It’s been a stressful couple of fucking weeks for Raup the Younger here. Two weeks ago, I drove a 25 foot U-Haul from Austin to Richmond, Virginia. In case you weren’t aware of this, Richmond is a fucking pimple on the herpes sore on the ass on society. I found a nice beer bar downtown near the hotel we were staying at (and lucky for me, it was on the correct side of 5th Street, so it was safe to walk to after dark), but that was just about the only fucking highlight of the entire trip. I got home on Saturday afternoon, managed to have half a relaxing day, then get a phone call Sunday morning informing me that my mother had fallen and shattered her femur. I’m not exaggerating, folks. SHATTERED her femur. And less than a week before that, she’d managed to fall and re-break her elbow as well. The good news in all of this? I didn’t have to wake up at 5am that Tuesday and drive her to the hospital, because she was already there. Needless to say, the last week and change have been stressful and tiring and a lot of words that would probably get this website shut down by some Government Agency that monitors the internet. So, without further ado, all of my frustration, exhaustion, and downright black bile from the last few weeks will now be channeled toward the Goddamn Cardinals.
Friendly warning, if you find F-bombs/liberal curse words spread throughout a series preview offensive, you’d best go find something else to read. Might I suggest looking at this website instead? If you do partake in happy puppy website instead of reading this, I at least expect a nice comment for the warning and link, prick.
Minute Maid Park
Tuesday April 26th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678
Wednesday April 27th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678
Thursday April 28th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678
Projected Matchups from Astros.com
Tuesday
Jaime Garcia (3-0, 1.44 ERA) vs. Bud Norris (1-1, 4.91 ERA)
I don’t know who the fuck Jaime Garcia is, but he can go fuck himself. He’s 24 years old, and looks like the love-child of Albert Pujols and Mike Hampton.
Jaime’s numbers this year are pretty damn spectacular, but the Astros, in limited chances against him, have positively destroyed his Turdinal ass. Collectively, the Good Guys sport a .500 (9-18) average against him, and there are a lot of guys that have gotten in on the action. Kabong (2-3), Senor Sanchez (2-3, 2B, 2 RBIs), Boojwah (1-3, 2B, RBI), CJ (1-2, RBI), Downs (1-2, BB), and Billy Hall (1-1, HR, RBI). Beaker, of course, is horrible against him (0-3, K). I suspect that means he knows how to bounce a slider.
Bud Norris has been his usual obnoxious self so far this year. Way too many pitches per batter, lots of strike outs to go along with lots of hits, and a high ERA. The only real upside to ol’ Bud so far is his complete and total lack of photogenic picture taking ability. He looks like he’s either about to take a dump or he just got a whiff of what he dropped off in every profile picture I’ve seen of him.
Bud has had some decent success against the Card hitters, with a .264 BA against (23-87). I know you’re just dying to hear how Prince Fuckwad (Not to be confused with Prince Fielder, who’s first name really should be Planet instead of Prince) does against Norris. Lady Albert (4-17, 2 2B, RBI), Holliday (5-19, 2 HR, 2B, 5RBI), Yadi “Slower Than Shit Rolling Uphill) Molina (4-14), The”Quiet”riot (2-7), Rasmus (4-16, 2 RB, HR), Former President Jon Jay (1-3), and a few other fucking schulbs nobody cares about anyway.
Wednesday
Kyle Lohse (3-1, 2.01 ERA) v. J.A. Happ (1-3, 6.94)
How the FUCK does scrubby asshole Kyle Lohse has a 2.01 ERA?! That is re-goddamn-diculous. And while we’re on the topic, why does his picture on ESPN look like someone badly photoshopped an ugly landing strip goatee and a Cards hat on a picture of The Rock? I probably should know my role and shut my mouth about the whole thing, Jabroni.
Dwayne Johnson I mean, The People’s Champion. DAMNIT, Kyle Lohse, sports a decent .266 BA Against (41-151). Thunderpants blinks even less than normal (read: NEVER) against Kyle (11-31), Kabong (20-64, 6 2B, 5 HR, 9RBI), and Q (3-10, 2B, RBI) all hit him pretty well. It gets real ugly real fast after that: Michael (1-6), Hall (1-15), Bourn (4-24), and Rodeo Clown (0-2).
J.A. Happ has been pretty goddamn awful so far this year. That ERA is atrocious, and really, aside from one sparkling start (7 2/3 innings, 4 hits, 1 earned run, 4 walks, 5 strikeouts vs. Florida), he’s been a shit sandwich with extra mayo.
Ah, great news here though! The Asshole Cardinals sport a .375 batting average against (12-32). Princess Pujols (4-10, 2b, HR, 3RBI), Holliday (3-7, 2 RBI), YadiMo (3-7, 2 RBI), and Fucking Twinkie (1-2, HR, RBI) all have had a lot of success against him. More on Berkman at the end, I promise.
Thursday
Kyle McClellan (3-0, 2.16 ERA) v. Suckballs McIsFuckingTerrible (0-3, 8.55 ERA)
This is just ridiculous. The Cardinal starter ERAs look like someone is playing MLB: The Show on the Easy setting right now. 3 guys around 2 runs per 9? What is this bullshit? I don’t even know who this yokel is.
The Astros don’t do much against ol’ Kyle, either. A .243 collective batting average (9-37) doesn’t bode well. Pence!! (4-11, RBI), and Bill Hall (2-5, HR, 2 RBI) are the only guys with even decent numbers against McClellan. Everyone else sucks hint tit ( 5-26 collectively, with 1 RBI and no extra base hits).
I don’t have a goddamn nice thing to say about Nelson Figueroa. Not a single one. He is fucking awful His ERA make Happ’s look like Nolan Goddamn Ryan. He sports a WHIP over 2, and has made it out of the 6th inning once in four starts. He walks a guy every other inning, averages a over a hit and a half an inning, and generally pisses me the fuck off. I’m not clamoring for Lyles to get called up, but come on, I bet there is someone within walking distance of Minute Maid RIGHT NOW (at 4:39pm on Tuesday) that would make a better starter than him.
Now that I got that off my chest, the good news. Greaseball Figs actually sports a decent BAA against the Redbirds (.250, 15/60). Pujols (2-13, 2b), Berkman (3-14, 2B, HR, 4 RBI), Yadi Molina (3-8), and Rasmus (2-4, 2B, RBI), Theriot (2-10, HR, RBI), and Matt Holliday (1-5, HR, 2 RBI) are pretty much all the highs and lows to see here. We’ll just hope for the best/swear at the TV a lot.
Notable Giveaways and Promotions
Tuesday is Price Matters Days. Or just go buy a nosebleed ticket and pretend your George Bush. Nobody will know the difference, just head on down to the fabled “Seats Behind Home Plate”, famed location of Ybbodeus’s Mythical Strike Two Dance.
Wednesday is another Price Matters Days. Fuck this boring ass shit.
Thursday is ANOTHER Price Matters Days. Wow, they must’ve spent the entire Promotional budget on this skanky high school girls that run around between innings and get the local slapdicks to play ring toss. What a load.
Cardinals
Bryan Augenstein strained his groin. Fuck him.
Craig Allen strained his groin too. Fuck him twice.
Albert Pujols has left hamstring tightness. You should try giving La Genius a hummer while in a prone position every now and then, Albert. You’re 44 years old (unofficially), your body can’t handle the daily stresses that it once could.
Skip Schumaker is a douchebag. His name is Skip. Fuck him.
Brian Tallet broke a bone in his right hand. Finally, a real injury! He was placed on the DL April 13th, he should be back Mid-May. We’ll give him a pass.
Adam Wainwright is doneski for the yearski with Tommy John surgery. While this injury is also legit, fuck Adam Wainwright.
Astros
Alberto Arias is out with shoulder tendinitis. He should be back in May.
Clint Barmes is due back right after this series, he is out with broken bone in his left hand.
Jason Castro will hopefully be back just in time for the Astros playoff push in September. He has a torn right knee.
Jeff Keppinger has foot surgery, and should be partaking in some extended spring training games soon. He’ll likely have a few rehab starts in the minors before coming back up to join the big club in May.
Wilton Lopez has an irritated nerve in his elbow. He should be back shortly after this series.
Other Stuff
- I’ll go ahead and start off with Lance Berkman. I posted this earlier, but I’m going to go ahead and paste it here too, just so everyone is crystal clear on how I feel about Lance.
“ou guys can pussyfoot and pansy around all you want.
Fuck Fat Elvis. He’s a Goddamn Redbird Traitor, and I’ll hate him until he isn’t a Goddamn Redbird Traitor anymore. I’d boo him at Minute Maid. I’d boo him at BFiB Field. I’d boo him while he’s asking for extra chili on his Sheriff Blaylock Nachos. And I’d boo him in line to get another Twinkie from the vending machine.
Fuck Lance Berkman.”
All the leadership talk about how he was a leader for the Astros… Hey, guess what? He was a shitty leader that didn’t lead his troops anywhere but Shitsville. Lance always seemed a lot more interested in snacky cakes and chatting with whoever was within earshot of first base than actually being a leader. Now there’s all this talk about what a great leader he is and leading by example. The only example I’ve seen him set is the example of a beloved player that basically needed to be booted to the curb to realize that he was a fat tub of goo that had eaten his way out of shape and in to constant injuries.
All that being said, I reiterate, Fuck Lance Berkman.
I hate the fucking Cardinals, so it makes it easy for me to spew some serious anger on them. Tony LaRussa is a smug cocksucker. Albert Pujols is a lying-about-his-age cocksucker. Matt Holliday is a having-too-many-l’s-in-his-last-name cocksucker. The list goes on. Fuck ’em, says I.
- And lastly, I should’ve written this way earlier in the preview, but my mom is going to be okay. She’ll be rehabbing her busted leg and arm for a couple of months, but she’s already on the road to recovery.
Discuss the game in the Goddamn Gamezone. And if you have any problems or complaints after reading this, please direct them to the SnS HR Director.
