By Craig Elliott
So, while everyone else was stressing out over the trade deadline Monday afternoon, I was laid out in the hospital, getting my first colonoscopy. Talk about taking one for the team. I told the doctor that while she was in there snaking things out, to be on the lookout for any relievers or RBI batters. But as you know by now, the search was fruitless and there was nothing to pull out of my ass (though they did evict one of Roy Oswalt’s spies).
Anyway.
The Astros lost the chance to sweep the Pet Shop Boys, but did look a little better in taking the series. Houston is still only 4.5 games back in the wildcard race, though still looking up at most of the pathetic National League.
Arizona just split a doubleheader, and a four-game series, with the Cubs. They’re a game back of San Diego in the NL West, and only a half-game behind the Reds in the wildcard race.
When:
Friday, August 4, 8:40 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, August 5, 8:40 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, August 6, 3:40 p.m. CDT – FSN
MLB Extra Innings – Looks like no broadcast Friday. Saturday’s game will be on the Arizona feed, and Sunday’s will be on Fox Southwest.
Where: Chase Field
Arizona is dead-even at home this year, 26-26. However, the Astros are only 21-31 on the road. Any relievers who blow a lead for Roger this weekend may be found later, BOBbing in the swimming pool.
Projected Matchups
Roy Oswalt (8-7, 3.23) v. Miguel Batista (9-5, 4.71)
Roy beat the Snakes in his last outing, and has back-to-back wins for the first time since late April. He went eight innings against Arizona last weekend, giving up only one run on six hits. Oswalt is 5-0 lifetime against the Diamondbacks.
Eric Byrnes is 2-for-4 against Roy, while Chris Snyder is 2-for-5 with a double and a homer. Johnny Estrada and Damion Easley also have homers off Roy. Chad Tracy is 0-for-12 against him, and Shawn Green is 2-for-10.
Batista’s last game was in Houston, and he got a no-decision after allowing four runs in six innings. He’s 2-3 for his career against the Astros. He was 2-0 in July, but also had four no-decisions. Ensberg is 2-for-5 with a homer off him, and Brad Ausmus is 4-for-10. Berkman is 4-for-9, and Bidge is 9-for-23 (.391) with three doubles.
Roger Clemens (2-4, 2.09) v. Brandon Webb (12-4, 2.74)
Clemens had a great outing against the Snakes on Sunday, but of course the bullpen coughed it up. Roger has held the opposition to two runs or less in all but one of his eight starts. He’s 2-1 overall against Arizona with an ERA of 1.33.
Current D-Backs are hugging the Mendoza line against Clemens, going 45-for-225 (.200). Easley, Clark, Gonzo, and Tracy all have one homer off him. Tracy is 4-for-9, while Estrada is 3-for-8. Clark is 10-for-40, Easley is 12-for-59 (.203), and Luis Gonzalez is 5-for-24 (.208).
Webb was sent home from Chicago with a sore elbow, though an MRI showed no structural damage. He’s tentatively scheduled to pitch today, but don’t be surprised if he misses this start. Webb beat the Astros early in the season but didn’t pitch in Houston last weekend.
Preston Wilson is 7-for-25 (.280) with two doubles against him, and Aubrey Huff is 2-for-5 with a double. Everyone else, not so much. Biggio, Ausmus, Berkman, Everett, Ensberg, and Taveras are a combined 10-for-67 against Webb. Biggio is only 1-for-17, but the one hit was a homer.
Andy Pettitte (10-11, 4.97) v. Claudio Vargas (8-8, 5.43)
Pettitte is 0-2 against Arizona this year and 1-4 overall. One of those losses came in relief last weekend. Andy’s also 4-2 since the beginning of July. Luis Gonzalez is 5-for-11 with a double and a homer off Andy, while Damian Easley is 15-for-50. Chad Tracy and Eric Byrnes are both 2-for-10, though Byrnes does have a homer. Tony Clark also has a homer off Pettitte.
Vargas is 0-1 against Houston this year and 1-2 overall. His loss to the Astros came in April, when he gave up eight hits and five earned runs in 3+ innings. Morgan Ensberg is 4-for-8 against Vargas with two homers, and Adam Everett is 3-for-5 (!) with two doubles and a homer. Mike Lamb also has a homer. Biggio and Berkman are a combined 2-for-19.
Key injuries:
Houston – Lance Berkman says he and his groin will be ready for this series. I hope he tain’t lyin’.
Arizona – Andy Green, Craig Counsell and Tony Clark are all out. Brandon Webb has a sore elbow and is still a question mark for this series. Johnny Estrada has missed some time with an upset stomach, but should be back for this series.
Speaking of upset stomachs, here’s today’s Health Fact. The worst part of a colonoscopy is the prep work. Because if the umpire’s going to get a clear look at the bag, then the line of sight can’t be blocked. If you get my drift. The pipes have to be sparkling clean.
So the night before, you have to take these huge fucking horsepills, three at a time with a big-ass glass of ginger ale. Repeat every 15 minutes, for an hour and a half. And then strap in and get ready for lift-off, because a Saturn 5 is about to launch in your bathroom.
Oh, and you get to repeat it all the next morning. It’s like eating a bowl of skyline chili, but with ginger ale.
Anyway, Johnny Estrada is probably OK for this series.
Other shit
* Greg Maddux had a no-hitter through six innings in his first start as a Dojer … and then it started to rain. No no-no for you! He got pulled after the delay, but the Dojers did go on to beat the punkass Reds again. Sweet.
* I forgot to mention the best part of a colonoscopy. For the doctor to get a good look, they also have to pump you full of air. So when you go home you have to get all that air out, and the doctor requires you to fart as much as you can. It’s awesome. You can rip one bomb after another and then just shout “Doctor’s orders!”