By Gizzmonic
Reds (73-83) at Astros (82-73)
Minute Maid Park at Union Station • Houston, TX
Greetings, Earth people. It is I, Gizzmonic, late September callup from the depths of space! What’s that you say? The Reds are coming off a narrow victory in a makeup game against Florida? And they trashed the Brew Crew before that? But how did they get there? Let’s start with a little history…
A long time ago, in the days of the Roman Republic, there was a noble Roman named Lucius Quinticius Cincinnatus. After a distinguished career as a stateman, he retired to the countryside and became a farmer. Yet every time Rome faced a threat, the Senate voted him dictator of Rome. He reluctantly took the reins of power and stopped Rome’s enemies each time. With his overwhelming popularity and military might, he could have installed himself as emperor. But Cincinnatus only wanted to return his simple life as a farmer. Humble during his own lifetime, he is now enshrined as a model of civic virtue. Historical records are unclear as to whether he enjoyed chili tarted up with chocolate and cinnamon and dumped onto spaghetti.
A shorter time ago, the futile, flailing franchise calling themselves the Cincinnati Reds unceremoniously dumped their two biggest stars, Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr., then took out a full page ad in the Cincinnati paper apologizing for their superhypermegasuckage. We all know how well those full page ad apologies work out, don’t we? However, since trading Dunn on August 12, these young Reds are a respectable 20-16 and no longer share the NL Central cellar with the bilge-ridden Pirates.
Tuesday, September 23rd
7:05 PM
FSN-HD
Wednesday, September 24th
7:05 PM
FSN-HD
Thursday, September 25th
7:05 PM
FSN-HD
Projected Matchups
Tuesday
Edinson Volquez, RHP (16-6, 3.29) v. Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (6-8, 4.77)
This is a rematch from July 30th, a game that the Reds took 9-5. Of course, the dearly departed Dunn and Griffey Jr. accounted for 5 of those Cincinnati runs with 3 taters, all off Wandy.
Volquez looks like he’s quickly growing into the true ace the Reds have thirsted for all these years. However, he might be breaking down a bit as the season wears on – he’s got a 4.35 ERA in his last 10 starts. He went 7 innings against the Cards in his last start, giving up 4 runs, walking 6 and striking out 5. Against the Good Guys, he’s 1-0 with a 1.42 ERA in 6.1 overall innings pitched.
Tejada has the most at-bats against Volquez, and he’s 0-7 with a walk in 8 PA. Nobody else has more than 4 at-bats against him. Wigginton is lookin’ good with 1 AB, 1 HR, and 3 RBI. Pence has a double and a dinger in 3 AB, Maybelline* hits .500 with a double in 2 AB.
Wandy’s been on and off the DL with his oblique problem. Last time he pitched was Sept. 7 against the Rockies. He left that game after 1 inning. He last faced the Reds on Aug 26, striking out 10 and yielding but 1 run over 7. He’s 1-2 lifetime vs. the Reds with a 4.75 ERA. Corey Patterson is a surprising 3-10 with a dinger off Wandy, and Edwin Encarnacion hits .250 with a pair of homers. Jay Bruce is a regrettable 1-9 (.111).
Wednesday
Ramon Ramirez, RHP (1-0, 2.45) v. Randy Wolf, LHP (11-12, 4.46)
Ramirez is a Venezuelan who has pitched a grand total of 22 innings in the Majors. The numbers look good so far, and he picked up his first career victory against the Brew Crew in his last outing, going 6 while giving up 2. Lefties hit .296 against him, vs. a craptastic .102 for righties.
Last time Wolf faced the Reds, he went 6 shutout innings against them. Corey Patterson hits him to the tune of .500 (3-6). Brandon Philips is the only Red with a HR off him, but he’s currently on the DL. No one else has faced him much, nor have they done much damage. Wolf is has a nice 5-2 record and decent 3.77 ERA in his last ten starts.
Thursday
Johnny Cueto, RHP (9-13, 4.62) vs Roy Oswalt, RHP (16-10, 3.60)
Oswalt is coming back on short rest to give the team a chance, should the unlikely happen. I won’t mention Roy’s career record vs. Cincinnati, I think you know what it is, anyway. Backup catcher Paul Bako is .350 (7-20) against Sparky, and Joey Votta is a red-hot .375 (3-8). Keppinger, Bruce, and AGAIN(?!) Corey Patterson all hit an even .300 off Roy-O. Patterson has a pair of dingers, but no one else on the Reds active roster has gone deep off him. Valentin is .133 (2-15) and Encarnation .125 (2-16). Those guys might be getting a break.
Cueto missed some time in August with a strained right elbow, but he’s back and sporting a 4.40 ERA in 3 starts since getting off the DL. Last time out he went 6 against the Brewers, giving up 2 ER and seizing a victory. No one on the Astros has many AB against him, but Lance has rocked him to .571 (4-7) with a pair of doubles and a homer, and Blum is at .400 (2-5) with a HR. Pence!! flails at Cueto at the rate of .200 with a double, and Tejada is pretty lousy (.222, no XBH) as well.
Injury Report
Cincinnati – Brandon Phillips has a broken right index finger, he’s out for the year. No more bowling for that man. Matt Belisle and Josh Fogg are recovering from knee surgery and a strained groin, respectively. Let’s hope these injuries didn’t happen at the same time.
Houston – Felipe Paulino is out for the season with bursitis. Carlos Lee won’t be back either, because Bronson Arroyo broke his pinky.
Promotions:
- Tuesday’s child gets the typical Double Play Tuesday…oh, and Dollar Hot Dogs! Unfortunately, all hot dogs in the Houston area were destroyed by the hurricane, so Uncle Drayton imported some dried-up kielbasas that our friends in Milwaukee were throwing out. You’ll eat them, and you’ll like it!
- Hump Day features “Continental Latin Night.” Lucky fans will be sent back in time to watch a gladiator fight in ancient Rome, circa 95 AD. Bud Selig will be playing the role of Caesar. Fans receiving the “thumbs-down” from the Commissioner will be torn apart by authentic Roman lions! Great Caesar is merciful, however. Fans who perish will have their names carved into the marble walls at the Coliseum, ensuring their place in history! Families of those who perished will receive an official apology from Commissioner Caesar. The first 10,000 fans will also receive Luggage Tags, but trust me, they don’t help much when you’re traveling through time. Have you gotten through the airport in ancient Rome without losing your luggage? I rest my case! Also, inexplicably, it’s Double Play Tuesday on Wednesday as well. Must be some sort of residual time-paradox thing.
- Thursday night, the first 10,000 fans will receive Astros-themed playing cards. Annnnnddddd…it’s Double Play Tuesday again, for the third time in a row. After the game, fans run the bases with Punxsutawney Phil.
Things You Think About When You’ve Been in Space Too Long
* I read that Lance Berkman started playing guitar early this season. Wonder if he plays left or right handed?
* If the Astros do make the playoffs, will Carlos Lee’s pinky be sufficiently recovered for him to hit?
* Speaking of Carlos Lee, FUCK Bronson Arroyo and his flippy hair, and his shitty Creed soundalike band. An autographed Space Ranger Headband to the first one to give that bro the Stinkpalm.
Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.