By Craig Elliott
The Astros are 7-2 in August, which includes three series wins. After sweeping the Pirates out of town, the ‘Stros are now 6 games behind the fucking Jakes, and 2.5 games off the wildcard lead. The dumbass Reds are out on their feet and ready for a knockout punch, with three teams from the West sitting a half-game out.
One of those teams is the Padres. They’re only 3-7 over their last 10 games, including losing last week’s series to the Astros. They just got swept by the cocksucking Mets, and are about to drop behind the Dojers and Snakes in the West. Plus the Rukkakies are still hanging close and looking up expectantly at the leaders with those big adorable eyes. Apparently it has something to do with everyone’s balls being heavier in Coors this year. Or whatever.
Also, rumor has it that the Padres’ plane was delayed from leaving New York because of the new carry-on rules. There was an uncomfortable moment at Security when no one would claim the industrial-size jug of hand lotion. Luckily things got moving again when Mike Piazza offered to inspect everyone’s packages.
When:
Friday, August 11, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 12, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, August 13, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. No broadcast Saturday, I guess.
Where: MMPUS
Friday is ’80s Night, so be sure to wear either a Rainbow Gut or Rainbow Shoulder. There will also be umbrella giveaways, and one lucky fan will win a limited-edition ankle-grabber umbrella stand, shaped like Mike Piazza’s ass.
On Saturday you can score a non-urine-smelling Astrodome replica, and on Sunday they’re giving away lunch bags, which are cooler than they sound.
Projected Matchups
Mike Thompson (3-3, 4.31) v. Andy Pettitte (10-12, 4.96)
Thompson is probably starting in place of Chan Ho Park, who still has problems with anemia or something. Thompson has given up 34 earned runs on 72 hits this year, in 72 innings. He’s also given up 10 homers, walked 23, and struck out 31. He’s never faced the Astros.
If Park goes today, look for a big day from Aubrey Huff. He’s 4-for-8 with two homers off Park. Biggio is 10-for-39 with three homers.
Andy is 2-1 against the Friars, and 1-0 this year. He beat San Diego 1-0 last week, going six innings and giving up five hits. He also walked two and struck out eight. Current Padres are only 27-for-131 (.206) against Pettitte, with homers from Cameron and Piazza. Todd Walker, Mark Bellhorn, Ben Johnson, and Josh Barfield are a combined 0-for-18 against Pettitte.
Jake Peavy (5-11, 4.69) v. Jason Hirsh (13-2, 2.10 at Round Rock)
Peavy is 4-4 against the Astros and 0-1 this year. He’s 1-6 since the beginning of June and been giving up the long ball much more this season, though he’s still getting the strikeouts. In his last start he held the Nats to one run (a leadoff homer by Soriano) on four hits, but he only lasted 5.1 innings and threw 119 pitches.
Current Astros are only 35-for-168 (.208) against Peavy, with 17 walks and 40 strikeouts. Morgan Ensberg is 5-for-13 with two doubles and a homer off him, and WillyT is 5-for-12. Berkman is only 3-for-20 and Biggio is 7-for-25 (.280).
All I know about Hirsh is what I’ve read from our minors experts. He’s 13-2 in 23 appearances at Round Rock, and in 137 innings he’s given up 94 hits, 32 earned runs, and 5 homers. He’s walked 51 and struck out 118.
Woody Williams (4-4, 3.89) v. Brandon Backe (3-1, 3.69)
Williams is 10-6 against Houston and 0-1 this year. Last week against the Astros he lasted 6+ innings and gave up four earned runs, including back-to-back homers to Biggio and Lamb. Current Astros are 87-for-288 (.302) against Woody, with numerous homers (two for Biggio and Wilson, and one each for Ausmus, Berkman, Lamb, and Ensberg). Preston Wilson is 6-for-17 (.353) against Williams, with three doubles to go with his two homers. Adam Everett is also 8-for-21 (.381) with two doubles. Berkman is only 10-for-41 (.244) with 12 strikeouts.
Backe is 2-0 against the Padres, including a win last weekend. In that game he went 7.2 innings and only gave up one earned run on seven hits. Current Padres are 11-for-55 (.200) against him, with no homers. Giles is 3-for-7 against Backe, and Dave Roberts is 2-for-7. Walker, Cameron, Piazza, Green, Barfield, Klesko, Blum, Gonzalez, Young, and Bellhorn are a combined 5-for-39 against Backe.
Key injuries:
San Diego – Chan Ho Park will probably miss the start in the opener. Spicoli is questionable for this series after spraining his middle finger against the Astros last week. Shawn Estes is out for the season, and Donut Truck is in Class A on a rehab assignment.
Houston – Just Bagwell.
Other shit
* Larry Walker may have made a career change. There was a band playing here in Hot Springs recently called “Cathead Biscuit”.
* The Red Sox just got swept by the Royals. East Coast sportswriters say it doesn’t count though, because they heard a rumor that Roger Clemens is going to buy the Red Sox, trade himself to Boston, and use his super-ego powers to nullify all their past losses.