Holy crap, a three-game win streak to start off the month. It was against the Washington Generals, and it wasn’t the prettiest series ever, but still.

And now here come the dumbshit Cubs, straight from a rainout and three losses before that. They have to go back to Pittsburgh after this series to make up Wednesday’s rainout, and then they fly home to Milwaukee for three with the Brewers. Imagine that, making up a rainout and THEN flying to Milwaukee. I hope their fucking make-up game gets rained out again and they have to keep going back to Pittsburgh.

Which brings me to my main point, which is fuck the Cubs. They’re five games under .500 and won’t be going anywhere this year. They’re bringing Carlos Zambrano back from that bullpen experiment and letting him start in Houston. He’ll probably hit a double and a homer.

This is the Astros’ last home series for a while. They start a long-ass road trip Monday with four games in Colorado, then three in New York against the Yankees, then a day off, then three in Kansas City. It would be nice to see the road greys a little more often; I’m tired of the red ones.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, June 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Saturday, June 5, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Sunday, June 6, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Notable giveaways

Friday – An aluminum water bottle that doesn’t look too bad, and the usual Friday Night Fireworks

Saturday – For one group you’ve got Praise in the Park with the concert by Whoever and Whomever, but it’s also Young Professionals Night sponsored by Budweiser. And also all those asswipe Cubfans will be there. So my advice is to take your sweet Jimmy Wynn bobblehead and go find a nice quiet seating section all to yourself.

Sunday – More of those Please Come to the Park specials. By September, you’ll be able to buy one ticket, then bring your entire homeowners association for $5 more.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Carlos Zambrano (1-3, 6.12)  v. Felipe Paulino (0-7, 4.40)

This is Zambrano’s first start after that move to the bullpen. He’s made 27 appearances against the Astros and has a 13-7 record. Carlos Lee is 21-for-55 (.382) against Zambrano with five doubles and five homers, and look out, Cory Sullivan is 3-for-4 with a homer. However, Lance Berkman is 10-for-68 with 18 strikeouts, though he also has four homers.

Paulino is 0-2 lifetime against the Cubs, including a loss earlier this season. Nobody on the Cubs has more than 5 at-bats against Paulino, and the only one with more than one hit is Soriano. He’s 3-for-4 with a double and a homer.

Saturday
Carlos Silva (7-0, 3.12)  v. Roy Oswalt (3-7, 2.78)

Silva beat the Astros back in April and just kept going. I don’t know how any Cubs pitcher could be 7-0 this year, but I’ll bet Silva’s in for an epic crash. Probably not tonight though. Berkman is 2-for-4 against him with two homers, and Carlos Lee is 9-for-30.

This is Roy’s first game back after getting ejected for tying his dick in a knot and waving it at the umpire on Memorial Day. Roy said he was just waving it at Drayton McLane and pointing toward New York, but the umpire was a dickhead and ran him anyway.

Everyone on the fucking Cubs has batted against Roy. ErrorMiss has four homers off him, and BunnyHop Soriano and Derrek Lee each have three. However, at any given time, two of those guys are likely to be hurt, so it may not be as bad as it looks. Also, Lee and ErrorMiss each have 17 strikeouts against Roy.

Sunday
Ryan Dempster (3-5, 3.72) v. Brett Myers (3-3, 3.04)

The Dumpster has lost five of his last six decisions. He has 19 career appearances against the Astros and only a 4-10 record to show for it. Nearly everyone has hit him well except for Sullivan, Quintero, and Feliz, though Feliz does have a homer off him. Berkman has four homers off Dumpster, Pence has two, and Lee also has one.

Myers is 7-3 against the Cubs. Derrek Lee is the only Cub who’s hit him consistently, going 15-for-29 (.517) with four doubles, a triple, and three homers. No one else has much of an average against Myers, though Soriano has three homers against him, ErrorMiss has two, and Nady and Byrd each have one.

Injury Report

Chicago – John Grabow and Esmailin Caridad are both on the DL. Derrek Lee is questionable because of a hamstring thing. Don’t look so shocked.

Houston – Bud Norris and Chris Sampson are on the DL. Meanwhile, Roy Oswalt has another case of Tit in a Wringer, and team physicians are afraid it may become chronic. The only possible cure is in New York, Atlanta, Philadelphia, or maybe Tampa Bay.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

My 30-year high school reunion is coming up this summer, but I’m not going. I was deliriously happy to get out of Lubbock after my senior year in 1980, and I’m still happy about it, so I don’t really see any reason to go back.

And since this is mid-May, it’s also the 30th anniversary of my crowning athletic achievement. Now it’s not much compared to the accomplishments of some of the other folks here on SpikesnStars, but we weren’t all destined for greatness I guess.

See, I’ve never been an athlete. I had double pneumonia when I was 6, and had asthma attacks and bronchitis every year in school. Plus, the one thing in the world that I’m most allergic to is cottonseed. And I grew up in Lubbock, where the cotton gins grind that shit up and spew it in the air. Throw in the spring dirt storms, and my lungs were tied in knots.

So I loved sports but didn’t have the endurance for real competition. But there was one thing I could do. I was tall and skinny (this was a long time ago, remember) and I could run like the wind … for about 100 yards. I could make one blazing burst of speed, but then I was gassed.

Anyway, May 1980. I’m about three weeks from graduating and getting the hell out of this school. Hallelujah. It was also the time of year when teachers had run out of ideas and were just mailing it in, trying to come up with shit for us to do to finish the year. Especially in PE class. For some reason, all the athletic kids on the official school teams had been dumped back into our PE class to finish out the year, so we had some members of the track team and other sports. The coaches decided the way to end the year was to split the class into two huge teams and have a track meet with all the events. Since we only had an hour of class time each day, this track meet would kill the last two or three weeks of school and everyone could loaf around, except during their events.

Well, what a surprise, all the track team members and other athletes got put on the same team, and the rest of us asthmatic nerds were put on the Washington Generals team. See, this way, the athletes got one more chance to break school records, or something. I was never sure about the details.

But our team of misfits actually turned out to be pretty good. The biggest, shyest girl in school turned out to be a star shot-putter. We won some other events and were hanging tight with the rich-boy athletes, and then it came time for my first event – the 880 relay. Now like I’ve said, I could burn up the track for about 100 yards, but my 220-yard leg in this relay was really pushing it.

The other team wasn’t completely made up of the school’s track regulars, but I think there were at least a couple of them. I was running the second leg, against this smart-ass punk who was fast, but not as fast as I was. I figured I could take him at the beginning, but was worried I might not hold him off when I ran out of gas. And I had no doubt that I would run out of gas.

Well the race started and by the time the baton was coming to me, my team was already behind by 10 or 15 yards. I took the baton cleanly and put my sights on the punk’s ass in the next lane. I noticed that he had really shitty running form, with his arms and baton all flailing around and shit … and then I was past him. I blew past that fucker before I even got up to full speed, and I started motoring into the turn.

And then I poured it on. I was rocking in the Driver’s Seat and no one was going to catch me.

(I know that song is from 1978, but I didn’t hear it until 1980; this was Lubbock, remember.) I would have rocked Foghat’s Drivin’ Wheel too, but there was no time because I was burning around the track and not slowing down. Man, I was cooking with gas. My weak-ass lungs felt like they were going to burst, but I didn’t slow down. It was the hardest I’ve ever run in my entire life. I finally made another clean hand-off, then staggered to the side and gasped for breath.

The coaches and other students were all staring at me in amazement, and I looked back and saw my punk-ass competition still staggering toward us way back down the track. I watched the rest of the race, and the rich boys gained on us steadily through the final two legs, but in the end we won because of the lead I’d built.

But while I was standing there basking in victory, I also knew I’d pushed it too hard. The air was full of pollen and cottonseed, there was a dirt storm on the horizon, and I’d badly overexerted myself. By the next day, the sky was brown with dirt and my lungs were brown with phlegm. Lubbock Lungbutter.

My trackstar days were over. Or so I thought.

Read the second part of the story, “How I Set the School Hurdles Record With My Balls,” after the Astros-Dodgers preview.

***********

Astros at Dodgers

Dodger Stadium

Monday, May 17, 9:10 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Tuesday, May 18, 9:10 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

More late-night West Coast games. Kind of tough to stay up late just to watch the kind of slap-dickery we’ve been seeing, but I’ll probably watch anyway.

Notable giveaways

Tuesday – An Andre Ethier bobblehead; note how both his hands are gripping the bat from the top. No wonder he broke his pinky finger in batting practice. It’s going to suck for him if he has to miss his own bobblehead day, with a bobblehead that shows how not to grip a bat.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Wandy Rodriguez (2-4, 4.81)  v. John Ely (1-1, 3.86)

Wandy beat the Shitbirds in his last start, but he still doesn’t have a quality start this month. He’s 3-2 against the Dodgers with a 2.70 ERA. Russell Martin is the only Dodger with a homer off Wandy, though Ronnie Belliard and Dreamboat Manny have hit him well. In 14 AB’s against Wandy, Reed Johnson has five strikeouts and only two hits.

John Ely is not to be confused with Joe Ely, who also got the fuck out of Lubbock like I did. John Ely is a rookie making his fourth start. He lost to the fucking Mets in his first outing, but beat the Snakes last week. He’s never faced the Astros.

Tuesday
TBA v. Hiroki Kuroda (4-1, 2.66)

Well I don’t know who’s pitching for the Astros tonight, but since Chris Sampson went to Tech and had to live in Lubbock for a while too, I’ll just use his stats. He’ll probably get into the game tonight anyway.

James Loney is 3-for-5 against Sampson with two doubles, and Belliard has a homer off him. Ethier, Kemp, and Martin are a combined 3-for-18 against him.

The Dodgers are 6-1 in Kuroda’s starts this year. In three starts against the Astros, he’s gone 1-0 with an ERA under 2. Nobody on the Astros has done much against him. Geoff Blum has a homer, but it was his only hit in 5 at-bats against Kuroda. Hunter Pence and Carlos Lee are both 2-for-8 against him, and it gets worse from there.

Injury Report

Houston – Tim Byrdak is out until late this month with a strained hamstring.

Los Angeles – Andre Ethier has that busted pinky and may or may not make this series. Brad Ausmus is on the 60-day DL after having back surgery. Pitchers Vicente Padilla, Cory Wade, and Charlie Haeger are all out and will miss this series, but Rafael Furcal might be back.

Discuss tonight’s game in the Gamezone.

***************

So anyway, Lubbock 1980. As usual, I missed a week of school with bronchitis. It happened twice every school year, so it was a fitting end to my senior year.

When I got back to PE class, I was amazed to learn that the stupid track meet was still going. They’d missed several days because of the dirt storm, duh, and were hustling to try to finish up. Well, fuck it, I’d already run my event, plus I’d just spent a week with bronchitis and was still on antibiotics and I was weak as shit. I didn’t even bother putting on a gym suit, mainly because they’d been bugging us to clear out our lockers and take all our smelly shit home anyway, so I had.

But they said we had to finish the dumbass track meet because it was part of our final grade, so I just wore my jeans and PE shirt and went to the far end of the track where hopefully they wouldn’t notice me.

“Craig! Get over here, you’re running the hurdles!” Oh shit, one of the coaches found me.

“What? I’ve been sick; I can’t run! Plus I’ve never jumped a hurdle in my life!”

“Well hurry up and practice at it, you’ve got 10 minutes! And you can’t hurdle in those jeans. Go get a pair of shorts out my office.”

Great, not only do I have to run the stupid hurdles, but I have to wear the ratty-ass shorts someone else left behind. The only shorts I could find were a little too small for me, but I put them on and went back out to practice.

I pissed and moaned, but no one was around because they were all watching some other race, so I lined up at the hurdles to practice. I dashed toward the hurdles and stretched out in my first leap, and both of my balls popped out one of the legs of my shorts. (This was 1980, so guys’ shorts were pretty skimpy compared to the jodhpurs that pass for shorts today.)

I suddenly remembered why our coaches had insisted we wear jockstraps in PE class. (“Look, we’ve got girls in this class, and I don’t want any of you guys to do a squat-thrust and have your balls touch the floor!”) But my jockstrap was at home, and the race was here and now.

I veered off to the side, tucked my junk back into my shorts, and readjusted my tighty whities. Nope, they weren’t going to hold anything in place. And just like that, the coaches were heading my way and it was race time.

Then I realized who my opponent was going to be. It was John Elway, the school’s top track star. (It wasn’t really THE John Elway, but it was this snotty-ass rich-boy who looked just like Elway – perfect blond hair, all tanned and muscled, and with a condescending toothy smirk.) I also realized this was his last chance to break the school record, even though I was pretty sure he already owned it.

It was a really windy day (Lubbock, remember), but the wind was blowing hard across the track, not from behind or in front of us. The gun went off, I stretched out for the first hurdle, and sure enough, my nuts came out again. But I didn’t veer off the track this time, no sir! I was already headed for the next hurdle and I knew I had to clear it not only with my legs, but my sack as well. So that put a spring in my step.

Going over the second hurdle with my nuts in the wind, I had an epiphany – I realized there’s a rhythm to running the hurdles. So I got into the rhythm of the race and gave each jump a little extra bounce, because of … you know.

I don’t even know the length of the race or the height of the hurdles, but my balls never even grazed a gate. Untouched all the way to the endzone! I was concentrating so hard that as I cleared the last hurdle, and sprinted across the finish, I realized John Elway was BEHIND ME. HOLY SHIT HE WAS BEHIND ME.

I tucked in my stuff (I don’t think anyone even noticed it flapping around) and trotted back to the coaches with the stopwatches. The one who was timing me muttered in astonishment, “School record.” The other coach, timing the track star, said “Both of them. They both broke the school record.” (I thought to myself, “Yeah, you mean both my BALLS broke the school record.”)

And then the head coach looked at his track star who looked like John Elway, and he looked at the brown Lubbock sky, and said the words that ended my budding athletic career:

“Wind-aided. Doesn’t count.”

Aw fuck. My one shot at history, and it was tainted because it got windy in Lubbock. That fucking figures. But I know where the record really resides. In my pants.

So anyway I don’t think I’ll be going to the 30-year reunion. But I will stand on my front porch and wave my balls in the direction of West Texas.

Lubbock or Leave it, indeed.

The Astros (8-10) have won their last three series and abandoned the cellar to its rightful owners, the Pirates. And even climbed over the Reds to boot. Even after that shitty 0-8 start, a winning record for April is still possible.

Now the Reds (8-11) come slinking into town after their own 3-3 homestand. Dusty Baker had a come-to-Jesus meeting with his team over the weekend to address several cases of slapdickery. Jesus Himself couldn’t actually attend the meeting, since he’s recuperating from Tommy John surgery with the rest of Dusty’s projects.

Since the Dickities’ last roadtrip went 2-5 and ended in a five-game losing streak, Dusty is insisting on a good trip this week. After visiting Houston the Reds will be going to St. Louis, so good luck with that Dusty. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to remember that last year the Reds were 12-4 against the Astros and 5-2 at Minute Maid.

For the good guys, Lance Berkman has 48 homers against the Reds, which is one behind the Astros’ team record held by Jeff Bagwell.

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday, April 27, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Wednesday, April 28, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Thursday, April 29, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Notable giveaways

Thursday – A reusable totebag from Methodist Transplant Center. You don’t want to know what they used it for the first time.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday
Aaron Harang (0-3, 8.31) v. Bud Norris (1-1, 4.26)

Harang is having a harrable season so far. In just under 22 innings, he’s given up 29 hits (including six homers) and 22 runs. Like Carlos Zambrano, Harang may get bumped down to the bullpen, though in his case it would make sense. But for now he’s the official starter Tuesday.

Berkman and Blum have worn out Harang in the past. Lance only has 13 hits in 51 at-bats against him (.255), but seven of those hits ha-rang the bell. Blum is 10-for-17 against Harang, with two doubles and a triple. Lee, Feliz, Bourn, and Quintero have all homered off Harang as well.

Norris hasn’t faced the Reds before. The Astros have won his last two starts, but he hasn’t lasted more than five innings yet.

Wednesday
Mike Leake (1-0, 3.92) v. Felipe Paulino (0-2, 5.94)

The Dickities’ took their Leake in the first-round of last year’s draft. He’s already made three starts this year and finally got a win against the Dodgers. It was the first victory by a Reds starter in 16 games, so you can tell Dusty’s Baker’s plan is working to perfection. Leake’s given up two homers and nine earned runs in just under 22 innings.

Paulino has already faced the Reds five times but only has a 1-3 record against them. Jay Bruce has two homers off him, and Votto and Nix each have one.

Thursday
Bronson Arroyo (0-2, 7.43) v. Roy Oswalt (2-2, 2.42)

Arroyo has 17 appearances and an 8-6 record against the Astros, which sounds pretty good until you realize that Roy Oswalt is 23-1 against the Reds. However, last year Roy got four no-decisions in four starts against the Reds.

Berkman (14-for-47, five homers) and Carlos Lee (13-for-38, four doubles, two homers) have blasted Arroyo in the past. Hunter Pence also has four doubles and a triple off him. However, Blum is only 4-for-24 against Arroyo, and Quintero is 1-for-15.

Current Reds are a combined 50-for-177 (.282) against Roy. Brandon Phillips is 10-for-31 with five doubles, and Laynce Nix is 5-for-12 with two homers.

Injury Report

Cincinnati – Edinson Volquez is out until at least late July with his suspension and injury. A suspinjury, if you will.

Houston – Alberto Arias is out for the season, and Chris Johnson is out until mid-May. Matsui might be back for this series.

Loose Dribblers

* It’s just not Carlos Lee’s month. In addition to the obvious batting woes, he also got ticketed by Houston police over the weekend – Impeding the Flow of Traffic, and Failure To Signal.

* Did you see that Bobby Bonilla will go back on the Stem payroll next year? The fucking Mets still owed him nearly $6 million when they waived him in 2000, so his agent got the dumbasses to agree to pay Bonilla $1.19 million every July from 2011 to 2035. The $1.19 million payment is more than a dozen Mets are making this season.

* Do you know why you can’t take Hunter Pence to White Castle? He’ll never stop eating sliders.

* I’m keeping the TV sound turned up during Saturday home games now, just to listen to Jeff Bagwell. His mumbly voice is kind of hard to hear, but the comments are excellent.

* On the other hand, I’ve added a new insta-mute commercial to the list – the one with those fucking hipster douchebags singing about “take this town” or whatever the fuck. It usually takes Dane Cook or that douchebag Frank guy to get onto the Instant Mute Button list, but the opening notes of that Fox commercial do it. In fact I can hear those goddamn notes right now in my brain, so fuck you Fox.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Opening Day! Put away the Hot Stove, put the minor leaguers on the bus, and kick The Void in the ass, because baseball’s back in town! The Astros have been through some big changes in the off-season, but don’t worry, Fox Sports Houston will make sure you know about every player’s dream to be a rodeo clown or a railroad hobo or whatever the fuck.

Well first things first. Geoff Blum is going to have reduced duties this year because the Astros brought in a full-time manager, if you can believe that shit. Meanwhile, Lance Berkman’s knee is in the “waiting for things to look positive” stage so Blum will get some time at first base anyway. Roy Oswalt is also having hamstring and back problems, even though the almanac doesn’t call for those until at least June. On a side note, everyone’s health insurance premiums went down once Doug Brocail retired.

This year’s Very Special Astros Anniversary Promotion is the 45th Anniversary of the Astros. Which doesn’t sound quite right because Houston got its expansion team in 1962. That’s easy for me to remember because it’s the year I was born, and since I’ll be 48 next month, something isn’t adding up … oh I see. They had to leave out the Colt .45 years to make the math work. You don’t have to understand it … just go buy some anniversary shit. It’s an anniversary, dammit!

Minute Maid Park

Monday, April 5,  6:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD, ESPN2
Tuesday, April 6,  7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Wednesday, April 7,  1:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Ahhh, Brownie and JD, back on my TV. At least I hope so. I have this recurring nightmare every Opening Day, where I turn on my TV and it’s a goddamn blackout, or the Texas Rangers. Opening Day blackouts are the cruelest of all, but I’ve had it happen more than once.

Notable giveaways and promotions

Monday – Schedule magnets. Hell yeah, I’ve got a ton of these thanks to Budgirl and Noe. Since I’ve heard that some of you may be going to the Opening Day festivities, if anyone lays their hands on an extra magnet, I still have space on my fridge for it. I’m just saying.

Tuesday – Double Play Tuesday. Bring some Powerade labels and sit in the cheap seats.

Wednesday – 9-Inning Lunch Break. The first time I read this I thought it said “9-Inch Lunch,” so I figured it was a nod, nod, nod to the visitors from San Francisco. But it’s actually a promotion where for $40 you get a field box seat, $20 worth of food, and some beverage vouchers. Not too bad for a Wednesday, I guess, even if you don’t get 9 inches.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Tim Lincecum, RHP (0-0, -.–)  v. Roy Oswalt, RHP (0-0, -.–)

Cy Young winner Lincecum is technically listed as probable, because he has a cut or blister or something on a finger that likely resulted from a horrific bong implosion. On the plus side, he has hella-strong lungs. The last time Lincecum pitched in Houston, Brad Ausmus lined one off his knee and put Lincecum out of the game. He’s started five games against the Astros for a 2-0 record and a 1.67 ERA.

No one on the Astros has hit a homer off Lincecum; in fact, only three Astros (Lee, Erstad, Castillo) even have RBIs against him. And at 2-for-9 (.222) against Lincecum, Kaz Matsui has the best average among starting Astros. Michael Bourn is the worst at 0-for-8 with four strikeouts.

Roy is making his eighth straight Opening Day start. He’s 5-5 in 13 career starts against the Giants, and had one win against them last year. Ex-Fuck-the-Cub Mark DeRosa is 13-for-27 against Oswalt, and Fred Lewis is 8-for-16. Edgar Renteria has two homers off Roy.

Tuesday
Barry Zito, LHP (0-0, -.–)  v. Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (0-0, -.–)

Zito is 1-1 in three career appearances against the Astros. Carlos Lee is 9-for-33 with a double, a triple (!) and a homer against Zito. Pedro Feliz also has a homer off him.

Mighty Wandy was last year’s team leader in wins, ERA, strikeouts, and innings pitched. He’s only faced the Giants once, and that was a loss in 2006.

Only six current Giants have faced Wandy, but they’ve hit him well. Mark DeRosa is 7-for-24 with three doubles and two homers, and Edgar Renteria is 3-for-5 with two homers. Ouch. Dirty Freddy Sanchez has also hit Wandy hard, but Sanchez is injured so nevermind.

Wednesday
Matt Cain, RHP (0-0, -.–)  v. Brett Myers, RHP (0-0, -.–)

Cain has pitched 200+ innings each of the last three years for the Giants. He’s 1-2 in three appearances against the Astros, and Carlos Lee is 5-for-8 with a double and a homer off him. Geoff Blum and Kaz Matsui both have homers off Cain, and how many times do you get to say that?

Myers is making his Astros debut after going 4-3 last year for the Phillies. He’s 1-3 against the Giants but hasn’t faced them in a couple of years. Renteria is 11-for-33 against Myers, with three doubles and two homers. Mark DeRosa is 6-for-13.

Injury Report

San Francisco – Dirty Freddy Sanchez was traded to the Giants at the deadline last season, but he’s had knee and shoulder surgery and probably won’t be back until May. Also, second baseman Emmanuel Burriss is out until June.

Houston – Roy Oswalt is probable for this start. He has a hamstring problem but got an injection in his back, so I guess it’s complicated. Lance Berkman is on the DL until whenever. Bazardo and Arias are both out until sometime in May.

Odds and Ends

* Roy Oswalt is only seven games behind Joe Niekro for the top spot on the Astros’ all-time wins list, so that will get lots of attention as he moves closer this season. Meanwhile, If Wandy gets 10 wins this season he’ll tie Jim DeShaies on the Astros’ wins list. If he wins 20 games, he’ll tie Darryl Kile.

* I had a rough offseason too. I’ve got an irritated nerve in my neck and had to get three injections with a spinal needle. My opinion was that it sucked. Plus I had to pay $500 for each goddamn shot because I was the only sucker in the packed doctor’s office who wasn’t on Medicare or Medicaid.

* Have fun at Opening Day, and if you’re at the bar, remember to order a “Cecil Cooper.” The waitress will write the order wrong on your tab and you can just wander off and let someone else take care of it.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Strosrays’ observations about hunting and the connection to nature struck a nerve with me, because I know exactly what he’s talking about. I’ve never hunted ducks though, because shit, I grew up in Lubbock. The only ducks there are in the city parks on shitty playa lakes. About the only things to hunt around Lubbock are dove, and I did plenty of that.

My earliest dove hunting memories are from when I was 7 years old, when my job was to play retriever, which often meant chasing down wounded birds and pulling their heads off. When I was 9 my dad bought me a single-shot .410, which I still have. I can’t remember if I needed a license back then, but when I did start getting hunting licenses, what it really meant was that my dad’s bag-limit was doubled. Not legally of course, but that’s how it worked.

The game wardens always staked out the fields where we hunted, at least on Opening Day. My dad and I would sit about 100 feet apart, and we had a pre-arranged signal so I would know when he was getting near his limit of birds, which was usually pretty quick. He was the best dove shooter I ever saw, and it didn’t take long before his beat-up old vest was bulging with birds. He’d give me the signal and I’d start walking over, and as soon as the game wardens saw me heading toward my dad, they’d barrel down the road in our direction. I would get in front of my dad and kneel down in the tall cotton so no one could see me, and he’d stuff dead birds into the back of my vest. By the time the game wardens got to us, our guns were unloaded and we were plucking birds. I’m sure they knew what was going on, but we never got busted. Still, my dad was a stickler for the total bag limit, and once we both had 10 dove in our vests, we went home. He always said we’d only take our share of the birds and leave the rest for next year.

I think I was 16 or 17 the last time we hunted dove together, though we did bag a few pheasant one winter while I was home from college. But after college I went my own way; I didn’t hunt for several years, and in the early ’90s my dad passed away. I was living in the ass-end of eastern Montana at the time, and I went back to Lubbock to collect some of his old hunting gear, and his pickup.

I went hunting again that year, because believe it or not there is a dove hunting season in Montana. Not that anyone does it. Up there, mourning doves are called “turtle doves” and most people don’t even know, or care, that you can hunt them. I tried to get a couple of guys to go with me and they just laughed. They were used to hunting big-ass pheasant and sage grouse, and mourning dove seemed pointless to them.

This part of Montana has some of the most desolate, lonely country you can imagine, and that September I had it all to myself. I located a harvested wheat field high on a bluff, overlooking the Yellowstone River about half a mile away; the dove would feed in the wheat field and then fly down to the river at dusk. I took my dad’s pickup, put on his old vest that had bloodstains from decades of dead birds, and loaded up his old Browning.

Not only was the wheat field full of dove, it was full of dove that hadn’t been spooked by other hunters. I filled up my dad’s vest in about an hour, and for good measure went and shot a couple sage grouse too. Shit, that barely seemed fair. After learning to shoot lightning-fast mourning doves with a .410, blasting a huge, slow-ass grouse with a 12-gauge was almost too easy.

After I put away the shotgun, I sat on the tailgate of my dad’s old truck and looked out over the Yellowstone River sunset. The cottonwoods along the river were already changing color, the ancient badlands were eerie and ominous in the evening shadows, and there wasn’t another soul for miles around. The air was so crisp and clear, it seemed I could see to the end of the earth. I sat there until dark, thinking about my dad and wishing he’d been there to share the day’s great hunt. Then I drove home under a brilliant orange harvest moon.

**********

Anyway, speaking of shooting birds ….

Cardinals at Astros

Well if the dog days were in August, then September has been the dog’s ugly old wrinkled balls. Holy crap, what a shitty month for the Astros. They’re on a seven-game losing streak against such stellar competition as the Sausages, Dickities, and Pirates.

The Jakes could clinch the division in this series, depending upon what the dumbshit Cubs do. Keep that in mind if you’re going to any games in this series, so you can leave early if a sickening celebration looks likely.

Minute Maid Park

Monday, September 21,  7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Tuesday, September 22,  7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Wednesday, September 23, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Not so notable giveaways

Monday – Bud Light Astros Cap

Tuesday – Price Matters/Double Play Tuesday

Wednesday – Continental Latin Night

I realize they mean something else for Latin Night, but just for the hell of it I tried to translate “Fuck the Red Birds” from English to Latin and here’s a close approximation:

futuo rutilus aves

Now we’ve all learned something. I know it’s probably wrong, but hey, that’s the best I can do with free online translators. It’s a motto; it just says itself.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Kyle Lohse (5-8, 4.83) v. Wandy Rodriguez (13-10, 2.77)

Lohse is coming off a forearm injury from jacking it too hard. Carlos Lee has blistered him in the past, collecting six doubles, five homers, and a .357 average. Berkman also has two homers off Lohse and Pence has hit him pretty well. Michael Bourn is only 1-for-14 against him.

Wandy is the Astros’ best chance to end this losing streak, but you’ve heard that before. He’s held the Jakes to a .174 average in 24 innings this season. Matt Holliday has two homers off him and DeRosa has one. PooHoles is only 4-for-28 (.143) against Wandy.

Tuesday
Joel Pineiro (14-11, 3.31) v. Yorman Bazardo (0-1, 8.50)

Pineiro is 3-3 against the Astros in his career, but 2-0 this season. Carlos Lee (13-for-29, two homers) and Lance Berkman (7-for-17, two homers) hit him hard, while most everyone else is pretty average. Jason Michaels has trouble against Pineiro.

This will be Bazardo’s fourth start for the Astros. He’s faced one Redbird in his career – Julio Lugo – who is 0-for-1.

Wednesday
TBA v. Bud Norris (5-3, 5.07)

The Co-ards haven’t listed a starter for this game but I’m guessing it will be John Smoltz. He has 36 appearances against the Astros and a 16-13 record. Most of the current Astros have hit Smoltz well, with Matsui having the most AB’s. Blum, Boone, and Coste have homers off him. Believe it or not, Lance Berkman only has eight regular-season at-bats (and five hits) against Smoltz.

Norris will be making his 10th start for the Astros and his second against the Jakes. In early August he went seven innings against them and gave up only two hits. The only Shitbird position player with a hit off Norris is Yadda-Yadda-Yadda Molina.

Injury Report

St. Louis – Troy Glaus is probably out for the season.

Houston – Oswalt, Hampton, and Sadler are out for the season, and Arias might be too.

Changing of the Seasons

I still have the old pickup. In fact, I’ll be taking it down to my deer camp today or tomorrow to get ready for whitetail season. My dad never taught me deer hunting, though he had done it when he was younger. I think it bothered him to kill deer, and to tell the truth, I always feel guilty after I shoot one too. But I only take one deer each season; it’s more than enough venison to last a year, and I only want to take my share.

Every September, I still feel the old pull to go hunting. I tried dove hunting around here but it’s not the same. I like going out in the woods, sitting and listening to the sounds, and getting back in tune with nature. I have some anti-hunting friends who ask if I couldn’t just enjoy the woods without taking a gun. I tell them that I can and do enjoy nature when it’s not hunting season, but somehow it’s different in the autumn. When the cool air hits me, there’s some kind of primal instinct that stirs and I start getting ready to hunt. I can’t really explain it, but it’s there. Next week I’ll get out my deer rifle – a Browning that looks remarkably like my dad’s old shotgun – and head to the range for some practice. I’m still a hell of a shot, by the way; after all, my dad taught me to shoot mourning dove with a .410.

So baseball season is ending, but another Opening Day is just around the corner.

Until next season, good hunting.

In a fitting tribute to the Astros’ 2009 campaign, I got myself neutered a couple of weeks ago. Well, snipped. Though “snipped” is a pretty weak descriptor for the violence done to my sack. And I think the doctor may have been a Co-Ards fan, though he did give me some pretty good drugs to get things started.

The urologist is this friendly old gray-haired guy, and before he started playing hack-a-sack, he broke out his iPhone and fired up Pandora. So he, the nurse, and I all started rocking out while he got down to business. Well he starts by poking my junk with needles, and then gets out the serious cutting tools. Luckily I can’t quite see what he’s doing down there, but there’s enough pulling and tugging to give me a damn good idea.

Well he’s working away and we start comparing iPhones, and he asks me what are my favorite apps. I’m kind of light-headed at this point and all I can come up with is MLB At-Bat.

He’s holding a cauterizing tool now, and he says, “Oh! You’re a baseball fan? Who’s your favorite team, the Cardinals?”

“Uh no, the Astros.”

“Oh. The Astros.”

Now I smell smoke. Hell, I can SEE smoke. Lots of it. Coming from my balls! He asks how the Astros are doing this year, and I think to myself, “about like my nuts are doing right now.”

I didn’t say that though, because after all there’s a guy with his fingers rooting around deep in my nutsack, and he’s poking away with a fucking branding iron. And he wants to know how the ‘Stros are doing. I don’t want to end up with the “StL” logo burned onto my nuts, so I come back with:

“Well, the Astros suck balls this year. The manager is a complete dumbass. He’s ruining the bullpen and all the young arms are getting burned up.”

The doctor grins through the haze of nut-smoke, holds up his wood-burning tool, and exclaims, “Where there’s smoke there’s fire!”

So anyway … Astros at Fuck the Cubs

The Cubs and Astros are just playing for second or third place now, but with the Co-Ards holding a double-digit lead in games, there is a vas deferens between first and second place. And much like my own reproductive tract, you just can’t get there from here anymore.

The Astros have lost six of their last seven, including a sweep at the hands of the pathetic D-Bags. Coop doesn’t even pretend to know who’s pitching for either side anymore, but he’ll call a press conference afterward to blame everyone but himself.

The FtCubs are in the same boat, throwing each other overboard and still missing the water while Milton Bradley huddles belowdecks, crying about the unfairness of it all and whimpering to himself, “Fuck the Cubfans.”

Wrigley Field

Monday, August 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Tuesday, September 1, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Wednesday, September 2, 1:20 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Notable giveaways

Monday – Exclusive limited-edition Billy Williams bobble-head. Not to be confused with the even more exclusive Steve Bartman bobble-ball.

Tuesday – Baseball bingo. Fuck if I know. Maybe Cubfan can take it to Cincinnati and play Bingo Cornhole with the Reds.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Roy Oswalt (7-5, 3.86) v. Rich Harden (8-7, 3.99)

In a prudent safety precaution, the Astros will all be taking separate taxis to the game today; no one felt comfortable taking a bus because Roy might throw them all under it. And he’d probably strain his back at the same time and then blame it on the bus driver. Though honestly, this year’s bus driver …

Sit down, bus driver

… does deserve most of the blame.

Roy has 29 career appearances against the dumbass Cubs with a 12-12 record. He’s faced the Cubs three times this year and has an 0-1 record, and he left his last start at Wrigley with a back strain. Probably from carrying around all that attitude.

ErrorMiss, BunnyHop Soriano, and Derrek Lee all have less-than-stellar records against Roy, with double-digit strikeouts for Lee and ErrorMiss. But each of them have three or four homers too. No one else really stands out, though Aaron Miles and FukU are exceptionally bad against Oswalt.

Harden is 1-1 against the Astros this season. Matsui is 4-for-10 against him, and Blum and Berkman each have a homer off him. Berkman only has 5 AB’s against Harden. Tejada is only 2-for-12 against Harden.

Tuesday
Brian Moehler (8-9, 5.26) v. Randy Wells (9-7, 3.06)

Moehler is 1-2 in three starts against the FtCubs this season, with an ERA of nearly 14.00. Nearly everyone on the Cubs who’s seen Moehler in the past has hit him well, particularly Derrek Lee at 7-for-17 with two doubles and three homers. Soto and Fonte-Not also have homers off him.

Rookie Wells has faced the Astros twice this season for a total of 14 innings, and hasn’t given up a run yet. Carlos Lee has two hits off him and Kazuo Matsui has three. No one else has more than one.

Wednesday
TBA v. Ted Lilly (9-8, 3.35)

Apparently Cecil Cooper is just going to mail this one in, but since it’s a day game I hope he remembers to put the mail out on time. He’ll probably forget to raise the little flag on the mailbox, and will then call a press conference to blame it on the mailman.

Lilly has had quality starts in all 10 appearances at Wrigley this season, with an ERA under 2.00. All of his games against the Astros this season have been in Houston, but he’s 3-0 there too. Just about everyone on the Astros has faced Lilly at some point, though they are a collective 43-for-221 (.195) against him. Keppinger hits him pretty well, and Aaron Boone is 2-for-2 against him. Erstad is particularly bad against Lilly, going 2-for-25.

Injury Report

Houston – Aaron Boone is expected to return Tuesday, while Doug Brocail and Wesley Wright are on rehab assignments. Arias is out until mid-September and Mike Hampton is done. No really, Mike, you’re done.

Chicago – Milton Bradley is all butthurt about the Cubfans but he isn’t on the DL yet. Expect a DL stint if his condition worsens to “tit in a wringer.” Bunnyhop is questionable, of course, as is Jeff Baker. Centerfielder Reed Johnson might return for this series, and David Patton is on a rehab assignment. Andres Blanco and Chad Fox are also on the DL.

Post-op

Well anyway, my sack is healing now. The bruises are fading and the incisions have stopped weeping, but the stitches haven’t dissolved yet. Doctor’s orders say to rest that junk and take it easy for a few days, which I’m pretty good at. In a good baseball season, this would be a perfect excuse to lay back in the recliner, ice my nuts, and watch the Astros. You know, like any other season.

But shit, my balls are already aching and I’m supposed to relax; if I watched Cecil Cooper’s dumb ass while in my current condition, I might get agitated and pop a stitch. Fuck that. So I’ve been playing Madden 10 on the XBox, totally dominating the league with my awesome team, the Taint Misbehavin’.

Meanwhile, I went back to the doctor for the follow-up and he said things are looking good. The stitches will be gone soon and I can get back into the game, so to speak. Because, see, there are two parts to the doctor’s orders after a vasectomy. First you take it easy for a few days, but then, you gotta work that shit. There may be some sperm loafers still hanging around in the cheap seats, even after the Friday fireworks show, and you gotta roust those fuckers out of there. You guys don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

So I’ve got to get busy for the next six weeks and clear the decks before I turn in the sample for testing. It’s kind of like trying to earn the world’s greatest XBox achievement, so I’ll be trying to regain my stroke and rack up the high score before the baseball season ends.

Wish me luck.

Discuss today’s ball game with the other nuts in the Gamezone.