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  • Articles posted by JaneDoe (Page 2)

The Invasion of the Cacti–Cubs @ Astros

Posted on April 11, 2011 by JaneDoe in Series Previews
The Cub fans are coming!
The Cub fans are coming!
Lock up your wife and daughters! 
Arm your sons!
The Cub fans are coming!
 
 
 
Monday April 11, 7:05 p.m. my20pixelsHD. MLB.TV
Tuesday April 12, 7:05 p.m. FSH-HD, DirectTV 678, MLB.TV
Wednesday April 13, 7:05 p.m. my20pixelsHD. MLB.TV

My apologies to Paul Revere, however, there is no greater fear a city has than to be overrun with John Q. Idiot Cubfan himself.  Why, just the other day, a few of my favorite SnS friends and I were sitting in The Flying Saucer, preparing for a rousing home opener against the Marlins, when who walks in, but Mr. Cubfan.  Now obviously, he had no fashion or common sense, sporting a Cub hat and jersey into a bar full of Astros fans, but what do you expect? He is a fan of the baby bears.  These poor suckers just don’t have a chance.  Loveable losers? Hell,  no.  Just plain dumbshits.  Not that you need more proof, but here is just a little something about that team that plays Wrigley:

**Twenty major events  have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:  
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley’s comet passed Earth. TWICE.
6. Harry Caray was born….and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.

**Disclaimer: No I did not spend my freakin valuable time compiling this shit.  I am therefore not liable for any mistakes.  Blame John Q. Cubfan.

Probable Pitching Matchups

Monday, April 11 Ryan Dempster RHP 0-2, 6.59 ERA vs Nelson Figueroa RHP 0-1, 10.13 ERA

The Trash Receptacle has had a rough start to the season, giving up 16 hits and 10 earned runs over 13.2 innings.  He has had a history of struggling against the hometown nine, sporting a team BA of .302 lead by Lee (.369) and Bourn (.361).  Figueroa is even 1-2 against him.  While this news is encouraging, Cub batters have an even higher average against Nelson.  However, Fukudome (.556 in 9AB) is on the DL, so that would lower the team BA from the lofty .319 they have against Figueroa (nine Cub batters hit .319 or higher).  His last two starts versus the Cubs last year yielded two wins for the ‘Stros, lets hope he continues this streak.

Tuesday, April 12 James Russell LHP 1-0, 0.00 ERA vs Brett Myers RHP 0-0, 2.03 ERA

Russell gets his first major league start against Myers and the Astros.  Last season, he did appear twice in the first inning, relieving Wells after six batters with no outs, and Silva after one out, but did not last more than 4 innings in either appearance.  Expect to get to the bullpen early in this one.   As a reliever, he has posted a 0.00 ERA and .000 slugging percentage against five current Astros.  He faces Myers!Myers! He’s our man! If he can’t do it, no one can!  Baker (.667), Soto (.375), and Byrd (.300) have had success against Brett, although he holds the team to a .201 average.  Myers is 10-3 with a 2.21 ERA with 103 Ks against the Cubs in his career.

Wednesday, April 13  Carlos Zambrano RHP 1-0, 5.25 ERA vs Wandy Rodriguez LHP 0-1, 6.55 ERA 

Zambrano got his first ever major league win against the Astros in a relief appearance on September 21, 2001.  Since then, he has gone 14-8 with a 2.63 ERA and 172 Ks and I learned to hate him with a special hate that I reserve for cocksuckers like him.  It is not often that  a man debases himself on the level of a Zambrano implosion, so when he blesses us with yet another idiotic display, we must embrace it as only a Zambrano hater can. This just never gets old….. 

It goes without saying that I literally puked when I found out that yahoo computer draft stuck him on my fantasy team, but I figured, I would suffer the pain, the embarassment, the shame, if it shows the BBGs I will take one for the team.  
Rodriguez bounced back from a forgettable first start of the season by giving up only 1 earned run over seven innings in his last start against the Marlins. Wandy needs to be careful around his opponent, Zambrano is 2 for 9 with a HR against him. Several other Cubs hit Wandy around pretty bad, with Baker (.455) and Soto (.357) leading the team among those with double digit ABs against Rodriguez.

Injuries

Cubs–Randy Wells (forearm) and Andrew Cashner (shoulder) are on the 15 day DL and are out until the end of April.  The Dome of Fuku has a pulled pork sammich and is not expected to be available for this series.

Astros–Nothing new here.  I keep hoping that the Castro injury was some bad dream brought on by an overabundance of Sonic chili dog and tater tots, but no such luck.  Don’t know why he is on the 15-day DL instead of the longer one.  Joining him are Keppinger (foot), Arias (shoulder) and Barmes (hand), none of which is expected back until late April or early May.

Promotions and Giveaways

Pam has come up with an brand new marketing scheme.  Mad Hatters Days.  Anyone wearing a Cubs hat will be lined up in front of MMPUS for other fans throw any variety of rotten fruit, vegetables or eggs at them, earning the one who plasters them with a free ticket for that night’s game. If the Cub hat is on backwards, you earn TWO free tickets to the game…… Oh, no? It is Price Matters Days?  Crap that is old hat.  In fact, it is available every Monday through Thursday for every home game.  I guess they figure there will be enough AIS from the plethora of Cubfandom that will fill the stadium with cheers for the baby bears.  What we need is something to draw in Astro fans so that cheers for the home team aren’t drowned out by shouts for Marmolade or Zam-IamsofatIneedamanbra-no. Geez, Pam, get your head in the game…..

Weather
Click for full game report!

Final thought…

What is the difference between Wrigley Field and a cactus?

With a cactus, all the pricks are on the outside.

To spout your own Cub jokes, join us in the GZ.

Octoberfuck the Cubs

Posted on October 1, 2010 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

What’s the second best way to end a season?  Sweep the fucking Cubs, that’s how.  Yeah, breaking news, the Astros aren’t making the playoffs, but if the end of this season has any bearing at all on next season, I’d wager we are in for some entertaining baseball with this team next year.   But it ain’t next year folks, it is high time we kidk some Cubbie ass and send them home wailing “Wait til next year” for the gazillionth year in a row. 

Friday, October 1, 7:05 PM CT, Minute Maid Park

Casey Coleman, RHP  vs  Bud Norris, RHP 

Coleman notched a win against the Cards in his last start, but had bad juju against the Astros in his only start against them this year.  Bourn and the Big Johnson each batted 1.000 in that game, where Coleman posted a 6.0 ERA.  Norris has won 7 of his last 9 and would love to get to double digit wins for the year.  As he said himself, “It comes down to one.”   Well, if you want that one, keep away from Starlin Castro.  The young Dominican hits .667 against ya there, buddy. 

Saturday, October 2, 6:05 PM CT, Minute Maid Park

Carlos Zambrano, RHP  vs   J.A. Happ, LHP 

If I had to pick a baby bear to hate the most, it would be friggin Zambrano.  This guy has to be the mother fucking epitome of all that Cubdom is about. What a friggin crybaby.  Somebody change his Pampers before he goes out on the mound, we don’t want MMPUS to smell like your shit for the entire off season. 

<object style=”height: 390px; width: 640px”><param name=”movie” value=”http://www.youtube.com/v/2tTuZir2420?version=3″><param name=”allowFullScreen” value=”true”><param name=”allowScriptAccess” value=”always”><embed src=”http://www.youtube.com/v/2tTuZir2420?version=3” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” allowfullscreen=”true” allowScriptAccess=”always” width=”640″ height=”390″></object>

Well, fuck Zambrano, I have tried embedding this for awhile and it just won’t.  So go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tTuZir2420&feature=related  and make sure you have the sound up.  Way up.

Happ just makes me happy.  When I look at him, I am reminded that I don’t have to hear that whiny bitch Oswalt anymore, and that is good enough for me.  Plus, he has held Mr. Sorry-I-Know to .000, and that just has to make you smile.

Sunday, October 3, 1:05 PM CT, Minute Maid Park 

Ryan Dempster, RHP  vs  Wandy Rodriguez, LHP 

We go from the crybaby to the trash can.  The Astros hit .324 (that’s with the pitchers) against the guy and he still shows up for the game.  Wandy gets the honor of sending the sCrubs back to Chicago for a long cold winter with visions of Stve Bartman dancing in their head. 

 

Out for the season :

Cubs: Colvin, Soto, Grabow, Silva, Guzman.   And probably the fuck me guy, too.

Astros: Bourn, Moehler, Arias.  No surprises there.  Only 3 days left people.  Leave SBB alone.

Giveaways:

Friday: Trick or Treat bags, Coca Cola Value Night, Friday night fireworks and dollar hot dogs.  That will fill the stadium.  Why not dollar beer, people?  Pam you do want AIS, right?

Saturday: One more retired Astro bobblehead.  At least we lead the league in one category. 

Sunday: 2010 Astros Team Poster.  Bet it still has Oswalt and no Happ.  No thanks.  Plus, they are giving away all the extra crap that has been sitting in the storage closet, unclaimed, sorta like one great big Astros garage sale.

 

Weather:  Gonna be a gorgeous weekend.  Seriously, like 58 degrees tonight?  With a high of 80 tomorrow?  Holy jumped-up Jesus palomino!!

End of the line

I’ll admit I haven’t watched as much baseball this year as I have in seasons past.  It hasn’t been because I was disenchanted with the team, but rather work duties increased and I have gone back for a graduate degree.  Thanks for putting up with some pretty shitty attempts at previews; I hope I haven’t worn out my welcome and get to have a chance to make the rotation next year.

Oh, and…..

FUCK THE CUBS.

Astros @ Florida Summer’s Almost Over…

Posted on August 20, 2010 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

Just in time for back to school, the Astros hop on a plane and fly to the Sunshine State for the last trip to the beach of the 2010 season.  Time for last minute sunburns that you hope will ripen into a golden brown tan that doesn’t fade until Spring.  Or you can just treat yourself to a trip to Puerto Rico, and come back to make us all jealous with your bronzed glow…but that is another story.

Friday,  August 20 6:10 p.m.
Saturday, August 21, 6:10 p.m.
Sunday, August 22, 12:10 p.m.

Probable Pitching Matchups

Friday’s game features Happ vs Sanchez.  No not that Sanchez, the one with the girl name, Anniebelle.  Sanchez is 3-4 in his last 10 starts, giving up 23 runs over 60.1 innings in that stretch.  Manzella (just off the DL) and Bourn both hit .550 against him in limited ABs.  Happ needs to be on for the Marlins, they are 23-12 vs. southpaws for the season.  Paulino hits .400 vs Happ and Cody Ross is the only Marlin to have hit a homer off him.

On Saturday, the Astros send another lefty up against the Fish.  Wandy has not had a decision in his last 3 starts, despite allowing only three earned runs in 20 1/3 innings. He’s 6-1 with a 1.74 ERA in his last 10 starts.  Wandy should be on guard against Ross (.375), Ramirez (.455) and Paulino (.500).   He faces Chris Volstad, who is 2-1 since a 3 game stint in the minors earlier this year.  Don’t know why, but he reminds me of some country hick from Vidor.

The series finale the Mud and Blood send up Figueroa to make his second start of the season.  Current Marlins are 1-13 against him, the only hit a single by Hanley Ramirez.  His mound opponent will be Ricky Nolasco.  Pence likes him some Nolasco-his 3 hits off him have all been of the out of the park variety.

And just like that–Ronny Paulino gets himself a 50 game sit on the bench for a positive test for a banned substance.  You are out for the season you dumbshit.

Ploys to get AIS

Friday–Billy Bingo!!!   The first 10,000 fans will get a Billy Bingo card and 2,500 will win a Marlins Player Jersey.  2500?? Won’t that be almost every one in the stadium??

Saturday–Post-game concert featuring Tito El Bambino & Zion y Lennox.   Oh, and this clapper thingy.

Sunday–It is Billy the Marlin’s Birthday.  So you get this lunchbag.  Does it come with fresh fish?

Injuries

The Astros have a few new additions to the DL: Keppinger and Lindstrom.  Otherwise you know the drill: Arias, Paulino, and Moehler.

The Fish will be without the aforementioned Paulino, plus these poor fellows: Baker, Coughlan, Marinez, West, andPoveda.  Sucks for them.

Weather

Saturday ain’t no different.  Sunday neither.

Apologies for the lack of hate

Been pretty swamped at work.  So rather than spend time trying to write something witty, I just decided to link to some bikini shots.  It is Florida, after all.

Brewers @ Astros–Make Sure You Kick the Whine-O on the Way Out

Posted on July 30, 2010 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

  

Hello, world, here’s a song that we’re singin’, C’mon get Happ-y

The  Astros enter into a new era, and boy are they PO’d.  That’s Post Oswalt’d for you who haven’t surfed the internet or turned on a TV in the past 36 hours or so.   Uh, huh, that guy who was supposed to break the Astros team record for wins is bye-bye, and a young southpaw is in the fold. 

A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’, We’ll make you Happ-y

James Anthony Happ.  J. A.  for short. 

We had a dream we’d go trav’lin’ together
We’d spread a little lovin then we’d keep movin’ on

Now as the details of the trade came down the pike, Astros fans across the universe held their collective breaths as visions of a sugar plum fairy godmotherf’er of a deal danced in their heads.  What could be gotten for their favorite electrically charged and repaired Roy-O?  Wild ass rumours were the talk of the day–from 3 team deals where the Astros would get 8 blue star sure thing minor league prospects plus Ted William’s cryogenically preserved dome, down to just trading Oswalt for a lifetime supply of Vagisil and Mantyhose.  When the dust settled, the Astros had given the Phillies $11 million dollars and a major league Whine-O for a young left-handed pitcher J. A. Happ, along with outfielder Anthony Gose and shortstop Jonathan Villar.  Gose was then flipped to the Blue Jays for first baseman Brett Wallace, masher extraordinaire.


Somethin’ always happ-ens whenever we’re together
We get a Happ-y feelin’ when we’re singin’ a song

Happ-y Trails, to ya Roy, don’t forget your Bros on the way out…… Now, if we could just get rid of those horses and yeller cats, too.

Friday, July 30, 7:05 PM CT
Saturday, July 31, 6:05 PM CT
Sunday, August 1, 1:05 PM CT

Back to the business at hand…baseball…games.  The Brew Crew is in town, after losing 2 of 3 to the NL Central leading Cincinnati Reds (yep, don’t run out and get Lasik, you read that right, the Reds). 

Friday’s matchup has Manny Parra facing that Happ-y guy (not to be confused with our own Mr. Happy).  Happ has started once against the Brewers in his career, giving up 2 runs on 6 hits in 5.2 innings and earning a W.  Current Brewers hit .286 against him, lead by the Prince himself with a .500 average.  Parra is coming off his better appearances of the season last week (against the Nats mind you).  Four Astros sport .500 or better averages off Manny: Lee, Feliz, Michaels and Q.

Saturday’s matchup features a battle between a rod and a bush-and we all know how that usually turns out.  The rod comes up limp, but the bush gets creamed. (Boooooo, I know) Pence typically likes Bush, going 8 for 20 with 1 dinger, while Feliz and Lee both have taken him yard twice.  McGehee (.455), Hart (.419), Braun (.368) and Weeks (.300), are salivating to see Wandy take the hill.  Rodriguez is 6-6 with a 4.48 ERA vs the Brewers in his career.

For the Sunday matinee, its a  battle of the Ws, Wolf vs Wright. Wolf has held the current Astros lineup to a .207 BA.  That anemic average is only that high because Q is 5 for 9 with a .556 average, or else that average drops below the shit line to a paltry .178.  The Kid is making his third start of the season for the Good Guys (both against the Cubs–Fuck them!) and has yet to get past the 5th inning. 

 Is there a doctor in the house?

The Sexy, Sexy Bitch and the kid who won’t take off his sunglasses at night are questionable for this series.  Sittin’ on the dock of the DL we find Gerut, Davis, Estrada and Zaun playing a game of quarters til the sun goes down. Or they get shit-faced, one or the other.

Arias is still MIA for the season.  Fulchino has started his rehab assignment, while Blum, Manzella, Moehler, and Paulino draw straws to see who gets to visit Brownie and JD in the booth this Saturday. Keppinger is day-to-day from the backache he aquired from trying to carry this team single-handedly for much of the season.

Send’em home Happ-y!

Friday Night Fireworks!  ‘Nuff said.

"Look Ma! They got it wrong! His butt ain't brushing the ground!"

 

Saturday-New Batting Coach Jeff Bagwell Bobblehead!  How many Bagwell bobbing heads does one need anyway? Anything to get another ass in the seat, huh, Pam?  Oh, yeah.  Its also that Faith and Family night thing that Alkie hates, featuring Fat Elvis giving his testimony–LIVE ON THE BIG SCREEN FROM NEW YORK CITY!!!!!!

Sunday-An Astros lunch bag for the kiddies, just in time for school.  I am going to have to steal one of those babies for myself.  My family and I will be attending the game thanks to Chevy Youth Baseball. In the cheap seats, where else?  I said Chevy not Bentley.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Re-building Saga Begins

Dear Drayton,

The word of the day is re-building. Emphasis on the re-.  It has been done before.  Remember that October of 20 ouught five?  You can have that Happ-y feeling again.  If you build it………well, you know what comes next. 

(song fades into the distance)Trav’lin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’,
C’mon get Happ-y
A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’,
We’ll make you Happ-y
We’ll make you Happ-y,
We’ll make you Happ-y

Good start Drayton. Now, go make us happy.


Pirates @ Astros–Our Ship Comes Sailing In

Posted on July 7, 2010 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

Yippee! The Pirates are coming! The Pirates are coming!  Just when you thought your Astros were the worst team since the 1899 Cleveland Spiders, the Buccos come to town sporting the worst batting average in the majors.  The boys have the chance to win a game other than on Wednesdays only; the Pirates have lost 19 of their last 21 on the road, plus have lost 14 of their last 17 at Minute Maid. The 3 pitchers the Astros are scheduled to face have a combined total of only 3 wins on the season.  We got ourselves a real chance at a series win here–remember, it ain’t soccer (futbol for you non-Star Spangled Banner types), someone has to win!

Probable Pitchers

Tuesday July 6, 7:05 p.m.  Brad Lincoln vs Wandy Rodriguez  Lincoln earned his first major league win in his last start.  Scouting reports say that when his curve is on, he is one tough mf to hit, but when he is off, he is off bad.  Lincoln has one major thing on his side, he has never faced a Houston batter, which gives the hometown lineup about a 5.3% chance of scoring a run against him.  Wandy returns after facing the Brew Crew, pitching seven innings and giving up only one run.  He laid down a wonderful suicide squeeze in that game, too.  Rodriguez had a win earlier over the Pirates this year at home, in fact, he has never lost at home against them in his career-the current combined Pirates lineup has a .179 BA against Wandy.

Wednesday, July 7, 7:05 p.m. Daniel McCutchen vs. Brian Moehler  McCutchen also got his first win of the year in his last start (see a pattern here?).  He is the replacement for Zach Duke who is on the DL, and has only faced the Astros in relief.  Moehler should have gotten his second, but the bully gave up the ghost to the Padres and spoiled Moehler’s bid. 

Thursday, July 8, 1:05 p.m. The Dork vs. The Whiner  Ohlendork–you guessed it, got his first win of the year in his last start.  He has also never won at the MMPUS.  Oswalt  will be Oswalt until he doesn’t get a strike call that he wants, and will transform into the whiny bitch we have all come to despise. 

Injuries

Astros-Blum, the Ino Brothers, Manzella and Arias are playing poker in Vegas.

Pirates-Duke (elbow), Pearce (ankle), Ascaino (shoulder),  Jabuwhatshisname (hurt his brain trying to spell his name correctly) will miss this series.

What should we bribe them with to get them to come to this dismal series?

Nothing.  No bribes.  No giveaways.  No bobbleheads.  No towels.  Nada.  Just some ticket specials.  Like that will draw in the big crowds.

Expect the worse, hope for the best

The 2010 Astros, we’re still working on it.

*Apologies for the late preview.  Life got in the way.

Astros @ Royals–Click it or Ticket, the Ride Continues

Posted on June 15, 2010 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

 The streaky rollercoaster season of ups and downs for the Houston hometown team continues.  Just when you think this team has gotten it together, they plunge again. After a winning three straight in the Rocky Mountains, they drop three straight in the house that replaced the house that Ruth built.  Hoping to start uphill again, the Astros head into Kaufmann Stadium  to face the Kansas City Royals who are fresh off a 3-3 road trip through Minnesota and Cincinnati.  Side note: I’ve heard that Kaufmann Stadium is a really beautiful park, even though it is the sixth oldest stadium in the majors.  Constructed in 1972 and originally named Royals stadium, the facility was built for baseball only, not a multi-sport stadium that was the rage at the time.   Recently, the stadium has been renovated to the tune of about $250 million.   I’ve kinda always wanted to visit there, along with Dodger Stadium, Fenway, and Wrigley.  Ok, back to the preview….

Probable Pitchers

Tuesday, June 15, 7:10 p.m. CT     Felipe Paulino, RHP (1-7, 3.82) vs. Kyle Davies, RHP (4-5, 5.48)    Paulino’s 1-7 record does not reflect the turnaround he has had in his last several games.  In his last 5 starts, he has dropped his ERA by almost 2 full points.  He has gone 8 innings in each of his last 3 starts, giving up 17 hits, 3 earned runs and posting 19 Ks.  Davies has struggled with control this season and not gone more than 6 2/3 innings in any start this year.  He has never faced the Astros as a team, however he has faced 5 members of the team, totally dominating them by allowing only 2 hits in 15 ABs.

Wednesday, June 16, 7:10 p.m. CT     Roy Oswalt, RHP (4-8, 3.16) vs. Bruce Chen, LHP (3-0, 4.01)  Oswalt was nothing less than spectacular in his last start versus the Rockies.  He finally got a little run support in his stockings and earned his fourth win of the season.   He will need to be sharp when he faces the Royals, who have a .298 team BA when facing him.  Chen has been a serviceable replacement for Meche who is out with a sore shoulder.  He has gone 2-0 in the three starts since taking over the starter’s role.

Thursday, June 17, 7:10 p.m. CT     TBA vs. Luke Hochevar, RHP (5-4, 4.96)  All I can say is, there are only 2 days left and we still don’t know who is pitching?  Give Hochevar the win and go home.

Injuries

Astros-Lindstrom’s  expected to be  back for this series.  Norris and Sampson are expected to begin rehab assignments this week.  Arias is still pining away on the IR.

Royals-Ankiel (quads) and Parrish (shoulder) are on rehab assignment. Meche and Barrera got caught playing head, shoulders, hamstrings and elbows and got sent to the 60 day DL.  Josh Fields is out for the season (hip).

Promotions and Give-it-to-mes

Tuesday, June 15–T-shirt Tuesday.  Dude, that’s yellow. 

Wednesday, June 16–Get your FREE hot dogs!  And get there early for some SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.  What the heck? Is George Brett coming back?  With this? Nope, but KC is getting the All Star Game. In 20 somethingorother.

Thursday, June 17–Youth Night, College Night and Top Gun Night at the K.  A pedophiles wet dream.

The Blues Brothers

My baseball fandom began in 1980 culminating with the series versus the pHucking pHillies, and I was caught hook, line and sinker. So, call a homer, but I have always been an Astros fan.   Well, almost.   I had the biggest crush on two brothers, yep, both of them.  Of course, neither one of them really ever wanted to acknowledge my existence in the universe, they were too busy catching snakes to scare the teachers with, setting fire to the trash in the boys bathroom at school, or sneaking a dip between their teeth and gums.  But they were baseball fans.  Born and raised in Kansas and they bled royal blue.  So while I was learning to get all hot and bothered about my ‘Stros, they were on cloud 9 with their Royals.  What was a young impressionable girl to do?  Yeah, you guessed it.  I made the Royals my “American League Team”. 

Now I had never given the AL the time of day; there was no interleague play back then. (for all you internet natives, the AL and NL only used to meet in the World Series and the All Star game, what a friggin amazing concept!)  I really had no knowledge of the style of play or the history of the American League.  But they did, and they hated the Yankees.  And I mean HATED the Yankees. But they reserved a special vitriol for  the (expletive) St. (expletive) Louis (expletive) Cardinals (chain of expletives) . I was first introduced to just about every four letter word I know now by these brothers and every time it was in reference to that team from St. Louis.  Like any other young impressionable preteen girl, I figured that if the boys I liked hated the Yankees and Cardinals then I better hate them, too.  It didn’t take long for me to realize that I really didn’t like AL ball, but my crush on these two was of magnificent proportions.  I even remembering convincing my mom to buy me some black parachute pants for one of my birthday parties because the (Name Withheld to Protect the Innocent) boys were coming.  I still cringe just thinking about it.  Fast forward to the 1985 World Series–Kansas City vs the St. Louis Cardinals.  I still had the hots for these two, but realized I had just about as much chance of kissing Leif Garrett as I had of kissing them, so I resigned myself to just talk baseball with them.  Every day at school we would discuss the game and when the Royals beat the Cardinals to win their first World Series title, I saw on their faces what being a fan was all about.  Since that day, I have yearned for that feeling from my Astros, and still look forward to the day I can just sit back in satisfaction knowing my team is the World Champions.

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