (2-3, 4.66)
Fuck Ryan Dempster. He balks every fucking time he pitches. He sucks ass, but somehow doesn’t get shelled, and on top of all that, his name is about as close to dumpster you can get without seeing/smelling a former dot.com millionaire. The Good Guys hit Dumpster at a .280 clip. Kabong (7-20), Thunderpants (8-17), Kepp (5-12), and Bourn (3-9) all smack his bitch ass around pretty good. Everyone else either sucks or kind of sucks against him.
I won’t treat Roy Oswalt like a Cub. I will say, however, that Roy needs to nut up and start pitching like an ace again. I’m sick of watching a guy that can hit the mid-90s on the gun nibbling like he’s fucking Jamie Moyer. And while we’re on the subject, FUCK Jamie Moyer. But, I digest. Anyway, The Cubs hit .261 against Roy, with only a few standout performers. The Game of Temper Tantrum (3-8, 1 HR) and Micah Fucking Hoffpauir (2-3, 1 HR, and yes, his fucking middle name is Fucking, shut up) both have had good success against Roy in limited quantities. Derrek Lee (16-55, 3 HR) has decent numbers, and ErrorMiss (16-63, 4 HR and 15 RBI) has good power numbers. Everyone else is eh to meh.
Tuesday is Double Play Tuesday. We’re looking at you, Miggy and Carlos.
Wednesday is 10th Season Tee Shirts.
Thursday is the stupidest looking bobble-head I’ve ever seen. Attention Astros Marketing Department: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? STOP THAT SHIT!
Cubs
Chad Fox is on the 15 day DL with a right elbow injury. His return date is Unknown. Ohhhh, mysterious.
Ryan Freel is a cocksucker. And he strained his hamstring and is on the 15 day DL.
Rich Harden mildly strained his back while giving Carlos Zambrano a horsey-ride. Don’t ask. He’s gone until mid-June. Good riddance, says I.
Aaron Miles is listed on the 15 day DL, but I’m pretty sure he’s an asshole… and will be playing during this series.
Aramiss Ramirez is on the 15 day DL STILL after he dislocated his shoulder early this year and isn’t expected back until mid-July. Fucker.
Houston
Aaron Boone left his heart in San Fransisco…
Brocail is still out with a torn fucking hamstring. That makes me cringe more than a Cub fan in a sports bra.
Geary is getting close, but still on the 15 day DL with tendonitis in his right arm.
Felipe Paulino strained his right groin yesterday. Insert your own joke here.
And Papa Grande is getting close to returning as well, as he threw a few simulated innings before the game yesterday and is feeling pretty decent.
Our Interesting Things to Look For:
- This series should be a pretty good test to see if this mild resurgance is the real deal or not for the Good Guys. The Cubs have been struggling pretty badly recently, and few things in this world make me smile more than peckerslapping those lovable fucking losers from Shitcago.
- Just like SXSW in Austin, look for a bunch of pasty faced drunk ass fuckwads to be hanging around Houston/Minute Maid all weekend. They’ll be hammered drunk, smell vaguely like your gym shorts the last week of high school, and mostly annoy the shit out of you. Just remember Mark’s Golden Rule of Dealing With Cub Fans: FUCK ‘EM. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF ‘EM.
- FUCK THE CUBS
And on a more personal note, I’d just like to congratulate two more Talk Zone regulars on tying the knot. Congrats y’all!