By Craig Elliott

The Astros split four games with the Marlins, though it should have been better. Once again, Oswalt and Clemens were left searching for run support, though Aubrey Huff helped in recovering Oswalt’s game. Now it’s on to Chicago to try to dogpile the dumbass Cubs, who just suffered the indignity of giving up an 11-run inning. To the goddamn fucking Mets, who are next on the roadtrip by the way.

The Cubs are 21 games under .500, Wood and Prior are back on the DL, and Carlos Zambrano got knocked out of the All-Star game by a fungo bat. How ’bout those Cubbies?

When:
Tuesday, July 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, July 19, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, July 20, 1:20 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Tuesday’s game will be on the Chicago Fox broadcast, and the other two will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Wrigley Field

The Cubs are 15-27 at home this season, which is the worst home record in the majors. By comparison, the Royals are 19-23 at home.

On Thursday at Wrigley, the first 5,000 girls age 14 and under will get free doll-sized Cubs apparel. Miniature corked bats, puke stains, and Walkmen sold separately.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros stepped all over their own dicks (except Roy Oswalt, who missed) while sputtering into the All-Star Break. But now the real race starts, and Purpura has already started chopping wood by nabbing Aubrey Huff and shitcanning Gary Gaetti. Jason Lane got sent down and Morgan Ensberg got a serious shot across his bow. So he took a check-swing at it and then sat down.

Houston is six games back of the fucking Jakes, with the Reds and Brewers still hanging around before they wilt down the stretch. The Astros are also 3.5 games off the lead in the wildcard race, though of course it’s a bit early to start thinking about that. The fact is, the Co-Ards can be taken down if the Astros play like they’re capable of doing.

Meanwhile, Florida has lost 7 of its last 10 games, and they can’t even see the Mets in the NL East. But for a team that’s started 20 rookies this season, they’re sucking less than expected. Which I guess is a compliment.

When:
Thursday, July 13, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, July 14, 6:35 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, July 15, 5:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, July 16, 12:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Thursday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Florida broadcast. Looks like no TV for Friday and Saturday.

Where: Dolphin Stadium

They might as well call it Don’t Let the Door Hit You in the Ass Stadium, since the Marlins are busy shopping for a new park in a new city. Or at least they were the last time I heard anything about it. My money’s still on them moving to Vegas, but I’m admittedly biased.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just took two of three from the dumbass Cubs, somehow managing to miss the sweep despite another complete game from Roy. Houston is still four games behind the Shitbird Jakes, who are somehow still in first place despite going 9-16 in June.

The Jakes are staggering around like a cardinal with its head cut off, but they still need a good kick in the balls to speed up their pending descent. And since the Astros are four games back with a four-game series staring them in the face, this seems like a perfect time for Jake-Breaking. Meanwhile, the Co-Ards also just picked up Jeff Weaver, so don’t be surprised if he starts in this series, maybe in place of Sidney Pontoon.

When:
Thursday, July 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, July 7, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, July 8, 3:05 p.m. CDT – Fox
Sunday, July 9, 7:05 p.m. CDT – ESPN

MLB Extra Innings – Thursday’s and Friday’s games will be on Fox Southwest. The other two are national broadcasts.

Where: MMPUS

Yvette is busting out the goodies this weekend, including NL championship rings, tote bags, fireworks, K-cards, Pettitte posters, and rally towels. And by the way, I’m disappointed that Fox Southwest now seems to show Yvette only from the centerfield camera. Those long-range cameras tend to … eh … compact things.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros managed to win only one game in Chicago, after blowing 15 leads and giving up 10 grand slams. At this point the bullpen is melting down faster than a Willy Taveras thread on the Talkzone. The ‘Stros are still 5 games back of the Co-Ards, despite St. Louis losing six in row. But those Jake losses were also to the White Sox and the Tigers.

The Tigers have the best record in baseball and are just ahead of the cocksucking White Sox. Detroit just swept the Co-Ards, and they’re 16-7 in June. Third-baseman Brandon Inge leads the team in homers with 16, but Magglio Ordonez and Marcus Thames each have 15, and Chris Shelton has 14. Kenny Rogers has 10 wins, and Todd Jones has 20 saves.

When:
Monday, June 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, June 27, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, June 28, 12:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Monday’s and Tuesday’s games will be on the Fox Sports Detroit affiliate, and Wednesday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Comerica Park

The Tigers are 23-14 at home, while the Astros are 13-20 on the road.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just don’t seem fully involved in this dumbass interleague shit, having dropped series now to both the Royals and Twins. And now they have to face the two top teams in the softball league – Chicago and Detroit. But hey, Roger Clemens is back! Go buy a #22 T-shirt, damn it.

The White Sacks are a half-game behind Detroit, and they just swept the Jakes. But the real news has been Ozzie Guillen’s ongoing freak show act and meltdown. Don’t be surprised if during the All-Star Game, Guillen orders a beaning and doesn’t get it, so he tries to send another team’s ace to the minors.

When:
Friday, June 23, 7:35 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, June 24, 12:20 p.m. CDT – Fox
Sunday, June 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT – ESPN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s game will be on Fox Southwest, Saturday’s will be on Fox, and Sunday’s will be on ESPN.

Where: US Cellular Field

This weekend the White Sox will be sponsoring Fag Night, where 10,000 lucky fans will get a free reach-around from Ozzie Guillen. Plus one lucky homo will get two autographed balls (his own balls, of course), a shit-stained copy of the Chicago Sun-Times that Pierzynski wiped his ass with, and of course, an inadequate mumbled apology from Bud Selig.

Sox fans should also watch for exciting upcoming promotions, which include Hugo Chavez Appreciation Day, Shake My Goddamn Hand Night, and a Venezuelan Pinata Fiesta, in which blindfolded fans try to bean Ozzie while he screams and calls them faggots.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just lost a series to the Royals, and are seven games behind the Co-Ards. But never fear Astros fans, because it’s time to buy shit! The Orgy o’ Roger is pulling into the station, and there’s someone in your family who doesn’t have a #22 jersey yet. Or at least one of the neighbors.

The Twins are at .500 but they’re already 11.5 games behind the Tigers. They’re on a seven-game winning streak, and have won 9-of-10. They just swept the Pirates, right after sweeping the Red Sox. Catcher Joe Mauer is leading the majors in batting at .380.

When:
Tuesday, June 20, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, June 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, June 22, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN/ESPN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. And Thursday’s game will be broadcast worldwide live on ESPN, so that even African tribes and Euroweenies can see Roger pitch. Even if it interrupts their little soccerball tournament. (Though I must say I enjoy Limey’s World Cup updates; when the finals roll around, I’ll know who to cheer for.)

Where: MMPUS

The Orgy o’ Roger will finally arrive at Minute Maid in a stunning burst of pure marketing energy. Yvette won’t be able to go on-camera because the brilliant radiance of her Inner Marketing Synergy will cause her to actually glow. She’ll be cooled off by 22 interns, who will fan her with rhinestoned pink towels from the Debbie Clemens collection.

And, hey, look, it’s also UT Night when Roger’s pitching! Why, what are the odds? 22:1, I guess.

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