Miller Park
(NOTE: Throughout this preview you will see intercepted text message conversations from both the Astros as well as the Brewers players. Don’t ask how I intercepted these messages, and especially don’t go look to see if they’re really from www.textsfromlastnight.com.)
With the chance to continue treading water and split a 4 game series with the red-hot Marlins (Jose Valverde: I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit? ), your Houston Astros elected instead to crap the bed to the tune of a 9-2 shellacking. How bad is this team right now?
Stretch Suba: if only i could text you this smell.
Friday August 15, 7:05pm. FS-H HD
Saturday August 16, 6:05pm. FS-H HD
Sunday August 17, 1:05pm. FS-H
Pitching Matchups From Astros.com
Friday
Wandy Rodriguez (11-6, 2.51) v. Yovani Gallardo (10-9, 3.54)
Michael Bourn: How crunk are you?
Wandy Rodriguez: I’m a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Wandy recovered nicely from his strained hamstring in his last start, tossing 7 shutout innings on the way to a 2-0 Astros win against these very same Brewers. Corey Hart (11-27) and Rickey Weeks (5-16) mash Wandy. The rest of the BrewCrew sucks against him, especially Jason Kendall (0-8).
Yovanni was on the losing end of Wandy’s peckslapping of the Brewers, also pitching 7 innings but was the hard luck loser after giving up 2 runs. His numbers are good, but the Brewers keep finding ways to lose when he pitches. Current Astros do okay against Gallardo, with Bourn (3-8) and Blum (3-10) leading the charge. The Good Guys sport a .264 team average against Yovanni in 106 at bats, but have only hit 3 home runs.
Randall Simon (to Yovanni Gallardo): Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Bratwurst suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Saturday
Brian Moehler (7-8, 5.40) v. Mike Burns (2-4, 5.89)
(414): I’m surprised I didn’t puke tonight
This perfectly describes how I feel about this pitching matchup.
The Brewers shell Moehler to the tune of a .366 batting average and a 1.045 OPS. In 7 at bats, no Astro has a hit against Burns.
Sunday
Roy Oswalt (6-4, 3.87) v. Braden Looper (10-6, 4.99)
Roy scuffled in his last start against the Fish, giving up 6 runs but not taking the loss in an absolute embarassment of a ball game. His back is obviously not 100 percent, but he’ll still trot out there and give it the old Mississippi try. Kendall (17-44), Hart (8-16), and Braun (5-11) all wear RoyO out. Everyone else is pretty meh.
Roy: maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn’t such a great idea after all.
Braden Looper sucks. Current Astros batter him pretty good, with PENCE!!! (10-22), Twinkie (10-27), Kaz (6-12), Erstad (5-12), and Coste (3-7) leading the charge. Kabong (6-28, no homers) sucks against him though.
Random Brewers Groupie (about Braden Looper): He told me he had never done that before…I responded with “clearly”
Friday – Not a goddamn thing.
Corey Hart: dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Saturday – Not a goddamn thing again.
JJ Hardy (on the reason he was sent to AAA): I skipped work to stalk him.
Sunday – Finally, something free for the cheese eaters! The first 10,000 fans will receive a Bernie Brewer Tidal Towel! What the hell is that, you ask? I don’t know either. Oh, and the first 10k will ALSO get a Kalahari VIP Savings Card. No, I don’t know what that is either.
Prince Fielder (to Rickie Weeks) : I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I’ve talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Astros
Aaron Boone is playing ball in the minors, and hoping to make it back to the big club in September.
Brocail is back on the DL again, and the note for this one says “GM is ‘worried’ about 3rd DL stint of ’09”. Thank God those MLB guys make the big bucks.
Hampton is falling apart at the seams. Apparently his left shoulder seam is giving out now. He’s day to day, but really, aren’t we all day to day?
Wesley Wright is on the DL and desperately trying to learn to throw right handed, since his left shoulder is about to fall off.
Brewers
Dave Bush is on the 15 Day DL with Chronic Masturbation Arm (CMA).
Chris Capuano is on the 60 day DL with Tommy John surgery. Probably from CMA also.
Corey Hart is out with a vaginectomy. Not sure if they’re removing it or just sprucing it up, but he’ll be able to come off the DL on the 15th of August.
Seth McClung also out with CMA, sprained elbow.
David Riske on the 15 day DL with a torn elbow tendon, return unknown.
Jeff Suppan strained an oblique, and could also be activated on the 15th.
And Rickie Weeks tore a tendon in his wrist trying to get away from Prince Fielder’s text message mentioned earlier in this preview.
Damn, look at all those injured pitchers. Is Cecil Cooper managing the Brewers too?
Texts To Match Players
Discuss todays game in the GameZone, preferably from your favorite cellular device!