By Craig Elliott

Yeah, sweep those smelly-ass beer farts out of town! The Astros have won six in a row and are 2.5 games off the wildcard lead. They’re also 5.5 games behind the Jakes, with two series left against them.

Nearly all of September will be played against playoff contenders (or at least they’re mostly in contention right now). In addition to seven big games with the Co-Ards, the Astros also have six with the Phillies, three more with the Commies, and first up, a three-game series with the goddamn New York Mets. Fucking blue-and-black traitor-hiring pieces of shit. Goddamn I hate the Mets.

Anyway, the assmunch Mets have gone 11-2 since mid-August. They’ve pretty much wrapped up the East, and at this point are just running victory laps and throwing dollars to the whores. Especially a certain Puerto Rican Whore. The Stem also picked up Shawn Green from the Snakes last week.

When:
Friday, September 1, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 2, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 3, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Saturday will be a New York broadcast.

Where: MMPUS

Friday will feature the usual fireworks and also Tino Wallenda will perform above homeplate after the game. Unfortunately, Wallenda just signed Scott Boras as his agent, and thought the tightrope was defective. So he held out for a no-frayed clause.

Giveaways this weekend include gym bags on Saturday and Minute Maid Park replicas on Sunday. Grandparents can also walk the bases after the game Sunday, though after a series with the Mets, Gramps will want to watch where he steps. And don’t forget to enter Grandma in the Stop Thief! Competition, in which Brad Ausmus will try to throw out your grandmother at second base.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just took three of four from the Pirates, including a 13-1 laugher on Sunday that helped Jason Hirsh to his second win. Houston is 3.5 games behind Cincinnati now, with a little more than a month left to play. Most of the National League is still in the wildcard chase too.

Now we get to see the Big Three of the rotation pitching at home, in the playoff chase. And speaking of playoff chase, it’s time to knock Milwaukee out of it. The Brewers just got swept in a four-game series with the Fish, so the road trip isn’t going well for them. Milwaukee is a game behind Houston in the wildcard race, and five games behind Cincinnati.

When:
Tuesday, August 29, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 30, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. After that long-ass road trip, it’s about time for some Yvette.

Where: MMPUS

Tuesday’s giveaway is the Clemens road T-shirt, so get there early. And on Wednesday they’re giving away the scratch tickets, where you could win things like a pinch on the ass from Milo, or your own chance to strike out Morgan Ensberg on three pitches. Also, watch for the upcoming MoBerg Night, when NASA rocketry scientists will be on hand to re-enact moonshots from third base to first.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros got a nasty cockpunch from the Reds, though a nice comeback Wednesday helped ease the swelling a little. Ouch. Meanwhile, the wildcard race is slipping away, despite every line-up Garner can pull out of his ass. Maybe a four-game set with the Pirates will help set things right.

The Pirates just took two of three in Atlanta. But they still have the worst record in the National League, and only Kansas City is worse in the majors. Jason Bay is leading the team in pretty much everything, including homers with 28.

When:
Thursday, August 24, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, August 25, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 27, 12:35 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Saturday’s game will be on Fox Southwest. All the others will be on the Pittsburgh feed.

Where: PNC Park

There will be fireworks after each of the first three games. And then during Sunday’s game, the Pirates will reveal the name of their new mascot. Here are a few suggestions:

* Pegleg Milo
* Derek Bell
* Ghost of Nancy Wilson
* Dreamboat Manny

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros worked a split in Milwaukee, and now travel to Cincinnati for some overdue business with the Dickities. This is the last trip to Cincy this year, and the next-to-last series with the pissant Redlegs. At five games back, the Astros need to make up some ground in this series.

On the other hand, a beatdown from the Reds now would officially make us their bitch for the season. And that’s no fun in a city where they casually toss around the word “cornhole.”

The Dickities just won a series against the Pirates, and earlier in the week they lost two of three to the Co-Ards. They’ve somehow hung on to the wildcard lead, despite going 9-10 so far in August. There must be a vacuum of Suck that’s keeping the rest of the NL from reaching the Reds.

When:
Monday, August 21, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, August 22, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 23, 11:35 a.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – The first two games will be on the Skyline feed, and the Wednesday game will be on Fox Southwest. I strongly recommend eating BEFORE the Monday and Tuesday games, so you don’t lose your appetite with all the commercials for shitty chili.

Where: Great American Ballpark

The Reds are 33-32 at home this year, while the Astros are 25-34 on the road. The Astros also lost two of three on the last trip to Cincinnati, and are 2-7 against the Reds this season.

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By Craig Elliott

A sweep. A sweep by the goddamn dumbass Cubs. With Oswalt, Clemens, and Pettitte pitching at home. Every fan who stayed to the end of the 18-inning game should have won a year’s supply of LOBsters. Except for all those dipshits behind the Cubs dugout in the 18th inning. They can go blow goats or whatever it is that Cubs fans do in Houston.

The Astros are now five games behind the Dickities in the wildcard race, and looking up at most of the NL West as well. This playoff run feels more like slogging through the cinnamony mud of the Ohio River. With a pulled groin.

The Brewers just took two of three in Pittsburgh, and they’re tied with Houston again in the wildcard race. Carlos Lee is still leading the team in hits, homers, and RBI, despite playing in Texas now. Chris Capuano is leading in wins, strikeouts, and innings pitched, but the Astros won’t face him this series.

When:
Thursday, August 17, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, August 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 19, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 20, 1:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS

MLB Extra Innings – Thursday’s game will be on the Fox Southwest feed, Friday’s and Saturday’s games will on the Milwaukee broadcast, and it looks like there’s no broadcast Sunday.

Where: Miller Park

The Chorizo only made one race appearance before it got shitcanned by MLB. Because all marketing gimmicks have to be blessed by the league office a year in advance or some shit. Just figures that every time someone thinks of a new way to show off their sausage, Bud Selig takes a big bite first.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just lost two out of three to San Diego, but remain in the thick of things. The wildcard race is a real sludgepile, and as Alkie has astutely pointed out, the shitbird Jakes may be joining it soon. Luke Scott has also taken Preston Wilson’s job, so good luck to both of them.

The Cubs have dropped their last two series, plus Mark Prior is done for the year, again. Carlos Zambrano is the only non-rookie in the rotation. The only question now is whether or not Dusty’s contract gets renewed. And if it’s not renewed, then this is Dusty’s last trip to Houston.

When:
Monday, August 14, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, August 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, August 16, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest feed. No need for WGN.

Where: MMPUS

The Astros are wrapping up the long homestand before going on the road for a week and a half. Houston leads the season series with the Cubs 8-4. This will wrap up the season series with the Cubs, so get your jeers in while you can.

The giveaways for this series are pretty good … a shuttle cap on Monday, K cards on Tuesday, and Clemens T-shirts on Wednesday.

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