“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!”  The Good Guys begin 6 game roadie in Milwaukee hoping to make all their dreams come true, or just win a game or two before the All-Star break.  If this series is as hard to watch as some of the recent shitty efforts by this team it is going to take more than milk and Pepsi to get you through the ongoing soap opera that is the GZ. 

Probable Pitchers and Belly Itchers  

Tuesday, May 25  7:10 p.m.  CT Felipe “Help, there’s a hog in my kitchen” Paulino, RHP (0-6, 5.36) vs. Randy Wolf, LHP (3-4, 5.10) Felipe is winless this year and has never beaten the Brewers in his career. Ain’ that just a bright ray of sunshine for your day?  In limited ABs, Braun, Hart and Gerut all hit over .500 against him.  Wolf hasn’t been smelling like a rose either this year:  “I’m concerned about the fact that I stink,” Wolf said. “I’m not going to candy-coat it.” Q and Blum happen to like Wolf’s aroma: they both hit over .500 on him, but Berkman just runs to showers when Wolf is around, in 30PA he bats a paltry .125 and slugs .208.  Phewee that stinks!

Wednesday, May 26 7:10 p.m. CT Roy “I ain’t got no run support stockings” Oswalt, RHP (2-6, 2.66) vs
Chris Narveson, LHP (4-1, 5.17)  Roy needs to get a grip on his Mantyhose and just STFU and pitch.  One more whiny ass remark from him and Berkman may just paste his pic HERE.  Whatever you do, don’t have your dadgum Oswalt inning when I Wear My Sunglasses at Night or Penis Nose are up, since they both have a .500 BA against you.  You had better just run to the ladies room, and get some fingernail polish to stop that run in your stockings real quick like. And remember, the heart goes on the front, big guy.  Narveson has only faced 6 Astros, 2 of which are pitchers.  Since no one has more than 5 ABs against him we might as well expect most of the batting order to run and hide with their tails between their legs when the southpaw starts his windup.

Thursday, May 27 12:10 p.m. CT  Brett “The Big Ragu” Myers, RHP (3-3, 3.25) vs Dave Bush, RHP (1-5, 5.59)  Myers has been a workhorse in this rotation, and has done well against the Brewers in his career, going 4-1 with a 1.77 ERA in eight games.  Current Brewers sport a .108 BA average, a .175 OBP and .189 SLG against Myers, so if we have a chance to salvage one game in this series, this is IT.  Plus, Bush characterizes his last outing as “the worst outing I’ve ever had at any level.”  He has high hopes however that the Astros do what they’ve done best this year–get opposing pitchers out of losing funks–and he has history on his side.  Bush has more wins against the Astros than any other team in his career. (in 13 appearances  Bush is 6-1 with a 3.46 ERA).

BooBoo Kitty Report

Astros–Arias is still out for the season.  Nothing new here folks.  Q did one too many splits and needs some of Roy’s support stockings for his sore groin, but is probably for this series.

Brewers–Is anyone not hurt on this team? 7 players on the DL for goodness sakes.  Zaun, Gamel and Hawkins all have shoulder problems, while Riske and Butler are throwing elbows.  The Sexy, Sexy Bitch is out with an oblique strain he got from posing in front of the mirror.  Doug Davis has been diagnosed with inflammation around the heart and is undergoing treatment expected to take a few weeks.

Promotions and Giveaways

Tuesday–It’s Singles Night! Get your beer goggles on so you can oodle those hot Milwaukee babes.

Wednesday—Brew Crew and the Zoo night! (Hey wasn’t that last night?) Plus, you get a Valvoline Instant Oil Change Special Coupon. 

Thursday–We give and we taketh away night–We give: Sports Authority Special Coupon and a $50 Appliance World Gift Card. We take: Books. Prince Fielder and Northwestern Mutual invite you to drop off any new or gently used children’s books during the Brewers Drive For Charity. Each fan that donates will receive a Prince Fielder Brewers collectible pin.

Come join your friends in the GameZone and watch some baseball night after night…….

The 2010 Astros rollercoaster season continues as the San Diego Padres come into town.  The Padres are off to the fourth-fastest start in the team’s 42-year history–a 17-11 record after 28 games.  Going Up!!  The Astros meanwhile have a 9-19 record after losing nine of their last 10.  Going Down!! Getting sick to your stomach?  Has the shitty baseball you’ve been watching make you wanna puke?  No worries, there is plenty of pink stuff this weekend to cure the nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea that ails ya.

Probable Pitching Matchups

Friday, May 7, 7:05 p.m. Mat Latos, RHP (1-3, 5.47) vs Bud Norris, RHP (1-3, 7.25)  Now I would loved to be able to guarantee you a win here folks, but that ain’t gonna happen.  Instead I will guaranfuckintee you a loss.  Mat (where’s that other t) Latos has not faced one single batter in the current Astros lineup which is as good as cash money in Vegas. Get ready for another dearth of Astros hitting in this one.  Norris has no freakin chance.  The only Padre that has faced Norris is Garland and he is on the bench waiting for tomorrow’s game.

Saturday May 8, 6:05 p.m.  Jon Garland, RHP (3-2, 2.06) vs Felipe Paulino, RHP (0-4, 5.53)  Bourn has the most PAs of any Astros vs. Garland and a hefty .500 average against him.  Lee on the other hand is 1 for 11, that’s  an .o91 BA, OBP and SLG.  Piss poor.  Garland has given up only 3 hits each in his last two starts and has had great success with getting easy ground ball outs, which has been a particular problem for this Astros lineup.  Paulino has not hit his stride yet this season, and walks have been a particular thorn in his side.  He has only faced two Holy Fathers in his career, Garland (0-1) and Hairston (2-6, HR).

Sunday, May 9, 1:05 p.m.  Kevin Correia, RHP (4-2, 3.97) vs Roy Oswalt, RHP (2-4, 2.48) Kevin Correia has had relative success against the Astros, holding the team to a combined .254 BA.  Matsui had better sit this one out as his suckitude reaches magnificent proportions against Correia–0 for 11 with 4 Ks.  That’s black hole status right there.  Correia faces Oswalt who couldn’t buy a 5 dollar score with a hundred dollar bill.  Although he worked hard at keeping his comments from expressing too much anger after his last loss, you know Roy was pissed that he hasn’t gotten decent run support from his batters this season. Of course, it is rather ironic that the Astros are playing the Fathers on Mother’s Day…..

Getting a visit from Marcus Welby, MD:  

Padres

• RHP Sean Gallagher sprained a toe on his left foot and whined his way to the 15-day DL May 4. 

• SS Everth Cabrera strained his right hamstring and was placed on the 15-day DL retroactive to April 27.

• RHP Chris Young  is experiencing right shoulder tightness and went on the 15-day DL retroactive to April 7. 

 • 2B Matt Antonelli, who had left hand surgery in April 2010 was recalled from the minors and placed on the 60-day DLApril 30.

Astros

• LHP Tim Byrdak strained his right hammy and went on the 15-day disabled list May 4. 

• 3B Chris Johnson has a strained rib cage went on the 15-day DL retroactive to April 18.  

• RHP Alberto Arias impingement of the right rotator cuff  went on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to March 26, and he was transferred to the 60-day DL on May 4. He had season-ending surgery April 22.

Its Pepto in the Park Weekend!

With Mother’s Day being Sunday and all, (hint–it is probably too late to order Proflowers or a Pajamagram, you better run to the mall Lowe’s or Academy and get mom something she really doesn’t want or need, like a new lawn tractor or a new shotgun) the Astros are celebrating by bombarding you with anything and everything pink.  Now I may be in the minority here, but I prefer to show my support of my team by wearing the team colors, and the last time I looked, there wasn’t a pink jersey or pants or socks to be found on the field.  However, if that is what it takes to get your woman interested in going to the ballpark, I guess the ends justify the means.  So here goes it for Pepto in the park:

Friday–Pink Cap, CocaCola Value night, Friday night Fireworks

Saturday–Pink Tote Bag, Young Professionals night

Sunday–Pink T-shirt, Price Matters Days, Family Sundays

The numbers don’t lie….. 

3-Shutouts by Padres pitchers in a four-game series against Milwaukee last week.

4-Number of runs the Astros need for a win.  Here’s the scoop:Houston is now 8-3 when scoring four or more runs and 1-16 when scoring three or fewer.

5-Maximum innings pitched for Bud Norris in his first five starts this season. Norris has averaged just better than 4 1/3 innings per start and has an ERA of 7.25.

9-The number of Astros home runs–that is less than 4 different major leaguers (Konerko-12, Ethier, Johnson and Wigginton -10)  Insert obvious quote here:   “You’d like to have more than we have right now, that’s for sure.”—Manager Brad Mills

31-Thou shalt not steal does not apply to the friars this season.  They have 31 stolen bases, ranking the Padres second in the Majors behind the Chicago White Sox.  Q and Cash better warm those arms up, these priests are breaking this commandment first and asking for forgiveness later.

Check out the GameZone.  And don’t wear pink.

The Astros head into bubblegum park fresh off their first dubaya* of the season.  *(that’s W for you edumacated types)   That’s right, your hometown 9 got off the schneid versus the Redbirds and have a chance to make it two in a row versus the baby bears.  Its porridge stealing time!  Despite all the analysts saying how the sCrubs would be on easy street with a this chair is too soft schedule to begin the season, they have posted a losing record thus far.  Apparently someone smashed their chair to splinters and left it for Papa Bear to put back together again.  The Wrigleyville fans are already on Soriano’s ass, booing him during the team’s home opener on Monday. I guess this shows that even a blind Cub fan can stumble over a moth-eaten nut every millenium.

Probable Pitching Duels

Friday, April 16, 1:20 p.m. CT  

Felipe Paulino, RHP (0-0, 7.20) vs Carlos Silva, RHP (0-0, 1.50)

No current sCrub has more that 4 plate appearances against Paulino, in fact there are only 20 total for the entire team.  However small a sample size, they still boast a .353 BA against him with 2 homeruns (Lee and Sorry-I-know).    Paulino needs to improve on his first start this season where he gave up four hits, four walks and four earned over five innings.  He also struck out four.  How’s that for fourplay?  Silva is scheduled for his first start at Wrigley, even though he has had some shoulder issues.  In his last game against the Redlegs, he gave up 3 hits with one earned run, 3 strike outs and no walks.  Carlos Lee has the most AB of any Astro vs Silva (27).  In those 27, he has 8 hits for a .296 BA, more than 3 times his current 2010 average of .097.  For his career, Lee has liked hitting in Wrigley, boasting a .311 average with 20 HR (out of 68 hits).  C’mon Carlos–find that Silva lining and get outta that nasty funk you are in!

Saturday, April 17, 12:05 p.m. CT

Roy Oswalt, RHP (0-2, 3.75) vs Tom Gorzelanny, LHP (0-0, 0.00)

If you just look at the stats, Roy has not pitched badly this year.  5 earned in 12 innings ain’t chopped liver, but hasn’t been enough with the anemic performance the Astros bats have shown for Roy’s first two starts (only 3 runs posted by the Good Guys).  Of course, he was up against Lincecum and Halladay, but this time he gets a better draw.  Tommy G takes the hill for the second time this season, after a very staunch performance against the Reds (1 run, 4 hits, 6.1 innings).  Seven Astros hit .333 or better against Gorzelanny, although in a limited number of AB (none more than 8).

Sunday, April 18, 1:20 CT

Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (0-2, 6.10) vs Ryan Dempster, RHP (1-0, 4.38)

Wandy got Pooholed in his last start, and is still seeking his first dubaya of the season.  If he wants to last more than 4 1/3 innings this time, he will need to be shy away from Derrick Lee.  Lee just eats Wandy’s lunch–hitting .483 with 3 homers against him in 29 ABs.  Theriot also sports a not too shabby .427 average versus the southpaw.  Dempster returns to the mound after an extra day off following a 114 pitch outing where he gave up 5 earned in 6.1 innings for a win against the Brew Crew.  Even though he earned the win, it was not his best start of the season.  Earlier, he had a no-decision against the Braves where he gave up only 1 earned in 6.  Astros batters (pitchers not included) have a combined team BA of .320 against the Dumpster with 12 of 51 hits being for extra bases.  Keppinger (9 for 18) and Bourn (6 for 15) both sport averages above .400 against him.

Is there a Dr. in the House?

The sCrubs will be without Guzman, Caridad and Lilly for the  series.  All are on the 15 day DL, but Guzman is expected to miss the entire year.  For the ‘Stros, Berkman is still knee deep in Twinkies while Gervacio, Arias and Bazardo have shoulder issues and aren’t expected back until late April to mid-May. 

Free Cubs Shit

Friday April 16–Get your free spitcup. Or maybe you need a urinal for your car or deercamp.  Guaranteed to hold all the piss you can muster while yelling “Fuck the Cubs!” 20 times in a row.

Saturday April 17–Heilmann’s Old Style Knit Cap Not a bad cap, too bad its in baby bear colors.

Sunday April 18–Cubs Scarf  Just what you need to strangle John Q. Cubfan with.

Ok, lemme hear ya, and a-one and a-two, and a-three…….

No, it is not time to have nightmares of a drunken Harry Caray rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”.  No, it is time for your favorite SnS yell—Fuck the Cubs!  Fuck the Cubs!!  Fuck the Cubs!!!  Yeah, that felt good didn’t it?  Nothing gives you quite that satisfying feeling as reveling in the misery of Cub Nation.  So let me hear it one more time from the SnS bleachers———

Fuck The Cubs!!!

The last series before THE VOID, well for the Astros at least.  It seems like only yesterday it was the first day of Spring Training and visions of 90 win seasons still danced in our heads.   A few hits, a few runs, a disgruntled number one pitcher, an overused, oft-injured bullpen, and one manager later, and even 80 wins are already out of reach.  The last road trip of the year finds the hometown nine slinking into New York City (get a rope!) with their collective tails between their legs.  The Mets must sweep this series to win 70 games this season, not quite fulfilling their Spring Training hopes, either.

Friday, October 2  6:10 p.m.

Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (14-11, 2.97) vs  John Maine, RHP (6-6, 4.72)

Wandy has been a pleasant surprise for me this year.  He has pitched much better than his 14-11 record would indicate–just look at that 2.97 ERA.  Before the season began, if I had been told that he would have an ERA under 3 going into the last series of the season, I would have been estatic.   It has been a year of milestones for Wandy with career highs for wins (14), starts (31), innings pitched (199 2/3) and strikeouts (190) leading into his last start of the year.  Wandy has had considerable trouble against Beltran, Schneider and Francoeur in his career and he faces them in Citi Park for the first time.  Maine missed a good chunk of the season with a gimpy right shoulder, and recently returned to the rotation to post a 1-2 record for the month of September. Current Astros are hitting .317 against him in a total of 67 ABs.  

 Saturday, October 3, 12:10 p.m.

Yorman Bazardo, RHP (1-2, 8.23) vs Pat Misch, LHP (2-4, 4.71)

Bazardo pitched lights out against the Phillies on Monday, his first major league win since September 2007.  He has very little experience against the Metropolitans–the only Stem to face him is David Wright who is 2 for 2 with 2 RBI.  Misch pitched only the second complete game of the year for the Mets in his last start on Sunday, when he pitched an 8 hit shoutout.  No current Astro has had more than 6 PA vs Misch, and only two have extra base hits against him. 

Sunday, October 4, 12:10 p.m.

Wilton Lopez, RHP (0-1, 9.42)   vs. The Dreaded TBA

Can’t say much about Wilton Lopez other than this is his second major league start. Wiltonspent most of his season at  Double-A Corpus Christi going 4-5 with a 4.73 ERA, including a 3-5 record with a 3.91 ERA as a starter.  He started on Tuesday against the Phillies and the only thing I can remember is the grand slam he gave up to Pedro Feliz.  Can’t say anything about his opponent, because TBA is such a chameleonic SOB.

Who is hurt?

More like who isn’t hurt.  And if you had listed everyone who spent time on the DL between these two teams during the season, this preview wouldn’t be able to hold it.

 Giveaways

Just a few closing remarks

I hate to see the end of the baseball season.  I miss being able to catch a game almost any night of the week, and hearing the announcer “And he goes into the windup, and here’s the pitch……”  I will miss the sound of the bat on the ball, and the call of the umpire “SAFE!!” as the runner slides into the plate on a perfectly executed squeeze play.  And it is not just the major league game that I miss. I have put three sons through Little League and I am sad to report that the third one just informed us last night that he didn’t think he wanted to play baseball anymore.  Next year will be my first year in 11 years not to have a son in Little League.  My second son is unsure if he wants to try out for the JV team this coming season.  He likes baseball just fine, however basketball is his passion.  Hope does spring eternal though, the youngest will be able to start playing in a year if he chooses to, and the circle will begin again.   

The hot, dry summer of 2009 is on its way out and a rainy (woohoo–no complaints here!) September brings the last series against the Buccos for the 2009 season.  It comes a little early in the month to have the usual Aaaaarrrrgghh!! reference,  so rather than ignore the significance of the day, I will give you a little insight as to what September 11th means to me. 

Friday, September 11, 7:05 p.m.

Charlie Morton, RHP (3-7, 5.43) vs Bud Norris, RHP (4-3, 6.05)

Morton has been shelved a few extra days to give his groin time to rest.  That’s what those late night rum parties with the wenches can do to you.  Norris began his major league career with a Bang! Bang! Bang! 3 win start then went Dud! Dud! Dud! before his last start Sunday against the Phillies.

Saturday, September 12, 6:05 p.m.

Ross Ohlendorf, RHP (11-9, 3.97) vs Brian Moehler, RHP (8-10, 5.10)

Ohlendork has had a measurable turnaround since the All Star Break this year– 7 an 7 with a 4.64 ERA  before to 4 and 2 with a 2.70 ERA after.  Unfortunately in his last start, despite pitching 8 innings without giving up an earned run, he did not earn a win (wonderful Pirate run support shoots another pitcher in the foot groin).  Moehler is 1-1 with a 3.57 ERA in his last four starts, but the Bucs have been his nemesis this year, presenting him with a Jolly Roger in 2 of his three starts against them.

Sunday, September 13, 1:05 p.m.

Paul Maholm, LHP (7-8, 4.72) vs.  Felipe Paulino, RHP (2-8, 6.34)

Maholm hopes to become the third Pirate pitcher to reach 10 wins this year, but would have to pretty much win all of his last starts to get there.  If history repeats itself, he may have a good start because he is 7-4 with a 4.44 ERA in 12 career starts against the Good Guys.  Paulino risks becoming Chris Holt: his last two games were quality starts where he earned loses because the Astros didn’t score a dadgum run while he was in the game.

FRIDAY–Price Matters Days $10 gets you a ticket, hot dog and soda! Coke Value Night! Friday Night Fireworks !  9/11HeroesNight!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             and if that isn’t enough—–this Fabulous Patriotic Cap!

Valverde Bobblehead

SUNDAY–Price Matters Days! Scout Parade 2! $1 Drumsticks!  and……..

a Replica Minute Maid Park! 

What September 11 means to me…..

Well, I was home to see the attacks on the World Trade Center on that day.  A day I should have been at work. Teaching chemistry. But I wasn’t .  I was home.  In bed.  I got a call and turned on the TV.  It is a little fuzzy, but I remember. 

What I don’t remember alot of is August 31, 2001.  The day I had a stroke. 

At the ripe old age of 33.  Yep 33. 

I remember fixing breakfast for my son.  Oatmeal.  I remember slurring my words.  Then my right foot slipping out of my slipper and my back slowly sliding down the doors of my double oven and ending up on the floor.  I kept trying to get up, but felt more like a roach wagging its feet in the air.  My son went and tried to wake up his dad saying, “Mom fell and she can’t get up.”  He just rolled over and snored.  A few minutes later my son ran back in the bedroom and yelled at him “She STILL CAN’T GET UP!!”  My husband groggily came into the kitchen and said, “Gimme your hand”, to which I responded, “I did”.  This alarmed him, because my left arm did not move. He then said, “Smile.”  Then, “Oh my God!” and he immediately called 911.

By the time the ambulance got there, I had completely gained control of my left side again, but they strapped me down and took me to the hospital anyway.  (I did NOT want to go, of course) The initial CAT scan showed no bleed, but since it was Labor Day weekend and no one works on that entire weekend in a hospital, they kept me there until Tuesday before doing an MRI.  Which showed a bleed.  A small one, but a bleed.  Then they decided I needed every test in the book to see why an otherwise healthy 33 year old with no family history of stroke had indeed, had one.  Ever had dye pumped in every artery in your brain?  I have.  It ain’t no fun.  (ok, we are gonna run this tube from your groin to your shoulder, then we are gonna pump this warm liquid into your brain and it is gonna hurt, but you CANNOT, you CANNOT blink, breathe, or move even the slightest because you could DIE. Ok, RELAX. Here we go!)

After millions of tests costing trillions of dollars. the  medical gurus decided I was special. SPECIAL.  That one in three million.  Yeah, if you read that insert that comes with the birth control pills, it tells you that one in 3 million or so could have a stroke, with no other apparent cause. No more BCP for me!

So, because I was so special, I was able to sit and watch the horrors that unfolded on my television screen, that September 11th morning, and be thankful that I was just alive……….. to see them.