“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!” The Good Guys begin 6 game roadie in Milwaukee hoping to make all their dreams come true, or just win a game or two before the All-Star break. If this series is as hard to watch as some of the recent shitty efforts by this team it is going to take more than milk and Pepsi to get you through the ongoing soap opera that is the GZ.
Probable Pitchers and Belly Itchers
Tuesday, May 25 7:10 p.m. CT Felipe “Help, there’s a hog in my kitchen” Paulino, RHP (0-6, 5.36) vs. Randy Wolf, LHP (3-4, 5.10) Felipe is winless this year and has never beaten the Brewers in his career. Ain’ that just a bright ray of sunshine for your day? In limited ABs, Braun, Hart and Gerut all hit over .500 against him. Wolf hasn’t been smelling like a rose either this year: “I’m concerned about the fact that I stink,” Wolf said. “I’m not going to candy-coat it.” Q and Blum happen to like Wolf’s aroma: they both hit over .500 on him, but Berkman just runs to showers when Wolf is around, in 30PA he bats a paltry .125 and slugs .208. Phewee that stinks!
Wednesday, May 26 7:10 p.m. CT Roy “I ain’t got no run support stockings” Oswalt, RHP (2-6, 2.66) vs
Chris Narveson, LHP (4-1, 5.17) Roy needs to get a grip on his Mantyhose and just STFU and pitch. One more whiny ass remark from him and Berkman may just paste his pic HERE. Whatever you do, don’t have your dadgum Oswalt inning when I Wear My Sunglasses at Night or Penis Nose are up, since they both have a .500 BA against you. You had better just run to the ladies room, and get some fingernail polish to stop that run in your stockings real quick like. And remember, the heart goes on the front, big guy. 
Narveson has only faced 6 Astros, 2 of which are pitchers. Since no one has more than 5 ABs against him we might as well expect most of the batting order to run and hide with their tails between their legs when the southpaw starts his windup.
Thursday, May 27 12:10 p.m. CT Brett “The Big Ragu” Myers, RHP (3-3, 3.25) vs Dave Bush, RHP (1-5, 5.59) Myers has been a workhorse in this rotation, and has done well against the Brewers in his career, going 4-1 with a 1.77 ERA in eight games. Current Brewers sport a .108 BA average, a .175 OBP and .189 SLG against Myers, so if we have a chance to salvage one game in this series, this is IT. Plus, Bush characterizes his last outing as “the worst outing I’ve ever had at any level.” He has high hopes however that the Astros do what they’ve done best this year–get opposing pitchers out of losing funks–and he has history on his side. Bush has more wins against the Astros than any other team in his career. (in 13 appearances Bush is 6-1 with a 3.46 ERA).
BooBoo Kitty Report
Astros–Arias is still out for the season. Nothing new here folks. Q did one too many splits and needs some of Roy’s support stockings for his sore groin, but is probably for this series.
Brewers–Is anyone not hurt on this team? 7 players on the DL for goodness sakes. Zaun, Gamel and Hawkins all have shoulder problems, while Riske and Butler are throwing elbows. The Sexy, Sexy Bitch is out with an oblique strain he got from posing in front of the mirror. Doug Davis has been diagnosed with inflammation around the heart and is undergoing treatment expected to take a few weeks.
Promotions and Giveaways
Tuesday–It’s Singles Night! Get your beer goggles on so you can oodle those hot Milwaukee babes.
Wednesday—Brew Crew and the Zoo night! (Hey wasn’t that last night?) Plus, you get a Valvoline Instant Oil Change Special Coupon.
Thursday–We give and we taketh away night–We give: Sports Authority Special Coupon and a $50 Appliance World Gift Card. We take: Books. Prince Fielder and Northwestern Mutual invite you to drop off any new or gently used children’s books during the Brewers Drive For Charity. Each fan that donates will receive a Prince Fielder Brewers collectible pin.
Come join your friends in the GameZone and watch some baseball night after night…….