Actually, hate isn’t a strong enough word. I despise the Rangers. I can’t fucking stand them. Their smug fucking smirks when they talk down about the Astros like the Rangers are the fucking Yankees and the Astros are the fucking Cubs. They’re a bunch of bandwagon dicknoses, and there are few things worse than a bunch of fans that only come out of the woodwork when their team finally manages to not suck for a few years. And now we have to play in the same division as the cocksuckers? FUCK!
Minute Maid Park
Friday, May 10th, 7:10pm CSN, MLB.tv (Or Rangers Broadcast on TXA-21 if you can handle the smug fuckery of their announcers)
Saturday, May 11th, 6:10pm CSN, MLB.tv (Or Rangers Broadcast on FSSW if you can handle the smug fuckery of their announcers)
Sunday, May 12th, 1:10pm (Or Rangers Broadcast on FSSW if you can handle the smug fuckery of their announcers)
Friday
Alexi Ogando (3-2, 3.08) v. Dallas Keuchel (0-1, 4.96)
Ogando threw 6 1/3 scoreless against the ‘Stros his last time out against them. He’s been pretty spotty against the league in his last few starts, boasting an ERA north of four and a half and a 1-2 record.
Current Astros are hitting a robust .200 (5-25) against Alexi. Altuve has a double and two Ks in 4 at bats and JD Martinez has a double in his only at bat against Ogando. Pena, Cedeno, and Maxwell each have a single off him in a total of eight attempts.
Kuechel has gotten knocked around pretty good so far this year in the bullpen. This will be his first start of the year… So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.
Current Rangers are hitting .286 (4-14) off Dallas. No fireworks, just four singles from four different cocksuckers Rangers.
Saturday
Yu Darvish (5-1, 2.56) v. Erik Bedard (0-2, 7,.36)
Darvish has been pretty spectacular so far this year. The Rangers have won all but one of his starts, and he’s just blown away the competition.
Current Astros are hitting .144 (5-44) against Yu. He almost threw a fucking perfecto against the Good Guys last time he faced them, until National Goddamn Hero Marwin Gonzalez said “Fuck this shit” and slapped one right below Yu’s darvishes (which is Japanese for balls, true story) in to center for a hit to break it up. So put on your hard hats, boys and girls, this is probably going to be an ugly one to watch for the Whoopassians.
Erik Bedard has been the opposite of spectacular this season. His first two appearances he looked like the second coming of (insert your deity here), and since has looked like a puddle of vomit left to cook in the Chicago sun after another Cubbie day game loss.
Current Rangers are hitting .250 (33-132) against Bedard. Nelson Cruz (6-17, 2 home runs) has done most of the damage against him, with Andrus, Beltre, and Fuckface Catcher all taking him deep as well.
Sunday
Nick Tepesch (2-3, 4.50) v. Jordan Lyles (1-0, 4.50)
Well, ESPN’s stat database just took a mega-dump, so you’re not going to get to find out much about him. It looks like he hasn’t ever faced the Astros, so there’s that. I don’t remember if that means good things or bad things anymore, but I’m just going to assume the worst. DOOM! GLOOM! DEATH! RON WASHINGTON WITH HIS HAT OFF!
Same problem with Jordan Lyles. Instead of actually doing some research, I’m going to assume that Jordan Lyles has dominated the Rangers in his career. Shut up, don’t ruin this for me.
Rangers –
Neftali Feliz is recovering from Tommy John surgery. Fuck him.
Matt Harrison is having back issues. Had a second surgery to address this May 1st. Fuck him, too.
Colby Lewis has an elbow ouchie. Seriously, how can you take someone named Colby seriously? Oh, and fuck him.
Justin Miller also recovering Tommy John surgery. Fuck him, also.
Martin Perez fractured his forearm, and is in the minors recovering. Fuck him as well.
AJ Fuckface strained something. I hope he never recovers. I refuse to spell his stupid goddamn last name, too. I’m not wasting the 3 seconds it would take to figure it out because he’s a douche of the highest variety. FUCK HIM.
Joakim Soria ALSO is recovering from Tommy John surgery. How has nobody else noticed that half of the Rangers pitchers are exploding their arms? What the hell is going on in Dallas? Odds are this is Nolan Ryan’s fault. Oh, and fuck him. Both Joakim and Nolan, if that wasn’t clear enough.
And I hate to say it, but you’ve got to wonder about a pitching staff so full of injured arms…
Astros –
Josh Fields is recovering from a forearm strain. He just started a minor league rehab assignment.
Justin Maxwell is recovering from a fractured hand after being hit by a pitch. He will hopefully be back in early June.
Alex White is recovering from Tommy John surgery.
Friday Night is “Big and Bright Friday Nights” Whatever the hell that is. Also, Fireworks. And a pink cosmetic bag (set of 3) to the first 10,000 fans. Oh man, sign me the hell up!
Saturday Night is Houston Astros Blood Drive and Pink Baseball Cap to the first 10,000 fans.
Sunday Afternoon is Mothers Day (not just at the ballpark, mind you) and Pink Tote Bag to the first 10,000 fans.
All of the above promotions are brought to you by Methodist Cancer Center.
The Rest of the Rest (AKA Other Reasons I Hate The Rangers)
- I, with a fair amount of other OWA’ers, attended Opening Day at Minute Maid this season. Much to all of our surprise, the Good Guys not only were competitive against the Rangers, but put a pretty serious whupping on them and won the game. There were a LOT of elated Astros fans. I was shocked, however, at how many not just depressed but angry Rangers fans we encountered on the way out. We witnessed more than a few verbal altercations, and the outright hostility coming from the Rangers fans we were near was more than a little bit surprising, at least to me. There was open hostility in the air, and Rangers fans were the ones pumping it out.
- When Darvish almost threw a perfecto against the ‘Stros a few nights later, I was at Pinthouse Pizza having dinner and a beer with some of my Floorball playing friends. I was wearing some Astros gear and just casually watching the game. When Marwin broke up the perfecto, I decided it was about time to head home. As I was leaving, there was a slightly drunk Rangers fan (a grown man, probably in his 40’s) openly weeping at the bar while watching the game play out. This guy was eating pizza and drinking at a bar, and was so invested in Yu Darvish throwing a perfect game that it brought him to tears. I’m a big baseball fan, but even I’m not THAT over the top. Get a fucking grip, man.
- Hey, Rangers fan… Any idea who the first Texas team to play in the World Series was? Nope, it wasn’t the Rangers. Astros did it first!
- Hey, Rangers fan… You’ve won the EXACT same amount of World Series as the Astros, ZERO. Turn that nose back towards sea level, asshole. You’re just as baseball irrelevant as we are.
- Hey, Rangers fan… I know you’ve got an Astros hat or shirt stowed somewhere in your house. You ditched it when the Rangers finally started playing good ball a few years ago, but your bandwagoning ass was rooting for the Mud ‘n Blood for a few years at least. You’re from Dallas, we all know about your bandwagoning ways.
- Hey, Rangers fan… Want to hear about the dumbest baseball owner ever? He’s the guy that has his team playing in brutal 110 degree weather for 3+ months a year because his stadium doesn’t have a fucking roof on it. GREAT PLAN! I LOVE HEAT STROKE, TOO!
- Hey, Rangers fan… Fuck you, too.
Go blast your hatred on the Rangers in the Gamezone!