By Craig Elliott

Well it may not be enough to catch St. Louis in the long run, but sweeping the Jakes out of town with four pounds of sand in their vaginas sure was fun to watch. The Astros are now 3.5 games behind the Co-Ards and one game ahead of the dipshit Reds.

The Jakes will finish the season at home with three games against the West-leading Padres, then four against the mighty Brewers, who, really, are one of my favorite teams and I hope they finish the season on a positive note with a sweep of the Jakes.

The Astros will be in Philadelphia long enough to kick the Phillies’ ass and take a dump, and then it’s off to Pittsburgh for like the 30th time this season. And the Astros will end the regular season with a series against the Braves, who are missing the postseason for the first time in 15 years or something. But the Astros will be there to abuse the Braves in the final series of the season … so at least it will seem like the playoffs to them.

Philadelphia is still leading the wildcard race, and it’s pretty well down to the Phillies and the Dodgers, who are a half-game back. The Astros are next at five games out. Philadelphia is on a five-game winning streak and has won 10 of its last 12, including a sweep in Houston last weekend. Ryan Howard is up to 58 homers now.

When:
Monday, September 25, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – The game will be on the Fox Southwest feed.

Where: Citizens Bank Park

If the place is named for a bank, you’d think they’d know where to get financing for a fucking roof. Because I can think of one place right off the top of my head.

A win today will get the Astros to .500 again, which in the crappy NL Central is Within Official Striking Distance. Remember to pull for the Padres and Brewers according to your own special, twisted superstitions.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros are wrapping up the home schedule with a long series against the shitbird Jakes. In honor of his last home game as an Astro, Brad Lidge will ignite the finale in the fireworks show. And Morgan Ensberg will just sit and stare.

The Cardinals are 7.5 games up on Cincinnati and could clinch the division during this series. Or they could get their asses kicked and clinch next week. Here’s a stat you’ll love: Preston Wilson has six homers in 25 games for the Co-Ards. The Jakes have been bad on the road this year (34-43) and just lost two of three in Milwaukee.

When:
Thursday, September 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, September 22, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN, ESPN
Saturday, September 23, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 24, 7:05 p.m. CDT – ESPN

MLB Extra Innings – Thursday’s and Friday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. ESPN will show Friday’s and Sunday’s games, but it looks like no TV Saturday if you’re outside the Astros’ broadcast area. Or if you have my situation, even if you’re in the Astros’ home area, you won’t get to see the game because Fox Southwest will probably show the fucking Rangers again. Or lately, nothing at all.

I’m down to one or two games a week on the TV now. I got to see way more Astros games when I lived in Las Vegas and had MLBEI, even though I was blacked out by six fucking West Coast teams. Now I live in the Astros’ supposed home area and get to see fewer games then ever.

Which means I end up listening to Milo on commercial-free XM for half the games, instead of watching Fox and its advertisers for three hours. But if I lived further away I could watch it on Extra Innings. Brilliant fucking marketing there, MLB.

Where: MMPUS

It’s the last home series of the season, so Yvette’s got to clean out the goodie locker and start ordering things that rhyme with “3,000.” This is Fan Appreciation Weekend, plus there will be rally towels, Roger Clemens bobbleheads, fireworks, etc.

Projected Matchups

Chris Carpenter (15-6, 2.79) v. Andy Pettitte (13-13, 4.37)

Carpenter is 5-2 against the Astros, and 1-1 this year. That includes a complete-game shutout of Houston last week. Current Astros are 66-for-275 (.240) against Carpenter, with 21 walks and 55 strikeouts. Biggio is 9-for-28 against him, while Berkman is 5-for-25 with a double and four homers. Mike Lamb is 9-for-25 (.360) with four doubles, a triple, and a homer. Burke and Huff also have homers off Carpenter.

Andy is 2-0 against the Jakes in four appearances this season. He’s struck out 15 and walked four. Overall, current Shitbirds are 72-for-267 against Pettitte for a .270 average. Preston Wilson has two homers off him, as does Scott Rolen. Juan Encarnacion has one. Encarnacion is 13-for-35 (.371) against Andy, and Scott “Red Rocket” Spezio is 10-for-33. Pujols is only 4-for-21 against Pettitte.

Jason Marquis (14-15, 5.82) v. Jason Hirsh (3-4, 5.59)

Marquis is 2-2 against Houston this year with an ERA above 5. He only lasted an inning against the Astros last week, giving up four earned runs on five hits. Lance Berkman is 13-for-25 (.520) against Marquis, with three doubles, a triple, and a homer. Morgan Ensberg is 13-for-28 with three homers. Mike Lamb is only 1-for-16 against him, but the one hit was a homer. Luke Scott is 0-for-7.

Hirsh has never faced the Co-Ards. He only gave up two runs in six innings in his last start, but took the loss anyway.

Anthony Reyes (5-7, 4.92) v. Roy Oswalt (14-8, 3.05)

Reyes has pitched against the Astros twice this season, but has no record and a 5.56 ERA. The Astros are a collective 10-for-37 against him, with a homer from Biggio. Mike Lamb is 2-for-3 against Reyes, and Biggio is 2-for-4. Chris Burke is 2-for-5 with two doubles, and Berkman is also 2-for-5. Morgan Ensberg is 0-for-6 with five strikeouts.

Roy is 7-5 against the Jakes in his career, and 2-1 this year. In four starts against St. Louis this season, Oswalt has a 1.93 ERA over 23+ innings. In career numbers, current Jakes are 67-for-257 (.261) against Roy, with 12 walks and 48 strikeouts. PooHoles is 16-for-51 (.314) against him, with three doubles and three homers. Ronnie Belliard is 5-for-15, and Rolen is 8-for-33.

Jeff Weaver (7-14, 5.84) v. Matt Albers (0-2, 6.00)

Weaver is 4-1 on the road for the Jakes this season. He’s 2-3 against the Astros in six career appearances. He went five innings against Houston last week and gave up five earned runs, but got off the hook when Lidge blew the ninth inning.

Mike Lamb is 8-for-24 with two doubles and a homer off Weaver, and Aubrey Huff is 8-for-25 with three doubles. Lance Berkman is only 3-for-17 but has a double and a homer. Ausmus is 6-for-15 against Weaver, and Biggio is 5-for-14. Palmeiro and Burke each have a homer off Weaver also.

Albers has pitched 15 innings for the Astros this season, and given up 17 hits and 10 earned runs. He’s walked seven and struck out 11. He’s never faced the Co-Ards.

Key injuries:

St. Louis – Jason Isringhausen, Mark Mulder, Ricardo Rincon, Rick Ankiel, and Larry Bigbie are out for the season. Jim Edmonds probably is too, but he can’t remember which season it is. David Eckstein is limited to pinch-hitting and kickoff coverage.

Houston – Roy Oswalt has a neck problem but should be able to start. Willy Taveras is questionable.

By Craig Elliott

There’s only one realistic, meaningful goal that’s still reachable this year: knocking Cincinnati out of the playoffs too. Not that they need any help, but while they’re in town anyway ….

Houston just got swept by the Phillies, and that fucks up any slim hopes for the postseason. Six games under .500 is where the Reds should be, not the Astros, so maybe at least we can align the standings properly with this series.

Cincy is fading as well. The Reds just lost two of three to the Cubs, and before that they lost a series to the Padres. They’re a game and a half ahead of the Astros going into this series.

When:
Monday, September 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, September 19, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, September 20, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN, ESPN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on Fox Southwest broadcast. No Skyline on the horizon.

Where: MMPUS

Promos include art cards and dollar hot dogs on Monday, and team posters on Tuesday and Wednesday. In the team poster, I wonder if Preston Wilson will be in his Cardinal uniform.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros dropped a deuce in St. Louis (and weren’t even at the airport) but did manage to pick up the series finale. They’re still six games back of the Jakes, and five behind the Padres in the wildcard race. Plus the dumbass Reds pulled ahead again, though the Astros get to deal with them soon enough.

Philly just took two of three from the ATL, and are tied with the Giants at 2.5 games behind the Pet Shop Boys. Ryan Howard is up to 56 homers now, while Utley has 28 and Burrell has 24.

If the Astros are going to make a run at the wildcard, they have to knock off the Phillies right now. And without pulling a groin.

When:
Friday, September 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 16, 12:45 p.m. CDT – Fox
Sunday, September 17, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday and Sunday’s games will be on Fox Southwest. Saturday’s game is a Fox national broadcast.

Where: MMPUS

This is the last homestand of the year, unless Scrap Iron can pull another wildcard miracle out of his ass.

Giveaways this weekend include picture frames on Friday and black Astros hats on Saturday. Also, kids can run the bases again Sunday, and parents can enjoy the hilarity as Willy Taveras guns down any lollygaggers at second.

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By Craig Elliott

Lance Berkman’s excellent three-run double Wednesday, and WillyT’s gun, gave the Astros a split in Philly. The rained-out game will be made up in the last week of the season, before the trip to Pittsburgh. The Astros are still 6.5 games behind the Jakes and have seven games left with them. In the wildcard race, the Pet Shop Boys are still on top with the Astros five games behind. Four teams are also between Houston and San Diego.

That gasping and wheezing sound you hear is the Cincinnati Reds about to fall behind the Astros. The Reds are still a half-game ahead going into the weekend series, but their tits are dragging down the stretch. A fatal stumble is imminent.

The Brewers just took two of three from the Dodgers, but before that series they had a 10-game losing streak (which included a sweep by the Astros). The Brewers are pretty much out of the playoff race now, and trying to finish 17-5 to end the season with a winning record. Good luck with that.

When:
Friday, September 8, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 9, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 10, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday and Saturday’s games will get the sausage treatment, while Sunday’s game will be on Fox Southwest. Remember to turn your brats with tongs, not forks, or Bernie Brewer will kick you in the nuts.

Where: Miller Park

In other Wisconsin news, the Packers open at home Sunday against the Bears. The crowd may be sparse at Miller Park to see the matchup between TBA and Dave Bush.

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By Craig Elliott

I guess the face-shaped dent in the left-centerfield fence could be known as Carlos’ Grill. That was some faceplant by the Traitor. Fucking Mets.

The Astros are 3.5 games behind the Pet Shop Boys, while the Brewers, Rukakkies, and Snakes are fading a little. Philadelphia is 1.5 games behind San Diego and two games ahead of Houston, so here’s a great chance for the Astros to move up.

The Phillies just had back-to-back doubleheaders with the ATL, which they split. Both of them. Ryan Howard hit three homers in one game Sunday, raising his league-leading total to 52. Chase Utley and Pat Burrell each have 24 homers as well.

When:
Monday, September 4, 2:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, September 5, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, September 6, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. I’m in the Fox Southwest home area this season, and lately I’ve been getting way too much of the fucking Rangers. Seems like every other Astros game is blocked by the Rangers now.

Where: Citizens Bank Park

This is the start of yet another three-city road trip, though it’s the last one of the year. Well, unless the Astros start the playoffs on the road.

Phillies fans get to run the bases after Monday’s game. And the players and coaches get to throw shit and boo.

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