By Craig Elliott
Goddamn fucking New York Mets. I hate the cocksucking Stem like nothing else. Fucking Jeri-curled, black-and-blue, no-trade-clause-giving, Gascan-loving, unfit-to-wear-orange Mets. Their piece-of-dogshit stadium and assmunch fans can kiss my ass too. Fucking Mets.
So anyway. The Astros couldn’t even pull off a series win against the dumbass Cubs, despite throwing Roy, Roger, and Andy at them. Then the Astros responded by sending down Wandy, the team leader in wins and herpes. Matt Albers was called up for bullpen duty, so keep your fingers crossed. Purpura is still out there trying to land either another reliever or Miguel Tejada, depending upon whatever Polly Prissy Pants says at Pinwheel’s teaparty.
Also, in case you don’t read the Eastern media, the Stem have already won the National League this year. Sorry to break it to you, but it’s already been decided so we don’t even need an NLCS. Just bow down to the altar of traitors, dipshits, and snivelers, and bring on the Yankees.
Goddamn fucking Mets.
When:
Friday, July 21, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, July 22, 12:20 p.m. CDT – Fox
Sunday, July 23, 12:10 p.m. CDT – KNWS
MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s game will be on Fox Southwest, and Sunday’s will be some on obnoxious fucking New York broadcast.
Where: Shea Stadium
Just in case you need to hate the goddamn Mets anymore, guess what they’re giving away Sunday to 25,000 fans? A 1986 replica yearbook. Fuck you right in the ear, Mets. With your goddamn yearbook.
Projected Matchups
Taylor Buchholz (6-7, 5.31) v. Orlando Hernandez (5-8, 5.52)
Buchholz started off well in his last start, but then gave up two homers and four earned-runs over five innings. He had won his three previous decisions before taking the loss against the Marlins. He’s never faced the dogshit Mets.
El Duque started the season in Arizona but was traded to New York in late May. He’s 3-4 in nine starts for the Stem, though in his last game, against the Cubs, he didn’t make it out of the second inning. Current Astros are 18-for-67 (.269) against Hernandez. Orlando Palmeiro is 5-for-11 (.455) and Berkman is 2-for-3 with two doubles. Aubrey Huff is only 3-for-16 but has a homer and a double off him. Eric Munson also has a homer.
Brandon Backe (1-0, 2.25) v. John Maine (0-3, 4.76)
Backe is finally coming off the DL, where he’s been since the second week of the season. He’s 1-1 in two starts against the Stem, with a 4.40 ERA. Current Stem are only 9-for-46 (.196) against Backe, with 7 walks and 11 strikeouts. Paul LoDuca is 2-for-6 with a homer off Backe, and Beltran is 3-for-7. Carlos Delgado is only 1-for-7 against him, but the one hit was a homer. Jose Reyes is 0-for-6 with two strikeouts.
Maine? Remember the Maine? Naw, me neither. Apparently he started nine games for the Orioles in the past two seasons, and he’s appeared in four this year for the cocksucking Mets. He’s started three games this year, and appeared in relief against the Cubs last weekend. Only one Astro has ever faced him before; Aubrey Huff is 1-for-2 with a homer and 3 RBI.
Roy Oswalt (6-7, 3.22) v. Mike Pelfrey (2-0, 3.27)
“Cry Me a Roy” Oswalt has lost his last four decisions and has only one win since May 2. But you knew that. He’s only 2-3 in seven starts against the Mets, with an ERA of 3.45. Cliff Floyd is the Stem to watch out for today, as he’s 6-for-16 against Roy, with two doubles and two homers. Those are the only homers that current Stem have against Oswalt.
Meanwhile, Eli Marrero is 5-for-15 against Roy, and Traitor Carlos is 4-for-7. Xavier Nady is 1-for-8 with four strikeouts, and Paul LoDuca is 2-for-10. Reyes is 2-for-7 and Wright is 2-for-8.
Pelfrey was called up a couple of weeks ago after the Stem experienced a disastrous performance of Lima Time!? Pelfrey is a 22-year-old righthander who’s won both starts since his call-up. Of course, the offense scored 25 runs in those two starts. He’s given up a total of 12 hits and 4 earned runs in 11 innings.
Key injuries:
Houston – Jeff Bagwell and Morgan Ensberg are sweeping up all the pom-pom and fireworks confetti that Brandon Backe left in the trainer’s office.
New York – Pedro Martinez was expected to be back for this series after a case of food poisoning, but now he won’t be. Apparently he still trusts his stuff, but it keeps leaking out his ass. Brian Bannister is also on the DL, and Victor Zambrano and Juan Padilla are out for the year.
Other shit
You may have heard that St. Louis had a bad-ass thunderstorm the other day that knocked out power to 500,000 homes and businesses, knocked down three buildings, busted out the press-box windows at New Jake City, destroyed concession stands, ripped the field tarp, injured 30 people at the ballpark, and sent five of them to the hospital. The governor of Missouri even had to call out the National Guard the next day, for fuck’s sake. But luckily for the BFiB, it wasn’t quite bad enough for a LaRainout. There was a delay, but, whew! they got the game in. And as you can see by the picture in The Link, the storm was a total pussy and there was no reason to call off the game. Especially with Chris Carpenter pitching.
Here’s a video shot by a fan … The Link