By Craig Elliott
Yeah, sweep those smelly-ass beer farts out of town! The Astros have won six in a row and are 2.5 games off the wildcard lead. They’re also 5.5 games behind the Jakes, with two series left against them.
Nearly all of September will be played against playoff contenders (or at least they’re mostly in contention right now). In addition to seven big games with the Co-Ards, the Astros also have six with the Phillies, three more with the Commies, and first up, a three-game series with the goddamn New York Mets. Fucking blue-and-black traitor-hiring pieces of shit. Goddamn I hate the Mets.
Anyway, the assmunch Mets have gone 11-2 since mid-August. They’ve pretty much wrapped up the East, and at this point are just running victory laps and throwing dollars to the whores. Especially a certain Puerto Rican Whore. The Stem also picked up Shawn Green from the Snakes last week.
When:
Friday, September 1, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 2, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 3, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Saturday will be a New York broadcast.
Where: MMPUS
Friday will feature the usual fireworks and also Tino Wallenda will perform above homeplate after the game. Unfortunately, Wallenda just signed Scott Boras as his agent, and thought the tightrope was defective. So he held out for a no-frayed clause.
Giveaways this weekend include gym bags on Saturday and Minute Maid Park replicas on Sunday. Grandparents can also walk the bases after the game Sunday, though after a series with the Mets, Gramps will want to watch where he steps. And don’t forget to enter Grandma in the Stop Thief! Competition, in which Brad Ausmus will try to throw out your grandmother at second base.
Projected Matchups
Tom Glavine (12-6, 3.92) v. Wandy Rodriguez (9-8, 5.46)
Glavine has missed two starts with blood clots in his pitching shoulder. He had an angiogram and is apparently good enough to miss the plate again. Glavine lost his last two decisions before the injury, and his record has pooled and coagulated at 1-4 since late June.
Glavine is 15-11 against the Astros with an ERA of 2.99. Craig Biggio is 23-for-95 against the Sniveler, with four doubles, a triple, and two homers. Also 14 walks and 11 strikeouts. Jason Lane and Adam Everett are both 3-for-9 against Glavine, but after that it’s pretty bleak. Ausmus is 2-for-40(!), Berkman is 1-for-16, Ensberg is 2-for-11, and Burke is 1-for-10.
Wandy has lost both of his starts since coming back from Round Rock. He’s 1-0 against the cheesedick Mets but hasn’t faced them this season. Current Stem are 5-for-20 against Wandy, with three walks and no strikeouts. Carlos Delgado is 2-for-2 against him, with a homer, and Shawn Green is 1-for-4 with a homer.
John Maine (4-3, 3.50) v. Jason Hirsh (2-2, 8.53)
Maine is 1-0 against the Astros, a complete-game shutout he pitched in July. He only gave up four hits and one walk. Aubrey Huff is 2-for-5 against him with a homer, and Berkman and Lamb are each 1-for-4. Everett is 1-for-3 with a double.
Hirsh went seven innings against the Pirates in his last start, getting his second major-league win. He’s never faced the Mets before, though one time he stepped in a pile of dogshit.
Steve Trachsel (14-5, 4.98) v. Roy Oswalt (10-8, 3.25)
Trachsel is 7-7 against the Astros in 18 appearances. Craig Biggio is 16-for-54 (.296) against him with three doubles, two triples, and four homers. Ausmus is 10-for-21 (.476) with a double and two homers, and Berkman is 3-for-10 with a homer. Jeff Bagwell had six homers off Trachsel. Several other Astros have hit him well, including Ensberg (5-for-9), Lamb (4-for-8), and Huff (3-for-6).
Roy is 3-3 against the Stem and 1-0 this year. Oswalt was on a four-game losing streak when he came up against the Stem in July, but he beat the fuckers and has gone 3-1 since. Cliff Floyd has been their best hitter against Roy, but Floyd is out for this series. Delgado is 3-for-5 with a homer against Oswalt, and Beltran is 4-for-9.
Key injuries:
New York – Cliff Floyd and Pedro Martinez are out. Orlando Hernandez should be able to play this series. Duaner Sanchez, Victor Zambrano, Juan Padilla, and Ramon Castro are out for the season.
Houston – Brandon Backe is going for the Full Tommy. Good luck and see you in 2008. Fernando Nieve is out until sometime in September.