By Craig Elliott

Great American Ball Park

Tuesday, September 25, 6:15 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, September 26, 6:15 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, September 27, 6:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

This series will wrap up the Astros’ road schedule for the year. Their record away from home is 28-50, which is the worst in the National League. The Astros could conceivably pass the Reds for fourth place in the Central standings before the end of the year; not that it really matters, but at least we wouldn’t have to stand downwind of them all winter.

Also, here’s my Public Service Announcement for Astros rookies, since this is their first visit to Cincinnati:

* If someone offers you a Three-Way, DO NOT take it. They aren’t offering you a half-hour with the Brady girls. No, a Cincinnati Three-Way is a bowl of noodles with a pile of shit on top. With chocolate and cinnamon garnish. An hour after eating this, your ass will start wafting “Cincinnati Air Fresheners.”

* If you’re in bar and a guy says, “Hey, let’s grab our sacks and play some Cornhole,” it’s OK. But this offer is only good in Cincinnati, and never, ever in San Francisco.

No decent giveaways this series, though fans who run onto the field can go to jail and play in a free cornhole tournament with the Bengals.Read More

By Craig Elliott
Shea Stadium

Friday, September 7, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 8, 12:10 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 9, 12:10 p.m. CDT – KNWS

The Astros are having another dogshit roadtrip, or so I hear. After several days of fucked-up satellite receivers and fucked-up blackout rules, I haven’t seen the Astros play in a week or more. But the stench is strong enough that I can smell it through the internet, so I’m just assuming dogshit roadtrip.

The cockslobber Mets have the best record in the league and the largest divisional lead. They’re much better on the road than at home this year, mainly because they get to relax at so many airports. The Puerto Rican Whore is leading the team with 27 homers, and David Wright has 26. John Maine has 14 wins, but the Astros won’t see him this series.

Also, the Stem can take their shitty blue-and-black USFL batting helmets and go pound them up each other’s asses. It’ll be like when Anna Benson was in town, but without so much lube and penicillin.Read More

By Craig Elliott

Minute Maid Park

Monday, August 20, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, August 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 22, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 23, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

The Astros finally had a winning road trip, splitting with the Dodgers and taking two of three from the Friars. But the trip was costly as Roy Oswalt and Carlos Lee both strained something in the same game.

The Astros are still eight games behind the barely-mediocre Cubs, who are sure to collapse into a steaming pile of Suck sometime soon. The Brewers are busy tripping over their own dicks, and the Jakes are lurking back there staring at Bernie Brewer’s ass. The Astros have a week full of gNats and Pi-Roots ahead, so if they’re going to kick it up to .500 by the end of the season, now would be a good time to start.

Meanwhile, the Nationals just lost five of six at home, including a sweep by the ball-licker Mets. The Nats are in last place in the NL East and have lost seven of their last 10 games. They just picked up Wily Mo Pena from the Red Sox, and as for their rotation, well, Tim Redding is about the best they have.Read More

By Craig Elliott
Dolphin Stadium

Friday, August 3, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 4, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 5, 12:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

So I finally got an Astros game on my TV, and unfortunately for me it was the Jason Jennings one-man re-enactment of the Battle of the Little Bighorn. Though I don’t think the original had as many cannon shots. At least the Padres kidnapped Morgan Ensberg before they left town, leaving behind a stack of blankets and a pouch of magic beans. Mo had a burst of insight on the plane to the Pet Shop, realized that lo! he needed to swing the bat in order to get hits, and then cranked two homers.

Then the Astros went to Hotlanter and got spanked twice, but somehow pulled a 14-inning win out of Jennings’ gigantic ass. The game-winning hit stayed in the backyard, but it was enough to put the game in the can.

Now the Astros head to Miami for the hurricane season, where the best we can probably hope for is not getting rained out, so we don’t have to go back.

Things aren’t much better for the Marlins. They’re out of the NL East race, and Dontrelle Willis is stinking up the joint. They’ve lost their last three series, including a four-game sweep in Arizona.Read More

By Craig Elliott

RFK Stadium

Monday, July 16, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, July 17, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, July 18, 12:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

This series isn’t the ass-end of the National League, but you can smell it from here. Of the four worst teams in the NL, two are in this series. (The other two are the Giants and Reds.) The starters in this series have 71 appearances this season, but just 15 wins. And six of those came from Chris Sampson.

But this is no ordinary suck-fest we have scheduled. Oh no. Because look at what’s resurfacing from the Astros’ hazy past, like a lingering taste from a Juarez whorehouse … it’s that crazy-ass ex-girlfriend you thought you’d never have to face again … it’s … Tim Redding!

Alright, now that’s what I’m talking about. That’s what this shitty season needed … some Tim Redding, baby! Think of all the times we’ve seen Redding on the hill, and all the stress and gut-wrenching and throwing shit at the TV. But he’s never faced the Astros, as far as I can tell. Finally, we get to see that awful goatee from the other side …

Yeah, I have a real bad feeling about this. Read More

By Craig Elliott

Miller Park

The Astros somehow managed to pull out a win Sunday in Arlington, despite a monumental bullpen meltdown. The Rangers’ radio announcers helpfully pointed out that the Houston bullpen has now blown more games than it’s saved. Anyway, the Rangers still put the Silver Boot up the Astros’ ass to win the pretend rivalry for this year. I’m sure someone somewhere keeps up with how the “rivalry” stands overall, but fuck if I know. Or care. At least interleague play is done for another year and we can get back to real baseball.

The Brewers are turning the Central into a sausage-fest this year and will probably win the division. Not because they’re very good … they just aren’t bad. Which unfortunately makes them better than anyone else in the division. Exhibit A: the bumble-fuck Cubs are four games under .500 and are still in second place.

The Brewers have won 9 of their last 11, and Prince Fielder is leading the league in homers (26) and RBI (61). Ben Sheets and Jeff Suppan both have eight wins.

Monday, June 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, June 26, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, June 27, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

So I’ve bitched and moaned about how I never get to see any Astros games because the fucking Rangers are always on Fox Sports. I figured at least I’d get to see a few games this series, but no, I only got the Friday ass-kicking. I’d have a better chance of seeing an Astro if he got demoted to the minors or joined the rodeo circuit.Read More