The Astros went 4-3 on a mediocre homestand, though it included some exciting wins against the Phillies and a series win against the dumbshit Cubs. Now it’s back onto the road, believe it or not, for another long-ass trip to three cities. It’s all NL Central for the next two weeks, with visits to St. Louis, Milwaukee, and Pittsburgh, and then back home for another series with the Jakes and then the Brewers again. Whew.

(Wait! Pittsburgh? Holy shit, I thought you guys had moved to Canada or something! Is it true, I heard the Wilson Sisters may be getting back together! Tell Dirty Sanchez we said hi!)

Anyway, the shitbag Co-Ards. They’re a half-game behind the BOOK IT! Cubs, and one game ahead of the Astros. They’re just getting back to New Jake City after a West Coast trip where they won two out of three against both the Dojers and Fathers. They were late getting home because they let Albert Pujols fly the plane; he insisted on hotdogging through the Gateway Arch and crashed into one of the legs.
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Sorry everyone, didn’t mean to JackAstro* my preview.

Minute Maid Park

Aphter the Good Guys toook 2 out oph the 3 phrom the goddamn Cubs, the new look Phillies come to town. This series is a reunion oph sorts, bringing phormer 9th inning mainstay Brad Lidge and super utility man Eric Bruntlett back to Minute Maid phor the phirst time.

Thursday, May 22nd, 7:05 – PHSN (HD)

Phriday, May 23rd, 7:05 – PHSN (HD)

Saturday May 24th, 6:05 – PHSN (HD)

Sunday May 25th 1:05 – my-20 “HD”

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LORD, HERE COME THE CUBS

Puppies of N. Chicago (27-17) at Astros (25-20)

Minute Maid Park
501 Crawford St.
Houston, TX 77002

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The Shit-head Cubbies – the favorite team of such luminaries as Warren Buffet, Bill Murray, Jim Belushi, Pat Sajak (I must say), and John Cusack, as well as George Will, Hillary Clinton, Dick Cheney, and many, many other similar nitwits, drunks, deluded freaks, and just plain losers – are off to a pretty good start this season. The Suck-ass Cubs have been in first place in the NL Central pretty much from the get-go, and currently sport a nifty 27-17 record. That might be a little bit deceptive, though; due to freak scheduling and/or Katy Feeney, the Cubs have already played the perennial-loser Pirates nine times this season, and are a less gaudy 19-16 in games when they don’t. On the other hand, the Fuck-wad Cubs are 5-0 against Arizona and the steM, much better teams. What sort of team are they this year, really? Something between piss-poor and kick-ass, I guess.Read More

Astros (24-18) at Rangers (20-22)

Rangers Ballpark in Arlington

• Friday May 16, 7:05 p.m. FSNHD
• Saturday May 17, 6:05 p.m. FSNHD
• Sunday May 18, 2:05 p.m. My20 beers before breakfast make it too blurry to see

Now there are lots of things I could use.  A new stove, a $10,000 prepaid gas card, a massage by Johnny Depp in easily removable pirate attire just to name a few.  However, when every November comes around I always think, “I could use some baseball.”  Last year, that thought came earlier.  Like May 30.  I was reminded of this when I perused the Rangers’ website and there it was staring me in the face–You Could Use Some Baseball. Read More

AT&T Park

Monday, May 12, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN-HD

Tuesday, May 13, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

Wednesday, May 14, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

Thursday, May 15, 2:45 p.m. CDT – FSN-HD

Coming out of a 3 game sweep of the Dodgers, and the Astros head into another four game west coast set, this time with the Giants.  I wish they could swap the foursomes with threesomes.  I find myself completely ambiguous about the Giants this season.  With Barry and his drag show gone I don’t see much to get me fired up.  Oh, they’ve got some young arms worth watching who can really pump it in there and a couple of guys who are good with the wood, but none of them spark any real passion in me.  Here’s the part where you’d usually see a bunch of gay jokes and sly innuendo but those are so overdone and will no doubt be used anyway in the TZ and GZ so I won’t talk about looking out for the backdoor slider or Kaz’s fissure.  The best thing about the Giants to me is Scott’s clincher.

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The Astros have won the last two series and five of the last six games. Now it’s back on the road for a long-ass trip with stops in L.A., San Francisco (four games), and Arlington. I think this is the longest road trip of the year, with the added bonus of five late West Coast games. And amazingly, this is the Astros’ last trip to the West Coast this year. I don’t know if I like that or not; I’ve always enjoyed staying up late on a humid night in July or August and falling asleep to the Astros game from out west.

For the Astros, Lance Berkman is second in the league in homers (11), batting average (.368) and RBI (33). He’s also first in runs (36), first in slugging percentage (.752), first in doubles (13), 11^th in steals, first in pledged delegates, and has a commanding lead in caucus states. Michael Bourn is leading the league in steals (15).

Houston is also a game and a half behind the Cubs in the NL Central, and 3.5 behind the Shitbirds. The Pirates are surprisingly not in the cellar, which is currently occupied by Dusty Baker and the Reds.

The Dodgers are the only team in the NL West that can even see the D-bags. At 19-15 the Dodgers are still 3.5 games behind Arizona. The Dodgers have won their last four series, though they got blown out 12-1 by the fucking Mets in their last game. Rafael Furcal is leading the team in homers (five) and is third in the league in batting average (.366), and second in runs (34) and hits (49).

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