I’m feeling particularly “mail-it-in-y” today, so forgive my candor. This team is terrible. There are no two ways about it. The sense of relief the few times I’ve actually seen the Astros squeak out a win is almost worse than the dropping I feel in my stomach as I watch the early lead they were clinging to go flying out the window in the 4th or 5th inning. That being said, it’s still Astros baseball. We get to watch a sport we love and a team we at least have loved in the past, and they’re still playing the same great game that I’ve loved for almost my entire life.
That’s about all the sunshine I’m pumping though. Fuck the stupid Cardinals.
New Busch (Because we shut down the last dump-ass stadium you dipshits played in)
Tuesday August 20th, 7:15pm. FS-H, MLB.TV
Wednesday August 21st, 7:15pm. FS-H, MLB.TV
Thursday August 22nd, 12:45pm. FS-H, MLB.TV
Probable Starters From Astros.com
Tuesday
Lucas Harrell (10-8, 3.81) vs. Adam Wainwright (11-10, 3.87)
I’m not even going to waste time looking up numbers for this series. It’s going to suck worse than the “Life From Fernando Vina’s Point Of View” reality show. Nothing like looking up at other people’s crotches for 30 minutes (minus commercials of course) to make you feel better about yourself.
Lucas Harrell has been an absolute joy to watch in this season of suckitude. The fact that he has a winning record when you compare him to the rest of this slop jar full of nuts we call a pitching staff is just mind blowing.
I fucking hate Adam Wainwright. Tall, bearded bastard. Not to mention the fact he’s been so damn good for so long now. What an asshole.
Wednesday
Bud Norris (5-10, 5.23) vs. Kyle Lohse (12-2, 2.61)
Bud, quite frankly, I’m tired of your shit. Get it together, man. I used to think you were going to be the next big thing. Now I think you’re just going to be the next thing we trade for some unknown player from some unknown team.
Fuck Kyle Lohse. He’s a slop throwing slapdick, and I hate him.
Thursday
Dallas Keuchel (1-5, 4.99) vs. Jake Westbrook (12-9, 3.50)
Oh Dallas. You suck almost as bad as the city you’re named after. I had really high hopes after the first few Keuchel starts. There was a lot of potential there, both in the fact that his name is impossible to pronounce correctly and the fact that he looked damn good. Well, that ship sailed and sank pretty damn quickly. He has since gotten a pretty severe case of the nibbles, and it hasn’t been pretty.
Speaking of guys I hate… Jake Westbrook, COME ON DOWN. I don’t even know why I hate him. Probably because he’s another shitty retread arm that Drinkin’ Dave Duncan has been spoon feeding HGH to for the last few years so the ligaments in shredded arm would grow back. Either way, I hate him.
Astros
Francisco Cordero is out with a sprain in his foot. I’d be sprained too if I was helping lug that fat tub of goo around all day every day.
Sergio Escalona just has a really cool last name. And Tommy John surgery.
Jed Lowrie is experiencing better range of motion since switching to a new brace. Hey, thanks shitty Injury Report, that is SO helpful!
Jordan Schafer is out with a sore shoulder. How the hell does someone with such a noodle arm hurt their fucking shoulder?!
Kyle Weiland is still out with shoulder herpes. Maybe he gave it to Schafer, too.
Co-Ards
Twinkie the Kid Lance Berkman is out with a “Right, left knee”. I just checked, and holy shit! I’ve got a right and left knee too. Time for some Worker’s Comp claims!
Chris Carpenter is injured again. If you’re surprised by this, well, you’re a dumbass.
Kyle McClellan has a lot of fucking L’s in his name. And is hurt.
Giveaways This Series
Odds are we’re just giving away the series anyway, so we’ll go with that!
Interesting Things To Look For (Loosely Translates to: My Random Thoughts)
- Does everyone have a Cardinal friend? Are they all as insufferably annoying as mine when it comes to baseball? You’re not any better than any fans anywhere else, you smarmy slapdick. As far as I’m concerned, you’re probably not even the best fans in St. Louis, let alone baseball. So shut the fuck up and hurry home to watch the game you DVRed (of course ignoring the fact that there is NO reason to hurry home when you DVRed it, since YOU CAN WATCH IT WHENEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO!).
- The more I think about it, the more I really just hate St. Louis. Everything about them. Their tradition. Their players. Their stupid arch. Man, what a bunch of assholes. They aren’t quite Cubs Fan level, but goddamn, I’m going to miss hating these idiots next season. I wonder how shitty Angels fans are…
- The best news concerning this entire turdburger of a series is that Lance is out. Few things annoy me more than Twinkie knocking the shit out of the ball against the Astros. Fat, traitorous bastard.
Talk about today’s game in the GAMEZONE!