The shitty, cellar dwellers of the West Division Arizona Diamondbacks roll into Houston to take on the really shitty Houston Astros, cellar dwellars extraordinaire who have splatted out six in a row in grand style, without even Senator Carl Levin to yell at them.  Atlanta was the latest team to have their way with your home town team, outscoring them 21-4 in the sweep which featured wayward pitching, pedestrian defense, and lots of swishing around at the plate.  As bad as a bunch of Kansas City faggots?  Not quite.  At least those boys know how to turn on a ball.  Anyway, it’s a four game shit sandwich and we’ve all got to take a bite.

Pitching Matchups:

Monday, May 3rd at 7:05pm

Cesar Valdez, RHP (0-0, 0.00) v. Felipe Paulino, RHP (0-3, 5.40)

The D-Backs are calling up Valdez to start in place of Kris Benson who got hit with a purse or something.  Valdez was Arizona’s minor league pitcher of the year in ’08 but sort of sucked last season though he has been pretty good thus far in April.  Since this is his debut and it’s against Houston, look for a lot of weeping and hugging and hand wringing from the Astros hitters.  He’ll be opposing Paulino who has great shit and feels pert as a ruttin’ buck and all but tends not to locate at some really unfortunate junctures in games allowing the opposition to run around the bases a lot.  “Patience” seems to be the word of the day when it comes to Paulino, but it would be nice if he could sorta kinda start figuring this shit out a little.  Wouldn’t hurt, Felipe.

Tuesday, May 4th, 7:05pm

Ian “Nigel” Kennedy, RHP (1-1, 4.45) v. Roy Oswalt, (2-3, 2.73)

MLB.com says that Kennedy has pitched a lot better than his record indicates.  Well, that should make him as happy as a puppy with two dicks now that he’ll be facing the nancy boys in Houston.  But, he’ll have to hold on just a damn minute because there’s no doubt that Roy has a big case of the Red ass after losing to Cincy last week and he’ll be out to set things right.  Trouble is, he didn’t pitch that bad in the loss, but had no support behind him.  No guarantee he’ll be getting it on Tuesday, either.

Wednesday, May 5th, 7:05pm

Rodrigo “Neville” Lopez, RHP (1-1,4.50) v. Brett Myers (1-2, 3.82)

Lopez throws a lot of junk and is wily and skulks around and will sneak a knife on the field and that kind of shit.  He was a non-roster invitee that won a spot in the rotation, so that says something for him.  Or, that Arizona is shit out of luck, one or the other.  He’ll be going against Myers who has been pretty steady and hasn’t lost his shit even once this season, though I’m predicting something gets thrown or kicked by the All-Star break.

Thursday, May 6th, 7:05pm

Dan “Percival” Haren, RHP (3-1, 4.50) v. Wandy Rodriguez (1-3, 3.64)

Haren has reportedly had control issues this year, both on the mound and with his bowel movements, so he’s working on getting his shit together.  All in all, he’s still the dominant pitcher of last season and a damn good hitter, too.  Wandy has had back spasms of late blamed on mechanics and over reliance on hot coffee enemas.  He’s trending a little better in his last several starts, so hope springs eternal if you’re an Astro.

Injury Report

Arizona:

Kris Benson: right shoulder strain (a Gucci purse will do that, Kris).

Conor Jackson: strained hamstring.  Serves you right, you cocky little shit.

Miguel Montero: torn meniscus despite an outstanding name.

Leo Rosales: stress fracture in foot.  Ignorant bastard.

Brandon Webb: shoulder stiffness complicated by piles and the Yellow Jack.

Houston:

Alberto Arias: done with a torn rotator cuff.  Go make yourself a fucking sandwich or something, Alberto.

Chris Johnson: strained intercostal.  What a load of horseshit–get your ass up and run, Johnson.

Wandy Rodriquez: back spasms my ass.  Pitch or be deported.

Giveways:

Tuesday is “Two for Tuesday” or some other lame ass bullshit.  Otherwise, Pam ain’t giving away shit due to being away at another conference for busy executives or something.

Astros team president, Pam Gardner (front row, far left) at a recent organizational sales retreat.

Other items:

Mills is dicking around with the lineup, moving Lee to third and other stuff.  Couldn’t hurt.  Maybe an animal sacrifice or a return to a lard enriched diet at the post game spread would be worth a try.

Dave Clark is teaching the outfielders how to jump up and catch balls going over the fence or going off the fence and such.  Next week’s topics: how to hit the cutoff man and correct etiquette for requesting a happy ending in Milwaukee.

Manzella has been booting balls a lot and Mills decided to sit him.  “Hey, Tommy: if you want to kick balls around, Round Rock is a damn good spot for doing it.”  Not really.  Everett had a bit of a tough time the first time that he got called up, so it’s not unexpected for Manzella to struggle.  Still, it would be a good thing if Tommy could kind of get his shit together.

I suggest both Red Stripe and Modelo Especial for outdoor patio drinking sessions this time of year.  They go good with practically anything, excepting Skyline Chili.  For that, I recommend strychnine.

Richard Boone was a highly underrated actor.  Watch him in opposite Paul Newman in “Hombre” and you’ll see a humdinger of a performance.

I took the missus to see Chelsea Handler a few weeks ago and I’m pretty sure that I was the oldest person there, at least the oldest straight male, represented in shockingly low numbers.  Lots of good looking twenty and thirty something females all dressed up and giggly from a few too many Cosmos.  If you were a young heterosexual male and stationed yourself outside the exit as the show ended, it would have been similar to bears catching salmon swimming upstream.  

There’s a helluva baseball team in Austin right now–the Longhorns have been beating the shit out of everyone–they’re now over 20 wins in a row.  Look for crowd shots at Omaha featuring JimR. and MRaup shirtless, holding John 3:16 signs.  Or, maybe just holding on to something cold and frosty in a cup that tastes like summer and baseball and good times.

Well, maybe not Mudville–that’s a little too poetic and all and I wouldn’t want to get into anything resembling strosraysesque territory; besides I don’t have a goddamn surfboard or a boss record collection or cool as shit avatar.  Also, I’ll point out that Mudville did have a legendary slugger who was hitting at a pretty good clip and the team was in contention and there was a ray of shining hope until the very last second and that’s not what we’re talking about here.  No, we’ve got a team that’s thus far shown some hit and miss pitching and and some solidly putrid hitting on their way to a sterling 0-6 start.  Sure, they’ve drawn two pretty decent teams to play in each series but there’s still no way to put a lot of shine on this dog’s ass.  And, it don’t get easier come this afternoon when Houston motors into New Busch (considered by many better than old bush)where the Cardinals are going to put on a swell pre game, trotting out the Clydesdales and Whitey Herzog and even Mark McGwire who will maybe do a couple of biceps flexes and give his personal testimony or maybe suggest in a true moment of clarity that the new stadium should have been called the “House that Juice Built” or just simply, “Needle Park.”

Here’s your pitching matchups:

Monday, April 12 at 3:15 CT on “FS-H” 0r whatever the hell Fox is calling itself this month.

Wandy Rodgriguez, LHP (0-1, 4.50) v. Adam “Ant” Wainwright, RHP (1-0, 2.57)

After generally sucking ass all spring, working on trusting his stuff and locating birth records and such, Wandy didn’t do too badly in his first start giving up three runs and seven hits to the Giants but that obviously doesn’t cut it when your hitters are still trying to figure out which way is the front for their garter belts.  He’ll have his hands full in facing Wainwright who already appears in solid form, going seven strong innings in his first start and supported by an actual working major league batting order led by the back to back of Pujols and Holliday who are each swinging very well.

Wednesday (not Tuesday), April 14, 7:15CT on my20 and ESPN2

Brett Myers, RHP (0-0,6.00) v. Brad “Will” Penny, RHP (0-0,1.29)

Myers looked like a guy who hadn’t started a game since last May which is exactly who he was, giving up the booty and twelve hits to the Giants in his first start.  Welcome aboard, Brett, and help yourself to plenty of punch and cookies.  RedassBrett will be facing Brad Penny, another Cardinal dickhead who’s already throwing lights out with one run on six hits over seven innings in his opener; just the thing for the light hitting Astros.   Maybe this will be the game when Myers dots a few guys, gets tossed, picks a fight withseveral players on bothteams along with a dowdy Midwestern housewife, composes a sonnet, weaves a fishing net and then finishes it all off with twelve Carlings and a rock and rye.  Or, something like that.  He’s a renaissance man, Brett is.

Thursday, April 15, 12:40 CT, FS-H

Bud Norris, RHP (0-1, 10.12) v. Kyle Lohse, RHP (0-0,6.00)

Norris looked a lot like a pitcher who is basically a rookie making it all up as he goes along in his last start which is essentially what he is.  He threw some real good pitches here and there but unfortunately, they were sandwiched between about 725 other curious tosses during his 2 2/3 innings of overall suck against a Phillies team that is more than happy to receive suck and produce multiple money shots in return.  Clean up was messy that evening and Dennis Liborio gave Norris a towel assessment.  Young Bud will be up against Kyle Lohse who had his own troubles in his initial start against a pretty good Milwaukee lineup, giving up four runs over six innings.  Uh, also, Lohse has been very effective against Houston, going 5-1 in his last seven starts.  Great.  You get a cookie, MLB News.

MASH Report:

St. Louis:

All healthy.  Are you shittin’ me, MLB?  Must be all that clean living among the best fans in baseball.  Maybe LaRussa has extended his pre and post game rubdowns of Pujols to the entire team–that’s all I can think of.

Houston:

Arias has right rotator cup weakness.  Switch hands, Alberto.  You would have known that had you gone to a college with a lot of ugly girls.

Yorman Bazardo: strained shoulder.  Get well, Yorman.  The game needs a player with a name like yours.

Sammy Gervacio: strain of right shoulder posterior cuff.  I’m fairly certain that I don’t even have one of those.

Berkman: lollygagging, now until the 20that the earliest with his right knee thingy.  Seriously, this doesn’t look good for Berkman or the team–it’s hard to see him being anywhere near 100% effective this season.  He’s (allegedly) never been a drug guy–no HGH or greenies–and without ’em, Berkman is like every other ballplayer of the last hundred years: he’s wearing down in his thirties.  He’ll be hanging out in Houston since they have better exercise bikes than at Wrigley and he’s a little homophobic with the LaRussa thing going on in St. Louis.

Giveaways This Series:

Show up at the opener today and they’ll give you a little schedule magnet.  Otherwise, that’s it for the series.  Cheap bastards–Drayton gives away all kinds of shit that you can pile up in your closet and later give away at a garage sale.

Odds and Ends:

Watched a little of the Milwaukee-St. Louis game last night.  Two pretty good teams and couldn’t help thinking back to when the Astros ran a team out onto the field that included a Carlos Beltran batting second –-those cities used to be envious of the lineups and pitching staffs that Houston put on the field.   Not now.

I’m getting a little tired of the “Millsie” thing and now the “Sully” thing, etc.  No word if Gardner is referred to as, “Pamsie.”  Probably not.  Haven’t heard much about Gardner as of late other than she’s still making her fair share of conferences.

Astrosteam president Pam Gardner shown with unidentified team official at recent executive retreat

The Astros have scored fewer runs this season than the Diamondbacks in one inning yesterday.  Thanks, ESPN, for pointing out the obvious.  Next thing you’ll be telling me is that Houston doesn’t have a very good team right now along with the unmitigated gall they once had of competing year end and year out for the playoffs.

Mills (not Millsie) sat Pence and his .095 average.  Next up: someone from the Chronicle to assert a “rift” or something between the new manager and the team’s hearthrob to Houston area ninth grade girls.

The ‘stros were clad in the ’65 unis for Saturday night’s game.  Almost startling to see the hometown nine wearing a real uniform, with even  stirrups and sanitaries to boot.  The current “home white” kit isn’t bad and neither are the road grays (on the odd occasion when they wear them) but the original colors and style are highly pro.  The blocked “HOUSTON” on the old road grays was also outstanding.  I wouldn’t get any hopes up on the organization seizing the day on this–they’re convinced by whatever idiotic marketing study was done or simply by one of Drayton’s grandchildren’s preference that the ugly ass pinstripes and the road softball unis are just the thing.

Speaking of ’65, I was actually in attendance at the Yankees exhibition that kicked off baseball in the Dome but remember absolutely zero of it.  I do, however, recall quite clearly seeing Billy Graham there along with 55,000 or so other mouth breathers amazed that Houston and Jesus could come up with something this goddamn impressive.  They had everything at the Astrodome when it first opened including bullfights (they didn’t actually kill the bulls), lacrosse (yes, lacrosse) and umpteen tours given each day to slack jawed locals and tourists alike who would all return outside to the 98% degree temp and 98% degree humidity and to the massive parking lot and find a new “Astrodome-8th Wonder of the World” bumper sticker on their cars.  People wanted in the place just to behold it.  The Astrodome was obvious proof that God had big things in mind for Texas and America and that those fuckers in Moscow had better bring their lunch if they wanted a piece of us.  But, the Astros went on, of course to prove that God and Texas and America and the Marines and even that thing called momentum can’t always beat good pitching or opposing shortstops named Walt Fucking Weiss.

They played the Masters this past weekend which is fabulous entertainment, especially when so many big names are in contention.  The “limited commercial interruption” deal that the good ol’ boys at Augusta National demand of CBS makes for great viewing, especially the astounding shot of the final pairing of Mickelson and Westwood moving from the 17th green to the 18thtee box and the gallery extending down the length and breath of the narrow, final fairway.   Speaking of shots, was there a better one than Michelson’s iron off the pine straw between the trees and over the certain death of Rae’s Creek to six or so feet from the pin on 13?  I don’t recall seeing one as spectacular when it really mattered with so much hanging on it in a major championship.  It’s the kind of risky endeavor that Mickelson has tried before with often disastrous results–he’s worn the “World’s Biggest Dumbass” title more than once.  But, damn that was a glorious thing to behold.  I don’t know if the Masters is the best major but it is highly unique and also superbly fun with the multitude of lead changes possible and probable on the back nine.  Reasonable prices on beer and pimento sandwiches, too.  I do enjoy the National Open, though, for the pain and suffering it inflects on professional golfers.  Also, the British Open when a nice summer day in Scotland means it’s 35 degrees with a wind blowing at about 50 and a “soft” rain hitting ’em sideways.

I missed the Super Bowl and a good part of the final day of the Masters due to my required attendance at events involving the youngest Bulba daughter.  I still marvel at the lack of attention to MAJOR SPORTING EVENTS on the calendar by the interesting personalities that schedule these sorts of things but that’s another rant.  Anyway, I bemoaned it a little both times but quickly realized there will pretty much always be a Super Bowl and a Masters but some things involving your kids only come around once.  And, that’s kind of where we’re at with the Astros.  It gives you the opportunity to now quite clearly recall what you had when there was a guy named Bagwell at first and a fellow named Biggio playing next to him, with both ripping  the throats out of the opposition–man, those were the days.  And, I’m pretty sure we’ll all live to see another Astros team that’s a winner–maybe even within five years–who knows?  So, now is the time to look back and take note of what we had and to also be real fans of the team and stick with them when they’re down–any asshole can wear a Yankees or Red  Sox or even Cubs hat; that’s not hard to do.   No, this is a great time to watch how prospects develop and how the organization operates and drafts for the future.  It will also be fun watching what the team can accomplish with what they have and to see who rises to the occasion and decides to make a name for himself.  Also fun to listen to Deshaies parse and react to what he sees and Brown chuckle at yet another gem tossed his way by the ex-pitcher.  Just don’t call them Jimsie and Brownsie.

Well, it’s come to this: two teams playing out the string, still enmeshed in less than stellar seasons, trotting out before sparse and lethargic spatterings of fans, still packing and unpacking for trips to Nowhere, or in this case, The Big Nowhere in Ohio, and wondering how in the world it all went to hell this bad.  And, ladies and gentlemen, one of these teams is your 2009 Houston Astros.  The eternal optimism of spring has given way to the warm bucket of shit of late summer–speaking of which, does anyone else think that the logo on the Wyoming Cowboys helmets looks like someone wiped their ass on it prior to kickoff?  No? I guess that’s just me.  Anyway, you know the score by now: an erratic pitching staff, sputtering offense (note the correct spelling, Limey) and so-so defense has our team sitting here at 70-73 on September 14th.  “90 wins,” Cooper?  No, but they’d probably be ten wins better without you along.  While to some extent interesting, it’s been mostly sad and exasperating to watch a career baseball man do and say things that just aren’t said and done at this level–at least not in the light of day.  Had McLane canned him during the season, he’d be finished in baseball after a season full of snafus.  At least now, he’ll get to do the Art Howe gig for the Brewers FSN affiliate next year.  Good luck, Cecil and you’ll be pleased to know they have Costcos in Milwaukee.

Astrosmanager, Cecil Cooper with general manger, Ed Wade in background

Monday, 6:10pm

Wandy Rodriguez, (13-9, 2.76) v. Bronson Arroyo, RHP (12-12, 4.17)

Helluva a year for Wandy–he finally broke out and he did it in a big way.  Not a bad record and that 2.76 ERA says a lot.  He’s been dominant against the Reds this season (0.50 ERA) and he’s coming off a seven inning three hit performance against the Braves.  He has clearly established himself as a solid #2 in any team’s starting rotation.  Too bad the guys on both sides of him didn’t hold up their end of the deal.  Arroyo has eaten innings like it is going out of style and is on dope.  Just ask him.  He essentially told the world (and Bud Selig) “Yeah, I like to take a lot of shit and it makes me play better.  What the fuck are you going to do about it?”  Bud got flushed and fanned himself and called for a UN resolution condemning good dope but that’s about it.  So, you should see Wandy and Bronson for a good portion of the game and at least one of them will hitting the HGH pipe between innings.

Tuesday, 6:10pm

Roy Oswalt, (9-6, 4.03) v. Kip Wells, RHP (1-4, 5.21)

Oswalt is pining for Jake and yearns to be on the ranch “hunting” with his best bud.  There’s really no other reason to explain the highly mediocre year that Roy has turned in.  He’s had his usual share of nicks and gimps but it’s still a head scratcher trying to figure out why the same guy who can go out and dominate one night, can five nights later look highly unbalanced.  I guess the cap on Roy’s season is that he has no decisions against the Reds this year, a team he has owned like no pitcher has ever owned a club.  Time to break one off, Roy.  You know, for old time’s sake.  He’s going against Kip Wells, a Baylor type who probably sits around all day flipping channels between Robert Tilton and tranny porn.  Roy, if you can’t beat this guy, go ahead and head for the ranch–Jake’s got the tent warm.

Veteran pitchers, Roy Oswalt and Jake Peavy proclaim "no quit" in either.

Wednesday, 6:10pm

Bud Norris, (5-3, 5.44) v. Justin Lehr, RHP (4-2, 4.93

Norris is having a typical rookie campaign–some good games, some dumb luck games, some games getting his ass handed to him.  What’s his upside?  Don’t know–haven’t heard anyone call him Drysdale but he’s probably going to be part of your 2010 rotation based on what the club has and what they can get over the winter.  Not having to listen to Cooper will do doubt help him but probably doesn’t make him a 20 game winner.  Lehr is right handed, pitches for the Reds, and likes screwing goats, humming “The Internationale” during the Star Spangled Banner, and enjoys kicking old people in the groin.    If Norris can’t get up for this game, then he’s a goddamn pansy.

Injury Report

Arias: strained right hamstring.  Learning the harpsichord.

Blum: bruised shin and tired of all this shit.  Fondling plane tickets to Hawaii every hour on the hour.

Astros infielder, Geoff Blum declares, "Aw, fuck this shit!"

Hampton: fucked up beyond hope.  Currently on the live dissection table at the UT Medical Center in Galveston.

Oswalt: lower back tightness.  Yeah, you get that from hours and hours spent working on your website, Mr. 44.  Now, go throw the goddamn ball.

REDS:

Thirteen (13) guys on the DL including Taveras, Harang, Volquez, and Nix.  Did the team bus hit a fucking IED in Pittsburgh?

Reds team bus after IED explosion in Pittsburgh

Promotions

Tuesday: “Bark in the Park” night.  This means you get to bring your goddamn yappy-assed dog to the game.  Frankly, it’s probably a good idea all the way around: the dogs won’t know they’re watching two shitty teams and will get the opportunity to take a dump in one of the ugliest parks in America.  The fans will have the privilege of watching some hapless clod slip on a fresh pile, while wearing a Joe Morgan throwback.  What could be better?  Pete Rose would be laughing his ass off before hurriedly getting back to marking off his prop bets.

Wednesday: “Senior Citizens Specials.”  In the middle of the fifth, two lucky old people will get to do the old put the head on the bat and spin around before running to first base.  Both will probably die.  A living winner will get year’s supply of liver from the local Armour plant.  Otherwise, if you’re sixty or above, you get a firm handshake and a half off coupon at SAS.   Nothing looks snappier in Cincy than some of those taupe colored velcro strapped loafers.  Ask JimR.

Final Thoughts

My last preview of the year (all have come at EXACTLY the same time as a work or family issue was developing).  I’m sure you’ll thank me for their relative brevity, lack of father/son baseball as a metaphor for life melodramatic bullshit, and the fact that I have managed to keep you somewhat abreast of the minimal facts of the series at hand and the goings on with team president, Pam Gardner.  Just trying to be of help.

Astros team president, Pam Gardner (source: 2009 Astros Press Guide)

Though our team isn’t going to be in the post season where we want them (you may need to get used to that for a while), this is nevertheless a fantastic time of year–football is back, Texas is beginning to cool to somewhere under 100 degrees, you can shoot harmless migratory birds with glee and wild abandon and eat them, the bratty assed kids are back in school allowing you to sneak home for a nooner with your significant other or others, and you can soon look up into that brilliant harvest (we called it Comanche) moon while you’re taking a leak through the hedges into your neighbor’s back yard.

I played golf with Lurch and austro the other day, and afterwards we had lunch and played cards.  Lurch cheats at Texas Hold ’em and bangs cocktail waitresses two at a time.  austro is a goddamn Rice grad and was formerly a carney.  What the fuck are the odds on shit like that?  There should be a fucking hall or at least a goddamn monument at fucking Rice dedicated to Rice carneys.  He can break down a carney tent, fuck people over in that fucking milk bottle game, and then go do fucking trigonometry.  He’s a pretty good putter, too.  Fucker.

Goodbye 2009 season, goodbye Cecil, goodbye lots of old guys, and goodbye listening to J.D. and Brownie until we meet again.  Sometimes, it’s not all fun, but looking at this site now and then seldom gets old.  I think I speak for a lot of us when I give a big “Gracias” and a hearty whatever to the men and women who make this site what it is. 

Adios, amigos.  Pound that Budweiser.

Astrosteam president, Pam Garner with unidentified team official during "official dress uniform day" at team headquarters.

Houston, 61-63 at St. Louis, 72-54

September is coming, a bonus sweat month for those of us in the Lone Star State.  That means college football, dove hunting, Rosh Hashanah–you can do them all on the 19th.  But, for now we’ve still got some August to go which means more hardball in the dog days.  Your Houston Astros, fresh off a series win versus the AAArizona Diamondbacks travel to Missourah to take on the Coardinals, feeling all fat and happy after thumping  another NL weak sister, the Padres which included a solid performance by Red Sox castoff and single handicapper, John Smoltz.  Houston will have their hands full with a hot St. Louis team, winners of 8 out of their last 10 games set to trot out their best starting pitching along with an everyday lineup that has been heating up, led by a guy named Pujols or something.  The Astros will roll out a couple of their own big guns on the mound for the pleasure of the best fats in baseball and the FSN viewing audience.   Houston is a team that has managed to make things interesting in each of the five seasons leading up to this one; making the playoffs or being right there until the end.  This year, it ain’t looking so good with the boys eight back of the Cards and not much time remaining.  So, if they’re going to make a push, it starts on August 25, 2009 with a series win against the team they’re chasing or else Dennis Liborio begins ordering camo and skunk scent for hunting season.

Tuesday, 7:10pm

Wandy Rodriguez (12-7, 2.89) v. Adam Wainwright, RHP (14-7, 2.61)

Wandy was damn impressive in his last start against a pretty good hitting Marlins team, holding them to four hits (he sucked in his prior start).  Overall, he’s stepped up in a big way this season and has provided Houston with shutdown pitching deep into most games.  He’s known for his dazzling hook which has been deadly on both left and righty hitters in all of his quality starts.  He’ll be going against Wainwright who seems to be getting better in every appearance and goes at least seven frames in virtually any game he appears.  He’s walked one guy in August.  What a dick.  Hopefully, he steps on it.

Wednesday, 7:10pm

Roy Oswalt (7-4, 3.83) v. Joel Pineiro, RHP (12-9, 3.15)

Hard to believe that Roy only has 7 wins at this point in the season but there you have it.  He’d had no decisions in his four prior starts leading up to his appearance against the Snakes and managed to get a win with seven shutout innnings and the bullpen somehow hanging on for a 1-0 victory.    The Cards have fairly lit up Roy in his two starts against them this year, but that is before the new and improved Oswalt that has seemingly benefited from Doug Brocail delivery and anger management therapy.  He’ll be opposed by Pineiro who operates on a let ’em hit it and my boys will field it basis and it has worked well for him, especially at home.  Lucky SOB, Joel and quite a guy.  According to MLB.com, Pineiro’s off season hobbies include fondling obsidian  and forbidden goat love.

Joel Piniero, Cardinal starting pitcher and animal lover.

Thursday, 1:15 pm

Brian Moehler (8-9, 5.29) v. Chris Carpenter, RHP (14-3, 2.16)

Moehler got a win the other day against AAArizona, but it’s been a struggle for him and that seems to be his lot in life: to wheeze, cough, sputter, hack, grind, warble, rattle, and otherwise labor for whatever the hell he can get.  Not a quitter, our boy Moehler, so you have to pull for him and hope he doesn’t get decapitated by a liner back to the mound.  He’s in for a seemingly David v. Goliath struggle against the preening, sneering, and genetically engineered Carpenter, who has been in the habit lately of eviscerating livestock just prior to taking the mound, strewing offal down the length and breath of the clubhouse and into the sheer, nylon thong of Tony LaRussa.  It’s apparently his ritualized  tribute to the god, Ixtab.  Seems to be working for him as he’s in the running for the NL Cy Young.  When he’s not pitching, Chris enjoys scrapbooking and repairing Frigidaires.

Injury Report

Houston:

Boone: throwing spoons and croakers at specks and reds near the JFK causeway.  Look for him at Minute Maid in September, showing off his scar for the pretty girls.

Brocail: allegely on AAA rehab assignment but reportedly deep in the brush, armed only with a knife and his rage vengefully stalking those who dare oppose his quest for righteous righteousness.  And, he’s bringing Hell with him.  Otherwise, he’s feeling better.

Astros reliever Doug Brocail in AAA rehab assignment

Hampton: rotator cuff torn, shredded, tossed, pureed.  Currently cruising the Memorial High School parking lot.  It’s a good school.

St. Louis

Troy Glaus: out with a shoulder injury and back spasms.  Kyle Lohse has a strained groin.  Todd Wellemeyer has elbow inflammation.   That must have been one helluva three way.

Cardinals hurlers Lohse and Wellemeyer prior to current status on disabled list.

Promotional Items

Those cheap bastards in St. Louis aren’t giving away shit.  Part of the blame here goes to SnS regular, Craig, who allegedly soiled an earlier season youth jersey giveaway by systematically farting on all 10,000 shirts.  If you ever come across a kid from St. Louis and he smells bad, you can thank Craig who always has a little something something for a Cards jersey.

Young Cardinal fan still reeking from Craig-stained jersey.

Things to look for:

It’s late August and by this time, you’re well aware of the decidely mediocre 2009 edition of the Houston Astros, a team with lineup gaps galore, suspect pitching, and a manager who digs through his own feces for guidance. 

A defiant Cecil Cooper defends his use of the Astros bullpen and reliance on fecal study for baseball insight.

 They’ve managed to make things interesting the past few seasons but luck seems to be running a little thin this year.  Watchers have been in “next year” mode for a while now, and the off season speculation of what may or what can be done to right the ship is already under way.  Looking at what they have both on the big club and in the minors, it’s difficult to see what can be attained via the trade route which would make Roy and us hapless fan types think Houston will be contenders next season.  Drayton hasn’t thus far shown an inclination to open up the wallet via the free agency route for this coming winter, but he’s done so in the past when his blood suddenly got hot for a super delicious position player or pitcher.  For their part,  GMs are not regular people and Wade will no doubt engineer something out of the blue that no one expected.  Whether whatever he does is effective or will make a difference is another story.

The Cards think that Smoltz was tipping his pitches while with Boston, noting that he did relatively well from the wind up but suffered greatly with men on base.  Apparently, it’s the first thing they study when evaluating pitching talent, to see if a guy is tipping pitches and if they can work their magic to turn him into a world beater.  Interesting stuff and makes you wonder if other clubs have similar takes.  Dave Duncan may like a drink here and there but he’s had a pretty good run evaluating and helping pitchers.

Taking a cue from Oprah, Pam Gardner is said to be starting her own book club with titles both in and outside the world of baseball.  Apparently, she’s beginning with a choice aimed at a younger audience:

Astros team president, Pam Gardner's latest book recommendation aimed at encouraging a young reading audience.

I’m attending a luncheon in a few weeks that will feature Drayton McLain as the guest speaker.  Nice man, Drayton, and he’s always been gracious and generous whenever I’ve seen him–he’s like that with everyone.  Well, most everyone, anyway.  I’ve got a few things to ask him during the meeting’s Q&A, including:

1. Can you describe the specific torments that Scott Boras will encounter in Hell?

2. Do you find pinstripes exciting in a naughty kind of way or something, otherwise when can we expect new unis?

3. What were/are you thinking of when it comes to Pam and Cecil?

4. Beer at Baylor–you can make it happen!

5.Why the pumpkins?  Why the train?  Why Aramak?

Anyway, chime in with suggestions and I’ll see what I can do.  In the meantime, remember that cardinals are always in season.  At least they should be.  I suggest #8 shot.

Your semi-surging 41-42 Houston Astros play host to the raggedy assed Nationals, staggering into the All-Star break with a sterling 24-58 “record.”  It’s hard to be that crappy, but they’ve done it, despite having some fairly good players like stud third baseman, Ryan Zimmerman and ex-Horn and full time slugger, Adam Dunn.  Meanwhile, the Astros have toyed around withthe concept of being a .500 club for several weeks now, but thus far are still kicking around the idea.  With five (5) games in four days with the Sultans of Suck, it’s maybe time to follow old Bum’s advice and “kick the son of a bitch in.”

Thursday:

TBA v TBA

This is the continuation of the May 5th shitfest in D.C., so Washington is the home team and the Bushnecks are the visitors.   Harry Reid and Sheila Jackson Lee get Drayton’s seats and McLane is made to shout, “Yes We Can!” every time Rep. Lee breaks wind.

Rep. Lee (D-Houston) shown in file photo burying a skinny white guy she sat on.

They’re going to pick up the game in the 10th inning  which means that Cooper can resume his long interrupted nap with the first pitch.   Houston can’t use Oswalt, Byrdak, or Sampson (thank you, Jesus) but can use anyone else including LaTroy who was pitching when they suspended the thing back in May.  Washington isn’t supposed to use Joel Hanrahan who has since been traded to Pittsburgh, but in the spirit of being a real fucked up franchise, they’re trying to arrange something through the league office in order to get him into the game.  Selig has indicated he’s inclined to go along with it as long as Houston will agree to another home series with the FTCubs in Milwaukee.  That’s how they roll in the National League, baby!

John Lannan, LHP (6-5, 3.45) v. Russ Ortiz (3-4, 4.11)

Lannan has a winning record and a decent ERA for a pretty crappy team, so that means something.  He’s also left handed which should guarantee him a job well into his AARP years.  He had a very decent outing in his last start against the Braves, holding them to three runs over eight innings.  Ortiz took a complete dump all over the mound in his last outing against the Giants, getting shelled with eight runs.  He’s had some respectable starts, so the Nationals may be the tonic for him to regain the right track.  Probably helps that Backe’s not around anymore with all of his Galveston Ball voodoo tricks he had been throwing at Ortiz.  Had Russ freaked out even more than Bush’s last visit with the team.

Visibly shaken Astros pitcher, Russ Ortiz after former president GHW Bush inquired Ortiz regarding his "taste for snails or oysters."

Friday

Scott Olsen, LHP (2-4, 6.04) v. Roy Oswalt (5-4, 3.81)

Olsen threw 8 2/3 innings, giving up three runs in his last start against Atlanta.  Sounds promising, right, until you figure he’ll be going against Roy in Oswalt’s last start before the break.  Olsen and the Nationals are DOA for this one–Roy will kick ass and take names and you can take that to the Sports Book at Caesar’s.  Stay out of the keno lounge; I had a hooker that looked like Donna Summer ask me for a “date” in there, once.  My dad was standing right beside me, which was an interesting added dynamic.

Saturday

Craig Stammen, RHP (1-4, 4.88) v. Mike Hampton (5-5, 4.16)

Stammen is a middling sinker ball pitcher and has been throwing relatively well as of late.  Hampton was strong in his last start against the Pirates, no doubt helped by the encouragement he received from patrons of the Third Base Sports Bar in Austin.  You just can’t discount the power of good vibes.  Mike, in turn, is continuing his support of good schools in Houston, as well as supporting their young graduates through one on one mentoring.  Mike Hampton is the Houston Astros Sportsman of the Month.

Astros pitcher, Mike Hampton offering tips for success at after party of the Klein High School Spring Sports Banquet

Sunday

Jordan Zimmermann, RHP (3-3, 4.52) v. Brian Moehler (5-5, 5.52)

Zimmermann had been one of the more effective starters for the Nationals but fell apart in his last start against the Rockies, due to rookie jitters and having too long of a last name–all those letters on the back of your jersey start weighing you down by the middle innings.  Moehler has been Moehler, giving the team anywhere from five to seven innings each start and would be helped by a little more generous run support (who wouldn’t).  He should be able to leave it all out there as the team goes on va-cay for the all-star break.  Word is that Brian will be shopping for shirts.

Astros pitchers Brian Moehler and Jeff Fulchino shown at "Boys Night Out" shopping extravaganza

MASH Report

Washington:

Roger Bernadina (CF) broke his right ankle playing “floorball” with MRaup.  Don’t read anything into this.

Matt Chico (P) has a sore elbow, a result of watching the torrid action between Bernadina and Raup.

Jesus Flores (C) has a broken shoulder.  Got slammed, no doubt in the above melee.

Terrell Young (P) has shoulder inflammation from pushing away throngs of Nationals fans.

Houston

Boone is sticking with his story of having a heart condition.   Probably cruising high school parking lots with Hampton.

Brocail threw a bullpen the other day followed by throwing down two quarts of Bud and beating up a carload of Russian mafia types.  He’s feeling better.

Giveaways

Friday

Show up and you get a “Minute Maid Park Grass Planter.”  I had no idea the organization had turned so progressive.

Saturday

It’s “Young Professionals Night” at Minute Maid.  If you have $48 and are 21 and up, you get:

A ticket in the FiveSeven Patio bar area.

Eight wings or nachos

16 ounce beer or soda

Astros souvenir mug

2 pack of Trojan “Ribbed for Her Pleasure” condoms

Pictorial History of “Women in Astros Baseball” featuring team president, Pam Gardner

Astros team president, Pam Gardner shown here encouraging young female Astros fans (file photo)

Travel size container of AstroLube.

Endorsed by Astros players for the lubrication of gloves and selected fans

Odds and Ends

Berkman has had a mediocre first half and didn’t get invited to the St. Louis soiree.  He’s not an obvious egomaniac but it’s not much of a guess to think that not being an all-star will give him a little added fire for the second half.  He’s going to rake and take names and will even hit well at Wrigley.  Book it.

Carlos Lee hasn’t been bad, but he hasn’t been the 2008 Carlos.  Could be too, that he catches fire in the second half.

Will be interesting to see how Tejada and Ivan hold up during the dog days.  Could be they seek out the services of Galveston voodo daddy, Brandon Backe for fatigue remedies.

Former Astros hurler, Brandon Backe, now owner of Galveston area "Voodo and Tarot Card Palace."

Houston’s pitching staff is showing vague signs of jelling, which bodes well for whatever chances they have for a second half run at the playoffs.  Certainly, Oswalt and Rodriguez have stepped up and it appears that if they can solidify something for the fifth starter, you’re looking at a winning team.  82 more games will tell the tale.

The TalkZone has, as usual, been active with numerous subjects, including:

Cooper can’t make out a lineup for shit.  He’s getting some damn solid advice from the boys at SnS but thus far, he ain’t listening and it’s not too much of a stretch to think that complete anarchy may result when it comes to the resumption of the May 5th game tonight.  Hopefully, Blum will be around to keep the thing from going straight into the ditch.

“Ryan Braun is an asshole.”  Goddamn it, I’d love to see Houston activate Danny Darwin for one series with the Brewers.   Braun would have to be treated for PTSD for the rest of the season.

Brisket is tasty and there are various ways to go about the task of cooking it.  You can get good brisket in a lot of places but do yourselves a favor and make a pilgrimage to Lockhart before you die.  Don’t ask for sauce, either.

Senator Harry Reid told the Euros that soccer is America’s favorite sport and that he, himself prefers it over football and baseball.   This should be a wake up call to all of you Pinkos in here to throttle the shit out of Reid before the Bushnecks get hold of this and get back into power.  Of course, they’re a little distracted right now writing love letters and arranging their new offices in the basement of the Old Executive office building that they may never hear about it.  But, that’s a damn awful thing for Harry to say.  Might as well have said he don’t like brisket.

Sometimes, good hitters will play possum.  By that I mean that they will set up pitchers just as pitchers normally set up hitters to throw off their timing.  An example of that is a story my old American Legion coach told us one time.  He had a cup of coffee with the Reds and they brought him up for spring training with them.  He was a  catcher and his first game with them was against the Giants with Willie Mays.  The first time up, he signaled for curves on three straight pitches, with Mays flailing at each.  Thought he had him figured out–he had discovered the chink in Mays’ armour.  The next time up, he signaled curve again and he said that the next time he saw the ball it was going over the light tower in left center field.  Mays winked at him when he crossed home plate.  Think about that when you watch a good hitter on his second or third trip up against a pitcher.  As much shit as he catches sometimes, I’ve seen Berkman do it before.  Dick Allen who used to play for the White Sox and Phillies was a master of it.

Five games against the Nats.  Kick some ass and pound that Budweiser.