The Astros won the last three interleague series, each by a two-games-to-one margin. They’re slowly creeping back up toward the .500 mark, but are still double-digits behind the delusional Cubs. They also decided to run Elvys out there, and they’ve shown Chacon the door, because he’s such a pain in the fucking neck. Turns out he really didn’t care for Ed Wade’s new cafeteria plan.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers just lost two of three to the Los Angeles of Anaheim Angels in the Outfield. They’ve really dropped off since Rafael Furcal hurt his back, and they’re also without Nomah and AndrUw. Chad Billingsley is leading the Dojers in wins, though his record is only 7-7. The NL West is sucking balls this year with the Snakes leading the division with a 41-41 record. If the Astros were in the West, they’d be two games out of first place right now. And if Pam Gardner had balls she’d be Andyzipp’s uncle. He’d have to take a new photo and everything.

By the way, enjoy the last four games of this homestand because the Astros won’t be home again until July 18.

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So the Great American Fairweather Merchandising Tour finally barnstorms its way into Houston. Pardon me while I scratch my balls and look unimpressed. Maybe the Yankees were a great franchise at one time, but now they’re just a bunch of overpaid hucksters selling ugly shirts and caps. Yeah I know, they have so much history, so many titles, and all that New York mystique or whatever the hell. That and $50 will get you a rhinestoned pink “NY” cap from the Debbie Clemens Collection.

And of course all weekend we’ll have to see and hear insufferable NY fans at Minute Maid cheering their softball players who finally deigned to grace the hinterlands with their traveling merchandise operation. Meanwhile, all that payroll and hype has gotten them a .500 record this season and they’re only a game out of the AL East cellar.

Not that the Astros are playing any better right now. They’ve lost five straight series, all of which were against the NL Central. Now they have to try to break the string of bad luck – on Friday the 13^th. They could try a knock on wood, but the maple bat would probably shatter and lead to a double play.

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The Astros went 4-3 on a mediocre homestand, though it included some exciting wins against the Phillies and a series win against the dumbshit Cubs. Now it’s back onto the road, believe it or not, for another long-ass trip to three cities. It’s all NL Central for the next two weeks, with visits to St. Louis, Milwaukee, and Pittsburgh, and then back home for another series with the Jakes and then the Brewers again. Whew.

(Wait! Pittsburgh? Holy shit, I thought you guys had moved to Canada or something! Is it true, I heard the Wilson Sisters may be getting back together! Tell Dirty Sanchez we said hi!)

Anyway, the shitbag Co-Ards. They’re a half-game behind the BOOK IT! Cubs, and one game ahead of the Astros. They’re just getting back to New Jake City after a West Coast trip where they won two out of three against both the Dojers and Fathers. They were late getting home because they let Albert Pujols fly the plane; he insisted on hotdogging through the Gateway Arch and crashed into one of the legs.
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The Astros have won the last two series and five of the last six games. Now it’s back on the road for a long-ass trip with stops in L.A., San Francisco (four games), and Arlington. I think this is the longest road trip of the year, with the added bonus of five late West Coast games. And amazingly, this is the Astros’ last trip to the West Coast this year. I don’t know if I like that or not; I’ve always enjoyed staying up late on a humid night in July or August and falling asleep to the Astros game from out west.

For the Astros, Lance Berkman is second in the league in homers (11), batting average (.368) and RBI (33). He’s also first in runs (36), first in slugging percentage (.752), first in doubles (13), 11^th in steals, first in pledged delegates, and has a commanding lead in caucus states. Michael Bourn is leading the league in steals (15).

Houston is also a game and a half behind the Cubs in the NL Central, and 3.5 behind the Shitbirds. The Pirates are surprisingly not in the cellar, which is currently occupied by Dusty Baker and the Reds.

The Dodgers are the only team in the NL West that can even see the D-bags. At 19-15 the Dodgers are still 3.5 games behind Arizona. The Dodgers have won their last four series, though they got blown out 12-1 by the fucking Mets in their last game. Rafael Furcal is leading the team in homers (five) and is third in the league in batting average (.366), and second in runs (34) and hits (49).

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The Astros finished the homestand with three wins and crept out of the NL Central cellar at the same time. The offense is starting to work as planned, at least some of the time, and Roy looks to be back in form, though keep your fingers crossed because ESPN is trying to trade him to the East Coast again. Matsui’s crack finally healed, but Wandy and Bourn tweaked their groins. Somethin’ taint right.

These two games against Cincinnati are the beginning of a week-long roadtrip for the Astros, with three more games against the shitbird Jakes and three against the Snakes. And according to my annual magnet schedule from BudGirl, the Astros are done with the Padres this year. Go back to your pet shop, boys.

Meanwhile, the Dickities are tied with the Astros at 9-12 and they just split a two-game series with the Dodgers. Edinson Volquez has been the ace so far with a 3-0 record and 1.21 ERA, but the Astros won’t see him this series. Edwin Encarnacion is leading the team with five homers. Brandon Phillips is leading the team in strikeouts, 18, which sounds bad until you realize Hunter Pence has 20.Read More

Minute Maid Park

Monday, April 7, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN-HD
Tuesday, April 8, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN-HD
Wednesday, April 9, 7:05 p.m. CDT – my20-HD – whatever that is, it’s in HD

The Astros finally get a home opener after a shitty 2-5 road trip. They didn’t look all that bad; it was more like they were still trying to learn each other’s numbers. The Astros have already picked up a few nagging injuries, like Lance Berkman wrenching his neck when his fleet-footed baserunning caused his head to wag too hard. Plus Ty Wigginton got spiked by a fucking Cub and will have to forfeit the clubhouse thumb-wrestling championship.

On the bright side, the Astros finally have a centerfielder again, one who’s even better than Chris Burke if you can believe that. Michael Bourn already has four steals, with Lightning Lance Berkman right on his heels with two.

The Jakes lost on Opening Day to the defending National League Champion Rukkakies, but have won all five games since. This is their first road trip of the season, and Rick Ankiel is leading the team in homers (3) and RBI (6). Pujols is 6-for-17 (.353) with two doubles. Most of the Jakes’ rotation is on the DL, including Carpenter, Mulder, and Clement.

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