The Astros head into bubblegum park fresh off their first dubaya* of the season. *(that’s W for you edumacated types) That’s right, your hometown 9 got off the schneid versus the Redbirds and have a chance to make it two in a row versus the baby bears. Its porridge stealing time! Despite all the analysts saying how the sCrubs would be on easy street with a this chair is too soft schedule to begin the season, they have posted a losing record thus far. Apparently someone smashed their chair to splinters and left it for Papa Bear to put back together again. The Wrigleyville fans are already on Soriano’s ass, booing him during the team’s home opener on Monday. I guess this shows that even a blind Cub fan can stumble over a moth-eaten nut every millenium.
Probable Pitching Duels
Friday, April 16, 1:20 p.m. CT
Felipe Paulino, RHP (0-0, 7.20) vs Carlos Silva, RHP (0-0, 1.50)
No current sCrub has more that 4 plate appearances against Paulino, in fact there are only 20 total for the entire team. However small a sample size, they still boast a .353 BA against him with 2 homeruns (Lee and Sorry-I-know). Paulino needs to improve on his first start this season where he gave up four hits, four walks and four earned over five innings. He also struck out four. How’s that for fourplay? Silva is scheduled for his first start at Wrigley, even though he has had some shoulder issues. In his last game against the Redlegs, he gave up 3 hits with one earned run, 3 strike outs and no walks. Carlos Lee has the most AB of any Astro vs Silva (27). In those 27, he has 8 hits for a .296 BA, more than 3 times his current 2010 average of .097. For his career, Lee has liked hitting in Wrigley, boasting a .311 average with 20 HR (out of 68 hits). C’mon Carlos–find that Silva lining and get outta that nasty funk you are in!
Saturday, April 17, 12:05 p.m. CT
Roy Oswalt, RHP (0-2, 3.75) vs Tom Gorzelanny, LHP (0-0, 0.00)
If you just look at the stats, Roy has not pitched badly this year. 5 earned in 12 innings ain’t chopped liver, but hasn’t been enough with the anemic performance the Astros bats have shown for Roy’s first two starts (only 3 runs posted by the Good Guys). Of course, he was up against Lincecum and Halladay, but this time he gets a better draw. Tommy G takes the hill for the second time this season, after a very staunch performance against the Reds (1 run, 4 hits, 6.1 innings). Seven Astros hit .333 or better against Gorzelanny, although in a limited number of AB (none more than 8).
Sunday, April 18, 1:20 CT
Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (0-2, 6.10) vs Ryan Dempster, RHP (1-0, 4.38)
Wandy got Pooholed in his last start, and is still seeking his first dubaya of the season. If he wants to last more than 4 1/3 innings this time, he will need to be shy away from Derrick Lee. Lee just eats Wandy’s lunch–hitting .483 with 3 homers against him in 29 ABs. Theriot also sports a not too shabby .427 average versus the southpaw. Dempster returns to the mound after an extra day off following a 114 pitch outing where he gave up 5 earned in 6.1 innings for a win against the Brew Crew. Even though he earned the win, it was not his best start of the season. Earlier, he had a no-decision against the Braves where he gave up only 1 earned in 6. Astros batters (pitchers not included) have a combined team BA of .320 against the Dumpster with 12 of 51 hits being for extra bases. Keppinger (9 for 18) and Bourn (6 for 15) both sport averages above .400 against him.
Is there a Dr. in the House?
The sCrubs will be without Guzman, Caridad and Lilly for the series. All are on the 15 day DL, but Guzman is expected to miss the entire year. For the ‘Stros, Berkman is still knee deep in Twinkies while Gervacio, Arias and Bazardo have shoulder issues and aren’t expected back until late April to mid-May.
Free Cubs Shit
Friday April 16–Get your free spitcup. Or maybe you need a urinal for your car or deercamp. Guaranteed to hold all the piss you can muster while yelling “Fuck the Cubs!” 20 times in a row.
Saturday April 17–Heilmann’s Old Style Knit Cap Not a bad cap, too bad its in baby bear colors.
Sunday April 18–Cubs Scarf Just what you need to strangle John Q. Cubfan with.
Ok, lemme hear ya, and a-one and a-two, and a-three…….
No, it is not time to have nightmares of a drunken Harry Caray rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”. No, it is time for your favorite SnS yell—Fuck the Cubs! Fuck the Cubs!! Fuck the Cubs!!! Yeah, that felt good didn’t it? Nothing gives you quite that satisfying feeling as reveling in the misery of Cub Nation. So let me hear it one more time from the SnS bleachers———