ZAMBR ALERT
Houston authorities have issued a Zambr Alert for the Chicago Cubs, who were scheduled to arrive in Houston in mid-September and still haven’t arrived. The Cubs are also wanted by the NLDS on two aggravated charges of Failure to Appear. They should be considered sore-armed and dangerous to each other.
By Gizzmonic
Reds (73-83) at Astros (82-73)
Minute Maid Park at Union Station • Houston, TX
Greetings, Earth people. It is I, Gizzmonic, late September callup from the depths of space! What’s that you say? The Reds are coming off a narrow victory in a makeup game against Florida? And they trashed the Brew Crew before that? But how did they get there? Let’s start with a little history…
A long time ago, in the days of the Roman Republic, there was a noble Roman named Lucius Quinticius Cincinnatus. After a distinguished career as a stateman, he retired to the countryside and became a farmer. Yet every time Rome faced a threat, the Senate voted him dictator of Rome. He reluctantly took the reins of power and stopped Rome’s enemies each time. With his overwhelming popularity and military might, he could have installed himself as emperor. But Cincinnatus only wanted to return his simple life as a farmer. Humble during his own lifetime, he is now enshrined as a model of civic virtue. Historical records are unclear as to whether he enjoyed chili tarted up with chocolate and cinnamon and dumped onto spaghetti.
A shorter time ago, the futile, flailing franchise calling themselves the Cincinnati Reds unceremoniously dumped their two biggest stars, Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr., then took out a full page ad in the Cincinnati paper apologizing for their superhypermegasuckage. We all know how well those full page ad apologies work out, don’t we? However, since trading Dunn on August 12, these young Reds are a respectable 20-16 and no longer share the NL Central cellar with the bilge-ridden Pirates.
Miller Park
Of all the idiotic bullshit moves dreamed up by Bud Selig, this one takes the urinal cake. The fucking pussified Cubs, who were so stoically brave during a tornado and lightning storm when they were behind in a game, wouldn’t get on a goddamn plane to Houston. So Selig tells Drayton McLane, “Hey I know, let’s you and him fight. At my house. I’ll sell tickets.”
Now Cecil Cooper and the Astros, many of whom are still without electricity at their own homes, where, you know, they might be needed, have to travel to Bud’s shitty suburb of Chicago and play a crucial “home” series in front of two fanbases that have a huge interest in seeing the Astros lose.
And I just love Bud’s new fascination with covered ballparks; I guess he’s changed his mind since the 2005 World Series. Since the Astros are the “home” team in Milwaukee, they should demand that the roof be open. You know, to make sure the “home” team doesn’t get an unfair advantage from loud fans in a crucial game.
Oh wait, they can’t open the roof, because you know what’s coming? The remnants of HURRICANE IKE! Arrrgggghhh! This makes so much sense. The Astros stay home and ride out Ike, but the Cubs won’t fly to Houston because they’re pussies. Then after Ike moves through and heads north, leaving Minute Maid intact, the Astros have to fly around Ike, to the place where the storm might be headed, to play the pussy Cubs, in another covered stadium right down the road from Chicago. The Aristocrats!
And by the way, the Tigers and White Sox already got rained out twice this weekend also. In Chicago. They’ll try to play a doubleheader Sunday, but it’s doubtful because, you know, Ike is coming. Maybe they should all fly to Houston; I hear there’s a perfectly good roofed stadium in a neutral location that isn’t being used.
Sunday, September 14, 7:05 p.m. CDT – my20pixels
Monday, September 15, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN-HD
Notable giveaways
Drayton McLane is giving away homefield advantage both days to the first 41,900 Cubs and Brewers fans who show up.
The Sausage Races will still be held in this series, with the winner getting the added privilege of stuffing itself up Lou Piniella’s whiny fat ass.
Projected Matchups from Astros.com
Sunday
Carlos Zambrano (13-5, 3.58) v. Randy Wolf (10-11, 4.45)
Zambrano has started against the Astros twice this season and the Cubs lost both times. Miguel Tejada is 5-for-9 with a double and a homer off Zambrano, while Lance Berkman is only 9-for-60, though four of those hits were homers. Jose Castillo also has a homer off him. If Zambrano’s arm gets too tired after driving up the road from Chicago, then Sean Marshall will get the start.
In Randy Wolf’s nine starts since joining the team, the Astros have gone 8-1. Wolf has a 3-6 career record against the sCrubs but he’s 1-1 this season, including a complete-game shutout at Wrigley two weeks ago. Pretty much every limpdick Cub has batted against Wolf at some point, and they’re a combined 34-for-160 (.213). The only ones who have homered off him are Soriano and Errormiss, but otherwise they’re both walking the Mendoza Line against Wolf.
Monday
Jason Marquis (10-8, 4.36) v. Brian Moehler (11-6, 4.16)
Marquis has a 9-6 lifetime record against the Astros, though his ERA is also over 5. His last start against Houston also ended in “L”. And “L” in this case is for “Lance,” who is 21-for-43 against Marquis, with five doubles, a triple, a homer, 14 RBI, 13 walks, and only three strikeouts. Wigginton, Pence, and Quintero have also hit well against Marquis.
Moehler is 1-1 in three starts against the Cubs this season. Several sCrubs hit him well, including Errormiss, Ward, and Soriano, but especially Labia Lips Edmonds, who is 14-for-39 (.359) with five doubles and six homers. But today, Anaheim Jimmy can go fuck himself.
Injury Report
Houston – Wandy, Carlos Lee, and Felipe Paulino are all out. Brandon Backe could probably pitch, and Ty Wigginton might be able to pinch-hit. Geoff Geary and Kazuo Matsui might or might not be back.
Chicago – Starter Rich Hill and reliever Chad Fox are out. Reliever Chad Gaudin might be back for this series. Carlos Zambrano has had a dead arm; he over-reached around Jim Edmonds’ fat ass because the Sexy Bitch got a late jump and tried a spectacular dive and roll. Zambrano had an anti-inflammatory shot and a week and a half off to recover, and should make the start Sunday; thousands of Cubfans are still weeping in drunken admiration at the sheer heroics of it all.
Interesting Things
* In other news, just to make things more fair down the home stretch in the AL East, Bud Selig has decided the Tampa Bay Rays will now play all their home games at Yankee Stadium. Tampa should be totally fine with that, because you know, it wouldn’t benefit the Red Sox or the Yankees at all. It’s for the fans, really.
* Oh, I almost forgot – fuck the Brewers, fuck Bud Selig, and motherfuck the Cubs. And hell, while we’re at it, fuck the Packers and the Bears too.
Discuss today’s bullshit game in the Gamezone.
The Astros just split a four-game series with the dickless Mets, and more importantly don’t have to go back to their urine-soaked dogshit stadium anymore. Sometimes even a split is a win.
At 66-65, the Astros look to be stumbling toward a ho-hum .500 season. Nothing to write home about, but at least it’s better than the Red Asses, who are 17 games under .500 and have only won six games all month. The only series they’ve won this month was against the Pirates, who they are tied with in the NL Central basement. After dumping Griffey and Dunn, for the Reds these are definitely the dogshit days of August.
After sweeping four games from the Dickities in Cincinnati earlier this month, another series with the Redlegs may be just what the Astros’ team doctor ordered. Granted, our health plan sucks and it may not pay the bill, but maybe we can at least get some good painkillers out of it.
The Astros swept the dicknose Mets, then won that crazy tornado and lightning game before dropping two more to the dumbshit Cubs. Now they’ve got a four-game set with the Dickities before returning home. Lance Berkman hasn’t hit a homer since the Derby, though non-All Star Carlos Lee is ripping one every day.
The Reds have plummeted completely past the underwhelming Astros and Pirates to take sole possession of the NL Central basement. They’ve lost 8 of 10 games and their last four series, including sweeps by Colorado and Washington. Pee-yew. That shit stinks worse than a week-old plate of Skyline Chili served with a frosty mug of Ohio River sewage. The Reds also just dumped the Messiah, and while Adam Dunn is leading the majors with 32 homers he also has 112 strikeouts.
The Astros won the first two games of the series against the over-reaching Cubs but then took a pounding in the finale, probably because the Raups couldn’t find enough Cubfans to hassle. The Cubs will falter down the stretch, most likely in hilariously epic fashion, but the Astros still have a long climb ahead before they can even think about making a run.
A good series against the Buccos could put some distance between the Astros and the cellar, and they might even overtake the Reds. On the other hand, a shitty series could mean an extended basement brawl with the Bucs. And the Pirates haven’t mucked out the basement since before the Cubs spent the offseason there two years ago, so you know it’s fucking rank.
The Pirates just got swept in a four-game series at Colorado where they scored a total of nine runs. Their pitching rotation is day-to-day and mainly consists of whomever didn’t pitch at Indianapolis or Altoona last night. Their outfield is having a good year, especially Nate McLouth, but former NL batting champion Dirty Freddy Sanchez is batting .230. The Pirates have lost five in a row and have started to take a colossal dump; we best leave them alone in the cellar so they can finish their business.
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