The Astros fly into Birdland with their tails between their legs and whimpering like a sick puppy.  Coming off a series where they were outscored by 20 runs in 4 games, the outlook doesn’t get much better.  The Redbirds have stocked their arsenal with the likes of Matt Halliday, Mark DeRosa and Julio Lugo, hoping to put the rest of the NL Central firmly in their rear view mirror.  Well, those fuckers better watch out because we put Ortiz to rest and called up Bud Norris.  That’ll teach’em.

 Friday, July 31   7:15 p.m.

Moehler vs Boggs

Moehler’s last start was probably his crappiest of the year.  You would expect him to bounce back.  He does, after all, fare not so bad against the Cardinals.  However, it is the luck of the draw that he faces an unknown.  Yeah, that pimple faced shithead that the Astros can’t hit the broad side of the barn against.  This time that newbie’s name is Mitchell Boggs.  But wait, he is not entirely unknown.  Five, count them FIVE current Astros have faced him in 6 total ABs with a combined batting average of .500.  Woohoo!!! We may just win this game.  Not.

Saturday, August 1st   6:15 p.m.

Rodriguez vs Carpenter

This game features a matchup of two pitchers that could both be considered for NL pitcher of the month for July.  Wandy was 4-0 with a 0.75 ERA in five July starts  while Carpenter countered with a he went 4-0 record and  a 1.62 ERA in his five starts.  Wandy has been especially stellar against the Hole of Poo, who is 3 for 23  and slugs only .130 when facing the lefty.   Plan on seeing some unlikely heroes for the Astros in this game.  Bourn, Coste, Pudge and Matsui all bat above .500 against the Woodworker.  Great pitching matchup be damned.  Expect a  18-17 slugfest outta this one folks.

Sunday August 2   1:15 p.m.

Norris vs Wainwright

Norris is expected to make his first major league start in the place of the Wizard who has a lower back strain, but has not yet been placed on the DL.  Time for voodoo dolls of red feathered friends and all the fried chicken you can shove dow n your pie-hole.  We need to reverse the trend that we see with the hometown nine and hope that the Cardinals shit in their pants when they see our rookie.  Why should it always work against us?  Time for that trend to end.  It is also time for Hunter to get his shit together, and Wainwright is one of his favorite prey.  Pence leads all Astros who have faced Wainwright more than 2 times with a .350 batting average.  Count on him to flail wildly, shoot and miss, and bring down the team’s combined .237 BA against Adam.

Who needs a band aid?

The Astros DL list sure has expanded lately.  Berkman, Erstad, Hawkins,  and Boone are definitely out for the series, and Oswalt is a most likely no- show, too. 

The Cardinals will probably sit Brendan Ryan out with a bad ankle for this series.  Greene, Garcia and Glaus are all rehabbing and will not be seen this go-round.

Want stuff?

Get your Whitey Herzog autograph Friday. Former Cardinals manager Whitey Herzog will be signing from 5:30 to 6:30 in Ford Plaza. First 150 people in line will be guaranteed one autograph. No bats allowed. Good.  The Cardinals need to play Friday’s game without bats.  Maybe we can win one.

Saturday you can get your set of 2009 Upper Deck Cardinals cards.  You don’t get the entire team, though.  Only 5 cards per kid. Great for starting forest fires.

Ever wonder what would happen if a Cub mated with a Cardinal?  Just show up early to Sunday’s game to find out.

GROSS. I'm gonna go puke now.

Yeah, been a bad week.  So I’m a little pessimistic about this series.  Fuck the Cards.

Get your Cardinals hatred out in the GameZone.

Coming off a moderately successful road trip (4-3), the Astros come marching home again to a very favorable homestand facing the Pirates and the Nationals before taking a few off for the All-Star break. Surprisingly, two of the hometown nine were elected to the squad–Tejada and Pence–who both greeted the news by taking The Big Eunuch over the fence in celebration on Sunday. 

Monday, July 6, 7:00 p.m.
Virgil Vasquez, RHP (1-1, 3.75) vs. Mike Hampton, LHP (4-5, 4.44)

Vasquez was called up earlier this year to take Ian the Snail’s place in the rotation after he volunteered to go down to Pittsburgh’s AAA affiliate in Indianapolis.  Now how bad do you have to think you are to volunteer to be sent down from the perinniel  celler dwelling Pirates?  Vasquez has started 2 games since the callup, posting a 1-1 record while scattering only 5 runs in 12 innings pitched.  He does however have the advantage of never having faced the Mud-N-Blood, almost guaranteeing him a Cy Young type performance.

Hampton has held current Pirates to a .111 batting average.  although only Jack Wilson (2 for 14) is the only Bucco to have more than 10 AB against Mike.  He has had quite a bit of success againt the Pirates in his career (.813 winning percentage) and has been quite dominant over them this year (3-0,  0.90 ERA)

 Tuesday, July 7, 7:05 p.m.

Paul Maholm, LHP (5-4, 4.69)  vs. Brian Moehler, RHP (5-4, 5.64)

Maholm has been struggling as of late, rarely making it past the 5th inning.  He has held the Astros to a collective .209 batting average in his career with only Pence, Hampton and Quintero hitting above .300 against him.  Berkman (.130) and Matsui (.083) in particular have just sucked rotten eggs against Maholm.

Moehler has just puttered along recently, doing his regular yeoman’s job (3-0, 3.13 ERA) in his last four starts.  Un fortunately, of the six Buc batters that have faced him in at least 6 PA’s, none have a batting average below .300.  The Dirty Sanchez in particular boasts a .579 average in 19 AB’s.

Wednesday, July 8, 1:05 p.m.

Charlie Morton, RHP (1-1, 2.65) vs. Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (7-6, 3.21)

Morton has only faced the Astros once in his career with current Astros compiling a .231 batting average against him.  He has had trouble this year with a recurring hamstring injury. 

Wandy had one of his worst start of the year aganst the Pirates earlier this season.  Since then, Rodriguez has gone 5 -3 with 2 no decisions.  Sanchez (.435), Adam LaRoach (.417) and Jack Wilson (.364) are the only Pirates with more than 12 AB’s against Wandy and are just licking their chops to face him again.  Hopefully, the confines of the MMPUS will work to his advantage against them.

Who needs a band-aid?

Yates leaned on his elbow and Doumit strained his wrist while looking over Dumatrait’s shoulder to watch Doumit put a wrist to Veal’s groin while Sanchez sat back and laughed.

Brocail and Boone are still playing checkers in the dugout.

What will you give me for going to the game?

Well, you are SOL if you want a cool souvenier buddy.  Monday, you will be treated to a patriotic fireworks show (a little late guys, the Fourth was a couple of days ago), and Tuesday and Wednesday will get you ticket price specials, but not one dang thing to take home to the wife to prove you were at the game.  Guess your ticket stub and empty beer cup will have to do.

Blah, blah, blah

Apologies for the brevity and lack of wit or hint of intelligence in this preview.  Totally forgot it was my turn, and was rushing to get two guys fed, dressed (in clean uniforms) and off to their all star baseball games when I remembered it was July 6th and wasn’t I supposed to write a preview today?  Just glad I got this posted before the first pitch.

Don’t forget to join us in the GameZone!

This season the Rangers have found a new use for their blue suede shoes big boots–to kick the Asstros in their collective posterior.  The first meeting between the two teams resulted in a one sided love affair, a clean sweep by the neighbors from the north who invaded the MMPUS with a cane and a high starched collar. 

Anybody seen my twinkies?

The Astros have been bringin’ it back winning their last five series of the season.  Doncha think its time to sit on the edge of reality? Despite these series wins the Good Guys are still crying in the chapel sitting down by the riverside in last place with a do not disturb sign on the beach shack that is the home of the Central Division cellar dwellers.  This series is highlighted by double trouble, twins from the bosom of Abraham himself–Fat Elvis vs Black Elvis–we’ll be together until its time for you to go.  

Sideburns, guys, I wanted sideburns. Like Elvis. Not me. Yeah, THAT Elvis.

Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (5-5, 2.82) vs  Kevin Millwood, RHP (6-4, 2.72)

Wandy my heart cries for you.  You follow a 3 game winning streak with a 3 game losing streak and a no decision, and now it is time to reach out to Jesus and put your hand in the hand of the spanish eyes that are steadfast loyal and true behind the plate.  Remember, you’re a heartbreaker for these Rangers, you have not lost to them in your career.  Beware of Ian Kinsler, who can’t help falling in love with you, he has a .700 average in 10 AB against you.

Millwood has given up more than 3 earned runs only three times this season.  But his lineup has left his blue eyes crying in the rain, providing enough runs to earn him only 6 wins on the season.  Six Astros have a batting average over .333 against Millwood. 

Russ Ortiz, RHP (3-2, 3.48) vs Matt Harrison, LHP (4-4, 5.43)

Coop shows confidence in Ortiz, keeping him in the starting rotation for the second time.  Don’t think twice its alright with Russ, he didn’t seem too thrilled to be sent to the bullpen, it gave him that dirty, dirty feeling.  Elvis is the devil in disguise for Ortiz, he sports a beginner’s luck 1.000 batting average against him (a double in only one AB).  Andruw Jones also sends Ortiz crying to the chapel (.417 in 31 plate appearances).

Matt Harrison has some golden coins in his right pocket.  That’s right his pocket contains the “dreaded pitcher that the Astros have never faced good luck charm”.  We have no chance.  NO CHANCE.  BBG’s, please don’t be cruel.  (Bet ya were waiting on that one, huh?)  This is Harrison’s first start after a couple of minor league rehab assignments (inflammation in his left shoulder).

  
Roy Oswalt, RHP (3-3, 4.37) vs  Vicente Padilla, RHP (5-3, 4.82)

Oswalt looked like he was gaining confidence in himself in his last start vs the Diamondbacks, as evidenced by some nasty curves he was letting flip flop and fly.  Big boss man showed he could be king of the whole wide world with much better control of his bread and butter pitches (fastball, curveball) for really the first time this season in the same game.  Jones (.538), Kinsler (.462) and Young (.306) have paralyzed RoyO in the past, but here’s hoping he’s on the money honey for this start.

Padilla has turned his season around already.  After being placed on waivers earlier in the year, he has posted wins against both Boston and the Angels.  In his last 5 starts he is 4-1, his last one being an eight hit shutout of the Dodgers.  The fat version of Elvis has the chance to turn from a Jack to a King against Padilla.  He feasts on Padilla like he’s downing Queenie Wahine’s papaya, in 18 ABs he has 10 hits with 5 doubles and 2 HRs.

Poison Ivy League

Astros

 Rangers

Tuesday–get your shiny red plastic batting helmet.  Helps protect your noggin from all those hard knocks.

Wednesday–Dollar hot dog night, wednesday autograph night and a reusable barf bag for when all those dollar dogs wanna come back up and be reused. 

Perfect for puke of every color!

Thursday–Rangers nightlight you can put in your garage and grow the green green grass of home.

Happy Ending
Funny how time slips away when you are having fun. Hope you were challenged to find the smorgasbord of song titles sung by the hound dog Elvis himself. Oh, how the web was woven.

Don’t be a stranger. Visit the Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce otherwise known as the GameZone.

After an abbreviated winning road trip, the Astros wanted to go somewhere where everyone knows their name, but the trip home did not make anyone glad they came. Of the 6 games they have played on the homestand, the hometown nine lost 5. The friendly confines of the MMPUS have not been so friendly this year, resulting in a 9 -15 home record. Maybe we should take this series to the Queen City, the Pearl of the Ohio Valley.

Monday        May 25     12:10 p.m.    FSH-HD
Tuesday        May 26     6:10 p.m.      FSH
Wednesday   May 27     6:10 p.m.      FSH

While we are wondering whatever became of our Astros, the Cincinnati Reds have been hanging close to the NL Central leaders by posting a winning road record (13-8).  They haven’t been so good at home (10-12).  So they blew it up.

And then built the Great American Ballpark  Don’t know what is so great about it.  Is it really American?  I’ll bet there are some parts from China.  Or Taiwan.  And every time I see that stadium name, all I can hear is the theme from the Great Space Coaster playing in my head until I want to scream. 

Probable Pitching Matchups

Monday May 25  Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (5-2, 1.83) vs Aaron Harang, RHP (4-4, 3.19) 

This game is a rematch between Rodriguez and Harang where Wandy pitched 7 innings of one run ball to earn the win. Wandy has been nothing short of  super, uh, super, uh, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious this season, allowing no more than 3 earned runs in any game, even on the road.  He seems to have learned how to bury his Road Wandy alternate personality, and only lets Home Wandy come out to play.

Harang has faced the Astros twice this season, resulting in one win and one loss.  In his last start, he allowed 6 hits and 6 runs in only 5 innings, for his third loss this year.  Matsui had 3 hits in that game, his only 3 hit game of the season.  If you remove the 10 earned runs in 11 innings that the Astros have pinned on the Harangotan this year, his season ERA drops more than a full point from 3.19 to 2.05.  Several Astros have excellent averages against the Harangotan; Pudge (.600), Blum (.588) and Matsui(.444) lead the pack. 

Tuesday May 26  Roy Oswalt, RHP (1-2, 4.47) vs Micah Owings, RHP (3-5, 4.70)  

Oh where, oh where has my little Roy gone?  Oh where, oh where can he be?  After two no-decisions against the Reds earlier this year, here’s hoping that the phrase “the third time is the charm” works it magic on Roy.  In thirteen innings he has only given up one earned run to the Reds this season.  To say he has had a lack of run support would be putting it mildly.  Laynce Nix and Alex Gonzalez (.429 each) should be on Roy’s list of players to avoid if he wants to earn a win with this one.

Owings has not started against the Astros this year.  In two starts before this season, he is 1-0 with a 1.69 ERA.  Lee, Pence and Tejada have had relative sucess against Owing, albeit in an extremely small sample size (5 or less ABs). 

Wednesday May 27  Felipe Paulino, RHP (1-3, 6.90) vs Bronson Arroyo, RHP (6-3, 5.79)   

Paulino has been jerked around too much by Cap’n Tinker, on that we can all agree. Like Roy, he has allowed only 1 run to the Reds in two starts, but got no-decisions in both.   Paulino needs to pull out the Raid to use on Lance Nix who sports an .800 BA against him. 

Arroyo is just one ugly SOB.  That nasty ass mullet is a crime against humanity.  I’d give fiddy bucks to watch him get shorn like an Australian sheep. Berkman and Matsui usually have their way with Arroyo, maybe he can be the Red Bull that gives an energy boost to their bats.

Who’s got a Bobo?

Houston

• Valverde has a strained baby cow. 
• Backe is still up the canal.
• Blum and Brocail need new hamstrings.
• Geary needs fixing.  That means you Budgirl.
• Boones’ heart is still achy breaky.

 Cincinnati

• King  Edward Encarnacion has a wristocracy. 
• Nick Masset strained the obligatory oblique. 
• Brandon Phillips fractured his fairy tales, otherwise known as his Tom Thumb. 
• Volquez strained his bacque.
• Votto is doing his best impersonation of Dizzy Dean.

Promotions and Giveaways

Nothing.  Not one damn thing. Even on Memorial Day.  Marge Schott  is cheap.  And dead.

Other Crap
This hotel internet connection is a piece of shit. I can’t count on my two hands the times I hit “Save Draft” just to go back to the main hotel page and have to rewrite everything all over again.

I am at a convention and saw this guy going up the opposite escalator while I was going down.  The logo on his shirt just jumped out at me and I had to take a picture.  You can come up with your own interpretation, but I figure it means: First one with his head in his ass, last one with his head out…

Follow along in the GameZone.

What? It is time for a new series?  The last game isn’t even over yet.  And where is das?  Did he fly down here to Houston to continue his improbable hex on this team? 

Minute Maid Park

The Cubs make their second trip to Houston this year, surprisingly since the Brewers are out of town in Cincinnati, and the fuckin’ Cubs play the Brew Crew in Milwaukee this weekend.  There were rumors that Bud Selig would declare this the  “Energy Conservation Series” and require the Astros to play the Cubs in Milwaukee as part of MLB’s “Play Green” program.   

Pitching Matchups

Rich Harden, RHP (2-1, 5.11) vs. Mike Hampton, LHP (1-2, 4.88)

Harden’s last outing was against the Marlins where he struggled with control, giving up 6 hits, 4 walks and 5 earned runs in only 3 2/3 innings.  That practically guarantees a Cy Young award winning performance against the Astros tonight.  The Astros have a combined .269 average against him, led by  Blum at .469,  who is the only Astro to hit a homer off of Harden. 

Hampton needs to give this overexercised bullpen a rest and give this team a 6+ inning performance.  Which means he will promptly be lit up for a handfull of runs in the first inning, and then drive in the first Astro run of the game. Hampton has only given up hits to 4 current Cubs, giving the team a .229 average against him.

 Ted Lilly, LHP (3-2, 3.13)  vs. Russ Ortiz, RHP (2-0, 5.21)

Lilly has already beaten the Astros this year, despite giving up 5 earned runs in only 5 innings.  Micheals (.400), Keppinger (.389), and Pudge (.300) post the best averages for position players against Lilly. Personally, I hope they plaster his lily white ass to the wall and give FTC a new meaning. 

Ortiz was skipped in his last rotation turn and was used on Sunday in relief against the Braves earning a “hold” for 1/3 inning of work.  Ortiz needs to get ahead of batters earlier in the count, which may enable him to go deeper into games. The Cubs have a team batting average of .295 against Ortiz, led by Bradley (.357) and Ramirez (.333).  Ortiz has pwned Derrick Lee (3-32, .094).

Injuries

Cubs

Astros  

Promotions and Giveaways

It is Mother’s Day weekend.  So the Astros marketing department has decided to coat everything with Pepto-Bismol, hoping to soothe the heartburn from the acid reflux caused by the stress of watching the latest bullpen nonperformances.  Now I am a female, but pink is not the color of choice for my Astros.  You wouldn’t catch me in a pink jersey for anything less than a cool million.  Mud and blood all the way baby!

I thought the pink stuff was supposed relieve nausea, not cause it?

Wednesday, April 6, Pink in the Park Jerseys

                     Thursday, April 7, Pink in the Park Caps and DIAMONDS!! (well, one diamond)

Plus on Thursday—-One (1) fan will win a free diamond compliments of Mark Klein at Michael Klein’s Fine Jewelry. The first 5,000 females 16 & older will receive a giveaway upon entrance to the ballpark. There will be 4,999 cubic zirconias and one (1) real diamond!   Who’s expecting a gender discrimination lawsuit over this one?
 
 I wish I couldn’t see you

Soriano waving his hand in front of his face? Flies drawn to the stench of a fuckin’ Cub? Nope. That’s the signature taunt of WWE’s John Cena, and something Soriano has copied. Cena waves his hand horizontally in front of his face and says, “You can’t see me,” when he enters the ring.  What an asshole Cub (well, they mean the same thing, don’t they?)

 My Apologies

Work is a real bitch right now and I am severely late getting this preview done.  Fuck me  the Cubs.