This season the Rangers have found a new use for their blue suede shoes big boots–to kick the Asstros in their collective posterior. The first meeting between the two teams resulted in a one sided love affair, a clean sweep by the neighbors from the north who invaded the MMPUS with a cane and a high starched collar.
Anybody seen my twinkies?
The Astros have been bringin’ it back winning their last five series of the season. Doncha think its time to sit on the edge of reality? Despite these series wins the Good Guys are still crying in the chapel sitting down by the riverside in last place with a do not disturb sign on the beach shack that is the home of the Central Division cellar dwellers. This series is highlighted by double trouble, twins from the bosom of Abraham himself–Fat Elvis vs Black Elvis–we’ll be together until its time for you to go.
Sideburns, guys, I wanted sideburns. Like Elvis. Not me. Yeah, THAT Elvis.
Tuesday June 16 7:05 p.m. FSH Wednesday June 17 7:05 p.m. FSH
Thursday June 18 7:05 p.m. FSH Probable Pitching Matchups
Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (5-5, 2.82) vs Kevin Millwood, RHP (6-4, 2.72)
Wandy my heart cries for you. You follow a 3 game winning streak with a 3 game losing streak and a no decision, and now it is time to reach out to Jesus and put your hand in the hand of the spanish eyes that are steadfast loyal and true behind the plate. Remember, you’re a heartbreaker for these Rangers, you have not lost to them in your career. Beware of Ian Kinsler, who can’t help falling in love with you, he has a .700 average in 10 AB against you.
Millwood has given up more than 3 earned runs only three times this season. But his lineup has left his blue eyes crying in the rain, providing enough runs to earn him only 6 wins on the season. Six Astros have a batting average over .333 against Millwood.
Russ Ortiz, RHP (3-2, 3.48) vs Matt Harrison, LHP (4-4, 5.43)
Coop shows confidence in Ortiz, keeping him in the starting rotation for the second time. Don’t think twice its alright with Russ, he didn’t seem too thrilled to be sent to the bullpen, it gave him that dirty, dirty feeling. Elvis is the devil in disguise for Ortiz, he sports a beginner’s luck 1.000 batting average against him (a double in only one AB). Andruw Jones also sends Ortiz crying to the chapel (.417 in 31 plate appearances).
Matt Harrison has some golden coins in his right pocket. That’s right his pocket contains the “dreaded pitcher that the Astros have never faced good luck charm”. We have no chance. NO CHANCE. BBG’s, please don’t be cruel. (Bet ya were waiting on that one, huh?) This is Harrison’s first start after a couple of minor league rehab assignments (inflammation in his left shoulder).
Roy Oswalt, RHP (3-3, 4.37) vs Vicente Padilla, RHP (5-3, 4.82)
Oswalt looked like he was gaining confidence in himself in his last start vs the Diamondbacks, as evidenced by some nasty curves he was letting flip flop and fly. Big boss man showed he could be king of the whole wide world with much better control of his bread and butter pitches (fastball, curveball) for really the first time this season in the same game. Jones (.538), Kinsler (.462) and Young (.306) have paralyzed RoyO in the past, but here’s hoping he’s on the money honey for this start.
Padilla has turned his season around already. After being placed on waivers earlier in the year, he has posted wins against both Boston and the Angels. In his last 5 starts he is 4-1, his last one being an eight hit shutout of the Dodgers. The fat version of Elvis has the chance to turn from a Jack to a King against Padilla. He feasts on Padilla like he’s downing Queenie Wahine’s papaya, in 18 ABs he has 10 hits with 5 doubles and 2 HRs.
Poison Ivy League
Astros
| Player | Pos | Injury | Expected Return | |
| Doug Brocail | RP | Hamstring | 15-day DL. Out until at least late June | |
| Geoff Blum | 3B | Hamstring | Questionable for Texas series | |
| Carlos N. Lee | LF | Leg | Questionable for Texas series | |
| Kazuo Matsui | 2B | Hamstring | 15-day DL. On Double-A rehab assignment. Expected to return for this series. | |
| Felipe Paulino | SP | Groin | 15-day DL. Out until at least late June | |
| Chris Sampson | RP | Arm | Questionable for the first game at Texas | |
| Aaron Boone | 3B | Heart | 60-day DL. Out for the season |
Rangers
| Player | Pos | Injury | Expected Return | |
| Frank Francisco | RP | Shoulder | 15-day DL. Out until at least early July | |
| Willie Eyre | RP | Groin | 60-day DL. Out until at least late June | |
| Josh Hamilton | CF | Abdominal | 15-day DL. Out until at least mid-July | |
| Matt Harrison | SP | Shoulder | 15-day DL. Expected to return for June 17 start vs. Houston | |
| Brandon McCarthy | SP | Shoulder | 15-day DL. Out until at least late July | |
| Dustin Nippert | RP | Back, shoulder, ribs | 60-day DL. Out until at least late June | |
| Joaquin Benoit | RP | Shoulder | 60-day DL. Out until at least late July | |
| Eric Hurley | SP | Shoulder | 60-day DL. Out for the season |
Tuesday–get your shiny red plastic batting helmet. Helps protect your noggin from all those hard knocks.
Wednesday–Dollar hot dog night, wednesday autograph night and a reusable barf bag for when all those dollar dogs wanna come back up and be reused.
Perfect for puke of every color!
Thursday–Rangers nightlight you can put in your garage and grow the green green grass of home.
Happy Ending
Funny how time slips away when you are having fun. Hope you were challenged to find the smorgasbord of song titles sung by the hound dog Elvis himself. Oh, how the web was woven.
Don’t be a stranger. Visit the Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce otherwise known as the GameZone.