Remember that time when the Astros were terrible and everyone in the media was dogging them? Then remember how they climbed out of the cellar and ripped off eight wins in ten games and everyone pretended like they weren’t surprised? And then remember them getting absolutely crotch-kicked by the shit-ass Reds? That was awesome.
On the plus side, the Braves suck just as bad as the Astros do. They’re on a 1-9 skid at the moment, and hoping that some home-cooking against a team that’s just as awful as they are will turn this shitp around.
Turner Field
Friday, April 30, 6:35pm FSH-HD
Saturday May 1, 2:10pm BIG FOX
Sunday, May 2, 12:35 FSH-HD
Projected Matchups From Astros.com
Friday
Brett Myers (1-1, 3.81) v. Tommy Hanson (1-1, 2.14)
So far, Myers has been exactly what this rotation needs. A guy that will battle and eat some innings, and keep the club in the game if they can score a few runs. His last start, by the numbers, looked pretty awful. Brett gave up 11 hits over six innings, but managed to keep the damage to a minimum on the way to a win, only allowing two runs.
The Bravos sport a robust .339 batting average against Mr. Myers, which doesn’t bode well for the Good Guys. Chipper (12-35, 3 homers), McCann (12-33, 2 homers), McLouth (3-8, 2 homers), Matt Diaz (3-4), and (who the fuck is) Martin Prado (3-3) have done most of the damage.
Tommy Hanson is one of 3 brothers that play on the Charlestown Chiefs… What? Oh, right. He’s some guy I’ve never heard of on the Braves. Big difference.
The Stros have faced Hanson once, and sport a shiny .240 average against him. Feliz (2-3), and Kabong Berkman and Matsui (1-3) are all the damage that’s been done to him. Feliz has the Good Guys lone RBI. Oof.
Saturday
TBA v. Tim Hudson (1-1, 3.28)
I like the look of this matchup! The Astros are hoping that Wandy, with an extra day of rest, can fill this spot. Back spasms are making him miss his scheduled start Friday. Wandy’s stats against the Braves aren’t exactly stellar anyway, so no rush to get back, big guy!
The Bravos bat .317 as a team against Eny. Chipper (4-12, 2 homers), Diaz (5-12), Yunel Escobar (4-9), all do pretty well against him. It isn’t a matter of one guy just crushing Wandy, but everyone seems to have a few knocks against him. This could be a long day for Astros fans and a short day for Lil’ Lefty.
Timmy Hudson is a cocksucker. I don’t have any particular reason to say that, I just don’t fucking like the guy.
The good news for the Good Guys is that they knock Timmy around a little bit. The team sports a .330 average against him, with Kabong (11-27, 10 RBI) leading the charge. Matisu-san (5-16), Kep (3-7), and Blummer (4-12) all knock him around pretty good too.
Sunday
Bud Norris (1-2, 5.60) v. Derek Lowe (3-2, 5.79)
Norris has never faced the Bravos. Bud has really scuffled early on. His first three starts lasted exactly 5 innings, and his fourth start only lasted 2.2. Bud clearly isn’t trusting his stuff enough.
Derek Lowe is still pitching in the big leagues? Wow. News to me.
The Astros absolutely whallop Rob Lowe’s less successful brother. Kabong (14-35, 2 homers), Twinkie (8-26, 2 homers), Kaz (8-18), Bourn (5-10, with a triple), and PENCE!!! (3-7) all rake against him.
Notable Giveaways and Promotions
Friday: Brings Friday Night Fireworks to Turner Field. Fucking Copycats.
Saturday: Entertain yourselves, damnit!
Sunday: Kids run the bases. Meet Terry Parker. Bark in the Park. Meet Marty P… You know what? Click on the link and read about it yourselves. I don’t know who the hell Terry Parker or Marty Perez are, and frankly, I’m in too big a rush to write out all this bullshit.
Ridiculous Fantasy Injury Report Disguised as MLB.com Injury Report
Astros
Alberto Arias has been shut down for the year after surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. Ow.
Chris Johnson has a straight Intercostal Muscle. I don’t know what that is, but he’s supposed to be back within the week.
Wandy Rodriguez has back spasms. Not news, we already talked about this.
Braves
Yunel Escobar is day to day after straining his left adductor. Isn’t that some kind of doppelbock?
Jair Jurrjens is day to day with a strained hammy and an overdose of the letter J.
Scott Proctor tore a tendon in his left elbow. Ouch. It’s unsure when he’ll be back.
Jo-jo Reyes is out with a really girly name. And some kind of knee problem.
Jordan Schafer is out with some kind of wrist problem that required surgery. Thanks MLB.com for such in-depth descriptions on these injuries. You’re making me look soooo smart.
Our Things to Look For
- Yokels, a lots of ’em.
- Hordes of adoring Hooters waitresses and underage girls squealing every time Chipper Jones comes up to bat.
- Some cocksucker in the Gamezone reminding us all of Walt Fucking Weiss. (Beat you to it, cocksucker)
- The stink of bad baseball. So help me BBGs, the next time Hunter Pence clanks an easy fly ball or Carlos Lee loafs a pop up into a double, I’m going to snap and kill someone.
Prediction: The Goddamn Braves take two out of three. You’re better served watching playoff hockey.
