The Astros have won five of their last six series, and the one they didn’t win was a four-game split with the Dojers. Now they go on the road for the rest of the month before returning home to end the season against the dipshit Cubs.

The road trip starts in Washington, where the Astros face a four-game series with the Nationals and a meaningless feel-good vote in the Senate that will be filibustered by the Republicans. The Astros are still in third place in the Central, 5.5 games behind the stumbling Jakes. The Astros will probably just get the Washington hotel rooms occupied this weekend by the Texans, except for Gary Kubiak’s room because he still hasn’t decided whether to punt, kick a field goal, or go home.

The Nationals are at the bottom of the East, even behind the stupid fucking Mets. They just got swept by the Phillies including a loss to Roy Oswalt. Adam Dunn is leading the team with 35 homers, 93 RBI, and 179 freaking strikeouts.

Nationals Park

Monday, September 20, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, September 21, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, September 22, 6:05 p.m. CDT
Thursday, September 23, 3:35 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Nothing. Not one single freebie in a four-game series. Well, Thursday is Business Professionals Day, which in Washington means every lobbyist gets a free blowjob from your congressman, instead of the other way around.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Bud Norris (8-8, 4.95)  v. Livan Hernandez (10-11, 3.66)

The Astros are 9-1 in Norris’s last 10 starts. He’s never faced the Nationals, nor any of the rejects who play for them.

Hernandez is 10-5 in his career against the Astros, though some of those games were probably before many of the Houston players was born. Geoff Blum and Carlos Lee each bat .333 with one homer against Hernandez. Hunter Pence is 5-for-10 against him with two doubles.

Tuesday
J.A. Happ (6-2, 3.24)  v. John Lannan (8-7, 4.61)

Happ is 3-0 against the Nats. Current Nationals are a combined 5-for-23 against him, and no one has more than one hit.

Lannan is 3-2 against the Astros and 0-1 this season. Carlos Lee has scorched him in the past, going 7-for-14 with two doubles and two homers. Kepp, Pence, and Blum have also hit him well.

Wednesday
Wandy Rodriguez (11-12, 3.65) v. Jason Marquis (2-9, 7.71)

Wandy is 4-1 in seven appearances against the Gnats. Everyone in Washington has batted against him at some point in the past, including President Obama. Obama hit a homer off Wandy, though he called a meeting with the umpires, compromised on a double, and got stranded at second. Adam Dunn is a blistering 9-for-21 against Wandy with three doubles and two homers. Ryan Zimmerman, Willie Harris, and Pudge Rodriguez also have homers off him.

Marquis is 9-8 against the Astros in 23 freaking appearances. Carlos Lee is 15-for-38 against him with two doubles and four homers, while Pence is 11-for-22 with one homer. Blum and Michaels also have homers off Marquis Mark.

Thursday
Nelson Figueroa (3-2, 3.54) v. Jordan Zimmerman (0-2, 6.75)

Figueroa is 2-4 in seven appearances against Washington. Michael Morse, who I’ve never heard of, is 3-for-3 with a homer off Figueroa. Dunn is 0-for-7 against him.

Zimmerman is 0-1 against Houston but hasn’t faced this year’s team. Pence and Lee are both 1-for-3 against him, and no one else has a hit.

Injury Report

Houston – Moehler and Arias are out for the season, in case you hadn’t heard. UPDATE — Also, Michael Bourn has a strained oblique and is day-to-day.

Washington – Catchers Chris Coste and Jesus Flores are out for the season; centerfielder Justin Maxwell is day-to-day; Josh Willingham is out for the season; and pitchers J.D. Martin, Stephen Strasburg, Tyler Walker, and Chien-Ming Wang are out for the season. Also, Nyjer Morgan is suspended until after this series.

Wrapping it up

Well, that’s it for me this season. See you next April, assuming the SnS owners renew my contract without an ugly arbitration battle.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

The Astros are coming home for a quick series after a long-ass road trip. They lost two out of three to both the Marlins and the goddamn Mets, but they also pulled off a five-game winning streak including four against the Phillies. Hopefully the veterans reminded everyone to wipe their dicks on the curtains before leaving Philadelphia. Now the Astros come home for three games against the Shitbirds before going right back on the road.

The Cardinals are sitting five games behind the Reds and also trailing by a few games in the wildcard race. They swept the Reds in Cincy earlier in the month but have pretty well shit the bed since then. They took a series from the Giants, but they’ve lost series to the Cubs, Brewers, and Pirates, and they just lost three out of four to the Nationals. They might catch the Reds yet, but I doubt it.

*****

And just like that, we made it to September. I don’t know about where you live, but here in Arkansas, July and August were hotter than Satan’s balls. Holy shit it was hot. My garden just said “Fuck it, see you next spring.”

I’d been seeing several mourning doves hanging out on the power lines across the road for the past few weeks, but then this weekend we had the slightest hint of a cool breeze, and the dove were gone. I wasn’t really planning on dove hunting this year anyway. It’s just too much of a pain in the ass around here.

I do plan on going deer hunting though. I didn’t get a deer last year, mainly because it rained so much that our deer camp turned into a swamp. Plus a bunch of wild pigs moved onto the hunting lease and started fucking up all the deer habitat. I think the members of our lease killed as many pigs as they did deer last year.

It’s ironic that every T-shirt, baseball cap, and bumper sticker in Arkansas has a razorback on it, but if you see an actual wild pig in the forest you must kill it immediately, because it’s an invasive, non-native species.

*****

Minute Maid Park

Monday, August 30, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, August 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, Sept. 1, 1:05 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Monday and Tuesday – Nothing special.

Wednesday – Milo Hamilton 65th Anniversary Celebration, presented by the Brotherhood of Nod, with special guests Bob Laublaw, George Michael Bluth, and Maebe Fünke. Security provided by Nico Bellic and Dr. Brown’s Bionic Pimp-Hand.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Jake Westbrook (1-2, 4.06 with the Jakes)  v. J.A. Happ (3-2, 4.26)

Since being traded from the Indians, Westbrook has made five starts for the Cards including a no-decision against Houston. Carlos Lee is 13-for-32 (.406) against him with three doubles and a homer. No one else on the Astros has seen much of Westbrook.

Happ has made six starts since joining the Astros and they’ve all been quality starts, except for that one game against St. Louis. Pujols is 4-for-7 against him with a double and a homer, and Matt Holliday is 3-for-4.

Tuesday
Chris Carpenter (14-4, 2.93)  v. Wandy Rodriguez (10-12, 3.87)

Carpenter is 7-4 in 16 career appearances against the Astros and he’s 1-1 this season. Carlos Lee has 40 at-bats against Carpenter, with only seven hits (and 11 strikeouts) to show for it. Though two of those hits were homers. Chris Johnson and Hunter Pence also have one homer each off Carpenter, though Hunter is only 2-for-15 overall against him. Current Astros have more strikeouts (26) than hits (21) against Carpenter.

Wandy has faced the Co-Ards 17 times but only has a 4-11 record against them. He’s 1-2 against them this year. Holliday is the Jakes’ best hitter against Wandy, going 8-for-26 with a double, a triple, and three homers. Pujols and Lopez also have homers off Wandy.

Wednesday
Jeff Suppan (1-6, 5.72) v. Nelson Figueroa (1-1, 2.15)

Suppan is coming off the DL in time to make this start. He’s 3-8 against the Astros and 0-1 this season. Carlos Lee has a whopping 75 at-bats against Suppan, with seven doubles, a triple, and three homers. And 15 strikeouts. Blum and Pence also have two homers each off Suppan and Michael Bourn has one, though the homer was Bourn’s only hit against Suppan in 12 at-bats.

Figueroa is 2-1 in four appearances against the Cards. None of the Cardinals have homered off him, but Pedro Feliz is 5-for-9. Wait a minute. Pedro Feliz? THAT Pedro Feliz? Well shit. Molina is 3-for-6 against Figueroa, while Holliday is 0-for-4 with three K’s.

Injury Report

St. Louis – Holy crap, there are a lot of injured Shitbirds. Jason LaRue is out for the season after being kicked in the head during a brawl with the Reds. Yadda Yadda Yadda is day-to-day, as is Colby Rasmus. Plus several pitchers are on the DL including Brad Penny, Jason Motte, Adam Ottavino, and Dennys Reyes.

Houston – Keppinger, Lindstrom, and Paulino are on the DL. Moehler is out for the season.

*****

After hearing of Ebby Calvin’s thrilling adventures with the Oregon Highway Patrol while he was a reporter, I remembered this time when I was a reporter and I broke a cop’s finger. Now I don’t want to identify the other party involved, but I will say this:

If you’re a cop sitting in the driver’s seat of a parked car with your arm out the window, drumming your fingers impatiently on the roof … right where the doors meet the roof … while someone else is still getting in the back seat and slamming the door … and I mean really fucking slamming it, because it was a cop car and the door hinges were rusty and creaky and stiff and I had to yank the door twice … well don’t act so surprised when your finger gets crunched, and stuck in the door.

Also, no matter how much you kick and cuss and scream about opening the door, there’s nothing the guy in the back seat can do about it, because the back doors of cop cars can’t be opened from the inside.

I’m just sayin’.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Contributed by Ebby Calvin

I am deeply sorry to report that Mark will not be here for this Pirates Preview.  Instead, you get me.  The guy who knows nothing about baseball.  The guy who’s been out of town since before Oswalt was traded and hasn’t watched a live Astros game since.  The guy who talks about himself in the 3rd person.   Yup, me.

And now that my journalistic obligation to include myself in a story has been fulfilled (for now), I’ll move onto the games.

Surprisingly, ESPN hasn’t picked up any of this weekend’s slugfest between the 4th- and 6th-place teams in the NL Central.  Understandable, but the end of this season holds more for Astros fans to watch than in years past.  Despite the standings, it’s meaningful baseball.  The trade deadline dust has settled, each new player has checked in at the Astros Greyhound Station for their minor league assignments, while Castro and the Walrus get their feet wet.  It’s time to see the fruits of Wade/Heck’s labor, and it’s time to see if the Astros are better at rebuilding (refreshing, whatever) than the Pirates seem to be.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, August 13, 7:05pm CST
Saturday, August 14, 6:05pm CST
Sunday, August 15, 1:05pm CST

Thank goodness the games start 5 minutes after the hour.  Getting to the park by 7pm is nigh impossible, but 7:05, that’s a different story.

Notable Giveaways

Friday the first 10,000 fans get an HEB umbrella.  A terrible idea.  Fireworks after the game.
Saturday is Young Professionals Night, sponsored by Budweiser.  Know thy audience, Budweiser.
The first 10,000 kids 14 and under on Sunday  get a Chest Protector Backpack, which will thwart back-end projectiles (NTTAWWT) from the bullies at school who wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one.

Projected Matchups

Friday

Russ Ohlendorf (1-9, 4.23) vs. Brett Myers (8-7, 3.21)

Ohlendorf is a tall righty who was born in Austin and played college ball at Princeton.  He has a 7.57 ERA in 27.1 IP against the Astros over the last three years and an 8.03 ERA at MMPUS.  Beaker (.375, 1 HR) and Bourn (.286, 3 RBI) hit him well, and the Man Who is So Good He Could Only be Named Angel has 2 hits in 4 ABs against him.  Ohlendorf doesn’t throw weak-ass shit to Keppinger, who is 1/14 against him.  Blummer (.286) and Carlos (.250, 1 HR) hit him pretty well, too.

No current Pirate has a HR off of Myers, but The Current and Future Anchor of the Staff would do well to avoid the Milledge Idiot, who has hit him for .300 with 4 RBIs over 20 ABs.  Andy TheRoach is a perfect 3/3 against him.

Saturday

Paul Maholm (7-10, 4.90) vs. Nelson Figueroa (3-1, 3.38)

Maholm owns the Astros, and anybody who’s watched the team over his 5-year career knows that.  Pence (.258, 1 HR, 6 RBI) and Q (.333, 1 RBI) hold their own against him, but everybody else sucks.  Fortunately, St. Sanchez is 2/3 and has promised much smiting if the Astros fall behind early.
And they probably will.  Figueroa makes his first start as an Astro after WW got sent down.  The ‘Roots have limited experience against him, with 4 hits in 13 ABs as a squad.

Sunday

Jeff Karstens (2-8, 4.39) vs. Bud Norris (4-7, 5.63)

Karstens went to Tech, so we know he’s at least not very bright.  Over the last three years he sports a 5.60 ERA and a .318 BAA vs. the Good Guys.  Pence, again, hits him the most – .429, 1 HR.  Everybody else has marginal success.  Feliz sucks, but we already knew that.
Norris is coming off a nice start (despite the 4 ER), and has one career start vs. the Pirates (6 IP, 1 ER, W).  But the current lineup hits .378 in 37 ABs, so something will have to break.

Injury Report
Pittsburgh
Chris Jakubauskas hit the 60-day DL after spelling his name for the 10,000th time.
Jose Ascaino is on a Class A rehab stint, which probably looks an awful lot like the current Pirates roster.
Steve Pearce is entirely boring and is out for the season.  As if anybody noticed or cared.

Houston
Lindstrom (back) is questionable for Friday’s game.
Manzella is rehabbing in Round Rock, where he’s secretly plotting to take a tire iron to Angel Sanchez’s knees.  Little does he know that even tire irons fear Angel Sanchez.
Moehler is hurt in his swimsuit area, still deciding what to do.
Paulino’s shoulder hurts.
Fuck Arias.

With Apologies to strosrays

“You ever ridden one of these things before, son?” he asked.

“Sure,” I lied.

And why not lie?  How hard can it be to drive a Harley?  I’d driven dirt bikes before in the back country of Missouri, surely an Oregon State Trooper’s Harley Davidson isn’t much different.  I hopped on.

I was covering an Oregon Dept of Transportation (ODOT) motorcycle-safety training course for the Medford, OR CBS affiliate (slow news day), and I needed a cool angle for my standup.  So I carefully set up the tripod, mount the camera, tether my wireless mic and press record.  The idea was to drive around, start giving my reporter spiel and come to a complete stop within frame and in front of the camera.  Didn’t happen that way.

After begrudgingly strapping on a helmet, I was ready to go.  Got the beast humming, cranked the ignition to sound like a badass, then stalled it.  One more time.  “I must be rusty,” I said.  Stalled again.

“Third time’s the charm!”  Stalled.

Fuck.  Here I am, dozens of cops around me, making a complete fool of myself.  Plus the idiot who loaned me his chopper looks a bit more nervous than he did 10 minutes ago.  I need to get this thing rolling NOW.

So I did.  I somehow mastered the whole clutch phenomenon and the thing just took off.  And I mean FAST.  What power! What speed!  I’m doing it! I’m moving fast in a straight line!

But I needed to be turning.

Alas, I didn’t turn.  I froze, stupid grin on my face, and drove right off a three-foot embankment.  I was thrown over the handlebars, through the plastic windshield and onto my head, finally landing on my back.

Once I realized what happened and made sure nothing hurt too badly, I opened my eyes.  Directly above me, just like out of a fucking movie, was a circle of faces looking down at me.  Except all of these faces belonged to cops.  And they were pissed.

I feared the worst for the motorcycle, but happily it survived the tumble in one piece – only the breakaway windshield had to be snapped back into place.  A couple of scratches, but nothing too noticeable.  I made it out with a few cracked ribs, again, nothing too tragic.

Thankfully all of this was out of frame for my camera, which was rolling at the time.  Not so thankfully, my rival station sent a reporter there who was also rolling at the time.  Pointed straight at me.  They ran the story that night.  Fuckers.

And that’s how I successfully crashed a police motorcycle and got away with it.

This relates to Astros baseball because, um, well, you know, it doesn’t.  strosrays I am not.

Astros 2-1

The Astros are coming home for a 10-game stand after a strange roadtrip. The Good Guys started the trip by dropping 27 runs on the Jakes in two games, but then they just sort of shit the bed the rest of the way.

But who cares, the main thing is that the Astros of the future are getting big-league experience, especially when it comes to pounding on Cardinals. The homestand will start with three games against the Braves, then three against the Pirates and four against the goddamn Mets. And since Bobby Cox is retiring, this is his last visit to Minute Maid; so if there’s something you’ve been wanting to yell at him, this is your last chance.

The Braves are 15 games over .500 and currently two games ahead of the Phillies (which coincidentally is the same number of games Roy hasn’t won for Philadelphia.) Chipper Jones mentioned retirement earlier in the season, and he has had a hitting surge since then.

But things haven’t gone as well lately for two of the Braves’ young hotshots – Martin Prado has a busted finger so he’s on the shelf, while Jason “VaJayHey” Heyward just flat fell off the shelf. He hasn’t hit a homer since June 17 and only has five RBI since June 22. Kind of a drop off after starting in the All-Star Game and getting all that Rookie of the Year talk.

Minute Maid Park

Monday, August 9, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, August 10, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, August 11, 1:05 p.m. CDT

You know what, I’m going to quit listing the TV broadcasts unless it’s a nationally televised game or something. Everyone knows it’s on Fox Sports – Houston, or whatever your local variant is. You know where to find it.

Notable giveaways

Not a fucking thing except deals for bargain seats and cheap food and shit. Plus it’s cheapo seat time anyway, because of all those runs the offense dropped on the Jakes. So go celebrate dropping a soupbone on the motherfucking Co-Ards, which is better than a shitty old bobblehead or a totebag anyday.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday

Mike Minor (0-0, -.–) v. Bud Norris (4-7, 5.65)

Minor is a lefty from Vanderbilt who’s making his MLB debut. He was the Braves’ top draft pick last year.

Norris has won his last two starts, but he got shelled by the Braves earlier in the season when he gave up seven earned runs in less than five innings. Troy Glaus, Melky Cabrera, and VaJayHey are all 2-for-2 against him. Cabrera and Heyward both have 3 RBI as well.

Tuesday

Jair Jurrjens (4-4, 4.48) v. J.A. Happ (1-1, 9.00)

J-J-J-Just look sat all those J’s; someone’s getting the fishhook today for sure. Jurrjens has only faced the Astros once, and that was last year in relief. Pedro Feliz is the only Astro with more than one AB against him; Feliz goes 4-for-17 with a homer. Lee, Blum, and Pence all have singles off him.

Happ is 2-0 against the Braves in five appearances. Current Braves only go 13-for-49 (.265) against Happ, but the guy to watch out for is Matt Diaz, who’s 5-for-7 with a double and a homer off Happ. Jumpin Jiminy!

Wednesday

Tommy Hanson (8-8, 3.69) v. Wandy Rodriguez (9-11, 4.34)

Hanson has two appearances against the Astros, including a win earlier this season when he went eight innings and gave up two earned runs. The Braves have lost Hanson’s last five starts and he doesn’t have a win since before the All-Star Break, but it’s not really his fault. He’s only given up a couple of earned runs per game during that time, but the Braves aren’t scoring for him. Maybe that’s why they didn’t get Oswalt; they already have a guy with no run support.

Blum and Lee have hit Hanson pretty well in limited AB’s, while Bourn and Pence are a combined 1-for-13 with 6 strikeouts. Pedro Feliz has a double off Hanson, which is the only extra-base hit by a current Astro.

Old Man Wandy has faced the Braves a whopping seven times for a 2-2 record. He took a loss against them on May 1 when he gave up two earned runs in five innings. Chipper Jones is only 4-for-17 against Wandy, but he has two homers and a triple. Glaus and Diaz have also hit Wandy pretty well, while Ankiel and McCan’t havent’ touched him at all.

Injury Report

I’m also going to quit linking to the Astros’ website injury report because it sucks balls, and I don’t mean in a tender, healing way. It currently says Geoff Blum could begin a rehab stint on July 30.

Atlanta – Martin Prado is still on the DL, along with relievers Kris Medlin and Eric O’Flaherty. Mike Minor is taking Medlin’s place on the roster.

Houston – Manzella is rehabbing in Corpus Christi and blatantly ignoring the Angel Sanchez thread. Moehler (detached boner tendon) and Paulino are still on the DL and don’t look to be back anytime soon.

Rattling Around in the Corner

* How’s this for muscle memory? I had an Astros game on recently but wasn’t really paying attention. That old Texaco commercial came on — the one with the goddamn “Tex message” chime I hadn’t heard in a year or more — and I immediately grabbed the remote and hit the Mute button without ever looking at the TV. This is why it’s so important to make a play on the Mute button every single time; you never know when a shitty old commercial is going to go back into the rotation.

* I’ve finally figured out a good analogy for watching Hunter Pence track a fly ball. I realize that not everyone will understand the comparison, but bear with me. Watching Spaz track a fly ball is like the first time you tried to play a video game with a hand-held controller (especially if you were used to the keyboard and mouse combo). Because the first time you use a controller and try to run your character around, you swoop around and make a huge-ass curve, and then run backward for a minute like a crazy moonwalk or something, and then you crouch and crash into a wall. And then you try to go through a door but you’re weaving like a snake, so you miss the door and hit the goddamn wall again, and then loop all the way around and hit the other side of the door. So then you just say fuck it and mash the joystick forward and run straight into the wall and slide slowly along it until you finally crash through the fucking door. Yeah, Pence is kind of like that. But with more diving, flailing, balls bouncing off his glove, and missing the cutoff man.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Government scientists, highly-specialized contractors, and concerned industry experts announced today that after several weeks of expensive and controversial testing, they have temporarily stemmed the flow of toxic dumb-fuckery that’s been spewing from Carlos Zambrano.

As most astute observers know by now, the first leak appeared a few years back when Zambrano accidentally drilled an unauthorized exploratory well in Michael Barrett’s eye. The flow of dumb-fuck gradually worsened until it reached its flashpoint earlier this season, when Cubs designated Blow-Out Preventer Derrek Lee failed to contain a new eruption from Zambrano.

Lou Piniella applied a dispersant to separate Zambrano and Lee, but the local environment remained toxic. Finally, in a last-ditch effort to contain the widening Zambrano spill, Cubbie team officials made the dramatic decision to completely shut-in the well; however, this would first require removing Zambrano’s massive head from his ass, thus allowing the toxin to flow unimpeded.

Once Zambrano’s dome was removed from his rectum (which damn near killed ‘im), the resulting gusher was horrific but thankfully contained to the Chicagoland and Milwaukee area. Finally, with the help of government geologists from Yellowstone National Park, a suitable structure – nicknamed the “Ass-Hat” – was found to plug the gaping hole:

Lou Piniella (bottom) carefully calibrates the Carlos Zambrano Containment Ass-Hat

Officials will still monitor Zambrano for surges in pressure, or the development of new cracks and seeps. They may put Zambrano in the bullpen for some relief drilling, but that also introduces new risks for explosion. Unnaturally high levels of methane are still being detected in Wrigley Field, though experts believe that gas may be from an unrelated mishap. The highest methane levels were recorded at the Wrigley gift shop, near the T-shirt racks.

Now that Zambrano has been tentatively plugged, attention turns to containment and remediation of his toxic mess. Club expenses will certainly exceed $18 million for each of the next three years, with a club option for a fourth year.

Astros at Cubs

Wrigley Field

Monday, July 19, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Tuesday, July 20, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Wednesday, July 21, 1:20 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Notable giveaways

Monday – A Cubs mousepad that urges you to visit Las Vegas, which ironically is what about half of the Cubs’ line-up should be doing – visiting the Las Vegas 51s as members of the Iowa Cubs. Feel free to insert your own Round Rock jokes here as well.

Tuesday – Cubs Combination Asswipe/Surrender Towel. This ingenious dual-purpose device can be used both to wipe up Zambrano spills, or, if you’re Derrek Lee or Michael Barrett, to surrender.

Wednesday – Cubs keychain. Just the thing for that drunken Bleacher Bum who keeps losing his car keys.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Wandy Rodriguez (6-11, 4.97)  v. Carlos Silva (9-3, 3.45)

Wandy has a 4-4 record against the Cubs in 14 appearances. Derrek Lee and Pissant Theriot have hit him well in the past, with Lee clocking three homers. Alfonso Soriano is a hopping 1-for-20 with eight strikeouts against Wandy.

Silva is 2-0 against the Astros including a win in the second week of the season. He got ejected in the second inning of his last start, having already given up 6 earned runs to the Dodgers. Lance Berkman is 2-for-4 with two homers off him, and Carlos Lee is 9-for-30. No one else on the Astros has done much against Silva.

Tuesday
Wesley Wright (0-0, 5.59)  v. Ryan Dempster (8-7, 3.57)

Wright has made six relief appearances for the Astros this season and this will be his first major League start. He’s faced most of the Cubs before, and the only ones with hits off him are ErrorMiss (2-for-2) and FukU (2-for-4).

Dumpster has a 5-10 record against the Astros in 20 appearances, though one of the wins was earlier this season. Lance Berkman is kind of a mixed bag against Dumpster – he only bats .259 against him and has 16 strikeouts in 54 AB’s, but he also has four homers and 12 walks. Several other Astros have hammered Dumpster, including Carlos Lee (9-for-30, one homer), Hunter Pence (9-for-28, two homers), Jeff Keppinger (11-for-24, one homer), and Michael Bourn (7-for-19).

Wednesday
Brett Myers (7-6, 3.35) v. Ted Lilly (3-8, 4.07)

Myers is 8-3 against the Cubs including a win this year. Derrek Lee has hurt Myers in the past, going 15-for-32 with four doubles, a triple, and three homers. Soriano also has three homers off him, ErrorMiss has two, and Nady and Byrd each have one.

Somehow Lilly has a 7-1 record against the Astros, though he’s yet to face this year’s mighty Houston line-up. Believe it or not, the Astros’ best hitter against him is Pedro Feliz at 5-for-14 with two homers. Lee, Berkman, and Kepp also have homers off Lilly. Michael Bourn is only 1-for-8 against him.

Injury Report

Houston – Manzella, Blum, and Fulchino are out until August. Probably Paulino too but who the hell knows. Moehler is out with a groin problem but should be back for the Reds later this week. Roy Oswalt was hit by a ball Sunday and suffered a contusion to his Trade Potential, but it’s not expected to be serious.

Chicago – Some fucking Cubs you don’t care about. Guys with names like Esmailin and Schlitter. Fuck those guys.

Flotsam and Jetsom

* So, that giant Butt-Plug of the Gods that I linked to up there? It’s actually called the Liberty Cap, located in Yellowstone Park at the headquarters in Mammoth Hot Springs. I worked right down the road from it for almost seven years. There was much hilarity.

* Holy shit, I’ve gone this entire preview and only dropped two minor F-bombs.

* So Fuck the Cubs.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

What? The goddamn Texas Rangers again? Already?

Look, Drayton, and Tom Hicks or whomever owns the Rangers at the moment: No one gives a shit about the stupid Silver Boot or whatever the fuck it is. Do we even use that anymore? It’s a lame pretend rivalry you made up to sell tickets and T-shirts; the rest of us don’t care.

You can’t even call it a natural rivalry, because the Rangers are in the American League, which is decidedly unnatural. Plus they play in the MetrosexualPlex, and no Astros fan in their right mind wants to travel there, especially to watch a fake “rivalry” in a boiling sweat lodge. This rivalry is more made-up than an SMU sorority meeting at the Mary Kay factory; no matter how much hairspray and lipstick you slather on this pig’s ass of a match-up, in the end it’s still nothing but a pig’s ass. But at least the pig can still play DH.

Anyway, pig’s ass aside, the Rangers are looking pretty good right now before their late-summer fade. They are 18-4 this month and on an 11-game winning streak. The streak includes a sweep of the Astros last weekend of course, along with sweeps of the Pirates and Marlins.

The Astros just took two games off the Giants and have somehow climbed out of the cellar, if such things even matter anymore. They’ve also called up pretty much everyone in Round Rock, even the mayor and city council, who didn’t respond because they were busy having some barbecued pig’s ass with Nolan Ryan.

Rangers Ballpark in Arlington

Friday, June 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Saturday, June 26, 2:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Sunday, June 27, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Notable giveaways

Friday – Friday Night Fireworks, but this show is sponsored by Verizon. The skyrockets will fly erratically and drop prematurely, and everyone in the crowd will be double-billed.

Saturday – a free Frisbee, I mean dope cleaning tray, I mean chips and dip platter sponsored by some Dallas-area meat market. Also a concert after the game by Reckless Kelly.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Brian Moehler (0-4, 5.86)  v. Colby Lewis (7-4, 3.07)

Bud Norris is eligible to come off the DL for this start, but Moehler earned another start with his six innings of one-hit ball against the Rangers last weekend. Unfortunately, the one hit was a two-run homer by Justin Smoak which was enough for Moehler to take the loss.

Moehler is 6-6 in 12 appearances against Texas, and the only Stranger who has hit him well is Nelson Cruz. Cruz only has four AB’s against Moehler, but he’s 2-for-4 with two homers. Josh Hamilton and Michael Young are a combined 3-for-20 with six strikeouts against him.

Lewis beat the Astros last weekend for his first complete-game performance. Current Astros are a combined 6-for-32 against him. Lee, Bourn, and Michaels each have a double off Lewis, and unfortunately that’s about as good as it gets.

Saturday
Josh Banks (0-0, -.–)  v. C.J. Wilson (5-3, 3.41)

Banks is coming up from Round Rock to fill in for Felipe Paulino. Banks is 8-5 in 15 starts at Round Rock with an ERA just under 3. In previous years, Banks made 26 appearances for the Fathers and a handful for the Blue Jays. He’s never faced anyone on the Rangers.

Wilson started against Houston on Sunday, gave up two earned runs, and came away with a no-decision. In three starts against NL teams he’s 0-1 with a 4.34 ERA. Lefties only bat .105 against him.

Several Astros have hit him well, including Berkman (3-for-9), Pence (4-for-8) and Lee (3-for-6). No one’s homered off him though.

Sunday
Roy Oswalt (5-9, 3.08) v. Tommy Hunter (3-0, 2.31)

Roy has faced the Rangers 11 times and has a 4-5 record against them. Only two Rangers – Kinsler and Young – have more than 10 AB’s against Roy, though they’ve both hit him pretty well.  Young is 11-for-36 with four doubles, and Kinsler is 6-for-13 with a double, triple, and homer. Max Ramirez also has a homer off Roy.

Hunter started the season on the DL and then went to Oklahoma City, but he’s made four starts in June for the Rangers and they’ve won all of them. He’s never faced the Astros.

Injury Report

Houston – Tommy Manzella and Felipe Paulino just went to the DL. Bud Norris will be coming off the DL soon, but Alberto Arias won’t. Quintero and Fulchino are day-to-day.

Texas – Josh Hamilton is hobbling, but he’s also on a 17-game hitting streak. Starting pitchers Eric Hurley (shoulder, wrist), Derek Holland (shoulder, knee), Omar Poveda (elbow), and Rich Harden (strained ass) will be on the DL for a while.

Weak Dribblers and Shattered Bats

* Will fucking Wayne County and Wherever the Shit High School hurry up and play their rematch already? Holy fucking shit, in the time they’ve been pimping that rematch they could have already played an entire Denial Season. Though I can’t wait to hear how pissed that redneck coach will be when he learns Texas A&M is about to drop down IN OUR DISTRICT.

* My reflexes are getting better on the Mute button. When that goddamn “This City This Town” song plays, I used to be able to hit the Mute button after about seven or eight notes of the intro. (And I should also point out that my remote has a stupid little recessed Mute button that’s hard to mash quickly.) But then they shortened the song, so there’s no weak-ass intro and it goes straight to the shitty singing. This threw me off my game for a while, but over the weekend I progressed to the point where I could mute after the first “This town…” But I’m now proud to say that during Wednesday’s game, I muted that fucker BEFORE ANY WORDS CAME OUT.

* Public Service Announcement to FS-H advertisers: the two ads in my Mute rotation right now are both from Fox Sports Houston. (The other one is “if I”m not here, Ah’m own ‘at TV, I promise ya.”) And when I mute, I usually forget to un-mute until the next inning is well under way, meaning I’ve missed all the other commercials after the offender. So, advertisers, maybe you could talk to FS-H for the rest of us and let them know their irritating fucking commercials are causing everyone’s else’s to be muted.

* This series ends interleague play for the year, so the Astros will no longer need a rover. Well, they’ll still need one but it won’t be legal anymore.

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