I hate the Rangers. A lot. But there is nothing that compares to the boiling, deep seated, straight up angry hate that the Piece of Shit Chicago Cubs inspire from me. Buckle up, this one is going to be a bumpy ass ride.
The Astros are, believe it or not, actually riding a little mini hot streak currently. After salvaging one win the series against the Mariners, the Astros proceeded to kick the shit out of the White Sox, taking three out of four from them. Next up was a quick two out of three from the Brewers that could’ve easily been a sweep if it weren’t for the Good Guys terrible, terrible fucking bullpen. The pitching has been getting better, and the bats have been more awake than asleep in the last few weeks. Surprisingly, if you take good pitching and combine it with good hitting, you win some ballgames!
That Fucking Dump They Call The Friendly Confines A.K.A. Wrigley Field
Friday, June 21st. 1:20, CSN or MLB.tv
Saturday June, 22nd. 3:05 CSN or MLB.tv (this one is also on WGN, but if you can tolerate THAT bullshit, you’re a better man/woman/Fredia than I)
Sunday June 23rd. 1:20 CSN or MLB.tv
Friday
Dallas Keuchel (4-3, 4.23) v. Matt Garza (1-1, 4.98)
Dallas has been absolutely awesome this month, which is the exact opposite of the city of his namesake both in baseball sense and just in general. He’s 2-1 with a 1.96 ERA and 13 strikeouts in the month of June, and seems to really be putting it together.
Current cocksuckers hit .267 (4-15) off of him, and none of the Lovable Losers have more than one hit off of him. This team has some really fucking stupid names on it. Darwin Barney (1-2) sounds like the friend of a friend you had in college that you eventually come to find out was selling his Adderall to all his friends and failed out because he actually does have ADD and wasn’t taking his meds.
Matt Garza “had one of his best outing of the season in his last start against the Mets, throwing seven scoreless innings…” Wow. 7 scoreless dropped your ERA to just under 5? That’s pretty fucking terrible. I don’t have anything bad to say about Matt Garza (other than his team affiliation) though, so I almost feel bad for the guy. Almost. In his last 3 starts, he’s 0-1 with a 6.38 ERA. Oof.
Current Astros are pretty dismal against him, sporting a .212 (7-33) average. J.D. Martinez (4-7) is licking his chops though! Castro, Cedeno, Corporan and Fields round out the hit parade, with one each.
Saturday
Bud Norris (5-7, 3.64) v. Travis Wood (5-6, 2.74)
Norris has been great at home, but has sucked rocks on the road. In his 6 road starts this season, he’s given up 35 hits in 31 innings. Yuck.
Current Cubs hit .292 (31-106) off of Bud. Another fucking stupid name – Starlin Castro (which sound’s like Fidel’s hippy-dippy daughter) is 7-19 against Bud. DeJesus (5-11) and Soriano (more on this fucktard later, 6-17, 2 HR) both light him up as well. The rest of the hits are scattered around the lineup.
Travis Wood I know nothing about. He looks stoned as hell in his ESPN Profile Picture, though. Even I have a hard time hating guys I know nothing about, but he’s had a pretty good (but short) career, so I suppose I can muster up a little bit of dislike for him. He does also share a last name with one of my least favorite Cub pitchers of all time, which makes it a little easier. Fucking asshole.
Current Astros are fucking terrible against him, sporting a .200 (14-70) average. Ronny Cedeno (4-9), J.D. Martinez (3-10), and Justin Maxwell (2-7) do some damage against him, but that’s about it. The Lil’est Altuve has taken him yard, but only has two hits in eleven at bats.
Sunday
Jordan Lyles (4-1, 3.22) v. Jeff Samardzija (4-7, 3.35)
Jordan apparently took it upon himself this season to debunk my Jordan Lyles Drinking Game (about half way down the page). He’s been fantastic so far this year, as his numbers would indicate. In Jordan’s ten starts this season, he’s given up three or less earned runs all but once, and if you take that one start he gave up eight earned runs in four innings against the Rangers away, his numbers are even more spectacular.
Current Dickless Wonders Cubs hit a paltry .176 (6-34) off of Jordan, with Douchenozzle Barney (2-6) doing the most damage. Dioner Navarro (ANOTHER dumbfuck name, 1-2) is the only current Cub to take Jordan deep.
Jeff Samardzija has like 10 strikes against him already. He’s a fucking Cub. He was a fucking Fighting Irish. And at some point this season he was sporting this horrible fucking mustache. I hate him with every fiber of my being. When the Cubs drafted him a few years ago, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was like some kind of cosmic karma. The stars aligned and just made sure I’d NEVER like Jeff Samarfuckwadstupidlastname.
Current Astros share in my hatred of this dicknose, sporting a .222 (6-26) average against him. J.D. Martinez (2-3), Jason Castro (2-5), and Brandon Barnes (1-1, HR) are the only people that have done anything significant against him, and I salute them for it. Everyone else has been pretty dismal <looking at YOU, Altuve! (0-7)>
Astros
Trevor Crowe – 15 Day DL for a shoulder injury to be named later.
Edgar Gonzalez – 15 Day DL for a shoulder sprain. Since I don’t even know who this is, I’m assuming it’s not a big loss.
Alex White – 6 Million Day DL.
Obnoxious Assholes Cubs
Scott Baker – 60 Day DL. Chronic Masturbation Arm Syndrome (CMAS)
Steve Clevenger – Speaking of stupid fucking names…60 Day DL. Left Oblique Strain.
David DeJesus – 15 Day DL for a Sprained Shoulder
Rafael Dolis – Who the hell is this guy? 15 Day DL right forearm strain.
Kyuji Fujikawa – Don’t even get me started on that one. Just underwent Tommy John surgery. Out for the year.
Zach Putnam – 15 Day DL for a bone spur in his right elbow.
Arodys Vizcaino – I refuse to write anything about a guy who has Arod in his first name. Get outta here with that shit.
Giveaways This Series
It’s the Cubs. They’ll giveaway at least one of the games in a spectacular meltdown fashion.
Friday – Great, just what the world needs. More ways for the Fatgut McNoShirt to get drunk.
Saturday- Exclusive AND Limited Edition! Gotta get me one of these Edwin Jackson Bobbleheads!
Sunday- Fuck. I give up. We’re all being trolled by the Cubs Marketing Team. Ryno the Rhino Build-a-bear. You win this round, interns!
Other Stuff
- If you’re curious how David DeJesus hurt his shoulder, here’s the video (http://wapc.mlb.com/chc/play/?content_id=28016413&topic_id=8878834&c_id=chc). Prepare yourself for a violent collision with a wall, as well as a bunch of nonsense noises from the booth as they talk about it.
- This was already covered on the TZ, but I think it needs to be rehashed. Alfonso Soriano is badmouthing Carlos Marmol in the media pretty hardcore. Just so we’re clear, Soriano is hitting .245 this season. He’s hit all of 7 home runs and his OBP is a sparkling 20 points higher than his average. HE gets to decide who sucks? That seems pretty fair. For the record, Marmol sports a 5.86 ERA and has 2 saves in 5 opportunities to go with 2 Wins and 4 Losses.
- While hunting for what games would be on WGN this series, I stumbled across this gem also (http://www.wgnamerica.com/sports/chicagocubs). Check out the description there. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about Cubs fans, nothing will.
- Subset of Other Stuff, the rest of the stupidly named Cubs: Wellington Castillo, which sounds like some weird fusion puff pastry steak at a TexMex restaurant and Anthony Rizzo, which just makes me think of this every time I hear/see it.
- On a plus note, I noticed that our old friend Cody Ransom is on the Cub active roster. If there ever was a Cub to actually root for, Cody is it. What a great guy, and what a warrior. Dude has 8 home runs in less than 90 at bats, which is more that Soriano has in 261. Fucking awesome.
- And on the saddest note possible, don’t forget you can tune in Saturday to WGN and catch JD calling the game for the Goddamn Fucking Cubs. FUCK.
- And lastly, I’ll just leave this here for your viewing pleasure…
My prediction for this series? I think the Good Guys take it 2-1. I also predict I won’t watch a pitch of it, and I’ll be okay with it.
I’ll probably lurk the Gamezone! But, that’ll be it.
Fuck the Cubs.