By Craig Elliott

U.S. Cellular Field

Friday, June 8, 7:11 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, June 9, 2:55 p.m. CDT – Fox
Sunday, June 10, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

This series could be a real shit-fest, with the White Sox losing 10 of their last 12 games, and the Astros losing 16 of their last 20. Other Suck Factors include Lance Berkman’s impending suspension for Returning to the Scene of the Crime, Carlos Lee’s lack of hustle when he goes anywhere except Waffle House, and the fact that Ozzie Guillen is still going batshit insane.
Read More

By Craig Elliott

AT&T Park

Monday, May 21, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, May 22, 9:15 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, May 23, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

Since this is normally where I bitch about the stupid fucking blackout rule, I thought I’d explain my usual routine when sitting down to an Astros game. And now that I have a monster HD jumbotron, it’s even more relevant, and swear-worthy.

Usually it goes like this: turn on huge-ass TV, turn on satellite, tune to Fox Southwest. Wait anxiously, and then announce to anyone within earshot: “Goddamn Texas Rangers. They’re showing these fuckers AGAIN!” And then I go turn on XM Radio and bitch about Milo.

Sometimes there’s an alternate FSN channel, but it’s about as reliable as Morgan Ensberg with two strikes. Though I have to say, that Fox Southwest high-def channel is outstanding. If only I could just watch it every game, then I could shut my whore mouth about the shitty TV scheduling.
Read More

By Craig Elliott

The Astros have won six of their last eight, and have evened the record at 6-6. Not bad considering the team’s best hitter hasn’t accomplished much besides setting up a snack bar at first. He also tried to set up a hot dog stand, but Luke Scott kept kicking over the bun warmer with the flippers from his frogman suit.

Now the Astros get to visit four cities in a nine-day road trip, including a one-day stop in sunny Philadelphia. Throw in Cincinnati, Milwaukee, and Pittsburgh, and, well, that’s better than Spring Break, baby. The only thing missing is Foghat’s tour bus.

The Reds are leading the division and are a game ahead of the Astros. As usual, Adam Dunn is leading the team in homers (4) and strikeouts (16). Josh Hamilton also has three homers. Aaron Harang and Matt Belisle each have two wins. Edwin Encarnacion got benched recently for not running out a pop fly.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Oh yeah, Opening Day. Finally! This winter has been longer than a Morgan Ensberg home run drought. All I could do was sit and stare while the days crawled by.

We’re going to pump some new blood into the Series Previews this year, since I was getting kind of worn out and flaccid. In lieu of purchasing a cock-ring and several eightballs*, we’ve enlisted a full rotation of writers this year. We have a rotation of Taras Bulba, MRaup, and strosrays, with me and Foghorn in relief. So get ready for some book-larnin’.

Anyway … baseball!

The Astros had an eventful offseason. They’re so happy about Jennings and Lee that the Grocer is sporting a new Woody. Starin’ Andy went back to the Yankees, because they were stupid enough to think he can put in two more full seasons. In the annual Spring Rogerpalooza Tour, Clemens is waiting to see who among the Astros, Red Sox, and Yanquis sucks less balls at the end of May. So who the fuck knows. Go ask Alice.

As for the Pirates … well, you know. They picked up that LeRoach guy from the Braves. Dirty Freddy Sanchez won the batting title last year, but he’s starting the season on the DL. And they still have Jason Bay. To sum it up, here’s the sunny outlook from the Pirates’ own website: “ … the Pirates are looking hard at finishing the season above .500 for the first time since 1992.”

Good luck with that.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Tighten your seat belts and hold on to the bar, because the mighty freight train is roaring toward Atlanta and crazy-ass Scrap Iron has the fucker floored. The Astros have raced back into contention, while St. Louis is folding like a shit-house of Cards. A beaten old deck of Cards, with only one ace and one king.

Once again it comes down to the last weekend of the season. You know the drill by now. Bust out your luckiest gear, perform your sacred rituals, and maybe even eat a sausage for the Brewers. Or drink a beer or something.

When:
Friday, September 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN, ESPN
Saturday, September 30, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? KNWS
Sunday, October 1, 12:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN

MLB Extra Innings ? All the games will be on somewhere, even if it’s TBS. And ESPN and Fox will probably be covering some too. At least until someone clinches.

Where: Edifice of Greed

For the first time in 15 years or something, the Blandwagon won’t be going to the playoffs, but it will kind of be the same because the Astros still get to end their season. Since their fans never showed up for the first round anyway, it should be interesting to see if they show up for the season-ender. Though after the last two postseasons, I imagine the ATL would love to fuck up the Astros’ playoff run.

Unless wrasslin’s on, of course.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Look out boys, Scrap Iron finally got the freight train rolling and coaxed it up to .500! The Astros are picking up steam while they grind out one win after another, and the Cardinals are in a tailspin that could be truly epic.

Two series left to go, though, so it’s going to be a tense week. And don’t forget the fucking Reds, who are still only a game behind the Astros. If the Jakes crash and burn, the Reds could be in the middle of the chase too.

The Pirates are no longer in the cellar, having handed that honor to the Cubs recently. But the Pirates are also on a four-game losing streak, including a sweep by the Padres.

When:
Tuesday, September 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN
Wednesday, September 27, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN
Thursday, September 28, 11:35 a.m. CDT ? FSN

MLB Extra Innings ? The first two games will be on the Pittsburgh broadcast, and Thursday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: PNC Park

The Pirates are 41-34 at home this year, so they’re no pushover. They’re also having some sweet giveaways during this series ? a Chevy SUV, a bass boat, and a snowmobile. They probably repo’d the boat from Derek Bell.

Read More