Cardinals at Astros – Eh, Throw that One Back

Posted on June 25, 2013 by Craig in News, Series Previews

It must be throwback time, what with the Shitbirds in town and all. Dark Star even hauled me out of my cryogenic chamber to jump-start the festivities. And it’s a good thing, too, because let me tell you, that stasis chamber needed airing out. It was starting to smell like every fat-ass Designated Hitter in the league had spent the night in my room after an all-you-can-eat buffet at Dante Bichette’s Bean-O-Rama and Garlic Palace.

But to be honest with you, I’m not sure I could even rustle up enough air to puff a weak fart in the Cardinals’ direction anymore. I’d give it a good effort, but I might accidentally shart instead (which is more productive and what they actually deserve) but I don’t have any Jake jerseys handy to wipe with.

I mean, really, who gives a shit about the fucking Cardinals now? I still say fuck ’em and feed ’em fish heads – you know, just on general principle – but the passion just isn’t there. It’s just a reflex. They don’t even LaGenius to hate anymore.

Hell, for that matter, it’s hard to even get fired up about the Astros. I can’t watch them on TV. And I don’t mean “Ugh, these guys suck, I can’t fucking watch this.” I mean it as, “Where the fuck are the Astros? They aren’t even on my goddamn TV anymore. I’ve got 9,000 fucking channels and not one of them has the Astros.” So everything I learn about the team, I get from reading you guys.

It’s not like I’ve given up, though. I’ll always be a fan, and the Rangers can always go fuck themselves. And if Dark Star wants to wheel me out of storage once in a while to tell fart jokes about the dumbass Jakes, I’ll try to provide a blast of hot air. And if I accidentally blow mud … well, he’s also got me scheduled for a Cincinnati series in September, so all we need is a bowl of noodles.

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday, June 25, 7:10 p.m. CDT

Wednesday, June 26, 7:10 p.m. CDT

Speaking of throwbacks, I remember way back in the olden days of writing series previews, when I lived on the other side of the fucking country, this was the spot on the page where I’d list the various broadcast channels, cable channels, satellite channels, and premium channels where you and I could watch the Astros. On television. In our very own living rooms. Someday you can tell your grandkids about it, and they’ll think you’re either senile or a goddamn liar, and send your ass to the old folks home. Hopefully the rest home will at least have the correct cable package for watching ballgames.

Notable giveaways

Giveaways? Under this management? They can’t even get the fucking games on TV, so don’t even think you’re going to get a free tote bag or bobblehead or whatever the fuck. And if they did have a giveaway, it would be for the goddamn Jake fans, since there will be more of them in the stands. Hell, if this were a Red Sox series they’d get a Neil Diamond concert and fireworks show.

Actually, there is one thing that will be freely given today, and that’s boos for Carlos Beltran. Well, if anyone in the stands remembers who he is. He was that fucking Mets knob who struck out looking to end the 2006 NLCS. And some bullshit a year before that, but I can’t remember what. By the way, the Whore is 0-for-5 against both Astros pitchers in this series.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday

Jake Westbrook (3-2, 1.76) v. Lucas Harrell (5-7, 4.32)

Westbrook is making his third start after coming off the DL. Jose Altuve is 3-for-7 against him. Carlos Pena has faced Westbrook more than all the other Astros put together, going 11-for-38 with six doubles and four homers, though a lot of that was probably so long ago, the majority of the Astros were still playing T-ball.

All the Cardinals have seen Harrell, and most of them have liked what they’ve seen. Especially David Freese, Allen Craig, and Yadda Yadda Yadda.

Wednesday

Lance Lynn (10-1, 3.42) v. Eric Bedard (2-3, 4.43)

Lynn is 4-0 against the Astros with a 1.42 ERA. The only Astro who has more than one hit against him is Brett Wallace, and, well, you know, he’s not really available. Everyone sucks against Lynn, but Justin Maxwell is especially bad, going 0-for-6 with four strikeouts. Is he even still on the team? I can’t keep up with all these roster moves.

Everyone on the Cardinals has seen Bedard, and done pretty well against him. Matt Holliday is 8-for-20 against him and Allen Craig and Yadda Yadda both have homers. Oh, and so does Ty Wigginton. Ty Wigginton? Damn, I guess all the old Astros pass through St. Louis before they retire. Next thing you know, Twinkie will be a Ranger and Roy will be a Rukkake.

Injury Report

St. Louis – Most of the Cardinals I’ve heard of are all out for the season, those being Chris Carpenter, Jaime Garcia, Jason Motte, and Rafael Furcal. Holy shit, Rafael Furcal? Really? My how time flies. It seems like just yesterday he was being sent to jail after the Astros eliminated the Braves from the playoffs. Oh, where does the time go?

Also, two Cardinals I never heard of – Salas and Gast – are on the DL. Whatever.

Houston – Gonzales, Crowe, and White are on the DL. I’m not sure who they are, but I hope they get better. I mean get well.

Balls in the Dirt

* Hey, speaking of old Astros, I went to a couple of Arkansas Travelers games this month and saw Tim Bogar and Mike Hampton. Bogar is the manager and Hampton is pitching coach. Hampy still has that silky smooth glide when he’s walking to and from the mound, with his head down and short steps. He’s clean-shaven though, so I almost didn’t recognize him. Bogar looks the part of hard-ass manager – he argues with the umps like a boss.

* I love most of the sweet new uniforms the Astros are wearing – they’re throwbacks that actually flew in a circle until they were new again. But look, that DayGlo orange shit they wore in Chicago has got to go. Those bright-ass jerseys look like something a goddamn New York Met would wear, for fuck’s sake. The only time a man should wear something that orange is when he is hunting deer.

*** BREAKING NEWS UPDATE ***

Former Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood found a dead body while paddleboarding in a Chicago harbor today. Wood did not touch the deceased person, but suffered a separated shoulder while paddling over to investigate. He also blew out his right elbow while calling 9-1-1. Both Wood and the cadaver will be sent to Dr. Andrews for reconstructive surgery. The cadaver is expected to report to spring training and will most likely begin the 2014 season at Iowa, with a probable mid-season call-up to the Cubs.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Astros at Reds – The Worst Backyard in Town

Posted on September 7, 2012 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

This shitty season is finally lurching to its end, with one last farewell tour through the Central. But instead of saying goodbye to old friends and their drunk fans and familiar ballparks, this feels more like good riddance to shitty neighbors you never want to see again. Especially the ones who have the worst backyard cookouts and let their stupid dogs shit all over the place.

When I was a kid, I think the Reds were my first favorite team. I didn’t live close enough to Houston to get the Astros on TV, and the Rangers weren’t around yet. But on the Game of the Week I’d see Johnny Bench and this rookie Pete Rose, and that seemed like a good team to follow. My parents finally made me quit practicing my headfirst slide after I knocked the wind out of my asthmatic self one too many times.

Which was just as well, because luckily I got older and outgrew the shit-bag Reds. And I never really thought about the fuckers again until the Astros ended up in the Central. One of the most satisfying bets I ever won was against a Reds fan during the playoff runs in the late ’90s. She had to cook dinner for me and my wife, and planned on making goddamn noodle chili until my wife heard about it and put a stop to that nonsense. I think we had enchiladas or something; I couldn’t really taste it because of all the gloating I was doing.

And those are really the only times I ever paid much attention to the dumbshit Reds, except to laugh out loud at them when appropriate. But now here we are now, looking up at the goddamn Dickities on top of the division, and they’re damn near leading the whole National League. The only team above them is the ExpoNationals, if you can believe that shit. This neighborhood has gone straight to hell, and I don’t really think I’ll miss it.

At least this is the last time we’ll have to hear about Cincinnati’s shit-awful chili and family backyard cornhole tournaments. Unless the assholes get to the World Series, in which case get ready for the Skyline Cornhole craze to sweep the nation. No one’s backyard would ever be safe again.

I think maybe I could root for the American League after all.

Great American Ball Park

Friday, September 7, 6:10 p.m. CDT

Saturday, September 8, 6:10 p.m. CDT

Sunday, September 9, 12:10 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Friday – Free Agent Friday

I thought maybe this was the time for all the Astros who expect to be without a contract next year to have a tryout. But it turns out it’s just some lame drink specials for Reds fans to get shitfaced if they wear a stupid free agent sticker or some shit.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Lucas Harrell (10-9, 3.81) v. Homer Bailey (10-9, 4.09)

Harrell has faced the Reds three times this season and got a win against them last weekend. Most of the Reds hit him well, particularly Jay Bruce who is 4-for-7 with two doubles and a homer.

Bailey has faced the Astros twice this year with no record to show for it, though his record in years past is 4-0. Most of the Astros have seen him, but without much to show for it. J.D. Martinez, Justin Maxwell, and Chris Snyder each have a homer off him.

Saturday

Bud Norris (5-11, 4.80) v. Bronson Arroyo (5-11, 3.76)

Norris is on a freaking 10-game losing streak and hasn’t won since May. He’s pitched better in his last three starts, but whatever. Devin Mesoraco is 3-for-5 against him with a double and a homer. Joey Votto also has a homer off him.

Arroyo hasn’t lost since early August, and probably hasn’t had a haircut since last August. Current Astros are a collective 18-for-100 against him, with the only homer coming from Justin Maxwell.

Sunday

Edgar Gonzalez (1-0, 1.69) v. Johnny Cueto (17-7, 2.58)

Gonzalez was signed out of the Mexican League, and made his first MLB start in nearly three years on Sunday. He held the Pirates to one run in 5+ innings. Miguel Cairo and Brandon Phillips batted against him at some point in the past, and Phillips went 3-for-6 with a homer. Whenever that was.

Cueto beat the Astros back in April but we haven’t seen him since. None of the current Astros have done much against him.

Injury Report

Houston – Matt Dominguez (wrist), Marwin Gonzalez (ankle), Fernando Martinez (thigh), and Scott Moore (groin) are all questionable for this series. Lowrie and Cordero are out until later in the month.

Cincinnati – Shortstop Zack Cozart is questionable for this series. Relievers Nick Masset and Bill Bray are probably out. And Ryan Madson is out for the season.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone. You know, if you aren’t watching football.

Reds at Astros – Yard Sale This Week, Earlybirds Welcome

Posted on July 23, 2012 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

What the fuck, the Reds are in first place? A half-game ahead of the PIRATES? Well I guess it’s a good thing the Astros are moving to the AL West, because this neighborhood has totally gone to shit. It’s like we don’t even know those guys anymore. At least when the Astros move, it will put the stupid fucking Cubs back in the cellar by default, where they belong.

The Reds have won 9 of their last 11, including a sweep of the 3rdinals coming out of the All-Star Break, and another sweep of the Brewers this weekend. Meanwhile, the Astros have only won once since the break, plus they’ve unloaded about half the roster for a trunk full of junk bonds and some IOU’s to be named later.

The owners have backed up the moving vans and decided that a lot of this old crap isn’t worth moving to the AL, so to hell with it, we’re having a garage sale. Maybe the neighbors can use some of this junk. Get whatever you can for it, and let’s get the hell out of here.

Minute Maid Park

Monday, July 23, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, July 24, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, July 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Just the usual Price Matters Days and Double Play Tuesday deals, except for Wednesday when it’s University of Houston night. They’ll be giving away some nice UH-style caps, but there will only be 1,000 of them and you have to jump through some hoops to get them, like buying tickets online at this link. The goodie closet seems to be running thin this year; maybe Luhnow could trade the bullpen to the Royals or whoever for some unpainted bobbleheads.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Mat Latos (7-3, 4.33) v. Wandy Rodriguez (7-8, 3.75)

The current Astros have hit Latos pretty well, going .308 in 65 AB’s. Lowrie is 4-for-5 against him with a double and two homers, and Altuve is 3-for-5 with a double. Ben Francisco and Chris Johnson also have homers off him.

Wandy has faced everyone on the Reds, including the Ghost of Marge Schott and her stupid dog. The Reds have a whopping 263 AB’s against Wandy, but they’ve only hit .266, with 67 K’s. Joey Votto is far and away their best hitter against him, but he’s out for this series. Jay Bruce is only 2-for-29 with 15 strikeouts against Wandy, and Drew Stubbs is only 6-for-25 but he also has a double and two homers. Cairo, Frazier, Heisley, Ludwick, and Phillips also have homers off him.

Also keep in mind that if Wandy gets traded before the deadline, this will be his last homestand. He’s also scheduled to pitch later in the week against the Pirates, if he’s still around.

Tuesday
Mike Leake (3-6, 4.25) v. Lucas Harrell (7-7, 4.24)

Leake has a win and a loss against the Astros already this season. The good guys have hit him pretty well – 18 hits in 55 AB’s – but few of those were for extra bases. Chris Johnson has two homers off and a double off Leake.

Harrell has seen the Dickities once this season and took a loss. Jay Bruce is 3-for-3 against him with a double and a homer. Brandon Phillips is 2-for-4 with a triple.

Wednesday
Homer Bailey (9-6, 3.74) v. Bud Norris (5-8, 5.33)

Bailey hasn’t faced Houston this season, though last year four of his nine wins came against the Astros. Nobody has hit Bailey well, though Martinez and Bixler each have a homer off Homer.

After going 5-1 early in the season, Norris has lost his last seven starts. He hasn’t seen the Reds this year. Ryan Ludwick goes 5-for-15 against him, and Devin Mesoraco has a homer.

Injury Report

Cincinnati – Joey Votto is out until sometime in August. Relievers Ryan Madson and Nick Masset are on the 60-day DL.

Houston – Lowrie, Castro, Weiland, and Escalona are all out. Marwin Gonzalez has a heel thing going on, but it sounds like he’ll be available.

Balls in the Dirt

Alas. Kris and Anna Benson are getting divorced. Kris has been working as a financial adviser since retiring from pitching, but apparently Anna thought his financial methods were too unorthodox. Because instead of using spreadsheets and graphs to dispense his astute advice, he was using his dick.

Now, if you remember, Anna once famously said that if she caught Kris screwing around, she would fuck the New York Mets. All of them, including the groundskeepers and bat boys. I don’t know if they would have to line up alphabetically, or by uniform number, or in a multi-level pyramid, or what, but that was the promise. Well, apparently she’s backing out of the deal. She’s had three kids since making that promise, and now her strike zone is wider than the big red apple at Shea. (OK, actually it was always that wide; after all the pounding she took, Kris probably thought he was fucking a bucket of water. So he decided to trade up, apparently.)

So can you imagine how embarrassed the stupid Mets are? They finally got a chance to put up a crooked number, and Anna Benson threw a fucking no-hitter at them. (Or would that be a no-fucking hitter?) And it would have been a perfect game, but she kept throwing balls off the plate. Now the dumbass Mets are standing there with their balls as blue as their caps, and their dicks drier than a drought.

Anyway, this is all just a long, roundabout way of me saying, one more time, fuck the goddamn Mets.

***
Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Cardinals at Astros – Shitbirds Singing in the Dead of Night

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Craig in News, Series Previews

The Shitbirds just lost three of four to the stupid fucking Mets, including the first no-hitter in Stem history. The cocksucking Mets finally found themselves a slumpbuster … named Johan. Anyway, before losing the series in New York, the Jakes lost a series to Atlanta, and before that they lost three of four to the Faillies.

Meanwhile, the Dickities are sitting on top of the Central, three games ahead of the Pirates (!) and the Jakes. The Astros were holding their own for a while but have slipped recently after an eight-game losing streak. But they are still well ahead of the dipshit Cubs, so at least that’s something.

Despite the long, shitty road trip, the Astros only get this one home series against the Jakes before going back on the road for three more series, including one against the pretend-archrival Rangers. Nolan Ryan was determined to shoe-horn a Lone Star rivalry into the stupid Silver Boot, even though he had to use Drayton McLane’s tight-ass old wallet and Bud Selig’s hairpiece to do it. And amazingly enough he did manage to get all the pieces in place, so start rival-ing, goddammit. Nolan says so.

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday, June 5, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, June 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Thursday, June 7, 7:05 p.m. CDT

Forgettable giveaways

Not a damn thing. Just the usual shit – Price Matters Days, Double Play Tuesday, etc. If you want a pretty bauble then buy it yourself, cheapskate.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday
Jaime Garcia (3-3, 3.78) v. Lucas Harrell (4-4, 4.71)

In 31+ career innings against the Astros, Garcia has an 0-4 record and a 6.89 ERA to show for it. The current crop of Astros goes 17-for-61 (.279) against him, with homers from Lee, Downs, and Chris Johnson. Unfortunately, Lee is on the DL and Downs is on the bus in OKC. Johnson also has 6 RBI and a double against Garcia, and Justin Maxwell is 3-for-4 with two doubles.

Two starts ago Harrell outdueled Clayton Kershaw, then went to Colorado and shat the bed by giving up nine runs in five innings. He had a win against the Cardinals in early May, and current Jakes are 7-for-24 (.292) against him.

Wednesday
Adam Wainwright (4-6, 4.98) v. Bud Norris (5-2, 4.52)

Wainright is fucking 10-1 against the Astros with an ERA of 1.54. Astros on the current roster have gone 9-for-64 (.141) against him with no homers. In fact the only extra-base hit is a double from Carlos Lee.

Norris also took a dump in Colorado, giving up nine runs in less than two innings. But he does have a 7-2 record against the Shitbirds with an ERA at 2.17. Current Jakes are 40-for-156 (.256) against Norris, with two homers from Holliday. The Puerto Rican Whore is the Cards’ best hitter against Norris, at 5-for-15 with three doubles, but he’s complaining of some sort of knee ailment that might or might not be bad. Imagine that. Daniel Descalso, whoever he is, is also 4-for-8 against Bud, with two doubles and a triple.

Thursday
Lance Lynn (8-2, 2.63) v. J.A. Happ (4-5, 4.31)

Lynn was mostly a reliever last year but has made 11 starts this season. He won his first six starts and has gone 2-2 since. He hasn’t faced the Astros this season, but Chris Johnson and Brett Wallace are both 1-for-3 against him.

Happ has had eight quality starts out of his last 11, but over his career is 1-7 against the Jakes. One of those losses was earlier this year. Current Shitbirds have batted .358 against him (38-for-106) with two homers each for Carlos Beltran, Allen Craig, and Tyler Greene. Holliday and Yada-Yada-Yada Molina also have a homer each.

Injury Report
St. Louis – Jaime Garcia is probable for his start in this series. Lance Berkman is on the DL until forever. Scott Linebrink, Jon Jay, Skip Schumaker, Chris Carpenter, Matt Carpenter, and Kyle McClellan are all on the DL for something or other.

Houston – Bud Norris is listed as probable. Carlos Lee, Fernando Abad, Travis Buck, Kyle Weiland, and Sergio Escalona are all on the DL.

Balls in the Dirt

* Speaking of the first Stem no-hitter, they celebrated in style with pitcher Ramon Ramirez injuring his hamstring while running to the dogpile. And then in a show of solidarity with the team owners, the Mets players turned the dogpile into a human pyramid scheme.

* In other douchebag news, bootstrappy conservative Curt Schilling is making a new video game with an alternative version of the Boston Tea Party. In the game’s stunning climax, the stalwart Sons of Liberty will keep all the tea and ships for themselves, then demand exorbitant pay raises and threaten to move to Rhode Island if the king doesn’t give them all his tax revenue. When the king runs out of tax money, they all go on unemployment and complain about government handouts.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Astros at Giants – And Then There was One

Posted on August 25, 2011 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

So I’m guessing this season marks the low point in Astros history. It certainly does for me anyway. Of course all bets are off for next year too, but we can talk about that all winter. For now, this season is the ass-end of Astro history, and it comes six years after the high point.

And there’s only been one player here for the entire fall from the top to the bottom. Wandy. Not that I’m blaming him, mind you, I’m just saying Wandy is the only guy who was there for the World Series and somehow stuck around for the entire downhill run. And hell, even Wandy might be gone by the time you read this.

It’s hard to believe we’ve been watching Wandy’s stone-like babyface for that long – so long that now Old Man Wandy sort of looks like a cross between a cherub and Frankenstein, but with less expression.

When he first came up, the Astros had a rotation that included Oswalt, Clemens, Pettitte … and a rookie named Wandy? What the fuck? And even though we quickly learned how he’d get flustered and have a shitty inning, after a while seeing Wandy’s name in the rotation was sort of comforting. At least he had a familiar face, though thankfully not as familiar as Ezequiel Astacio’s.

Of course Wandy will never be mentioned among the great pitching names of the franchise – Scott, Neikro, Dierker, Richard, Oswalt … no, Wandy doesn’t quite fit there. But, he did pitch more innings for the Astros in the World Series (as a rookie) than Roger Clemens did. And right now Wandy is tied with Darryl Kile at #12 on the Astros’ all-time wins list. He’s #10 on the strikeouts list and #10 in the number of games started.

He’s certainly not one of the greatest Astros pitchers ever, but he’s been a loyal workhorse for a number of years now, and I’m hoping he’s still around next year. So this one’s for Eny, however fucking old he is.

AT&T Park

Thursday, August 25, 9:15 p.m. CDT
Friday, August 26, 9:15 p.m. CDT
Saturday, August 27, 8:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, August 28, 3:05 p.m. CDT

Well here we go with another round of late-ass West Coast games, and it’s a four-game series at that. But who am I kidding, it’s not like I was going to be staying up for these anyway. Like most of the games this season, the game will be on in the background for a while, and then I’ll probably turn it off at some point … probably when the bullpen gives up the lead.

Notable giveaways

Saturday – Tim Lincecum bobblehead. Hairnet optional.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Thursday

Henry Sosa (0-2, 6.35) v. Ryan Vogelsong (10-3, 2.47)

The Astros sent Jordan Lyles down to protect his arm, which meant the rotation had to be reshuffled. Sosa drew the short stick and will have to go on three days’ rest. He just pitched against the Giants on Sunday, for fuck’s sake, and gave up four runs in five innings. Brandon Belt went 2-for-2 with a homer off him.

Vogelsong is second in the league in ERA. He’s tough at home, going 6-2 with an ERA of 1.82, and he’s only allowed three homers at AT&T this season. He has a 2-1 career record against the Astros, but lost to the good guys a week ago. The Astros only bat .226 against him, though Corporan is 2-for-2.

Friday
J.A. Happ (4-14, 6.26) v. Madison Bumgarner (7-12, 3.68)

Happ got recalled from Oklahoma City to take Lyles’s spot in the rotation. (Now there’s a sentence you wouldn’t have expected before the season started.) No one on the Giants has seen much of Happ, though Beltran has two homers off him. Rowand and Ross each have one.

Bumgarner has only faced the Astros once, and that was last Saturday when he gave up four runs in one inning. He’s been especially susceptible to the big inning this year. Jose Altuve had the inside-the-park homer against him, and J.D. Martinez knocked one out. Carlos Lee is 2-for-3 against him.

Saturday
Brett Myers (3-13, 4.95) v. TBA

Pretty much everyone on the Giants has hit Myers well, especially DeRosa (7-for-16), Beltran (12-for-38, four doubles and a homer), and Tejada (6-for-12, two doubles and a homer). Kepp has two homers off him, and Ross, Rowand, and Torres each have one.

The Astros’ website lists the Giants’ starter as TBA, but ESPN says it will be Dan Runzler. He’s mainly pitched out of the bullpen but made his first start Sunday against Houston. He lasted less than two innings and gave up four earned runs.

Sunday
Bud Norris (6-8, 3.73) v. Matt Cain (10-9, 2.90)

Norris has never faced the Giants, though four of their players have seen him. Beltran is 4-for-9 with three doubles, Cabrera is 3-for-6 (but you already knew that), and Ross is 3-for-7. DeRosa is 0-for-5.

Cain is 1-3 against the Astros with an ERA north of 5. However, those stats are pretty suspect because only four current Astros have batted against Cain, and two of them are Castro and Towles. The good news is that Carlos Lee is 6-for-13 with two doubles and a homer off Cain. The bad news is that Barmes is 1-for-18.

Injury Report

Houston – All the usual suspects. Enerio Del Rosario is beginning a rehab assignment.

San Francisco – Damn, the Jints are pretty banged up. Posey is busted and out for the season, as is Dirty Freddy Sanchez. The Giants picked up Carlos Beltran at the trading deadline but of course he’s already hurt too. Pat Burrell is on a rehab assignment, and Andres Torres is finishing a rehab stint and should be back for this series. Eli Whiteside should also be back for this series, whoever he is. Sergio Romo has an elbow thing but should be quarterbacking for the Cowboys by the start of the regular season. Johnathon Sanchez is also on the DL, as is Barry Zito. Brian Wilson and his ridiculous soup-strainer are also on the DL.

Discuss tonight’s late-ass game in the Gamezone.

Brewers at Astros — Phoning it in

Posted on August 5, 2011 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

My internet connection took a shit last weekend and still hasn’t recovered. A repairman is supposed to be here later today but I lnow everyone’s waiting on pins and needles to hear about how the Astros’ weekend series is shaping up, so I’m going to try to write this shit on my goddamn phone.

Don’t expect any fancy formatting or links or pictures or shit. I could probably do it my phone if I tried hard enough, but fuck it. The entire Astros team is phoning it in at this point, so I will too. Though at least I can play Angry Birds on my phone; Drayton probably scaled back the Astros’ phone system to just trac-phones and
international calling cards.

Notable giveaways
A totebag on Friday, replica jersey on Saturday, and something for the kids on Sunday called a cuddle puppy. It looks like a cross between a cheap stuffed toy and a doormat, so at least it’s an accurate depiction of this year’s Astros. Plus it has kind of a sad look on its face, like it just heard Michael Bourn got traded to the goddamn Braves.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone, unless you’re restricted to your phone like I am. In that case just use MLB At-Bat or something.

– sent from my iPhone

Brewers at Astros
Minute Maid Park
Friday, August 5 — 7:05 pm
Saturday, August 6 — 6:05 pm
Sunday, August 7 — 1:05 pm

Pitching Probables
Fuck if I know. Does it really matter? About all I could say is that Carlos Lee hit a couple dingers off this or that pitcher, and Clint Barmes hits him ok too. Dicknose Braun probably does well againsy Wandy and Myers, and probably Happ too

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