By Craig Elliott

The Astros are 7-2 in August, which includes three series wins. After sweeping the Pirates out of town, the ‘Stros are now 6 games behind the fucking Jakes, and 2.5 games off the wildcard lead. The dumbass Reds are out on their feet and ready for a knockout punch, with three teams from the West sitting a half-game out.

One of those teams is the Padres. They’re only 3-7 over their last 10 games, including losing last week’s series to the Astros. They just got swept by the cocksucking Mets, and are about to drop behind the Dojers and Snakes in the West. Plus the Rukkakies are still hanging close and looking up expectantly at the leaders with those big adorable eyes. Apparently it has something to do with everyone’s balls being heavier in Coors this year. Or whatever.

Also, rumor has it that the Padres’ plane was delayed from leaving New York because of the new carry-on rules. There was an uncomfortable moment at Security when no one would claim the industrial-size jug of hand lotion. Luckily things got moving again when Mike Piazza offered to inspect everyone’s packages.

When:
Friday, August 11, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 12, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, August 13, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. No broadcast Saturday, I guess.

Where: MMPUS

Friday is ’80s Night, so be sure to wear either a Rainbow Gut or Rainbow Shoulder. There will also be umbrella giveaways, and one lucky fan will win a limited-edition ankle-grabber umbrella stand, shaped like Mike Piazza’s ass.

On Saturday you can score a non-urine-smelling Astrodome replica, and on Sunday they’re giving away lunch bags, which are cooler than they sound.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just won two series AND had a winning roadtrip. August must finally be here. The teetering Reds are only 3.5 games ahead of Houston now, and the Jakes are 8 games ahead. Lance Berkman is still hitting everything in sight, despite having to be wheeled around the bases in a wagon by Jose Cruz.

The Pirates have the worst record in the National League, and are ahead of only the Royals in all Major League Baseball. Plus they even broke up the band and traded Nancy Wilson to the Yankees. But if we could just trade OUR Wilson to the Pirates, then they could restart the band … nah, nevermind.

When:
Tuesday, August 8, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 9, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 10, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Which is fine with me, because the Pittsburgh guys will only be talking about the fucking Steelers anyway. I wonder if Ben Roethlisberger has recorded a public service announcement yet about wearing a goddamn helmet.

Where: MMPUS

Monday was the Astros’ last day off for three weeks. This is the beginning of a three-series homestand, and except for this weekend’s set with the Padres, the rest of the month will be played against the Central. Most of it against the bottom third of the Central (assuming the Brewers stay in fourth place where they belong).

When the Pirates are in town, Double Play Tuesday with its cheap hot dogs is, of course, also still known as ?Derek Bell Throwback Day.? At least they’re Earl Campbell’s hot dogs. The rest of the promos for this series are pretty lame: teddy bears for kids on Wednesday, and lanyards on Thursday. Meh. Good enough for a mid-week series with the Pirates, I guess.

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By Craig Elliott

So, while everyone else was stressing out over the trade deadline Monday afternoon, I was laid out in the hospital, getting my first colonoscopy. Talk about taking one for the team. I told the doctor that while she was in there snaking things out, to be on the lookout for any relievers or RBI batters. But as you know by now, the search was fruitless and there was nothing to pull out of my ass (though they did evict one of Roy Oswalt’s spies).

Anyway.

The Astros lost the chance to sweep the Pet Shop Boys, but did look a little better in taking the series. Houston is still only 4.5 games back in the wildcard race, though still looking up at most of the pathetic National League.

Arizona just split a doubleheader, and a four-game series, with the Cubs. They’re a game back of San Diego in the NL West, and only a half-game behind the Reds in the wildcard race.

When:
Friday, August 4, 8:40 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 5, 8:40 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 6, 3:40 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Looks like no broadcast Friday. Saturday’s game will be on the Arizona feed, and Sunday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Chase Field

Arizona is dead-even at home this year, 26-26. However, the Astros are only 21-31 on the road. Any relievers who blow a lead for Roger this weekend may be found later, BOBbing in the swimming pool.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros seem to be in a Terry Schiavo-like state right now. Common sense says “have mercy and pull the damn plug,” but then a lazy eye seems to follow the balloon for a second or two and you think, “Hey! There MIGHT be an ounce of hope left!” But then reality sets in and you realize that even Terry Schiavo could work a walk from Brad Lidge right now … or at least an HBP.

Maybe Purpura can pull a miracle out of his ass this weekend, but I’m not holding my breath. The thing is, the parts already seem to be here and more or less in working order. It’s just that they don’t seem to work together as a whole. I guess Drayton can throw more money at the problem, but that still doesn’t mean this patient will get up and walk. Much less drive in a run.

Meanwhile … the Diamondbacks just dropped two of three to the Phillies, though they had won their four previous series. They’re three games behind the Padres in the West, and 2.5 games behind the Reds in the wildcard race. Third-baseman Chad Tracy is leading the team in homers, RBIs, hits, and runs, but he also has 93 strikeouts compared to 56 for the next-closest whiffer.

When:
Friday, July 28, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, July 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, July 30, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Looks like no broadcast Saturday. Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: MMPUS

Lots of good promotions again this weekend. Friday will be 70’s Night, so bust out the Rainbow Guts. There will also be Colt Stadium replica giveaways, and of course the usual fireworks (but read the fine print, because it’s doubtful the fireworks will be provided by the Astros’ offense). Biggio figurines will be given away Saturday, and on Sunday it’s Matchbox cars. Sunday will also feature the always-popular Kids Run the Bases event, with an added twist: your youngster can choose to be either walked by Brad Lidge, or hit by a pitch.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros are returning from an uninspiring roadtrip, though it was fun to see the lolly-gagging Stem stepping on their own dicks Sunday. Now it’s back home for a series with the dipshit Reds, who are somehow still leading the wildcard race. But there are two months left in the season, and I don’t think Cincinnati can hold onto the lead.  Now would be a good time for the Astros to thump the punkass Reds and send the overachievers back to the bottom of the Ohio River where they belong.

The Reds have lost their last two series, though they swept four games from the Rukkakies right after the All-Star Break. They’re still barely holding onto the wildcard lead, but right now there are really only three NL teams (gNats, Cubs, Pirates) who are out of it. The Astros are 5 games behind Cincinnati, tied with L.A. and Colorado.

If the Astros’ marketing team were on the ball, we’d be seeing Sheriff Blaylock’s Authentic Chili Night right about now, with complimentary chocolate bars and packets of cinnamon to throw at Cincinnati players. Of course they’d probably just collect it all and save it for the next Greater Cincinnati Three-Way Cornhole Tournament.

When:
Tuesday, July 25, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, July 26, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, July 27, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Looks like no broadcast Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday’s games will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: MMPUS

Thundersticks and chatterbats, whatever those are, will be the chief giveaways this weekend. I’ve never seen either of those things in action, but I have a hunch they are most effective when being pounded on the Reds’ dugout roof. While chanting “Jun-i-yooooor … come out to play-ee-ay!”

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By Craig Elliott

Goddamn fucking New York Mets. I hate the cocksucking Stem like nothing else. Fucking Jeri-curled, black-and-blue, no-trade-clause-giving, Gascan-loving, unfit-to-wear-orange Mets. Their piece-of-dogshit stadium and assmunch fans can kiss my ass too. Fucking Mets.

So anyway. The Astros couldn’t even pull off a series win against the dumbass Cubs, despite throwing Roy, Roger, and Andy at them. Then the Astros responded by sending down Wandy, the team leader in wins and herpes. Matt Albers was called up for bullpen duty, so keep your fingers crossed. Purpura is still out there trying to land either another reliever or Miguel Tejada, depending upon whatever Polly Prissy Pants says at Pinwheel’s teaparty.

Also, in case you don’t read the Eastern media, the Stem have already won the National League this year. Sorry to break it to you, but it’s already been decided so we don’t even need an NLCS.    Just bow down to the altar of traitors, dipshits, and snivelers, and bring on the Yankees.

Goddamn fucking Mets.

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