Due to craziness at work, this Series Preview will be abbreviated for the time being….

The defending World Series champs make their first trip to Minute Maid this year, with a bit of a different look than last season when they doubled up on the Astros with a record of 10 wins and 5 losses. First of all, they no longer have a hole of poo……Mr. Lidgelighter has made the move to the AL and went from being second place to the Almighty down to a mere plebian. In fact, Mr. Pooh of the Hole is currently without a HR and has only 5 RBI……one month into the 2012 season. Let’s revel in this just a minute or two: Pujols’ .202 BA would rank him 14th on the Astros, just above Bud Norris. His OBP of .245 would secure the 13th spot in the Astros order, while his 5 RBI places him at 11th, just behind Downs. I don’t know about the rest of you, but there is just a little bit of glee that that infamous smirk has been bitch-slapped off his face. But I digress…..on to tonight’s game.

Friday, May 4, 7:05 p.m.
Lohse vs Harrell

Lohse had two strong outings against the Astros last year, allowing only 1 run on 10 hits in two starts (15 innings). Lee has faced him 77 times, with relative success, 5 HR and a .300 BA. No other Astro has more than 20 AB against Lohse. He became the NL’s second four game winner of the season in his last start, despite giving up a season high 3 runs in 6 innings, and raising his ERA to a whopping 1.62 for the young season. (sarc-meter working, Mr. Happy?)

Harrell is a relative unknown to the Cards lineup. He faced them in a relief outing last year, throwing a three up, three down inning. His last outing was nothing to write home about, allowing six runs (five earned), one walk and nine hits in six innings while striking out only one on Saturday.

Injuries

Schafer (back) is probable for this series, while Escalona, Cruz and Weiland continue to occupy the DL, along with Berkman, Carpenter and Linebrink. Beltran is doubtful for tonight.

Sorry guys and gals, I did not read the schedule clearly enough to notice I was slated to preview this series until late yesterday afternoon with budget hearings staring me in the face.  Needless to say, I have the distinct dishonor of being the first this season to screw up a series preview.  Boo on me.

As the last season in the NL commences, I am just PO’d at the thought that all the years and emotions I have invested in dislike, disdain, even utter contempt of several NL teams will be pissed away with the switch to the League That Must Not Be Named.  I like disliking the Braves.  I revel in replaying the anger over in my mind of years of playoff disapppointments at the likes of Maddoxand Glavine, not to mention fucking WW.  Or damn Javy Lopez setting up so far outside the box that Rosanne Barr could have sat her fat ass between his glove and the plate. That is what fandom is made of, not just the highs of victories, but the agonies of defeat–like celebrating your wedding anniversary and then get handed divorce papers.

Some have tried to tell me that I will have the same feelings in a few years about American League teams, but I disagree.  With the state of the team as is, it will be many years (in my opinion) before the team will be constantly competitive for playoff spots, and those rivalries will fester and come to a head…..and I will have true and utter disdain for the Angels, A’s, and Mariners.  (No worries about the Rangers, Yanks and BeanEaters, though, they got it covered already).

Monday, April 9, 7:05 p.m.  Beachy vs Happ

Yeah, this game is over, in the books, finis.  Astros won.  Root. Root. Root.

Tuesday, April 10,  7:05 p.m. Hanson vs Weiland

 Weiland and his mates will don the 1962 Gun-Toting, Rabble-Rousin’ unis against the Braves, can someone say, Cowboys and Indians??  Hanson is 3-0 vs the Astros with a sub 1.00 ERA.  Of course, he has not faced most of this pimply faced lineup.  Downs (.400) and Lee (.385) are the only ones with a decent BA in a handful of ABs against him.  Weiland…well, he is an Atlanta virgin, ripe for cherry pickin’ on this game.  Bourn returns to his hometown for the first time this season, and may be joined by Chipper who is expected to come off the DL for this game.

Wednesday, April 11, 7:05 p.m. Delgado vs  Rodriguez

Delgado has never faced the Astros.  That should be enough said about this game.  Wandy though has held current Braves to a .284 average, thanks to a 1-11 (.091) by McCann and a 3 for 20 (.150) by Uggla.  Rodriguez did not allow an earned run in 6 1/3 innings on Opening Day vs. Rockies.  He will have to repeat this feat if the Astro bats revert to their usual showing against a newbie.

Early Season M*A*S*H report:

Ploys to get AIS

Monday:

Who cares?  Some dumbbutt didn’t get the preview in on time.

Tuesday:

This is just the first go-round of 50th Anniversary hoorahs for the team, so I thought I’d start out the season with a review of some of the former songs associated with the team.  So sit back, turn up the volume and sing along…..or not….

For our Spanish speaking readers:

Only three days left till the beginning of the 2011 Void.  Another baseball season has come and gone; Limey’s Scarlett told Ryan she just doesn’t give a damn, Thunderpants is now perfecting his g00gly-eyed face melting roaming of right field as a pHucking pHillie, and Sweet Baby Bourn is tomahawk chopping his way to a possible playoff berth.  Despite all of this, we still have baseball.  Astros baseball.  National League, no friggin DH baseball. Baseball is our one constant through all the years. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it’s a part of our past and a part of our future.  But enough plagarism, lets get on to the Turdinal bashing….

Screw Larussa.
Screw Pooholes.
Screw Berkman.**

Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all. Go Astros.***

OK, more plagarism.  But how can you say it better?

Wandy gets the start versus Garcia who is 0-3 with a 5.91 ERA against the Astros.  Now Garcia has something to prove, hasn’t lost since late August, and Wandy, well, as 11-11 shows you, has just been fair to middlin’ most of the season, despite success against the Cards this year.  I hate to say it, but this just feels like a loss.

Westbrook faces Sosa in the penultimate game of the season.  For you Fredia types out there, that big word means next to last. The self-named Jake is 1-1 in his last two starts, and has had a pretty decent season, but I am the Walrus has his number, sporting a hefty man-sized thunderthighs .800 average against him.  Sosa has never had the pleasure of sticking it to the redbirds; I am hoping he stomps the ever-livin shit outta them until they are lying on the concrete suffering from extreme rigor(haven’t I seen that somewhere before??).

Carpenter faces Myers for the season finale.  Personally, I would rather see the two in a barbed wire cage death match.  I would definitely put my Benjamins on Myers.  As far as a baseball game goes, I hate to say it, but I think Carpenter leaves it all on the mound and pulls out the win.

Injuries

Co-ards–Lynn and Wainwright.  LaRussa ripped them a new one and sent them out for the season a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…..

Astros–Get with the  program.  If you don’t know Arias, Escalona, Michaels, Norris, Castro and Lyon are done this year, then screw you, where have you been?

Stuff.  Or not.

Fan appreciation day was yesterday, so you have to settle for nothing on Star Wars Night (WTF??–they should at least give out golden metal bikinis to the hot chicks and make them wear them to the game.  That might put a few AIS).  Or the next day. But you get a team poster if you show up on Wednesday. 

Random stuff

I want to express my appreciation to the new guys on the block who did such a great job this year.  Ebby and OSF, you saved my ass on more than one occassion.  RB, your recaps exposed us to a side we didn’t know you had, dadgumit, you can write!  And how do those regulars keep putting out previews and recaps  that make us laugh, cry, love, hate, and ponder from series to series and game to game? And to every poster–  this multifarious group  from 94CougarGrad to ybbodeus–kept us sane during an insane season.  Thanks to each and every one of you.  We will see you again tomorrow.  Same bat time, same bat channel………

And just in case you need an extra dose of Turdinal hate….

Screw Larussa.

Screw Pooholes.

Screw Berkman.

Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all. Go Astros.

**J. C. III’s Best Post Ever.

***Don’t get on Mr. Happy’s bad side.

Apologies for the Blatant Field of Dreams regurgitation.

The schedule maker really had it in for Astros fans this July, straight from a stadium crammed with barnyard animals to one overflowing with arrogant SOB’s, led by the the Grand Poobah of BFiBs himself: LaRussa, aka the Best Fudgepacker in Baseball.  And of course, you can’t forget the Biggest Fink in Baseball, who leads the NL in homeruns after a “miraculous comeback of epic proportions”.  Soon, Co-ard fans everywhere will be picketing Disney to make the Fink the topic of their next over-the-hill-down-and-out-ballplayer-makes-it-back-from-the depths-of-mediocrity movie.  What else would you expect from the Bestest Fartsmellers in Baseball? 

The Cards share the division lead with the Brewers and the Pirates going into this series.  Yes, the Pirates.  The midsummer classic is long gone, and the Buckos are still hanging in there.  I hope they make the Buffoonest Fans in Baseball cry in their Bottles Filled in Busch (artistic license here) come this October as they head for the playoffs….but enough about the Pirates….. 

Monday, July 25, 7:15 p.m. Central          Happ vs McClellan 

McClellan hasn’t won a game since way back in May, against the ‘Stros, and I for one would like to keep it that way.  

Ol' Googly Eyes Strikes Again!

Ol’ Googly Eyes has him in his sights to make up for the epic fail in extras yesterday–FOTF is 8-16 against McClellan with only one K.  If that little factoid don’t make you blink, I don’t know what will. Q is 3-6 and Barmes is 2-5 against Kyle, but everyone else just sorta shits and misses against him.  Happ has been nothing but consistent lately….consistenly giving up 5 earned runs in his past four starts.  Six Cards bat .333 or greater vs Happ, and none of them are named after Uranus.  

Tuesday, July 26, 7:15 Central        Myers vs Westbrook    

The circle is now complete.  Myers has successfully recreated the transformation from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in one offseason.  The Fink has only 4 hits against him, but 2 were of the longball variety.  Doc Holliday, the Shoemaker and the Hole of Poo all hit in the mid .300s,  with a total of 7 HRs against him.  Westbrook was doomed to be a Jake from birth, thanks to his momma.  A couple of the hometown nine put up some gaudy numbers against him: Lee is 15 for 36 (.417), Pence is 5 for 8 (.625) and Wally is 5 for 7 (714).  Bet Mills gives them all the night off….. 

We take this time for a commercial break for our sponsor……….If you have a newborn, are pregnant or ever plan to conceive a little Astros fan, have we got the onesie for you……..

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And now, back to our regularly scheduled preview…… 

Wednesday, July 27, 7:15 p.m. Central          Norris vs Carpenter 

Y’know, if my mom named me David Stefan, I’d go by Bud, too…or Bubba…or maybe even  Bonzo.  Whatever you call him, Norris has had particular success against the Redbirds, posting a 6-2 record with a 2.45 ERA and 47 Ks in 58.2 innings pitched.  He draws Carpenter Ants who seems to only allow hits to Astros that go by letters of the alphabet (CJ and Q).  Somebody grab a can of Raid… 

Thursday, July 28, 7:15 p.m.  Central          Rodriguez vs Garcia 

 A dead Cardinal in the hand is worth four games in the Busch?  This one could be a game of hide and not be found.  Garcia has never won against the Astros, having an 0-2 record with a sporting 5.87 ERA.  Wandy, well, he sucks too (5-11, 4.02 ERA).  But someone has to win and if it gets to the bullpen, we have a pretty good idea how that will flush out.  

Injuries, Sminjuries 

Abad, Arias, Lyon, Castro.  ‘Nuff said. 

Wainwright hurt his elbow perfecting the doggie style with LaRussa and is out for the year.  Craig (knee), Tallet (intercostal waterway and kidney beans) and Sanchez (shoulder) fell for LaRussa’s Twister Game of Douchebaggery and aren’t expected back for this series. 

Promotions and Giveaways 

None 

Nada 

Nunca 

Nil 

So, I decided to make up for their shortcomings and give you the BFiB….Best Fakes in Baseball that is….

Just for shits and giggles…..

What does BFiB mean to you?

GAWD, I am so fuckin pumped. RED SAWKS! I got my tickets and I AM FUCKIN THERE. Gawd. Sawks. This is the best man, I love the fuckin SAWKS. That fuckin Reddick man, he’s fuckin great, and that fuckin Pedroia man, he’s fuckin great, and Ortiz, man, fuckin who’s your daddy? Fuckin who’s your daddy? Sawks!!!! Gawd!!! Fuckin great!!!  (kudos to NeilT)

Another home game that will be more like a roadie for the ‘Stros, there will surely be louder cheers for the visitors, and more Red Sox paraphernalia branded across bald heads and beer bellies than pairs of stilletos at a stripper convention.  And those Sawks fans have their own special brand of suckitude now that they have no Bambino curse to ruminate and then regurgitate with great pleasure.  A piece of their being has been lost, what makes them special now?  Ben Affleck?  Big PortaPapi? Memories of ketchup stained socks?

Friday, July 1,  Norris vs Wakefield  7:00 p.m.

Wakefield is coming off a 6 inning, 7 hit, 5 earnies appearance against the Piroots, and may represent the only friggin chance the hometown 9 have to win one versus the skipper’s former team.  Only two Astros have faced Wakefield, Carlos is 9 for 24 with 2 HR, while Jason Michaels is 1-3 with 2 walks.  Norris has been tagged with a 1-2 record in his last four starts, despite giving up only 5 earned runs over those games.  Norris has held Adrian Gonzalez to a .000 BA, but has not faced any other Sawks in his career.

M*A*S*H* Report

Attempts to get Astros Fans AIS

Friday, July 1  RALLY TOWELS- not to be confused with the Rally Towlie

Saturday, July 2  Patriotic Fireworks–not to be confused with the regular Friday night fireworks the night before, all of these fireworks have been wrapped in genuine imitation copies of the Declaration of Independence.

Sunday, July 3 Brett Myers Bobblehead–When you shake the head you can hear Myers yell, “C’mon Thunderpants, hit the fuckin’ cutoff man!”

Well shit….

Why does life always throw me a curve on Series Preview days?  Obviously, I am not finished with this preview, and the first pitch is scheduled for oh, about 10 minutes from now…..so I am posting this for all to read, then will continue to update it during the game……

Myers vs Hanson

What is there to say?  Myers stinks like rotten eggs against the Braves going only 4-10 against them.  Plus Hanson is red hot right now.  And Uggla and Chipper pretty much makes Myers his female dog, in fact there are 18 Braves that have a career .300 or better average against him. UGH.  Add that to a Braves 5 game win streak and it doesn’t look like the Astros have much of a chance.  However, that is why they PLAY the games.

BIG shoutout to OSF who has covered my ass for the first two games of this series.