By Craig Elliott
The Astros just don’t seem fully involved in this dumbass interleague shit, having dropped series now to both the Royals and Twins. And now they have to face the two top teams in the softball league – Chicago and Detroit. But hey, Roger Clemens is back! Go buy a #22 T-shirt, damn it.
The White Sacks are a half-game behind Detroit, and they just swept the Jakes. But the real news has been Ozzie Guillen’s ongoing freak show act and meltdown. Don’t be surprised if during the All-Star Game, Guillen orders a beaning and doesn’t get it, so he tries to send another team’s ace to the minors.
When:
Friday, June 23, 7:35 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, June 24, 12:20 p.m. CDT – Fox
Sunday, June 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT – ESPN
MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s game will be on Fox Southwest, Saturday’s will be on Fox, and Sunday’s will be on ESPN.
Where: US Cellular Field
This weekend the White Sox will be sponsoring Fag Night, where 10,000 lucky fans will get a free reach-around from Ozzie Guillen. Plus one lucky homo will get two autographed balls (his own balls, of course), a shit-stained copy of the Chicago Sun-Times that Pierzynski wiped his ass with, and of course, an inadequate mumbled apology from Bud Selig.
Sox fans should also watch for exciting upcoming promotions, which include Hugo Chavez Appreciation Day, Shake My Goddamn Hand Night, and a Venezuelan Pinata Fiesta, in which blindfolded fans try to bean Ozzie while he screams and calls them faggots.
Projected Matchups
Andy Pettitte (6-7, 5.44) v. Jose Contreras (7-0, 2.96)
Andy has gone 2-2 in June, including his last start against the Royals. He’s 10-7 against the White Sox, and also worked six innings against them in the World Series. Current White Sox are 30-for-98 (.306) against Andy, with homers from Juan Uribe and Paul Konerko. Konerko is 9-for-23 against Pettitte, and Jim Thome is 6-for-19 (.316). Jermaine Dye is 6-for-18 and Asswipe Pierzynski is 4-for-11.
Contreras has a 15-game regular-season winning streak. He also won Game One of the World Series against the Astros. In that game, Contreras gave up six hits and three ER in seven innings. Mike Lamb had a homer off him, WillyT had two doubles, and Lance Berkman had one double. In regular season play, only three Astros have faced Contreras. Eric Munson is 1-for-11, Preston Wilson is 1-for-3, and Dan Wheeler is 0-for-1.
Taylor Buchholz (4-6, 5.82) v. Jon Garland (6-3, 5.58)
Buchholz has never faced the White Sox. In his last outing, he held the Royals to two runs in six innings and got the win.
Garland got a no-decision against the Astros in Game Three of the World Series. He’s never faced Houston in the regular season, though four Astros have records against him: Lamb is 1-for-9, Munson is 2-for-8 with a homer, Ausmus is 0-for-2, and Palmeiro is 1-for-2. In the World Series, Garland went seven innings, gave up seven hits, and two ER. Jason Lane had a homer off him, and Biggio had a double.
Roy Oswalt (6-3, 3.32) v. Javier Vazquez (8-4, 4.43)
Oswalt had one bad inning in his last start, and that was enough to blow it. In the World Series last year, Oswalt went six innings in Game Three and gave up five ER. Joe Dirt had a homer off him. Roy has never faced the White Sox in the regular season, but he’s faced several of their batters. They are a collective 25-for-90 (.278) against him, with a homer from Jim Thome. Rob Mackowiak is 8-for-36 against Roy, and Scott Pencildick is 6-for-23. Asswipe Pierzynski is 5-for-8 (.625).
Vazquez is 2-5 against the Astros with an ERA above 4. This is his first season with the White Sox after spending six seasons in Montreal, and one each with the Yankees and D-Backs. Current Astros are 38-for-159 (.239) against Vazquez. Morgan Ensberg is 5-for-10 with a homer and a double, and Preston Wilson is 7-for-32 (.219) with three doubles and three homers. Eric Munson also has a homer off Vazquez.
Key injuries:
Houston – Just Backe and Bagwell.
Chicago – Brian N. Anderson and David Riske are serving suspensions. Dustin Hermanson is probably out for the season, and Jeff Nelson is definitely out for the season. Cliff Politte is also out.