Mets at Astros – Weekend Baseball and Crazy Old Ladies

Minute Maid Park

Following a 3 game pecker-slapping of the Co-Ards, the Good Guys play host to the Goddamn Fucking Mets.

Unsurprising Newsflash of the Day: I hate the fucking Mets.

The GFM (Goddamn Fucking Mets) are 2-5 since the All Star Break, and have basically stunk up the joint with their ridiculous payroll/lineup so far. They’re 10 1/2 games back of the Phightin’ Phillies and frankly, I couldn’t be more excited about it.

Friday July 24, 7:05 p.m. FSN-HD
Saturday July 25, 6:05 p.m. FSN-HD
Sunday July 26, 1:05 p.m. FSN-HD

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Johan Santana (11-7, 2.92) v. Mike Hampton (5-7, 4.63)

Despite GFM suckitude, Santana has continued to be a dominant number one pitcher. He’s got a 15 inning scoreless streak going, and is one of the premier starters in the game. Also, he’s the most dominant pitcher after the All Star break in the history of baseball (with 75 or more starts), sporting a ridiculous 59-17 record.

And on to the good news, Santana has a career .98 ERA against the Astros, and Houston hitters sport a horrific .213 average against him in 239 plate appearances. Miggy (11-34, 2 HR) and Kabong (10-32, 3 HR) have done pretty well against Johan, but everyone else is pretty awful. Don’t expect to see Coste (0-8, but he did draw a walk once)starting against Santana. Erstad (10-41) would probably be a better choice.

Hampy has scuffled pretty badly against any team not named the Pirates, so this one could get ugly in a big ass hurry. Mike ‘s ERA after his last two starts (both notably not against the Pirates) is over 9, and things aren’t exactly looking up after checking his numbers against the GFM.

The Mets bat a robust .375 against Hampton as a team, with a 1.078 OPS. That isn’t a typo. David Wright (3-13, 1 HR) and Gary Sheffield (7-27) scuffle against him, but the rest of the lineup pretty much beat Hampy like the rest of the TZ beat up towlie once upon a time.

Saturday

Jon Niese (0.0, 5.91) v. Russ Ortiz (3-4, 4.33)

Thsi game was supposed to belong to former Astro Fernando Nieve, but ‘Nando managed to tweak a leg muscle running the bases and is on the DL. So, Who the fuck is John Niese? I don’t know. Obviously, neither do you. He’s been in the minors for the Mets since mid-May, and apparently has been dominating the shit out of AAA hitters, sporting a .72 ERA in his last 7 starts down in the minors. That isn’t a typo, .72. He hasn’t been named the starter, but Astros.com declares him the “most likely candidate”. And really, writing about TBA is boring, that dude sucks.

The Astros have never faced him, and we all know how well that usually turns out.

Reliable Russ Ortiz, after basically calling Cecil Cooper 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag, went out and bitch-slapped the Dodgers for 6 innings in his first start after the break, giving up 2 earnies and not getting a win because Arias decided to trip all over his own dick, making approximately 253 errors consecutively in one inning.

Russ has problems with the usual suspects: David Wright (6-11, 1 HR), Gary Sheffield (5-13, 3!!!!! HR), and Carlos Delgado (2-3). The rest of the GFM just do okay against him, which is… ok.

Sunday

Livan Hernandez (6-5, 4.93) v. Brian Moehler (7-5, 4.92)

The grizzled one has scuffled a lot in the last month, losing 4 starts in a row before finally facing the Nationals and notching a win against his former club. Livan’s ERA in July 10.93 even counting his 7 innings of 2 run ball against the Nats.

Now on to the good news. The Good Guys hit Livan at a .341 clip in 167 at bats, including Thunderpants and Erstad (4-7 each), Miggy (6-16), Kaz (10-35), and the recently DLed Twinkie (10-33).

Moehler checked in with a quality start in his last outing, going 6 1/3 inning and giving up 2 runs on his way to a win against the Redbirds. After some seriously bad outings earlier in the year, Brian appears to have righted the ship and is pitching pretty damn well for the slop throwing veteran that he is.

Moehler has not fared very well against the GFM, as indicated by the .333 batting average and 1.006 OPS they sport against him. The only good news is that a signifigant chunk of that damage is done by Carlos Delgado (9-29, 4 HR), who, as you’ll read about in a few minutes, is still on the DL. Other current Stem that crush Brian: Carlos “Holy Moley” Beltran (10-19, 4 doubles), Jose Reyes (5-14), and David Wright (5-13).

Notable Giveaways This Series

I have no idea what the fuck a webkinz is, but this is what it looks like. If you know what it is, just keep it to yourself. I’m happier not knowing. Anyway, they’re giving them away on Friday night.

Saturday they’re giving away a Young Professionals Pack. There is absolutely no info about what the hell that is either, so I’m just assuming it’s some kind of folded up hooker in a backpack. Oh, you also might get one of these. Both of those go to the first 10,000 lucky fans.

Sunday you don’t get shit. Deal with it.

Combined Injury Report

Mets
Holy shit! These guys are banged up about as badly as the Padres were.

Carlos Beltran – Out until late July due to his mole becoming self-aware. Both Carlos and Molos are in therapy right now.
Alex Cora – Out recieving hormone therapy for having a name that sounds way too much like a female.
Carlos Delgado – Broke his hip when he lost his grip on his walker rounding 3rd on a home run.
John Maine – Right Shoulder Fatigue. (Insert masturbation joke here)
Ramon Martinez – Actually a puddle of Pedro Martinez’s hair-grease that came to life.
Fernando Martinez – An early attempt at a hybrid of Fernando Nieve and Pedro Martinez. This experiment failed horribly when Fernando injured himself climbing out of the test-tube he was created in and immediately went to the DL.
Fernando Nieve – Post partum depression. (See above)
J.J. Putz – Anyone with the last name Putz is bound to end up on the DL eventually.
Jose Reyes – Groin fatigue after being fellated for 5 years straight by ESPN’s Baseball Tonight crew.
Gary Sheffield – Available as an emergency pinch hitter. Also, his giant ego is being used as a substitute apple for the Met home run celebration until Mets officials can figure out what the hell is wrong with the regular one.
Billy Wagner – Finally popped off to the wrong person. He 86 year old grandmother laid him out with a right cross after Billy said grandma “has honestly got to step up and know that we’ve just used every other pie filling in the fridge” after having a slice of her homemade apple pie.

Astros

Aaron Boone – <3s the Astros.
Doug Brocail – is rehabbing in AAA then AA.
Chris Sampson – can come off the DL July 25th. Suffered shoulder spasms in his throwing arm.
Lance Berkman – strained his calf while reaching for his gummi-bear stash he keeps in his sock. Tried to play through it, but finally admitted he needed some time off for it to heal. Word on the street is that the hot-dog vendors in the stadium are upping their inventory 100% for Lance’s DL stay.

Our Interesting Things To Look For:

It’s been an interesting end of the week for me. My mom fell and basically shattered her elbow Thursday morning, which led to a fun-filled day of taking care of that kind of stuff and hanging out at the hospital. I don’t know about you, but the hospital gives me the creeps. No matter how nice it looks inside, it’s still a hospital. Anyway, my mom is going to be fine, she’s not got a metal plate in her non-throwing arm, as well as some kind of hinge device around her elbow. She’s the bionic mom now.

While leaving the hospital yesterday, I had to exit out the Emergency Room doors since the regular lobby was closed for the evening. As I exited and walked past an older model Caddy, an old woman that was standing by the passenger door to the car asked if I could help her. I said sure and walked over to see what she needed help with. She informed me in a shaky voice that her daughter was bleeding and pointed to the car. I looked around her in to the passenger seat of the car, and looking out at me was the old man (presumably her husband) sitting in the driver’s seat with his arm around a dog. He was restraining the dog, but not having to give much effort to do so, since the dog seemed pretty comfortable. I glanced through the window of the back seat, nobody there that resembled a bleeding daugther, unless she was dressed as an empty shopping bag. I suddenly noticed that this lady was a little twitchy. So I asked what she needed help with, and she pointed wildly to the dog and said “My daughter is bleeding!” and twitched a little more. I looked a little uncomfortable and said, “Ma’am, I don’t think you can take your dog in to the emergency room.” About this time, the old man shouts, “Would you please tell her she can’t take the dog in to the emergency room!?” The old woman declared her intention to take the dog in anyway, while twitching a little more and starting to get obviously worked up. So I excused myself to go “get her some help”. I stepped back in to the emergency room and told a woman behind the counter there was a woman wanting to bring her dog in to the ER. The woman politely informed me that you can’t bring dogs in to the ER unless they’re seeing-eye dogs. I was pretty sure this wasn’t a seeing-eye dog, and told her so. She, looked more than a little irritated, came out from behind the counter to see what all the hubbub was about. As she came outside, with me trailing just behind her, the old woman shouted at nobody in particular, “MY DAUGHTER IS BLEEDING!” I made a sharp turn to the left and left the hospital worker to figure out what the hell was going on. So, if you’re reading this lady that worked at the ER in Seton Northwest last night around 10:30pm, please accept my apology for throwing you to the wolves/bleeding daughters.

Hope y’all enjoyed my best strosrays impression. Beat the shit out of the Goddamn Fucking Mets!

Follow the action in the Game Zone, that is of course unless your daughter is bleeding. And if she is, for Christ’s sake, put a leash on her and take her to the vet!