By ‘strosrays
The Most Fucked-Up Fucking Series Preview in the Fucking History of Western Fucking Civilization
Astros (66-86) at Retardinals (71-80)
Fuckin’ Busch Stadium (III)
700 fuckin’ Clark Avenue
St. Louis, fuckin’ MO 63102
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▪Thursday, September 20 (7:10 p.m. CDT) – FSN (Fucking bullshit Sports Network)
▪Friday, September 21 (7:10 p.m. CDT) – FSN
▪Saturday, September 22 (6:15 p.m. CDT) – KNWS
▪Sunday, September 23 (7:05 p.m. CDT) – ESPN (Especially Suck-ass fucking Penile Network)
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“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck” – Noe
There apparently isn’t going to be an official, sanctioned Series Preview posted for this series. That isn’t really any big deal, it has happened before. Sometimes life and the resulting responsibilities (or the utter lack of any creative ideas, which is even scarier) intrude into the Preview writing process, and you, gentle readers, will just have to fucking excuse us for it. We got lives, too, motherfuckers! Well, at least some of us.
Anyway, I believe this particular Preview was assigned to Foghorn. I’m not really surprised at his no-show, he has been kind of scarce around here lately. That is nothing against Foggy at all who, aside from being one of my favorite people on the planet and a constant inspirational beacon of utter vulgarity, is also involved in work much more important than my own, I believe. If a Series Preview isn’t written because Foghorn is helping save someone’s fucking life or sumpin’, who the fuck am I to complain? Plus, there are some rumors out there (admittedly started by me, mostly) that Foghorn has recently been engaged in serious medical research with a 17-year-old female Swedish exchange student he is hosting in his home this semester. Now, I ask you. . . Series Preview? Or Swedish exchange student? I’ll let you decide.
I read somewhere recently that the movie The Usual Suspects contained 98 instances of the word “fuck” or one of it’s forms or derivatives in it. I always liked that movie, now I know why. Anyway, 98 fucks is impressive, and may even be a record, unless there is some Joe Pesci-Harvey Keitel movie out there somewhere I’ve forgot. So impressive that I am using those 98 fucks as a goal and the perpetually profane Foghorn as an inspiration here. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Special Encore BONUS Series Preview, Astros at Co-ardinals, the uncut Fuck-all Version. Read it and fucking weep.
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“The more money I earn, the less they can stop me. Where I come from it’s called fuck you money because I don’t have to take an ounce of shit from anybody.” — Noe
Projected FuckMatchups from Astros.com
Thursday
Wandy Fucking Rodriguez (4-4, 4.65) v. Fucking Braden Looper (0-1, 3.00)
Friday
Brandon Backe, fucking aye (1-1, 4.86) v. Joel Fucking Piniero (6-4, 4.71)
Saturday
Matt “Goddamn, How Fucking Far Did That One Go?” Albers (4-9, 6.05) v. To be fucking announced, by Tony the Fucking Tank Commander
Sunday
Roy Fuckin’ Oswalt (14-7, 3.29) v. Todd Wellmeyer, fucking Cub reject (3-3, 4.15)
By the way, in order to create more interest in the “Probable Matchups” section, in addition to offering biting, informative, up-to-date commentary regarding who will be pitching for whom in this series (or not, fuck it), this week the section also doubles as a sort of Word Search®. Believe it or not, a whole bunch of “fucks” have been cleverly imbedded into the text. First person to find and count up how many times fuck or a variation of fuck was used wins a box of fucking Zwolle mayhaw wine, complimentary pump action 12-gauge box opener included. Fredia not eligible (in fact, I kinda hope she – and any other respectable female – isn’t reading this at all.)
“I’ve been too fucking busy. And vice versa.” — Noe
Etcetera
On Sunday, the Co-ardinals give the first 25,000 BfiBs through the gates their very own Tony fuckin’ LaRussa bobblehead doll. Although, judging by some of what I have seen lately at Retardinal fan sites, they might just use the fucking thing for some voodoo action, instead.
“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” – Noe – er, someone Noe knows. Knew. Once.
Injury Report
Houston – Well, Brandon Backe is back, as well as Adam Everett. So now I am wondering if Humberto Quintero isn’t some kind of fucking slacker.
St. Louis – Seriously, it would be easier to list who isn’t currently on the Cardinals fucking DL..
“Fucking ignore the system, use it when it suits you.” — Noe
Our ‘Interesting Things To Look For This Fucking Series’
(a/k/a “Right, Right, You’re Fucking Bloody Well Right”)
- Fuck You, and the Fucking Horse You Fucking Rode In On. Fucking El Caballo hits the ball a long ways, yes. At times. Runs when he fucking well feels like it. He is roughly the size of three fucking Ed Wades, stacked end on fucking end.
- You’re Breakin’ My Heart, Tearin’ It Apart, So Fuck You. Okay. Lance Berkman is a very good player – no fucking shit – but I don’t believe he will every be a fucking truly great player, though I am fucking certain he has the fucking skills to be. But he’s got a bad fucking head. That’s what is going to fuck him out of the HOF, in the fucking end.
- Fuckin’ Fuckity-Fuck. Fuck Drayton McLane. Fuck his fucking fucked-up fucking values. Fuck every piece of fucking shit merchandise he ever fucking sold out of the fucking hell-hole stores he opens in every fucking small town and kills off the fucking local businesses while drawing the fucking trailer park crowd into town in fucking droves. Fuck his fucking shoes. Fuck his fucking suits. Fuck his fucking fucked-up haircut. Fuck his fucking intrusions into the fucking radio booth to fucking gab with fucking Milo. Oh, and by the way, fuck whoever sent the e-mail that killed the presentation of Milo’s fucking guest list. Fuck the guy who invented cigarettes, and fucking chastity. Fuck every fucking “cable sports network” that ever fucking existed, or will exist in the fucking future. Fuck Joe Buck. Fuck Tim McCarver. Double-fuck Steve “Psycho” Lyons. Fuck Scooter, too. Fuck ‘em all.
- “BTW, fuck Jackson Pollock” – Noe. And fuck Hieronymus Bosch. Double-fuck Salvador Dali. And especially fuck that fucking Andy Warhol (NTTAFWWT). “Art”, my fucking ass. Fuck every limp-wristed, light-in-the-loafers fuck anywhere who ever swooned about any fucking painting ever fucking painted. I’m fucking putting ‘em all on notice. Real “art” is how you hit the fucking ball, round the fucking base, play the fucking game. Real art is getting the old lady into the mood, and then fucking delivering the goods. It’s leading a fucking gadwall perfectly going away from 70 yards, and then bringing it fucking down, first fucking shot. It is drinking 42 beers in the space of 24 hours and never unintentionally falling down even fucking once. Real art happens on the ballfield, in the bedroom, in the barrooms, out on the marsh. Not in some fucking Soho gallery, you goddamn stupid motherfucking effete fucking fucks.
Oh, I wish I were as mellow
As for instance Jackson Browne
But Fountain of Sorrow my ass, motherfucker
I hope you wind up in the ground. — Noe
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The fucking motherfucking Co-Ards win the series, 3-1. ”I fucking drink, therefore I fucking am.”
You may discuss today’s fucking game in fucking real time in the fucking GameZone.