Well, it’s not all that bad, really. After all, Houston is 6-4 over their last 10 games. It just seems that way after Millwood plowed over them in game one of the Rangers series followed by the lollygagging gagfest the next night. But, the young ‘uns, Wright and PENCE!!! made it all better for the flight to Minneapolis with some good hustling last night. They’ll be taking on the 34-34 Twins, two back of Detroit in their division and also 6-4 in their last ten. They’ve got a pretty good lineup featuring stud catcher, Joe Mauer who is mashing the ball, along with all-star first baseman, Justin Morneau and outfielders, Michael Cuddyer and Delmon Young. I’m leaving out some guys, but they’re the Twins and in the American League, so pardon the shit out of me. Should be a good matchup–Houston is probably about on even par with them, though they’re at 30-34 and 6 games out of first.
Pitching Matchups
Friday, 7:10pm first pitch:
Roy Oswalt (3-3, 4.37) v. Kevin Slowey, RHP (9-2,4.23)
Roy’s had some apparent tendinitis in his wrist and was given extra rest going into his last start. Everyone seems to agree that it paid off as he had that “Old Roy” look about him in shutting down the D-Backs with both his trademark moving fastball and knee buckling curve falling for strikes. Slowey is racking up the wins this season for the Twins. He’s a 25 year old big ol’ boy from Conroe who struck out 10 in his last start against the Utterly Without God or Possibility of Fucking Redemption Cubs. The Astros wanted to draft Slowey but Bud Selig prevailed upon Drayton as a personal favor to refrain from drafting someone so talented from his own backyard in the spirit of reaching out to the rest of the nation. Bud’s a swell guy. He’s floated the idea of a neutral series with the Cubs at Comiskey and the Grocer is thinking it over.
Saturday, 6:10pm first pitch:
Brian “The Beast” Moehler (3-4, 6.66) v. Scott Baker, RHP (4-6, 5.30)
Along with being subject to frequent shelling, a favorite of the bullpen, and a cooperative interview, Moehler’s now got that “666” mark of the beast thing going for him.
Astros pitcher Brian Moehler shown here answering questions related to a curious mark on his upper forehead
Good for him, he’ll need it against the Lutherans. With the exception of his bizarre complete game against the Pirates, you can count on Brian for a solid five innings of shell shocked fielders crying, “Incoming!”(sometimes three) which also works well for a bullpen that has had its own set of challenges. Moehler will be opposed by Louisiana native, Scott Baker who had a solid 2008 season but is off to a so-so start this year. He threw an effective seven innings against his last start against the Hideous Puss Mongers of Chicago (NL) and has a sub-three ERA over his last three starts. He’s another big ‘ol boy who sort of matriculated at OSU. He’ll be importing a slew of Pi Phis from Stillwater for the game so Alkie may want to avert his eyes during the obligatory FSN crowd shots.
Sunday, 1:10pm first pitch:
Wandy “El Mysterio” Rodriguez (5-6, 3.33) v. Glen Perkins, LHP (2-3, 5.09)
Is Wandy tipping? I thought maybe he got that problem sorted out against the Reeking Tubs of Fucking Goo Cubs but then he went out and shit all over the mound against the Rangers. Who the fuck knows? When he’s on he’s been as solid as anyone out there. For certain, he’s a late bloomer but it really is time for Eny to step up and be the man. Or, a man. Or, at least eight innings of The Man. He’ll be going against Glen Perkins, a more modest sized Minnesotan with above average intellect and his own uncertainties regarding personal hygiene and penis size. He threw eight innings in his first three starts but has been wobbly since. Another lefty/lefty matchup, especially appropriate for all of those goddamn Marxists sipping their little latte drinks in Minneapolis.
MASH Report
Minnesota:
Boof Bonser has, appropriately, a torn labia and is out for the season. Winters are rough in Minnesota.
Pat Neshek has a torn ligament in his elbow from all the hotel room porn. Done for the year.
Denard Span (Like Boof, that is his real name) is on the 15 day DL for an “inner-ear disorder.” You got to be shitting me.
Houston:
Blum is on the 15 day with a strained left hamstring from too many game winning hits.
Boone is lollygagging for the year.
Brocail decided his hamstring mey need surgery after all, allowing him to miss Cooper’s bullshit and to drink beer.
Hampton is on the 15 day with a “tender groin” after the recent Astros charity gala. On a positive note, he found a school district he likes.
Mike Hampton's date, Monique, at recent Astros charity gala
Keppinger is day to day with back pain and a suspect glove.
Paulino has a strained groin developed while watching Hampton do his woman magic. Do your own work, Felipe.
Valverde is physically healthy and active but still quite insane. Mostly he thinks he’s a rabbit named, Lalo.
Astros closer, Jose Valverde in a contemplative moment
Giveaways
Show up Friday at the Metrodome and you get a Kent Hrbek bobblehead. Now, that’s excitement.
Saturday, they’re giving away arguably the worst piece of shit in the history of goddamn baseball, a “Twins Cowboy Hat.” Wear this and you’re saying to world, “Yes, I’m a straight up Gomer.”
The hideousness that is the Twins cowboy hat
Other Info
Cecil the Mad forgot to congratulate Pudge on his milestone(s). Pudge didn’t have a problem with it. After all, he did take an enormous dump in Cooper’s travel bag between innings, so they’re all square.
Astros catcher Pudge Rodriguez walking urgently off the field
Hunter Pence has taken up chess, probably after meeting some Rice chick and trying to come up with some idea to get into her pants. Hey, Hunter: unless she’s one of those anarchist types, diamonds will probably work.
Astros rightfielder Hunter Pence playing chess while also working up a righteous bowel movement
The Rangers announced some recent staff reductions amid rumors that the Astros are contemlating the same. Astros executives are currently attending a team building retreat and were unavailable for comment.
Astros team president Pam Gardner with unidentified executive at franchise's recent team building retreat
They’re playing the US Open this week up in New York. Well, they’re not really playing but wading through rain and water and mud. I always look forward to the National Open due to the severity of the course set up and the pleasure of watching professional golfers suffer through it and this one could be great fun. I’ve been playing a lot of golf myself lately, which should be obvious to anyone after reading the quality of this preview. Mostly, I’m hacking it around but there’s some light here and there. There’s a shithead living along the 5th hole of the course I play who has this wretched goddamn Cubs flag on his patio. I wrote “Fuck the Cubs” on a shitty ball I found and launched it right onto his deck. Fuck him. He’s in for a world of torment as long as that rags hangs outside.
Sunday is Father’s Day. I don’t speak for all fathers but I think that most of us are grateful for a small bit of acknowledgement for whatever good we have done on behalf of our families and not fucking up too much. After that, let us lay on the couch and in the name of God, please don’t make us go to brunch. I don’t have story to tell you about me and my dad and baseball and life and all that–I’ll spare you. I will just tell you that playing catch with my dad remains as one of my best memories of growing up. I won’t overly analyze it. Just say that he was there for me and when it’s all said and done, that’s what matters. If your old man is still around, maybe see if he’s up for it. If you have a son or a daughter that still thinks you’re swell, they’d probably like it to see ol’ dad chase after one thrown over his head. Have fun, everybody.
Play ball. Astros take the series.