By Musicman
Astros (54-67) at Padres (65-55)
PETCO Park
Friday, August 17, 9:05 PM, FSN
Saturday, August 18, 9:05 PM, KNWS (“the blowtorch”)
Sunday, August 19, 3:05 PM, FSN
First things first: Yes, this is a rushed, pinch-hit job, and yes, I will work in as many “Anchorman” references as the law will allow.
San Diego. It does not translate as “Saint Diego”. It is from the German “Sahn Diagho”, meaning “Michael Barrett’s Vagina”.
Ever since the great trade of ’94, it’s been hard to work up too much hatred for the Padres. With so many players switching sides, there became some sort of odd bond between the two franchises. The Plumber (whose name should be banned just as equally as a certain shortstop from the Deep South) did his best to break these bonds, but to this day, the Padres keep a soft spot in my heart. Mister Peepers becomes the latest in a long line of such transplants, and I wish him well.
Probable pitching matchups:
http://houston.astros.mlb…ble_pitchers.jsp?c_id=hou
Friday
Woody Williams (6-12, 5.09) vs. Jake Peavy (13-5, 2.23)
Woody was 4-2 with a 2.93 ERA at PETCO last year. Unfortunately, he’s not pitching for the Padres any more – current friars are batting .306/.396/.563 against him. For those of you who are less statistically inclined, this is akin to facing a lineup of 8 Vladamir Guerreros.
On the other side, Peavy has absolutely dominated the Good Guys. Dominated like .202/.273/.275 over 178 AB. Dominated, as in Carlos is the only Astro with an OPS over .667 against the man.
Prediction: Astros forget how to say “Fluggagnkdechkebolsen”. Padres say “Whammy!”
Saturday
Roy Oswalt (13-6, 3.32) vs. Justin Germano (6-6, 4.16)
Oswalt has said that his mechanics have improved since his chest strain in Pittsburgh – this just might be true, as he hasn’t lost since then. (If you ask me, he’s moved away from “pitching to contact” and towards “strike this motherfucker out!”) And facing the Padres agrees with him – current San Diego-ins? San Diego-uns? (“San Diegans”) are hitting .237/.297/.342 against him, with the major damage, surprisingly, coming from Sandy Vagina Barrett himself, who has gone 12 for 32 with 2 doubles and a homer. Fortunately (or unfortunately, if you were hoping for another season-igniting beanball war), Barrett is on the DL. That sucks – I was hoping that Wigginton would punch Barrett right in the ovaries.
Only Jennings and OBTYN have ever faced Germano, each going 1-2. Germano started off an impressive 5-0 with a 2.36, but has dropped 6 of his last seven decisions, with July showing a brutal 1-5, 7.24 line.
Prediction: Saturday, we spell redemption R-O-Y.
Sunday
Matt Albers (3-5, 5.99) vs. Greg Maddux (8-9, 4.00)
Let’s hope we keep hearing “Ground ball to Burke. Ground ball to Burke.” Let’s also hope that Burke is not doing anymore modern dance moves trying to field those grounders. Albers has faced the Padres for a total of 20 AB, giving up a 6 for 20 line with 2 walks and 5 strikeouts.
Greg Maddux – you might have heard of him. He’s trapped in a glass case of emotion. He’s also held current Astros to a .282/.321/.401 line. At least Berkman has managed .313/.353/.531 against him. But just to give you an idea… Biggio has 6 doubles in 130 AB against the man. Greg Maddux, deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure straight hate you. But damn it, do I respect you.
Prediction: The defense lets Fat Albers down in this one.
Giveaways: The game’s in San Diego. Who gives a shit?
Injuries
San Diego: (http://sandiego.padres.ml…team/injuries.jsp?c_id=sd)
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater reports that Michael Barrett is showing signs of a vinegar-like substance in his bloodstream. Scott Hairston has a strained oblique.
Houston: (http://houston.astros.mlb…eam/injuries.jsp?c_id=hou)
Stephen Randolph is on the DL with a healthy dislike for the losers who call themselves Dodger fans. Sampson is on the DL as a result of a bad haircut. PENCE!!! is plotting his assault on the NL, just as soon as he can catch a flight to a spot where they play minor league ball without an ark. Everett is hitting off a tee, but I’d much rather hear about his fielding drills. Backe is still on track to be activated September 1. Gimenez is still on the 60-day DL and was last seen with a JR Towles voodoo doll. Jennings and Berkman are not listed as injured, but who’s fooling whom here?
Series prediction: San Diego wins two out of three.
Go fuck yourselves, San Diego. Thanks for stopping by.