Your semi-surging 41-42 Houston Astros play host to the raggedy assed Nationals, staggering into the All-Star break with a sterling 24-58 “record.” It’s hard to be that crappy, but they’ve done it, despite having some fairly good players like stud third baseman, Ryan Zimmerman and ex-Horn and full time slugger, Adam Dunn. Meanwhile, the Astros have toyed around withthe concept of being a .500 club for several weeks now, but thus far are still kicking around the idea. With five (5) games in four days with the Sultans of Suck, it’s maybe time to follow old Bum’s advice and “kick the son of a bitch in.”
Thursday:
TBA v TBA
This is the continuation of the May 5th shitfest in D.C., so Washington is the home team and the Bushnecks are the visitors. Harry Reid and Sheila Jackson Lee get Drayton’s seats and McLane is made to shout, “Yes We Can!” every time Rep. Lee breaks wind.
Rep. Lee (D-Houston) shown in file photo burying a skinny white guy she sat on.
They’re going to pick up the game in the 10th inning which means that Cooper can resume his long interrupted nap with the first pitch. Houston can’t use Oswalt, Byrdak, or Sampson (thank you, Jesus) but can use anyone else including LaTroy who was pitching when they suspended the thing back in May. Washington isn’t supposed to use Joel Hanrahan who has since been traded to Pittsburgh, but in the spirit of being a real fucked up franchise, they’re trying to arrange something through the league office in order to get him into the game. Selig has indicated he’s inclined to go along with it as long as Houston will agree to another home series with the FTCubs in Milwaukee. That’s how they roll in the National League, baby!
John Lannan, LHP (6-5, 3.45) v. Russ Ortiz (3-4, 4.11)
Lannan has a winning record and a decent ERA for a pretty crappy team, so that means something. He’s also left handed which should guarantee him a job well into his AARP years. He had a very decent outing in his last start against the Braves, holding them to three runs over eight innings. Ortiz took a complete dump all over the mound in his last outing against the Giants, getting shelled with eight runs. He’s had some respectable starts, so the Nationals may be the tonic for him to regain the right track. Probably helps that Backe’s not around anymore with all of his Galveston Ball voodoo tricks he had been throwing at Ortiz. Had Russ freaked out even more than Bush’s last visit with the team.
Visibly shaken Astros pitcher, Russ Ortiz after former president GHW Bush inquired Ortiz regarding his "taste for snails or oysters."
Friday
Scott Olsen, LHP (2-4, 6.04) v. Roy Oswalt (5-4, 3.81)
Olsen threw 8 2/3 innings, giving up three runs in his last start against Atlanta. Sounds promising, right, until you figure he’ll be going against Roy in Oswalt’s last start before the break. Olsen and the Nationals are DOA for this one–Roy will kick ass and take names and you can take that to the Sports Book at Caesar’s. Stay out of the keno lounge; I had a hooker that looked like Donna Summer ask me for a “date” in there, once. My dad was standing right beside me, which was an interesting added dynamic.
Saturday
Craig Stammen, RHP (1-4, 4.88) v. Mike Hampton (5-5, 4.16)
Stammen is a middling sinker ball pitcher and has been throwing relatively well as of late. Hampton was strong in his last start against the Pirates, no doubt helped by the encouragement he received from patrons of the Third Base Sports Bar in Austin. You just can’t discount the power of good vibes. Mike, in turn, is continuing his support of good schools in Houston, as well as supporting their young graduates through one on one mentoring. Mike Hampton is the Houston Astros Sportsman of the Month.
Astros pitcher, Mike Hampton offering tips for success at after party of the Klein High School Spring Sports Banquet
Sunday
Jordan Zimmermann, RHP (3-3, 4.52) v. Brian Moehler (5-5, 5.52)
Zimmermann had been one of the more effective starters for the Nationals but fell apart in his last start against the Rockies, due to rookie jitters and having too long of a last name–all those letters on the back of your jersey start weighing you down by the middle innings. Moehler has been Moehler, giving the team anywhere from five to seven innings each start and would be helped by a little more generous run support (who wouldn’t). He should be able to leave it all out there as the team goes on va-cay for the all-star break. Word is that Brian will be shopping for shirts.
Astros pitchers Brian Moehler and Jeff Fulchino shown at "Boys Night Out" shopping extravaganza
MASH Report
Washington:
Roger Bernadina (CF) broke his right ankle playing “floorball” with MRaup. Don’t read anything into this.
Matt Chico (P) has a sore elbow, a result of watching the torrid action between Bernadina and Raup.
Jesus Flores (C) has a broken shoulder. Got slammed, no doubt in the above melee.
Terrell Young (P) has shoulder inflammation from pushing away throngs of Nationals fans.
Houston
Boone is sticking with his story of having a heart condition. Probably cruising high school parking lots with Hampton.
Brocail threw a bullpen the other day followed by throwing down two quarts of Bud and beating up a carload of Russian mafia types. He’s feeling better.
Giveaways
Friday
Show up and you get a “Minute Maid Park Grass Planter.” I had no idea the organization had turned so progressive.
Saturday
It’s “Young Professionals Night” at Minute Maid. If you have $48 and are 21 and up, you get:
A ticket in the FiveSeven Patio bar area.
Eight wings or nachos
16 ounce beer or soda
Astros souvenir mug
2 pack of Trojan “Ribbed for Her Pleasure” condoms
Pictorial History of “Women in Astros Baseball” featuring team president, Pam Gardner
Astros team president, Pam Gardner shown here encouraging young female Astros fans (file photo)
Travel size container of AstroLube.
Endorsed by Astros players for the lubrication of gloves and selected fans
Odds and Ends
Berkman has had a mediocre first half and didn’t get invited to the St. Louis soiree. He’s not an obvious egomaniac but it’s not much of a guess to think that not being an all-star will give him a little added fire for the second half. He’s going to rake and take names and will even hit well at Wrigley. Book it.
Carlos Lee hasn’t been bad, but he hasn’t been the 2008 Carlos. Could be too, that he catches fire in the second half.
Will be interesting to see how Tejada and Ivan hold up during the dog days. Could be they seek out the services of Galveston voodo daddy, Brandon Backe for fatigue remedies.
Former Astros hurler, Brandon Backe, now owner of Galveston area "Voodo and Tarot Card Palace."
Houston’s pitching staff is showing vague signs of jelling, which bodes well for whatever chances they have for a second half run at the playoffs. Certainly, Oswalt and Rodriguez have stepped up and it appears that if they can solidify something for the fifth starter, you’re looking at a winning team. 82 more games will tell the tale.
The TalkZone has, as usual, been active with numerous subjects, including:
Cooper can’t make out a lineup for shit. He’s getting some damn solid advice from the boys at SnS but thus far, he ain’t listening and it’s not too much of a stretch to think that complete anarchy may result when it comes to the resumption of the May 5th game tonight. Hopefully, Blum will be around to keep the thing from going straight into the ditch.
“Ryan Braun is an asshole.” Goddamn it, I’d love to see Houston activate Danny Darwin for one series with the Brewers. Braun would have to be treated for PTSD for the rest of the season.
Brisket is tasty and there are various ways to go about the task of cooking it. You can get good brisket in a lot of places but do yourselves a favor and make a pilgrimage to Lockhart before you die. Don’t ask for sauce, either.
Senator Harry Reid told the Euros that soccer is America’s favorite sport and that he, himself prefers it over football and baseball. This should be a wake up call to all of you Pinkos in here to throttle the shit out of Reid before the Bushnecks get hold of this and get back into power. Of course, they’re a little distracted right now writing love letters and arranging their new offices in the basement of the Old Executive office building that they may never hear about it. But, that’s a damn awful thing for Harry to say. Might as well have said he don’t like brisket.
Sometimes, good hitters will play possum. By that I mean that they will set up pitchers just as pitchers normally set up hitters to throw off their timing. An example of that is a story my old American Legion coach told us one time. He had a cup of coffee with the Reds and they brought him up for spring training with them. He was a catcher and his first game with them was against the Giants with Willie Mays. The first time up, he signaled for curves on three straight pitches, with Mays flailing at each. Thought he had him figured out–he had discovered the chink in Mays’ armour. The next time up, he signaled curve again and he said that the next time he saw the ball it was going over the light tower in left center field. Mays winked at him when he crossed home plate. Think about that when you watch a good hitter on his second or third trip up against a pitcher. As much shit as he catches sometimes, I’ve seen Berkman do it before. Dick Allen who used to play for the White Sox and Phillies was a master of it.
Five games against the Nats. Kick some ass and pound that Budweiser.